Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V7 - General

I got an interview this morning at a new establishment, and I told my workplace yesterday only to be told to "if you go to that interview tomorrow, you will not have a job here anymore, and you can fuck off." So I did :V They belittled my every move, laughed at me, slagged me off and told me that "they will eat me alive and I will not make it" - I was at a VERY unprofessional Italian restaurant and the interview is at a 2-Michellin Star hotel for waiting staff. Got the interview over and done with and I have a trial shift on Monday. Now who's laughing?!

i try to be positive but sometomes have depression too

Oh damn, didn't know the existence of this place, I'll try to take place here more often I live with my gf that has depression and anxiety, it hits her really bad, I try the most on helping her by finding therapist and professionals, I got not a real job more than staying in home, working on gmod servers and selling scripts so i can spend time with her and pay ther some therapists I try to cher up her a lot, I'm aware it won't always work, I'm aware it's pretty hard for her to wake up, get confidence, I'm also photographer and that helps her in some ways to give her some confidence, I've seen her passing trhough lots of problems with depression that you guys might have, so I'll just try to give my 2 cents tips to anyone that's looking for help And yeah, I'm always aware that getting around with sad people will get you sad, but maybe I can help

The progress that I've been making in my life toward getting my career going, moving out of my parents' house, and getting my private life with my girlfriend up to an acceptable level of luxury has been helping me out a lot, but my job has me under such crippling amounts of stress and anxiety that I'm on the verge of breaking down for the first time since May, when I attempted suicide. I haven't had any active thoughts of self-harm, but a lot of passive thinking. Tomorrow I'm going to have a word with my boss about it and appeal for her help.

i need to vent: the only thing i hate more than myself are people who throw your feelings aside and pretend as if they're helping i have yearly ups and downs but christ is it bad this time

I'm so tired I can't even play games or make any food. How is that even possible when I don't even have a job or do anything? Sometimes it's so strong I can't stand up, and most of the time walking I almost trip. And when I gather enough strenght to make dinner I go to the store that is 50m away from me, and then I just fall asleep in my bed because it took all my energy. Now I mostly order food.

I'm not going to tell you to exercise or anything, but I can recommend you to take very small trips around your block, it's not needed to do it everyday But if you feel up to walk around 5 minutes, you will start asking your body to keep moving, by the time you will keep asking to walk more and you will see that it will help you to manage better your energy Eat fruits, make your bed, try to eat 3 small foods everyday and it will help you I can understand you won't feel at all like doing that, but I did it, from not wanting to wake up at all because I was tired, to gain energy by moving around and breathing fresh air, whatever it takes, it will always feels weird, but it's for you and it will help you even if your counterpart doesn't want that help

Every time I see my father all he does is scold me for being 'lazy' and not having a clean room or something or other. Every time he goes to such pains to ensure that I feel like the biggest piece of shit. I just sit there and take it without reacting or saying anything, and he can rant for minutes while I do this. Calls me lazy, implies I'm being spoiled and childish, that I need to 'grow up'. The reality behind me seeming lazy and unmotivated is that I'm on the verge of killing myself, and every little demotivational rant edges me further and induces a cutting fit. I'm 20 and enrolled more than full time in university while spending my weekends working, all of this to make my parents satisfied in the hopes that they'll stop treating me like some shit they found on the bottom of their shoe, but if I fix up the big things in my life, then they'll just agonize me over the small things like whether I've unloaded the dishwasher today. I have no goddamn clue what to do about this. Whenever my dad is speaking like that to me I feel paralyzed and unable to speak, let alone verbalize my feelings, which I have a good hunch he wouldn't give two shits about anyways.

Just as I have said before, they don't know, neither understand depression, I've seen my GF talking to her mother, explain all of that and that just didn't work Your dad it's not and won't be a support for your problems, you should talk with the closest family member you got, the kindest and nice, but please don't expect your father to be helpful to your problems About the "lazy", that's completely understandable, my GF doesn't help me at all in the home, I understand her problems and there's a barrier that I help her to go through by small steps, like doing the bed, put the dishes at their place while I cook, clean and work I'm completely okay with that but as I'm a compressive guy, I might drive mad sometimes too, so you gotta understand that from outside and without knowing, your father behavior even if it's incorrect, it's logical You are doing great in playing numb on his toxic and aggressive behavior, you don't fight aggressiveness with more aggression, but try to keep working on in your space, if you want to clean, just try to keep stuff at it state, until he doesn't have nothing to bitch about Have a nice day even if shit is raining

