Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V7 - General

Hmm, I could be wrong but you may be going through the "emotional deprivation lifetrap", I've read about that briefly in the book I'm reading (Reinventing Your Life). Everyone wants to feel accepted by others, there's no denying that. It's very important that we accept ourselves for who we are. It's like what TrannyAlert said; you can't love others until you love yourself, accepting who you are is the first step to doing this. You can't necessarily love others until you love yourself because our outward interactions build off of our inner feelings. For example, if you hate yourself then it's very likely that you'll push that hatred on to others. To add on to your example about being a bad conversationalist: I want to point out that there's always room for improvement in that regard and in many aspects of our own lives. The more we do something the better we get at it and hopefully we become comfortable in doing it as well. Knowing where we're at in our own skills helps in figuring out what to do next to improve, i.e. figuring out what kind of person we'd like be in life. Want to be good at loving others? Learn to love yourself. Still not good at it? That's ok, these things take time. No one became amazing at something overnight, they worked on it day by day and slowly but surely they got better at it.

I think you can love others without loving yourself but insecurity/low self esteem can poison your romantic relationships

I want to die so bad but I'm too much of a coward to kill myself. im so useless and I'll never be what I want to be

I'm just stuck in this rut. I keep thinking I should be happy and then I feel like shit because I'm not in spite of all I've done. Last year I thought I'd be happy once I had a job, didn't work, then I thought I'd be happy if I had financial stability, still miserable. Then I thought I'd take up a hobby, so I've been trying to learn piano, still feel like shit. I've wanted a relationship for a long time but now I dont feel like I should try for one, it probably won't make me happy anyway. And my dad's cancer has made me think about death a lot recently. Would it really be a good idea to fall in love with someone only to watch them die? To watch them lose everything that made them "them" because of illness or drugs or something? Would it be at all ethical if I made someone fall in love with me only to make them watch me die one day? As much as I hate being alone, wouldn't it be better if everyone just forgot about me? So that as few as people are hurt by my eventual passing as possible?

I've become so comfortable with the emptiness and it's pretty unnerving. It's almost as if there's nothing left to eat up.

I don't get the people that say "Doesn't want to exist is the same as wanting to die". I know everyone's depression is different, but from my perspective there's a strong difference, but I can't explain it without sounding like a crazy person, since that would be my depression speaking. I've also learned that you can't make everyone happy at the same time, so fuck it all and do what makes you happy. And a question: is exercise really that good for your mind? Don't have the motivation or strenght to do it, but I'd like an explanation.

I only want to die on my own terms. I fear death if it's not my own suicidal ideation. I'm in the same position as Bird though, in that I never have the motivation to follow through with it.

Sounds morbid but maybe you need to lower your expectations, there's some quote like "there are only two tragedies in life, not getting what you want, and getting it" . We think stuff will fill the hole but lots of the time it won't and we're left in despair because we put our hope onto that thing fulfilling us. That's why we gotta learn to appreciate what we've got, you're thinking end game and destination - not present and journey. Do a hobby because its a fun/worthy way to spend time You never be happy if you predicate your happiness on outside stuff, yioull always be diasapointed and you'll be unstable because stuff outside your control can take that thing (and happiness away). You have control over happiness because it comes from within, it's your reaction to stuff, so change what you can and if something can't be changed (like death) try to be at peace with it. All that said maybe you could see a doc, they're professionals and they can help you with techniques for managing situations like these.

That's rough, my ex cheated on me too, then broke up with me the next day. I wanted to reconcile because I'm a forgiving soul but I'm glad she didn't want to. In the end I am ridiculously happier without her. Relationships like the one you are in at the moment are toxic. It's nice to be with someone and nice to have that special someone. but how much of that is actually love and not loneliness? If you can't get it out of your head, you will never be able to trust her again. There's only one solution to that in my opinion, you need to make sure you're happy.

I'm not okay right now. A couple weeks ago my wife left me, with a full custody order from a judge and nothing i could do about it. A couple days later she came back to my/our house (which is in my name, that I had before we were married) with a police officer and the officer told me to fuck right off out of my house, basically forcing me back with my mom and dad. A week before that I lost my fucking job. Now I have news that this fucking hurricane is heading right over my area. I just can't fucking win. I worked so hard to get where I was. I had a home, a family, a good paying job. I had the American Dream at only 24. Then it's all stripped from me in just a couple weeks. I feel so wronged, so cheated. Now i'm sitting at my mom and dad's house like im fucking 14 years old again. I've been suicidal before. I've tried before. I'm not far from that again right now. Please help me.

i really want things to get better for you. i hope things get better for you.

