Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v11 - She's totally into you edition - General

My first year of University for me was fairly soul-crushing. I had issues adapting from a high school setting as well as wrangling my notorious procrastination habits, which lead to low grades. The second issue, however, is that I treated the whole thing clinically. I got to class, sat down, took my notes, sat up and left. I made a single acquaintance during the year. Our uni organized a good internship/formation course which I managed to qualify for (me and my acquaintance were two of the three admitted in my class, ironically). Socially it was great because, being very close to an actual 'work environment', I had an excuse to talk to people. Now that I'm back at uni I dunno what to do. Italian universities have a very hands off approach, to the point you're not required to actually follow any class. No group projects. You just sit down and listen to the prof. Which means I have no excuses to talk with anybody. A plan I've set for myself is to sit more in front of the class as well as interacting more with my professors, answering questions by raising my hand if possible. I think that with a bit of effort I can manage that, but I'm completely lost on the social side. How the fuck do I strike a conversation?

Okay honestly from my experience in university, I got 90% of friends from the after-school activities, i.e. drinking/events. You don't talk to people in class, you just don't. You're in Italy, you must have some fernet branca get-together events or something man.

First, if you're in Milan hit me up Second, you just take whatever excuse to strike a conversation and if you like the people you stick around. Eventually it will snowball into knowing a lot of people. Also activities afterwards, even just going to lunch or to get a beer

Oh I'm totally aware of that. I just want to see if there any popular ones to get into or know when a good one strikes. I had an idea about investing in stock in the video game industry or some entertainment ones.

I don't drink. I'm in Naples, unfortunately. Anyway, that's sort of the point. I don't know how to find excuses to start conversations. It doesn't help that I have this compulsion to keep things short anyway because I feel like I may be inconveniencing or annoying them.

I wouldn't say i'm bad at conversations at all, per-say. My confidence when its come to relating with people and chatting endlessly when I know about a topic is something i'm very happy I developed into. However, I have an issue where I lack knowledge on a lot of topics. If we talk about something I know, or something i've experienced; I can confidently chat for hours and have a great time. But chatting about things I have little idea about, I feel like I hit a mental roadblock. I'm kinda closed off and living under a rock, now its just about me getting more interested in things and expanding my interests and talking points

Anytime someone brings of sports, I just can't carry the conversation.

hey hey hey I'm gonna word vomit here because I need an outlet My girlfriend broke up with me two weeks ago. Initially, it seemed like an okay breakup, as far as these things go. I made her laugh as we went home, as we happen to live fairly close to one another. but I think we struggled to communicate meaningfully together while we were in a relationship and the communication got worse when we weren't. I think part of the problem is that she is a diehard Quebecois francophone and I am an american import to canada. My french sucks. Her english is good but ultimately french is her primary language, the one she is more comfortable in. the language barrier manifested itself in small but critical ways. For example, we were having sex one night (coincidentally the last time). I wasn't wearing a condom (which I'll get into later), I got to the point where I was going to climax. I pulled out. She asked me if I pulled out and while I'm confident that I did, a must have answered in a way that didn't sound absolute to her. again, she's not perfect at english, she doesn't necessarily grasp the subtlety. She was terrified that I didn't pull out in time. She went as far to take a morning after pill. I was pretty alarmed that I scared her so much that I put her in that position. I tried to explain that to her, but I was very physically agitated after thinking about it. Alas. Another weird thing is that she couldn't read the expressions on my face. Or to put it in another way, she found me particularly non-expressive. it's not something that I can really change but I suspect it made her hard for her to trust me because of that particular habit of mine as to why I wasn't wearing a condom, I don't have a spectacular defense of that but I'm not really trying to defend myself. I was terrified when she first asked me to come over to her place. I couldn't get it up at all the first time we were together, and the few times afterwards. She did want me to wear a condom for obvious reasons but I struggled with it. It was my first real relationship. After that scare of hers she had, I promised to be better about it, but we never had time to get together again. at some point I know that she told a mutual friend that I refused to wear condoms. From her perspective, she's being pretty bluntly honest but I think it's not painting the whole picture. I'm trying not to paint myself as the good guy here but I can't avoid any bias whatsoever. I know I fucked up. After the breakup, I decided to do little instagram stories to express whatever thought or emotion I was feeling at the time. some of these were about the breakup but I never named her, never said anything in specific detail about the relationship. They were just mopey sad posts to put the feelings somewhere. I messaged her about it asking if it bothered her, she said it didn't but it made her uncomfortable. I offered to like, block her from seeing it but she decided to just unfollow me to allow me to express myself. in retrospect, it was not a wise decision to make these instagram stories and she was not just uncomfortable about it. the last time I messaged her, she blew up at me at changing my facebook banner and told me that she didn't want to be my friend right now. the banner itself is pretty innocuous (I didn't change it to something like a photo of us or whatever, it had nothing to do with the relationship) so I was pretty alarmed and didn't see her blowing up at me coming. I changed it anyway. I think at this point we don't have any emotional distance between one another despite us having broken up, so she's projecting something else onto my actions. so if anyone is reading this and is taking notes, when you're in a (hetero) relationship: 1) Wear a condom so your SO can be safe and feel safe. 2) don't be passive when you communicate