I don't know if this is an appropriate place or not - I don't know if it's appropriate at all because it has basically summed up what has been going on for the past seven months of my life - and it is full of stories and it makes me so upset. It seems no matter who I tell it to, who I talk to, I can't get the story out of my head, no matter how many times I tell it. This is going to be a long post. Take the appropriate-toned music and take in the reading. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaSVkb_XLt4 Seven months ago, I got in a relationship with a woman who I thought I'd never lose. This was my first love -- first relationship. She made me happy and sad and depressed and all of that during these 7 months, but on our third month, she began to talk to one of her cousins. His name was Dylan. She had started to talk to him and text him a lot often - much more than me. This Dylan knew our close personal friends more than I did. I was confused, but I let it slide because I had trust and faith in her. She fell asleep on me - though, so I just fuck around on her phone while she's asleep. I look at Dylan's snap username, though, and I notice the original nickname that he gave was similar to an account that I had seen on Instagram. I had to look it up on my own phone to make sure, and sure enough, they were the same account from the same people. The only problem was that this isn't who my girlfriend said he was. This in fact; was someone from our town. I was upset, let's be real. She had told one of her friends though, that this dude who was in the Discord server she joined, that she had a crush on him. This friend never told me. This is Wyatt. He'll be brought up in the story later, because now that I'm thinking about it, he's done this a lot. This revealed a soft side of me; I beg and cry on my girlfriend to not leave. Never to leave me for him. Not for him. I ask a lot of questions, like if she loves him. I don't know why, but she responded with an "I don't know." I logged into her Discord one time, as well. I saw them flirting like mad crazy, and there was hints that I looked over that they have had been sending nudes. That broke me. It hurt me. "Love is a strong word," she said. I took it in, though. I cried for a week at night. But I wanted to be with her. So I took it. I should've left when I heard that. This is one of my many regrets and a red flag that'd lead to a much bigger story. I gave her trust. I gave the trust back easily because I genuinely believed that she was in love with me. She wouldn't hurt me. I thought wrong; she was manipulative of me. It seemed so much as if she didn't care. She fell asleep on me (yes, again,) and I looked at her phone and went through their messages because this is like, a rare opportunity to do this bullshit, and may as well have done it. But the messages I saw just killed me, and I had even mentioned that this happened in a shorter and much more vague way in an earlier version of the threads. Here's the message. It had killed every ounce of trust and I had two long lines on the top of my legs. I kept this a secret for a month until I broke down and admitted it to her, who seemed incredibly upset. I genuinely don't know why I stayed. After that, I had admitted to her that there's gonna be a long period of trust issues. She agreed. Slowly and tediously, my trust issues disappeared. But we still got into arguments, and it was about her and it was about me. It eventually got to a point where we both loved each other but we needed a break. We still couldn't stop talking to each other until she just started ignoring me suddenly. It had turned out she was talking to the one person that had ruined the relationship in the first place; she was talking to Dylan. It tore me. This was a week ago. Friday came and she went to go see Dylan and slept(cuddled with him.) I wanted to die. Now I don't care. But I still do care still. Because I'm shredded to pieces - it's as if my soul broke rather than my heart. Saturday came and I was in her Facebook to find out that she had confirmed those (and lied about it just as well to the friend she was talking to) but something struck me off. In the messages she had sent to her friend, it was that he's 18. Keep in mind that-- yes, we're young. She and I are both 15. I genuinely don't know what to do. Not at this point. I contacted her mom and just told her everything. I can't write anymore. This is just heavy weight here and it's a lot of pain. I just want to be over it.

Dude, run...Just run...I know this not what you might want to hear, but having to check your GF's phone it's not healthy at all! Even if you have your reason, it's never the option If you had to get into that point, the relation it's way messed up, you're young, have some fucks or just have fun around, don't get a girlfriend, get one once you find someone that really take you seriously It will fucking hurt, everyone went through that, but you can't force someone to love you, and this girl obviously is not enough mature to understand that THIS HURTS. One day someone will hurt her really bad and she will grow up internally, so cut everything with her, it's just a step, not your past, neither your person, don't make her be the reason you're insecure, toxic, neither manipulative because it will trick you in future relationship with people that plays fair How to get over it? Delete her from every social media, delete photos, for the moment if you both had a song, just take those off, take her out of your life because it's not good for you I'm not trying to play therapist or anything, I just want to give some help with some messed up problems we all might have, I will come one day too with my head destroyed and I'll hope one of you guys have some honest and nice to say to me

Anyone else feel like they're about to burst into tears in the back of your skull but nothing happens?

