Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles. V6
55 replies, posted
Keep your chin up, things will get better.
OP copied from previous thread
Feel free to share anything that's causing you distress, most people in this thread are in the same(or similar) boat that you are.
Just be aware that Facepunch is no substitute for a Psychiatrist, but talking things out with other people can be cathartic and helpful. For diagnosis use a professional. WebMD and online diagnosis tools are bad, mmmkay?
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Stressed about using the phone for a suicide hotline, or more comfortable with text?
Many countries also have phone numbers you can text as well. Look around for the one relevant to your state, province, or country.
Types of Psychiatric Professionals:
Generally, if you go with someone like an ARNP you would be best served also working with a therapist. ARNP will diagnose and check in with you to manage medication. Therapist will help you learn coping strategies and work on other aspects of yourself you wish to improve.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Medication Side Effects:
No idea if this is related but still. I instantly got a panic attack with strong rapid heartbeats, adrenalin and strong tremors in my body. I'm used with this but the thing that made me worried is that it was so quick and it made me extremely hungry - I ate like a maniac. Has anyone else experienced this?
i need an escape and I have no escape
the ones I want have left me and for good reasons.
I have nobody to talk to that I can trust now, though
Increased appetite may also be seen in certain emotional or psychiatric conditions, as well as a response to stress, anxiety, or depression. Episodes of hypoglycemia can cause excessive hunger as well. Certain prescription drugs can also increase appetite.
I'm so sick of people, I can't stop trying to help them but they never give as much of a shit about me.
Why don't I have the mental/emotional strength to just tell them to fuck off? Is it because I never had a dad, that I grew up trying to please everyone but myself? Have I doomed myself to a life of a doormat for others?
Even when typing this poorly constructed post I feel like I'm being to upfront, like I'm even entitled to having someone care as much about me as I do about them.
Fuck me, I guess.
I went to my doctor and she definitely told me to find someone to talk to. Tomorrow or wednesday I will hopefully make an appointment with a therapist/counselor/psychologist/whatever i know they're different.
It feels better knowing that even in a very tiny way I'm validated that what I feel is actually "real".
i don't know why I still try
got some bad news today.. fuck mental illness
Everytime I see the title of this thread while skimming Im instantly triggered into a depression-bout that doesn't leave me for hours. Lmao can't believe my absolute retard-strength mental inertia allows me to be so fragile emotionally.
I'm so fucking tired of doing the same thing everyday.
I know exactly what I want to do, and I have the tools to do it all right in front of me but still i'm just stuck in the same cycle of wasting all my time on mundane bullshit.
I don't understand why I'm so perpetually stressed even though I have absolutely zero external stressors
Now that I've started caring about my image I've realised how much my depression affected my clothing purchases - everything's oversized/baggy since I only cared if it was comfortable and vaguely fit, and it's eating at me knowing how much it'll cost to replace them with clothes that'll actually fit me and aren't just random things tossed together. That's in addition to the fact I've never done any serious clothes shopping because I just...never cared.
I'm also getting a minor grasp on my anxiety; I've actually, like, gone to lectures and even clubs/societies(!!!) so while I'm still haven't plenty of moments, I guess I'm improving my baseline. I still can't escape the crushing feeling of not really being friends with anyone instead of just talking to people if I run into them; my interactions are all so shallow and it kinda doesn't feel like I'm improving much instead of just getting by in a way I could've always done.
I used to be an edgy asshole who'd laugh at folks "getting triggered". Then I joined the military and deployed to Africa. When I came home I suffered from anxiety, ptsd and depression. Now I get triggered. Life is crazy sometimes.
Does anyone know if there's treatment for people who suffer from what I can only call compulsive perfectionism?
It's controlling every aspect of my life. I can't send out an email without first checking what I wrote 3-4 times, even when it's just 2 sentences.
I can't write a program without going over the whole thing over and over again multiple times trying to search for coding mistakes or bad design choices.
I can't write an assignment on paper without writing the whole thing twice -- once in scrap form and once nicely with no mistakes on it.
I can't make a post on this forum without reading over what I wrote 3 or 4 times. I'm doing it right now even!
I can't play an FPS without getting 100% kills and secrets. I can't play a stealth game like Thief or Deus Ex without going absolutely undetected.
I can't play an RPG without min/maxing literally everything in existence.
And the end result of all this is that 1. I take way too much time doing absolutely anything, and 2. if I do end up making a mistake I hate myself for it.
It's even gotten to the point that, if I do end up making a mistake, then I see the whole thing as failed and I just give up entirely. Sometimes I even go as far as to destroy
every little piece until it is totally unsalvageable.
It's like my mind is subconciously telling me that there is nothing worse than mediocrity, so my performance ends up being entirely binary.