So the girl I've been talking to for a little over a week is actually flying over for a week and we're working on plans to meet up. This is gonna be a looooooong wait.

relationship update: the ex is no longer angry with me and we are on speaking terms again. I think what helped is that I decided to delete my facebook and my instagram. these past few weeks have made me realize I have a unhealthy relationship with social media. Perhaps an issue that has been building for a while but all this self inflicted drama broke the camel's back. we're even (sort of) going out on a date? I promised to her when we were dating that our next date(which we never got to) we could go to a cat cafe. She's a cat fanatic and always wanted to go. I need to pay her back for the situation I put her into, making her feel like she needed to take the morning after pill. The date is a means to pay her back basically. so uh yeah I think first relationships kind of suck but they're a learning experience. I was dumb.

I'm not sure why you felt to need to clarify "hetero" in there is my only input really.

You should always wear a condom if your partners status isn't 100 % known. You really only should go bareback if your partner is definitely using other means of contraception. Not to mention the risk of diseases with new people.

Fair, changed. We were friends for a while before, so I knew that wasn't an issue. but yeah

I can't imagine not using a condom. There is no fear like the potential-post-sex-pregnancy fear.

Condoms honestly kinda suck and our sex has been 100% better once the gf and I switched to the pill.

Condoms aren't all that great at preventing pregnancies, the pill is more reliable (and IUDs more so, if your GF doesn't mind getting one). In stable relationships I honestly don't get why people pick a rubber jacket out of the great options out there. Also is there such a thing as potential-pre-sex-pregnancy fear?

I'm sure some people fear the thought of babies even before sex, so sure.

My biggest problem socializing is that I can't really pretend that I like someone when I don't. And it shows, I usually get told to "Cheer up!" or such when someone I know notices it. It usually comes up If someone is being an absolute cockbag with their opinions and shit they say and I know the best way to handle it would be to fake a smile and nod and be like "Mm-hmm" until you can leave the situation. But unless I make a huge conscious effort I look visibly disgusted and annoyed all the time until I get told not to.

Just leave the situation sooner. If you can't pretend to be interested it isn't any more rude to leave than it is to show that you are annoyed.

Not that i'm really asking for pity or anything, but i'm genuinely curious if anyone can relate to being in a situation where you've had no siblings, and you parents were neglectful I've come to realize over time just how fucked up it is to not have much parent interaction, ontop of having little to nobody else to really experience it with or talk to about via no siblings. I don't think I'd ever want to put my kids through what i've been through. Being a single child is a horrible thing

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/how-effective-contraception/ Male condoms Perfect use: 98% effective. This means that 2 in 100 women whose partners use a condom will get pregnant in a year. Typical use: around 82% effective. This means around 18 in 100 women will get pregnant in a year. When the pill fails that’s also usually down to improper use, except in typical usage it’s still about twice as effective at preventing pregnancies. “Perfect” usage rates is of course something you can consider, but convenience and usability factors are inherent factors in success - “I don’t have a condom on me, let’s just pull out tonight babe” is a failure mode as well, even though obviously a condom might’ve worked perfectly well. Pills and IUDs are more effective in both typical and perfect usage anyway, with the latter basically having no distinction between the two modes.

