Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v11 - She's totally into you edition - General

I'm going to piggy back off of what Constant Heart said... You need to get yourself together, get your emotions together, and basically start learning to enjoy things and love yourself. You might need to see someone professionally and see if you are suffering from depression or anything like that. What you said @shrinkme kinda gives me the thought you might be having deeper issues, which there is nothing wrong with that. It is important to recognize that and try to address that. As Constant heart said, a girlfriend isn't going to fix it. If anything it will make you feel worse because some of the stuff you are talking about might interfere with the relationship and cause it to fail, which would make you feel worse off. Take care of yourself, start getting out more, enjoy the time you have with friends, make an effort to put yourself out there, address some of the underlying feelings you have with a professional. Once you start feeling a bit better about life and you feel ready yourself start putting yourself out there. You'll handle things like failure and rejection better if you are in a healthy state of mind. Currently feeling the way you do dating is going to be a huge challenge and make you feel worse.

So me and a lass had been dating since the 11th Jan, it'd been going really well up until yesterday where she told me she has a major problem with me joining the Army Reserves - something which I told her within the first week of us going out. Yesterday she brought it up for the first time whilst we were at the pub, and today she sent me a text saying she's just not okay with it and we couldn't be together. Just like that. Something's up but tbh I don't think I want to know. We had a good time though, shame it had to end. Is what it is. Not sacrificing my life choices for another's personal morals and/or values.

Seems kind of abrupt, but you're right, it is what it is. Do whatever the fuck you wanna do.

Me and my ex (I was in a relationship with her for a much longer period of time than anyone else) separated in mid-November of last year. I struggled with this ever since, and only lately have I started to feel better. We agreed to block each other early March in order to get our feelings straight. We'd been talking ever since we broke up, and had been hoping to get back together. I unblocked her today, and I saw she was fucking engaged to some guy? I found out from a friend she met him two-three weeks ago. Is it wrong of me to be happy about this, in an almost twisted way? Like, I really hope this fucking blows up in her face. I'm salty, I know, but this is going against everything she stood for when we were together. I don't even know. Maybe I seem like the bad guy, but this is a very succinct description of what happened. I feel happy, tbh.

to me being happy about it in hoping that it fails is definitely petty. honestly the response seems to me like you shouldn't have unblocked her in the first place. what do you gain from seeing this?

Um, seems like she wasn't being very truthful. Reality is if you were open with that from the start she wouldn't have dated you. Sounds like she was using your goals to join the reserves as an easy out. Props to you for sticking to your guns. Don't let your ego get in the way of things. Just because she is marrying someone else doesn't mean you are a bad guy or that you have bad qualities. To me it seems like you are projecting or applying some expectation onto her that she clearly doesn't share with you (I.E hoping to get back together/expecting to get back together). imo, it is kinda petty to be happy for someone only because you hope it blows up. If anything, if you actually care about her then you should be happy in the aspect that you hope she has a good life. I'm sorry you got your hopes up, but don't let the time you've taken to feel better be undone by what she is doing.

seriously, this from my brief experience, you're supposed to be having fun out there, and make good/fun impression of yourself, just like in real life you would be when talking/meeting with new people. tinder is about meeting new people, and meeting new people is supposed to be fun and interesting. being too serious and humorless in your profile is not really the way to go on a super social app like this, or else you'll find yourself potentially on some pretty serious dates, which are no fun. it's also good to remember this when you're about to go on Tinder with an unstable/sad/tired/etc. state of mind, which is no fun either.

I think it's understandable to kind of hope that it fails in a twisted way, I think anyone who has been broken up with while still holding onto the belief that you may get back together eventually, only for this to happen, would understand to some degree. However, it's important to recognize that that is a very selfish and mean desire. Don't beat yourself up over it, you're only human, but recognize there's no benefit to anyone. Maybe it will fail, or maybe she's gonna be with this guy for the rest of her life, but at the end of the day, it's irrelevant. You aren't relevant in her life anymore and you need to accept that. If you care about her, you'd want her to be happy, even if it seems to contradict her past values. I still talk to my ex of a 5 year relationship, we hang out once in a while too. I give her advice on dating dudes, we talk about our dates and new relationships cause at the end of the day, our relationship is over in a romantic capacity, but we're still friends and just want the other to be happy. When our relationship ended, if she wanted complete silence and never wanted to see me again for whatever reason, then I'd have been fine with that. We aren't together anymore, life goes on.