If the house is in your name then do something about it, lawfully it is yours. You might find help into going to therapy groups and talking about your problems. Sounds like a hectic moment in your life, just don't do anything crazy man. You can live the real american dream and travel on your Harley Davidson

The suicidal thoughts starts with me as I resist them by talking to myself that it's only bad thoughts, but after a while you can't stop the thoughts, and you let them run amoke and accept them. It's like your mind has given up and stopped fighting.

i think there's a big distinction between non existence and the act of ceasing existence, the latter necessitates that something had to exist in the first place, if you were never born then non existence wouldn't be a harm to you but if you already exist then you have invested interest in continuing to exist before committing to the alternative exercise is vital for mental health imo, nutrition and movement is what the body needs to produce hormones that your brain chemistry relies on, without any exercise the simplest physical activities will start to feel like a chore which will take a big toll on anyone's mental health

If I was there, I'd be at least giving you a hug and helping you and consolidate over this. It's very depressing what happened to you. but don't let that her sink you (Yeah I'm sounding with those generic phrases that people say) You can win this friend. But your house, try to fight back to recover it (Since the house is in your name) a lawyer can advise you and help you better

So yeah... I have made the decision to keep working at my current job whilst looking for a new one in the process. Because that first job that I had mentioned getting a few months ago in this thread (Hospitality and Catering, cool and casual)? I was shouted at and given a warning yesterday. All because I asked my managers honestly, genuinely, and innocently, as to why I "MUST" cover up my tattoos in the workplace, whilst the other few tattooed employees didn't have to cover theirs. I held in my tears all day yesterday, but the moment my shift finished I didn't cry whatsoever. I very nearly, by a thread, walked out. My partner was fired from there last week because he was at work, all stressed out (hey, life happens) and the manager just walks in and said "by the way, there are no more hours for you if you continue being like this." We both have only just recently found out from numerous people that my workplace, particularly the managers, are the laughing stock of my hometown. Great.

My life was okay, why did I go so far out of my way to ruin it all I just want to kill myself, I'm never going to recover from dropping out of school. There's no way I'm ever going to recover. My depression is way too bad to ever go back to school but I don't feel fulfilled working minimum wage jobs and living with my parents. I can't last much longer like this

There is a way to recover, you're smart I've seen other posts you've made, it's difficult but you will find a path thru the thicket. School sing the only path for fulfilling work indeed many people with phds fin themselves in similar work Living with parents feels shameful but it's a reality for many of us, it's kind of a new (old since that's how most of humanity lived) norm, don't compare yourself to others especially if it's unrealistic. Working minimum wage menial work might feel like waste of your potential but again it's just the reality of it, lots of people are misemplyed, doing work unsuited to them, it doesn't reflect badly on you. If the work thing is worry what others think then fuck em, if it's a more personal feeling that you lack stimulation or need fulfillment then till you got stuff better look for a different outlet, be creative in your free time Hang in there

cried after work today. feels like everyone i work with is friends with eachother, but dont give a shit about me. my life is empty as hell, and i ache all over from this job. my boyfriend is the only thing that makes me happy, and i can barely see him anymore because we're both so busy with work. really not sure what to do. i was happy and now i'm sliding right back into the hole i thought i made it out of.

definitely have hit a pretty big low point in my life. posted about it more in the love advice thread with my recent breakup. in general though i've lost both of my dad's parents and my girlfriend of ~a year and some months broke things off in the past 8-9ish months. she hangs around my college house still basically every day and we've had some conversations and honestly had some weirdly close moments (usually when we're both at least a bit drunk but there have been some sober ones as well) which she always seems to regret immediately after unfortunately and has told me that we need to "stop doing things that friends don't do". i feel like this week she's been pretty distant and not really engaging with me as much as my housemates and our other friends and she's been kind of extra friendly-flirty towards one of my really good friends and housemates like today i heard her doting over his haircut a lot and they spent a lot of time together alone today chatting and watching shows and that definitely gets to me. it's awful that i only feel okay when she's giving me attention and i can forget for a moment that we aren't together anymore. the "close" moments we've had in the past few weeks and even just sitting next to her in a group and having her talk to me give me hope that she might eventually change her mind but i know that's ridiculous and not going to happen. i feel so desperate and pathetic that i really haven't moved on at all and to be completely honest i don't really feel like i want to. never had this kind of breakup before. she's meant a lot more to me than anyone else and i'm too afraid of letting go even though it's basically a sealed deal as far as i can tell. shit's got me feeling awful and i really haven't felt this down in probably 6-7 years and it's really got me worried about the rest of this semester