Either I perform really well, or I produce a catastrophic failure. There's no middle ground anymore.
That does sound like narcissism to me the way you wrote. Specifically the mediocrity part. As if you've been conditioned to only allowed to be loved when you're at the top of things.
Could be you just haven't recognized them
I don't think it's narcissism, mainly because the defining traits simply don't match me. Sure, there are some phases where I lack empathy and become a total jackass, but this is usually coupled with some other factor bringing down my mood and making me feel like shit. People aren't always perfect after all.
More frequently however, I help someone even when it's likely to become a burden for myself. When my ex-girlfriend had severe health and financial issues, I got extremely distressed and tried my best to get her out of that position, even going so far as trying to convince other friends of ours to help. I tried keeping a student union at my university alive, despite growing signs that people just weren't interested anymore, and an increasing number of members leaving. I ended up taking over way more work than should be expected of any student. Furthermore, I regularly help people when they can't do something as well as I can -- and I actually experience joy from doing so. I can still feel "perfect" while helping others, and I do not berate them for performing worse. And finally, if I hurt anyone, either by accident or out of stupid, in-the-moment anger, I immediately regret it afterwards and feel profusely sorry for even the slightest misdemeanor. So no, I do not think I am a narcissist.
However, I do think the description of perfectionism matches me to a T. The all-or-nothing thinking; being extremely critical of oneself, seeing any imperfect achievement as a failure, setting unrealistic goals all the time, low self-esteem, procrastination out of a fear of underperforming... it's all there.
Let me exemplify this with a ridiculous case where there are absolutely no consequences for performing badly, yet I still judge myself as harshly as in any other situation:
Picture myself playing Quake. I sometimes spend hours trying to find the path to some secret area that isn't necessary at all to progress. If I don't get it, it keeps nagging me when continuing, and makes me think that I didn't experience the game in full, so I am left unsatisfied. If I am completely unable to find the path into the secret, and simply cheat (i.e. noclip) to find the way, then I feel "dirty" in the sense that I didn't do it "perfectly" by finding it on my own. On the other hand, in the unlikely case where I do find the secret without cheats, then IF it took me hours to find it, I'm still left unsatisfied because then I feel that I didn't do it fast enough, so it's not perfect anymore, even though I did get 100%.
This pattern occurs in all aspects of my life. For instance, I sometimes take up to 3 days to finish an assignment that takes other students half a day. While the Quake case is easy to fix ("just go finish the level and stop caring about the secrets") I cannot for the life of me figure out what exactly I am doing wrong when I am, for instance, writing a report. The problem there is that the perfectionism seems to occur incrementally, in possibly infinitely small steps, to the point where it's no longer possible to easily determine what I need to do to stop being slow as molasses.
This scares me because of the implications it will have when I will start a job in 1-2 years. With me being this slow, I fear that all the knowledge in the world doesn't matter if I can't finish tasks in time. I can be as intelligent as I want or have the best grades in the world -- if I can't perform quickly enough, then I'm screwed.
So I learned not too long ago that I come from a dysfunctional family, it's weird how much denial I was in about that fact. I think it stems from a fear of letting go of who I was because, if I'm being honest, my behaviours aren't so good. I think I relied on my past traumas to define who I was, or something like that. Now I'm faced with the task of figuring out who I am as a person and what kind of person I want to be. I've got years if not decades of bad parenting to unlearn which is gonna be tough, but it definitely seems possible. I'm glad I found out about it at a younger age because it's not as deeply entwined in to my being.
It was kinda funny how I figured this out. I always knew there was something wrong with me but I had no idea how to describe it. Then I stumbled across this page on Wikipedia (I love to just randomly read about things lol). When I read it from top to bottom it was like when I read about major depression, each sentence/bullet point I read was like a checklist of things that pertained to my life or how I was feeling.
When I finished reading about it (not only on Wikipedia but from other search results I got from Google) and came to accept it, something seemed to "click" in my brain. I could finally piece together the puzzle and answer so many questions of why I would do things a certain way, or why I would be affected by things people would say to me. I feel like I've finally gotten the answer I needed to move on with my life, it's really weird how that works.
There's a bunch of things I can do to improve my life so I'll be trying to work on that, one thing at a time. It really helps to know the common denominator to my problems, it's like they say: Knowing is half the battle.