I've pretty much been isolated to my bedroom for the past decade only leaving to do chores and returning as quickly as possible to get on the computer. Every waking moment I spend has to have my thoughts redirected to something or else I go into a downward spiral of anxiety and self loathing. I have no practiced skill because I can't commit to anything before I need to jump to the next thing. I ended up only being able to rely on a single person for social interaction. I have an unhealthy fixation on that single person, but that has been the case for the previous single person's as well. I realized through my reliance on said single person that I don't even enjoy the games I play with them, I just wanted to be with them and telling myself otherwise was just being disingenuous to both my friend and I, so I've since then stopped trying to play with others and just patiently wait till they're available. Regardless of that my self loathing and anxiety has gotten worse this past year, being a neet for close to a decade now I find little value in my own existence and I'm starting to believe everyone hates me, regardless of how much they hang out with or tell me otherwise. As of course around middle school my life turned to shit, my parents got divorced, family deaths, and I was being bullied. My father essentially left me alone since the start of my downward spiral probably thinking that the problem I had would just sort itself out, he got frustrated at me a few times and told me to get over it a few times but we all know how that works out, so I've been in a position where I can't move on in life without relying on someone to help get me started, while my father spent all of his time working to support me financially. I always wanted to be succesful but I never had the willpower or even a dream to make it reality, I get constantly told that I should just do what my father does which is construction and agriculture related but I feel like I am selling myself short and that just doing what he does is a resignation of my future. Regardless, in the last year where I tried to push myself to get out of this situation a new worse situation happened, my father fell severely ill due to a genetic disorder which put him in liver failure, so my life was put on hold again until this could be resolved one or another. It was a scary time that was testing the limits of my sanity but thanks to a donor my father is starting the road to recovery as long as he doesn't do something stupid. Even so, I feel like my emotional state is still going down the drain and my sanity is still in a constant struggle. I find myself restless, that I need to do something but I can't start it, last night I ended up laying in bed motionless with my phone in hand for 15-20 minutes just because I was in a state where I couldn't do anything, this continued until I woke up a few hours later, which I ended up going to bed again anyways. I try to avoid staying up past midnight if I'm not playing with someone as my self perceived depression starts to ramp up.

So bothmy therapist and I agree that I have some form of PTSD at this point. My circumstances back when I was at home were... less than ideal, but I thought that moving away from the people hurting me would let me put all that behind me. Thats how it was at first too, for thrle first 6 months of me being on my own I felt great. I started to move forward in my life. I made friends, got an apartment, and started going to college. After those six or so months things started to change. I started to jump at loud or unexpected noises. Sometimes someone would be talking to me and halfway through the conversation I'd realize that I had no idea what they were talking about and that I had been conpletely zoned out. At first I chalked these up to me being tired and easily distracted, but then things got worse. I started having memories that I'd rather not remember pop into my mind because I thought about or saw something tangentially or conceptually similar to it. When this happened it kinda felt like someone slapped my brain and afterwards I'd be completely distracted and unfocused for hours. Sometimes it did legitimately feel like I was back in one of those situations. Sometimes when it happened when I was alone I'd start telling people from the memory to fuck off. After a month or so it started to get worse. I started to snap at people with little to no provocation. I couldnt sleep at night because the slightest noise would put me on edge. Some nights it got bad enough that I have to put on some headphones and keep the TV on so I can get to sleep. I started breaking out into hives when certain things happened and I essentially dropped out of college. I started to drink heavily almost as soon as I turned 21, some nights I'd drink half a bottle or so of rum just so I could get to sleep. After a year or so of this I finally accepted that I had a problem after getting into multiple fights with my significsnt other. With some urging from friends I decided to find a therapist. Fast forward a couple of therapy sessions and here we are today. The therapy has helped. Being able to put a label on my problems helped for some reason. I still feel like crap and can't sleep, but at least I'm hopeful that I'll find a way to solve mitigate what Im dealing with. To be honest I don't feel all too confortable saying that I have PTSD. I guess I feel like I dont "deserve it"

There's this weird thing that I'm going through right now. It's as if my depression is finally and completely(ish) lifting, which feels great btw , but every now and then it'll come back. The weird thing is that after each time it comes back/goes away it'll come back in shorter but much stronger bursts. It's nice that it doesn't last as long but it feels so overwhelming with the feelings of sadness/loathing/uselessness/suicide/etc. Thankfully I believe I've developed the fortitude to get through such feelings, but I just find it so weird that it's happening like this... How the bouts of depression are becoming shorter but much more intense when/if they happen. Has this happened to anyone else?