I think I'm gonna kill myself. University is not for me, and when I told my parents I planned on dropping out they got very upset and called me a lazy idiot for constantly pissing away all chances I had at moving out and getting a job. I did some thinking and I've realised that they're right. I am a lazy idiot. I could never get a job, and I'm even less likely to get a uni degree. I don't even know if I want a job anymore, I just want my life to end really. I have 1300mg of tramadol left and I'm planning on taking it all, then head into the forest where there's a huge antenna that I'll climb up and jump from. Should be enough height to kill me I hope. I don't know if this is a goodbye or not. Knowing me I'll probably pussy out at the last second as per usual.

@normal boy stay with us, you're worth it. I thought the same 3 years ago but then I moved into a different country and opportunities flourished to do things close to what I wanted. It's very hard, but perseverance pays off eventually. Trust me. I've been through the same thoughts and feelings.

No one deserves to go out like this, not even you. Been there done that and it's rough shit. You just gotta keep trying to come out on top. Please don't end it like this. You may not fully understand what all you're throwing away.

My psychologist keeps telling me to turn myself in to the hospital, but for what? It'll just be the same when I get out

Maybe look for a new psychologist? Sounds like they're not bothered about helping you and just wants to push you onto the hospital

Does your psychologist communicate with your psychiatrist or pdoc? If so maybe the pdoc/psychiatrist wants to change your meds but is afraid of how you will react during the transition. Given what you've shared here in the past the hospital would probably quickly transition you to a psych ward where they can make those med changes and monitor you. If that's the reason, great! It shows your team cares about you. However, if that's not the reason then.... yeah, basically exactly what you said.

I had a dream last night, where I woke up in my room at my mothers place. I was so relieved to know that moving out, losing my friends and all of the extra anxiety and depression I had gotten was just a bad dream. I literally hugged myself out of relief and started getting ready to go to the gym. Then I actually woke up to my alarm, groggy as fuck and not very excited to start another uneventful day. It is both painful and inspiring to look back at the better parts of life. It depends on my mood. Painful to know how far I've fallen, but inspiring to know that I've managed to pull myself out of it before so I definitely have it in me to do it again. I decided to make a little plan for next week so I can hopefully get going with exercising again. I try to solve problems in my life by going through my excuses first. Like right now I don't want to be outside the house because I'm not happy with my looks. So I'm gonna get a haircut and hopefully some new clothes if I find something I like next week. I'm also not happy with my exercising clothes due to the extra weight I carry now compared to then, so that too I'll buy a new set of. I hope that by going through the excuses I make, I'll reach a point where there's no excuses left. Or, the excuses starts going more delusional so I can hopefully see them as such which yet again leaves me with no excuses.