I swear, getting into an online suicide hotline is harder than getting into college. On a different note, but similar topic, damn you medicine making companies and shitty insurance im leeching off my parents. I can't even afford the dang ADHD medicine that I was prescribed which may make it a bit harder to actually wait for a suicide hotline person to come to answer I guess. Parent's insurance deductible is so high I'd have to lose an arm before insurance started covering anything. And I'm doing shit in college cause I spend my time writing out my problems on Facepunch instead of doing the work and then when things go to shit I just want to kill myself and not have to deal with it. I mean I totally plan the shit out of it in my head whenever I get too depressed. I look up what people ask online and I always see stuff like "Oh, you can try to kill yourself but ya might not successfully do it". Pfffft, like that'll stop me. I am smart enough to do multiple tries at the same time to increase the odds that any attempt will work, although im not in any reeeal interest of doing any suicide stuff. I don't know why i fail so goddamn hard at getting things done, even with shit like therapy it just does not make me work properly. Sometimes I just think that I am sort of wasting resources and taking the place of other people who could certainly do better shit with the stuff I have been given. ah well. sometimes I just like to type out walls of text for the shit that I have been thinking about. I just sort of feel that my inability to do shit might be able to be cured by medication, and maybe it could and maybe it couldn't. But if I had the power to actually buy the shit and take it and see whether it could help or whether it kills me is just something I want to know. I just sort of want to die after typing all of this out, but I can't because my only source of continuing, my sister, is coming here for thanksgiving next week and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I couldn't give two shits about my Dad and Stepmom when it comes to considering whether or not to kill myself, ya know? I love my dad, my stepmom is just sorta meh like a roommate, but they are just too business for me I guess. ah well. I've been typing for a bit now and there are still 29 people ahead of me in the dang suicide chatroom line. How is this supposed to keep me from dying? Or, like i had heard earlier, they prevent your suicide by making you die from old age first. I think my college's 3d printer isn't high enough quality to 3d print a gun, so I got that running for me. I like 3d printing, but when I keep doing shit in my classes I feel like I have less and less privilege to be using it. Time that I spend setting up the 3D print (Honestly not all that much...) but I just don't think I should be using it because i should be doing the work that I can't focus on, no matter what it feels like. Hell, I'm probably doing so shit because i've been too lazy to buy my fucking anti-depressants. I know I should do it. I know I can't complain if I don't do it. It's only 10 minutes away and they only cost 10$. I need them or I'll want to kill myself. They might not help with ADHD but they make me not want to kill myself. They do all of that stuff, but I can't get out of this goddamn faux leather chair and go and get them. The pharmacy has them on ready. They have been texting me saying they have them ready for me and will be there for me when I go to pick them up. I need them, but I can't fucking get myself to go and pick them up. I've had two checks since september that I need to deposit and I can't do that either. I guess if I just don't have the parts then I shouldn't go on or something. I can spend hours reworking my goddamn list of magical items so it looks better, but I can't spend thirty minutes on two multiple choice calculus problems my professor assigned for homework earlier this week. Anyways, this is a huge wall of text and people will probably get lost in it but I'll post it anyways because I CAN, DEAL WITH ITTTTT. Yeah. G'night you Facepunchers, don't know where I would browse with out all of you GARRY
I'm really unsure of how much longer I can last in my parent's household anymore. I stated multiple times by now in these threads that I just wanted to leave and escape from all the toxicity I'm forced to endure, but every time I had the opportunity I just fall back into the same hole and retract my notions and I'm still here. It's getting to the point where I need to make up my mind already before matters get worse. Ever since adulthood, I've had the luxury of still staying under their roof without the need of rent, other than paying for my phone bill and other personal utilities, but due to the fact my family is gradually becoming more poor, and my step dad is out of a job still, lately I've been getting lectured that I'm gonna have to compromise for rent eventually if I choose to stay here still, which I'd rather not since my income is so low, and it would just make it harder on me to save up and afford more expensive needs like a car or college. I was thinking of finally moving out by Summer time next year, since my parents intend on moving elsewhere anyways because the house they're renting was sold but we're still on the lease until then, and so I can have enough money put away and move while I'm not broke, and live with my grandparents back in California to hopefully have a fresh start at a new life. But I'm now beginning to feel I should bite the bullet and just get out of here already now that tensions are rising more under this roof. My parents have been fighting again recently and my step dad is threatening to divorce, and taking his anger out on everyone. I seriously want to believe he's just saying that out of spite and then everything will be fine again in a few days, but my parents have a long history of multiple divorce threats whenever they fight, and they actually have divorced temporarily a few times, so it could happen again, and it worries me. Overall, I'm sick of having to deal with this bullshit consistently, but I need to withhold a little more longer so I'm not leaving too suddenly and giving myself enough time and money to be ready, I just want out of this house already fuuuuuuuck.
Urethritis fucking sucks. What am I doing wrong that I keep getting this burning sensation in my penis? I don't have an STD since it's been over a year the last time I had sex and started experiencing symptoms 7 months after the night. I went to the doctor, I got the STD test which came out clean. Gave the urine sample which was also clean. But still I keep getting these urges to pee but only a little stream comes out. Ever since March my life has fucking sucked big time.