You're getting stronger! congratulations on that, what I might guess, just a theory, not sure if this is a real thing, but it happend me (I'm not sure what grade of depression i had), but i have to work really hard in myself to look always positive and strong, even for the people that i try to take care of But sometimes I just can't and something just hit me hard, like being in bus stop or in a line and suddenly i break in tears for no reason, like everything you got in your back suddenly falls

Yup, happens to me almost every time my depression starts to clear up a bit. The way I see it, depression puts you in this very stable but low mood for long periods of times. It goes a little bit up and a little bit down but mostly it's a flat line. Though when you're getting out of a depression, that stability turns more into chaos. You'll have moments where you're so happy and content, then the next moment it'll do a skydive back to the previous normal. Then suddenly you're happy again, feeling normal and yet another nosedive pops up out of nowhere. I think that when we're depressed, that contrast between happy and sad is very small. When you're coming out of it, that contrast can be massive. We humans like to compare everything, including our peaks and valleys, so with a huge contrast, we feel the effects even more. I get like this when I have good days while I'm depressed too. I'll get so happy that I'm borderline manic just because feeling happy is a huge contrast compared to my normal depressed mood. Though I have ADHD too which I recently got to know so no idea if this is normal or not considering ADHD amplifies emotions. And of course, I'm no psychologist or have any education on it. This is just me speculating from my own experiences.

So my initially thought foolproof plan of "distract yourself with minesweeper" isn't working that well. It's all fine and dandy for most of the day but as soon as I have to go to sleep and I have to face my thoughts for even a second it all just comes crashing down. Today being the worst of it. My heart literally ached and then a million shitty thoughts rushed through my head which ended with "go downstairs and slit your own throat". I called the suicide hotline just to have someone calm me down which worked to some extent but that always makes me feel shitty afterwards. Because they're such nice people and I don't have the heart to tell them that none of the advice they're giving is helping at all. Fuck this shit dude. I don't have anyone to talk to because I'm so incredibly self destructive that any relationship I do manage to form I ruin eventually. That's the biggest joke though innit. That even if I manage to live to a day where I' get everything I want and I'm happy, I'd just ruin it on the spot because I can never allow myself to be happy. On the bright side, I'm getting really good at minesweeper. My expert time is 117, what's up.

Did you give a try to antidepressant? That thing won't solve your problems but it will help a lot, first days you will feel really numb, but with the time you will get used at this, my respects on you by calling a hotline, that tells me that you would be able to take a pill once you find a problem with yourself

I haven't. A therapist recommended it to me once and I said no. Why? Not sure. It could be my stubbornness and that I'm so backwards that I want to "beat depression by myself" despite knowing how ridiculous that is. Or it could have been my aforementioned self destructiveness. Could be both. That was a couple of years ago though, I think I am ready to try one. Thanks.

Both of you described it pretty well, thanks for your thoughts on the matter.

You can’t, and shouldn’t try and run from thoughts or over occupy yourself. Try and take up meditation, even if it’s just 5 minutes a week. You have a similar issue I do, an over active and over expressive mind. The cure to this is not to submerge yourself in activity, it’s to confront the thoughts. at least that’s worked for me. You may want to seek out an anti depressant. Personally, they don’t work for me as I’ve had adverse reactions to a litany of them, so I’ve always found the fix for me is to work at productively solving my issues, like eating better food, keeping a cleaner house, taking care of my body more. Etc. You got this.

Sometimes, life confuses me so much. I don't know if the things I'm doing are good for me or not. I feel like I'm second guessing everything I'm doing as if I don't trust myself. I feel so burdened and weighed down yet I don't know what I want to share here. It's as if the things weighing me down are completely invisible. I feel stuck with no clear direction to go. I think I'm a bit too fixated on fixing my life which is overwhelming because how do you do that? It's not like flipping a switch, it usually takes more than that. A part of me thinks it's better to go with the flow. If I want to do a thing, then I do that thing. Problem with that is it doesn't work. I really, really want to get back into an exercising routine. I got no problem starting up and maintaining that for a short while but eventually I don't want to do it anymore. If I go with the flow, I remove something from my life that makes me feel better. If I go with the flow, I'll have moments where I excel at routine stuff but eventually I don't want to do that anymore either. Going with the flow doesn't work for me because eventually I don't want to do any of it anymore. The alternative is to plan it out and do it regardless of what I want in the moment but that exhausts me beyond words. I'll stick to a routine or go to the gym for 2-3 months but gradually I get more and more tired. It takes more effort than the previous day and I end up so exhausted and burned out that I can't keep up. Everyday normalcy exhausts me. I've become so resistant to even trying because knowing me and my past, it feels like it's not even worth it. I've always crashed and burned eventually so why even bother. I don't understand how people are able to go to school, work, the gym or any other routine stuff for extended periods of times. Hopefully this will improve as soon as I get this ADHD treated though. For now, venting will do.