I realized something about my sexuality near the end of august, that I'm bisexual and have a massive preference for guys, and I think it might have ruined my life. I don't think my body image and self esteem have been any lower since then. The final nail in the coffin I think was discovering these absolutely beautiful male instagram cosplayers like Geheichou, Knitemaya and Petrovichgesha, who I want nothing more than to look exactly like them. And watching shows like Yuri on Ice and Voltron Legendary Defender and reading BL manga like Yarichin Bitch Club or Ten Count have just reinforced that. The bodies of all the boys in those are my exact goal but I don't even know if it's possible, especially for someone my height and body type (i'm 5'7 and probably at least a mesomorph, if not an endomorph, when I want to be an ectomorph so badly); even for people who successfully diet and work out and shit I don't even think could attain those bodies. Not to mention I'm as hairy as a fucking grizzly bear and I hate it so much, I hate every follicle of hair on my body and face; I feel so fucking hideous looking in the mirror and seeing this hairy fucking mutant covered in love handles and man boobs when my goal is to look like something out of a fuckin Yaoi manga, and I don't even think a transition like that is possible. It sucks because boys like that are my only type, and because I like boys WAY MORE than girls I just constantly feel like shit because I know that my dream guy doesn't and will never exist and I'll never be able to look like that. I just feel so alone and miserable. I started dieting about a week ago and started this recommended calisthenics routine on r/bodyweightfitness 6 days ago and I have no idea what I'm doing or if doing this will help me get the yaoi bod of my dreams. Diet and exercise are such long-term things that I have no idea if what I'm doing is even having any effect, and I stress about my calories and what I eat and whether or not the exercise I'm doing is enough every single day to the point where I just burst into fucking tears. And I just can't stop fucking crying and I feel miserable constantly, doing even basic shit makes me want to die. I was at an inpatient because I was suicidal and now that I'm out I'm still fucking suicidal. The outpatient I'm going to is full of baby boomers 3x my age who I don't feel comfortable talking to about my sexuality, which sucks because it's kind of the source of my problems and the group therapy is the only option I have now aside from TMS or ECT. On top of that I had a mental breakdown and stupidly told my grandparents that I couldn't stop crying one day and now they won't let me out of their sight, I have to go over to their house every day for the foreseeable future and stay there until my parents come to pick me up because they don't trust me being alone by myself. But it just makes me even more miserable because all I think about is how much i wasted my life and how everyone else my age is in college and knows how to drive and is following their dreams and I've just been sitting in a hole crying for 10 years. My fucking drugs do nothing to help. And my grandparents are forcing me to do shit like read my drivers manual and get a license and I just feel so fucking miserable it's like I'm in hell, I've never in my life actively wanted to die as much as I do now. I just want to lay in bed and sob but my grandparents yell at me if i act even a little depressed or start to cry in the misguided hope that doing so helps me when really it just makes me feel even worse. It doesn't help that they keep telling me how smart I am and how much potential I have and how from now on my problems are going to be all my fault because I'm an adult but ibdont fucking feel like one. They're forcing me to read my driver's manual so I can take the written driver's test and get my permit because even though I'm 19 I still can't fucking drive, and having to read that thing is like having to pull off your fingernails, I feel like I'm in actual hell when I'm going through that thing, and they want me to read it multiple times and memorize EVERYTHING. And my goal of becoming an artist has never been further than it has been before. I started drawing when I was 16 and already hated everything I made but I kept going because I figured that if I improved then I'd start to enjoy it, but I never ended up improving because I dunno I guess I fucking did something wrong and I just gave up. Now I'm trying to start drawing again after a year without so much as doodling anything and my skills have atrophied so much that the shit I put out looks like something a fifth grader made and it makes me feel like shit. I want nothing more than to be able to draw like my favorite artists on instagram and tumblr and shit but that goal is so far off and requires so much effort it's basically impossible for me. I think this is what rock bottom feels like. I've never been this miserable in my life. I'm just so fucking sick of this and I'm sick of hating myself and I'm sick on not being able to do anything. All I want is to have a yaoi body and enjoy drawing but both of those are so far off its as achievable as trying to touch the sky when you have no arms. I just want to fucking die.

Losing weight/getting fit is a slow process. 6 years ago I was around 250 lbs, 6'1, and unhappy. 8 months ago, through hard work, determination, and persistence, I reached 143 lbs. You can manage this. You can pull it off. You just have to stick with it, be honest with yourself, and keep your head up. You will stumble. You will fall. But that's okay. We all do. It's impossible to not. So don't give up. Persist. Persevere. Tell yourself "I can do this, one day at a time". And just move forward, one step at a time. Body issues are harder to work with, and I know because I have them. Having lost all this weight I still look at myself in the mirror some days and go "You fat fuck, the fuck is wrong with you". It really takes it out of me to have that feeling, but every time I do, I just do my absolute best to remember it's just my brain playing tricks on me, it's just 20 years of being overweight and unhappy with how I looked sticking around. One day it will go, but it'll only go away if we work at it. So work at it. Don't give up, don't walk away, you can do this. I promise you. It's never going to be easy, but doing it will pay for itself in the long run. You might not get the boyfriend of your dreams just by making yourself happier with your body, but you will give yourself more opportunities by gaining the confidence that comes with it.

Okay, I ended up not killing myself. I talked to my parents some more, and even though they think that I'm still just lazy they agreed to help me get a time with a therapist or something. I smoked some hash today and took some of the tram and I'm really fucking high right now. I don't even know if what I'm typing makes sense.