I don't feel sick or nauseated
Yeah I'm sorry, perhaps I should've said narcissistic trauma rather than narcissism. I'm not speaking about more commonly acknowledged narcissistic traits, but about a more of clinically defined condition of the narcissistic trauma. At it's core, it happens when a child is regularly denied love and attention unless they show some feat of excellence. Resulting in a nagging sense of pursuit for achievements or superiority in a child, not for cool-headed reasons but out of desperate need for love. There's also a spectrum, like with all personality types, and you don't necessarily have to be 80% narcissist to fully re-experience the underlying narcissistic trauma day by day. So, I'm speculating, in your case it could be that you feel great when you get things in the top notch manner, but as long as you start feeling that reality of it strikes you back (you have to do things on top AND fast and you physically can't) your psyche starts suffering because of the trauma and you start feeling denial of love. I think that seeking a therapist who's experienced with narcissism (not all of them are) would be a great thing for you and your future. I'm speculating of course though, so please be skeptical about that.
Actually you have a point there. While I wasn't being denied love by my family, I did use to be the best student at the school before I switched, getting multiple straight As, and generally having to study very little to achieve great performance (though to be fair, I was miscategorized into a level that was far too low for my skills). That was roughly 9-10 years ago now, and throughout that time period (roughly 2 years), I was being bullied severely by the other students in the class.
It's possible that, during that time, I completely lost all sense of self-esteem in all areas except how well I perform at school and work. So when that's taken away from me, it completely robs me of everything I value myself for. Going to that school instead of going straight down the higher-level path of education was certainly the worst decision of my life.
I feel so weird. Happy about the upcoming weekend cause I'm seeing some friends, but I'm having an existensial crisis at the moment because I can't study and I can't work so I just exist in this limbo right now. I don't want to see other people when I'm in a state like this but I'll force myself to cause I know it'll be good for me, but just the same, I'm gonna just fade away so why even bother meeting people? I have nothing to live for.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS! .....I've lost my job yesterday :v I was a waitress at THE top hotel in my area. I lasted for 2 months, which was much longer than I expected. I had to remember 5 white wines, 5 red wines, and ALL of the ingredients from every single dish on the menu, which I was unable to do... I am an eager learner, however I am on thr autistic spectrum, which makes learning a little longer than average for me to do. I have no fucking hope left. You are in for a treat in my area, if you do care work or hospitality/catering work. Otherwise, you're fucked. Now... How to tell my entire family that they are only able to get a hug and a kiss from me this Christmas...
I'm sorry to hear about that. It's not easy for a lot of people like myself who have autism to be very successful at a job or even sustaining it for long, especially when the working industry expects you to be more than capable of understanding your job and properly carrying out your tasks independently. I had it pretty rough these past two years working five different jobs and only lasting up to three months at best for each one, but I hadn't gave up and now I'm currently working at another fast food place and have had it pretty easy so far, since my managers actually understand my disability and are more patient with me, and so far I've managed to keep this job for almost three months, hopefully longer. Though I'm gonna have to go out and start searching for a second job since business is getting slower from the change of season and I'm getting less hours. I hope you will be able to find something else very soon that's suitable for you and the people you work with can empathise better.
I think come 2019 I will 100% read up on and work on my art business again, as well as my writing projects :V Might not get me anywhere, but at least I will be at peace and happy doing the things I love. Money is the only issue, seeing as I am only on PIP at the moment... My partner is as well, and he's struggling to keep his house as it is.
Has anyoine else dealt with toxic shame? Like, constantly feeling ashamed of yourself.
I just lost one of my best friends due to my constant negativity. I feel like the biggest turd in the world, and yet at the same time I feel like I couldn't control my actions, like this behavior has just become part of me.
Mods, please ban me if I ever make another negative post on this forum. This needs to stop now. Even if I never make up with her, i want to at least make sure that all this hasn't been for nothing.
I feel your pain on this one. I lost a girl I really liked because I made some shit mistakes and turned out she thought I was a creep and went on to accuse me of stalking her which I didn't, recently she popped up to me on instagram and threatened to commit suicide over me and reading that just made me real sad inside as I didn't want her to end up feeling like that. To be honest I completely blame myself for it getting to that situation so I'm not too surprised if I get any shit over the situation.
After all I wouldn't worry too much. It's difficult at first but after a while you'll get used to things. Time does heal relationships eventually and you still have a shot at getting her back, just don't do it too early and don't do it every so often like I've done. I waited two years to talk to a girl from secondary school again who I knew before this other girl and had a similar problem with (nowhere near as bad) and ended up being civil again after a bit of convincing.
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