I made the mistake of falling for a girl who I have been sleeping with. She is a lesbian and recently has a girlfriend, but I still like her. I don't know what to do to get her out of my head. Doesn't help that I have been supporting her financially. She currently still lives with her parents and is 27. I know I am getting used, she'd call me babe and stuff when she wants something for me or get bitchy if she doesn't get what she wants. When I am with her I have to take care of her when she is drunk and every time she always wants to sleep with me(she cheats on her girlfriend for me), even if I don't want to. Every time I try to reciprocate feelings she'd constantly remind me that she has a girlfriend. I am kind of in the wrong for letting this happen, but I always think about her, even at work. I don't let it interfere with my job at least. I think I may have attachment issues or something. I just cling to things... Doesn't help that I live on my own. I have a good paying job, my own place, a car, etc. and all I can think about is this girl. I am such an idiot, but I am so stubborn, I won't learn my lesson until it is too late.

Motivation comes in waves. Motivation isn't what you need. You need discipline. Discipline is a practice, not a personal quality. I recommend sticking with working out and physical work because it naturally fights depression through the presence of dopamine. I get the urge to work out in bursts, but it's really not about the urge, it's about a continued practice. There's a lot of mental stability that comes with doing something like a hobby or working out as if it was a practice, and not something driven by motivation. I know that can feel weird, but it's something I tell myself, as much as I'm telling you now. It seems to work.

I appreciate the reply and I fully agree, though I recently got to know I have ADHD so that dopamine thing is a big issue for me! So right now I'm waiting to be put on medication to see how much that'll help then take it from there.

Since sleep was brought up, I sleep to a fan blowing the background, the constant noise is easy to focus on and helps my anxiety a bit. Prior to sleeping with background noise I'd have trouble sleeping due to thoughts racing around in my mind until dawn. It's not a real solution but it helps. Also earlier this year I took up riding a bike around town to get out of the house and help deal with stress, I can't quite tell if it's working on that front but there's some positivity in it's effects on my physical health at least.

arrived at uni today I cannot shake the feeling that I'm gonna fuck it all up in the exact same way and become a hermit in 3 weeks again doing it the firs time was bad enough, I'm not sure I could take doing it a second time

Basically I have this person in a Discord server I'm in who I sometimes talk to and he sometimes has suicidal thoughts. He irregularly talks about it and he thinks about often most likely because his family hates homosexuality and he's a closet gay with a long-distance relationship. The thing is I don't talk to him much and I have no idea if his boyfriend helps him with his life since his boyfriend doesn't talk to me about this and when he does he states the obvious (he's feeling depressed,he's suicidal etc.). I want to help this guy out but I know that a simple "cheer up" doesn't do much so I'm asking for advice on how to help him out. Keep in mind this is a Discord server,we don't know each other IRL and we live far from each other (and so does his boyfriend.)

I've been feeling lighter the past few days, both physically and mentally! I managed to lose 27.5kg back in 2016 which is what I'd consider to be the best period of my life. Lots of exercising and socializing, it felt amazing. In 2017 when I moved out for the first time I started a gradual decline which stopped about a year ago and I'm still in that pit. I managed to gain 20 of those kilos back and I've been feeling awful because of it. None of my clothes fit anymore and my economy has been so bad that I haven't been able to purchase new clothes. My self esteem completely died. Lately I've been trying to make an effort to make some progress on this, specifically losing weight. It'd allow me to not only wear the clothes I bought a while ago but also, to no surprise, make me feel better in general. So that's what I did and now I've lost about 12kgs! Just a few more kilos left and I'm back to the point I was before my depression hit me again. Then I'm going to pick up exercising again because that's hell of a lot more motivating to do when you can easily see your progress. So yeah, feels good to accomplish something at least. I'm still terrible with sleeping and that sucks a lot. Last night, or morning rather, I didn't fall asleep until 10AM and woke up 5PM. Right now it's 02:21AM and I'm in this weird limbo of feeling sleepy but I'm far from ready to actually fall asleep. It's not fun to lie in bed for 6 hours without falling asleep I'll tell you that.