NGL though getting engaged three weeks into dating is a really bad idea.

It ranks up there with using a beehive as a fleshlight and I'll admit, part of me is morbidly curious about how fast that's gonna end up biting them in the ass.

Honestly, I wouldn't be that pessimistic. We all know a large percentage of marriages don't work out. But no one has any heuristics on which ones are the ones that fail. And from my limited experience, I'm pretty certain that if two people who really love each other happen to find themselves in the endless pool of people, there isn't really much time needed to figure out how you feel. I think a long lead-up to marriage is mostly for people who are unsure about their compatibility to their partner or even something people do that are in purely practical relationships without any foundation of true love. (Or just people who don't care about the formality of marriage ) I mean, I wouldn't get married that quickly, but I'm also the type of person to get a prenup, so yeah.

Getting engaged before being at least two years in a relationship is ill-advised. The beginning of a relationship is mostly driven by passion, which fades away eventually. It's only after that phase has ended that you can actually know whether it's a good idea to spend the rest of your lives together.

If passion fades after two years, I wouldn't get married.

That's what happens to the vast majority of couples, though, even if the duration may vary a little. It's basically a biological mechanism. Love is not all about passion. After it fades out, what keeps couples together is the relationship they've built over the years and the attachment they feel for one another. Mutual comfort takes the place of passion as relationship glue. Which is why it's a bad idea to get married early, you may love each other as passionate lovers, but you only get to know whether your relationship is sustainable in the long run after that passion has run its course. That's why relationships often end around the 2-3 years mark, and those that healthily survive for longer tend to be much more long-lasting (or last a whole lifetime).

No, he is talking about the honeymoon phase. It is during the first year or so most people are in "bliss" and they really ignore things or behaviors that would normally bother them. Plus people tend to put on a mask during this time and as time goes on their real-self comes out and how the actually behave comes out. Getting married after a few weeks, let alone a few months, is kinda reckless. I'm not saying it couldn't work out, but you really don't know someone that well in that time frame.

Follow my lead gents, I dated 7 years before I proposed.

I think the person I Love is in love with my best friend and they love them back, and i have no idea how the fuck Im supposed to approach this situation. I don't want to lose either of them but i couldn't fucking handle it if they were together what he fuck am i supposed to do in this situation?

welp, took two weeks off from tinder but just made a new account tonight cuz the last girl I was talking to ghosted :/ wish me luck boys!

Honestly, learning to move on is a very valuable skill. There's nothing you can - nor should - do. You can't control how others feel, you can only control how you feel.

Its a skill I really wish I could learn.

You can learn it. I don't know how long you have "loved" this person. But if it is has been short term, don't confuse infatuation with love. This is going to sound harsh - but you're not gonna die. Her liking someone else isn't going to kill you or break you. So seriously, don't panic and don't let yourself get overly upset about it. It fucking sucks when you really like someone and the feeling doesn't get reciprocated back. I get it, but you need to take the time to kinda pull yourself away from the situation and think clearly once you get the chance. If you even have the slightest hint as you said you do about her liking someone else it is time to move on. It will only turn you into "that" friend who made things weird because unreciprocated feeling. At least if you can get yourself squared away and feel better you still hopefully have two good friends.

That's fair, but the thing is i don't feel things anymore, being around them is the first time i felt anything in a long time, its what makes it so hard to move on.

love them as a friends. I love my friends. I would be gutted if anything happened to them. They're good people and I hope the best for them. Focus on being yourself, be a good friend, and appreciate what you have with them. Sometimes it is hard not to get the relationship you want out of it, but If I could keep certain feelings in check I would want to keep them as my friends.