Don't worry buddy, having siblings doesn't automatically mean having a fulfilling relationship with them ;)

It never hurts to double up. Simpy taking anti-biotics can fuck up the pill, IRRC. That's how a friend of mine got pregnant, because they don't tell people that in this country.

While you're not wrong, there are some things I'd like to add. First thing is, condoms are very reliable. A couple having sex year round have a %98+ chance of no pregnancy; that is not a number to scoff at. I would feel absolutely comfortable having sex with a condom. Just check afterwards that there are no leaks and hold the base of the condom when pulling out of the vagina. I used to do leak tests with a faucet afterwards when I was really paranoid. Hormone pills/Injections/patches can be dangerous and inconvenient to women, it can turn them into hormonal messes. Mini pills are very risky because ovulation can start immediately if the girl is late even by a few hours, though their side effects are a bit better. IUDs (copper) we great because they're very effective as well, but can be painful at the start and can sometimes be felt by the man. Great choice though if it works for you. Now, I do not condone using the withdrawal method (pull out) as a sole form of contraception (and yes, it is considered contraception), when performed correctly, it can be nearly as effective as a condom (https://www.google.com/amp/s/broadly.vice.com/amp/en_us/article/ywmm9k/pulling-out-is-as-effective-as-using-condoms) Withdrawal method in combination of ovulation monitoring is actually a legitimate and fairly effective contraceptive combo. If the girl is fine with early abortions should an unexpected pregnancy happen, then I'd say go for it, just be aware that there is debate as to whether or not pre-cum has viable sperm. It seems that some men have motile sperm in their pre-cum while others do not. YMMV. The point of this post is that a problem with a lot of sex is they often make it seem like if a penis just touches a vagina the girl will get pregnant. The average couple as to have sex around 70+ times before conception. Even with a dude cumming inside a woman every couple of days, it could take 6 months to get pregnant. Or it could happen the first time. All I'm saying is educate yourself on the risks of all these contraceptives, always have a plan should a pregnancy occur regardless of what you're doing/not doing and there won't be any issues. If an unplanned pregnancy would ruin your life, then double up (condom plus pullout is a very practical combo)

When I wrote that condoms aren’t “great” at preventing pregnancies, it’s specifically because I’m comparing its success rate with the pull-out method. If you’re not much better than simply not doing the exact thing Mother Nature intended, perhaps you only qualify as “okay” or “adequate”. 98% is a misleading stat, because that’s simply not how it’s used in the general population. Add the fussiness to this and I wouldn’t recommend (not that I would discourage it either) using them as contraception for long term couples, if the aim is to avoid pregnancies. I simply don’t really understand why you’d want to, unless you’ve tried the alternatives and you’ve had issues. If it works for you, more power to you, though. I’m also not the one scared of getting my gf pregnant (as you correctly point out, it’s actually quite hard), those would be the people doubling up in here. I’ll add that I find these piggyback posts confusing, because I honestly don’t know how much of your response is about my posts being unclear and how much is you adding onto them.

Went to buy some home stuff. Cute clerk there. We talked quite well. Bought the stuff. Left the store. Walked for five minutes and contemplated my choices. I ended up going back, and for the first time in my life I asked for a number. Unfortunately she had a boyfriend, but I got very happy anyway, because I managed to climb the mountain that is anxiety. Also, now I have no regrets. I hope she felt it as a compliment and not as a nuisance.

One thing I'd like to highlight is that typical use doesn't indicate a typical experience. This is a good read to anybody curious about contraception and the terms like "perfect use and typical use": https://www.kindara.com/blog/perfect-use-typical-use-imperfect-use-what-exactly-does-it-all-mean Basically any contraception that works best with your lifestyle is the best contraception for you, like you said. Even so, a man could get a vasectomy and still get his partner pregnant. The risk will always be there, which is why I personally believe early stage abortion should be more normalized, particularly in USA and other countries that hold it in controversial eyes. I personally don't think condoms are fussy, especially nice ones like lifestyles Skyn. The only limit would be spontaneous sex being a little harder, which is probably why typical condom use rates have higher pregnancy rates. My responses are being pretty broad, I'm just kind of adding to the general conversation, just verbal diarrhoea.

Forgive the following wall of text, but I need to vent this off. TL;DR I got turned down and sent home from the Police Aptitude Tests after 2,5 hours and I have zero clue as to why. 'Bout 5-6 months ago I sent an application to the police academy and yesterday was planned for the aptitude tests, the typical doctor's exam, strength, conditioning, etc. I get there, check in, wait around and get called up to do, let's call it what it is, intelligence test. There are shapes, numbers, patterns, words, math, you get the idea. It felt alright when I finished it and went back to the reception. Even the clerk complimented me and said it went well. So next up was the "Personality test" - 241 questions and statements where you tick the option which suits you the most, from "not correct at all" to "very correct" (?). Shit went on like "I feel comfortable in crowds", "I am considered cold and calculating", "I consider myself patient", "When the stress gets the better of me I break down", "I believe moral ideas should be allowed to be handled by religious authorities", "Art and poetry speaks to me", "I am renowned for my tenacity", "When someone does something nice to me I get suspicious", "When I take on something I finish it", and so on and so on. Whole point was to answer in accordance to how you felt spontaneously after reading the statement. So I finish it, believing I'm neither a psychopath or thin-skinned soy boy but your average guy. Go back to the reception and tell them I finished, thereafter get sent up a floor for a session with the psychologist. So I'm just sitting in the waiting room a little nervous, you know, as you get whenever you're up against the shrink. You hear these stories about how people ace across the board and seem like the nicest and sweetest individuals you come across only to get turned down by the shrink and get sent home. Half a year wasted, like that. Finally I hear my name and following this lady to one of the rooms. We sit down and she gets straight to the point - "The Police has decided to not let you pass and be accepted into the police academy". In this moment I'm too shocked to be sad or angry, it all came as a lightning bolt from a clear blue sky. So I try to get a clear picture of why I am being denied and sent home but she doesn't give me an actual answer, like there's a reluctance. Feels like she saying "They don't want to let you pass and neither them nor we want to tell you why". "But there is no kind of ban or barrier so you are free to apply again for next time." Great, thanks a lot, you just pissed away half a year of my life and now I have to wait another halfyear. I figured I'd reflect over the whole thing and try come up with a conclusion as to why I failed on the way home, but I have literally ABSOLUTE ZERO idea what I did wrong or where it went wrong. And because they wouldn't let me know what was wrong, how the fuck am I supposed to improve till next time? Not feeling like going in blind again next time and get turned down because of the same error and bam! waste another halfyear. Planning on calling them today and try again to get an explanation.

I believe they might have not liked the personality test. Your definition of average could mean something entirely else to the psychologist. Anyhow it sucks to hear you got denied over something so meanial. I myself took a long list of personality and situation checks for my airforce application(and waiting for my appointment with a psychologist) so now I am kinda nervous after hearing your story. Its a good idea to keep contacting them for a reason but if the psychologist was unable to give one then there is little chance theyll disclose it now. Might be oversaid but keep holding faith that you'll get in.

While the test does not have right or wrong answers, it is designed to look for patterns and consistency which is a far clearer marker of what a person is like. Asking many of the same questions just with minor variations of circumstance and getting wildly different answers can show a psychologist a lot about if someone is really like this or just answering because it is the expected answer. The personality test that you took is one of the most respected and well researched tests in the entire psychological field, if it is the one I'm thinking of.