I've never been super active in this thread, but I've been a mega lurker ever since it started. I wanna thank you guys for all the advice you've given along the way. It's vicariously helped me through a lot of things, and now I potentially have a relationship with the girl of my dreams. You are all extremely wonderful.

/Begin Rant Ive been in a rough spot for the past few weeks. early december, I (21 years old at this point), I started getting close to a girl (which I will refer to as A), which was my first time liking someone and feeling liked back. It was the first time I cuddled with someone and honestly felt great, even if a bit (silly) awkward. but my college's winter break came, so for over a month we only held contact over text, which went fine. come the beginning of college again, and she avoids me, literally. as in turns around when she sees me, denies any request to hang out. after a week of this, she messages that her mental health has gotten the best of her, and she can't get close to anyone at this point. On one side, I wasn't sure if she was lying to put me down slowly, or if she was being serious (which was very possible, my college is insanely difficult and has one of the highest depression rates in the nation, everyone here is stressed. I'm honestly ok stresswise but I am unusually strong in this sense, a majority of people break down here.) as A and I were apart for about a month with very little contact (outside of her denying hanging out whenever I asked about once a week, by which the third time I said that I don't want to keep bothering her and if she wants to do something, she can feel free to reach out instead), I was left a bit unstable. regrettably, feelings for a very good friend of mine (Henceforth C) popped up (perhaps as a coping mechanism?) and left me off worse. I was pretty sure C held none of those feelings for me, but her behavior (and tbh my mental state) left me confused. Thankfully I did nothing to jeopardize my friendship with C, and she later sorta hinted to coming out as lesbian/leaning bi, so there goes that anyways. then last week, A reached out to me and asked if I wanted to watch a show with her over the weekend, to which I agreed. The weekend rolled by and she basically backed out last second, saying she was feeling well. I also knew the night before she went out with friends to a bar, so the paranoid part of me says she came back with some other guy, but realistically, she probably felt depressed again. I don't know. I just find the environment I am in so toxic. Not the people, the people are great, but the stress applied to everyone just hangs as a dark shadow. it's weird, I have grown much as a person, and I feel it. People say they enjoy my sarcasm, humor, and projected confidence while still helping everyone. Comically my bi (male) friends have tried to asked me out recently (even though we all know I am straight), since I am apparently a "nerds wet dream" or something. yet I can't shake of that feeling of "He's great but..." no matter what I do I feel like there is some barrier from me reaching people, and they know it. Lack of awareness of certain social cues, not being physically attractive enough (although I feel pretty fine, though maybe I am wrong and its still not enough), or just being a bit emotionally stiff. I can best describe this experience to acting, or maybe to playing in VR. In there, the world is colorful, I can put on any act and be strong, everyone laughs with me and wants to hangout. I take the headset off, and I am in a dark, empty silent room all on my own. /end rant

Turned 21 today Got a bunch of people texting me, some that I wouldn't have expected to really care Also probably passed an exam Thursday so I'm quite happy right now

Happy birthday! I went on a great sushi date last night. The girl is so bubbly and sweet, an excellent listener and resembles Blake Lively, which is my biggest celebrity crush. Already have plans for a second date tomorrow, weather permitting. Even though I hate having to use dating apps, Bumble has been the best one. I suggest giving it a chance, it has a different atmosphere than Tinder if you dislike the more hookup vibe.

You know how people mention how going to the gym is a good way to meet new people? Not in the Republican south. The whole "southern hospitality" thing is a complete myth. The truth is people down here may be polite to you (especially if you're white), but by and large they want nothing to do with you if they don't already know you. I have been going to the gym at least once or twice a week, and a grand total of one non-employee has spoken so much as a single word to me. The gym is usually completely silent apart from the TVs and noise from the various machines. It's very unnerving at times. This is one of many reasons I am getting the fuck out of here as soon as I finish school, and moving to the Nashville area at minimum. I don't belong here anymore, not since I became a radical socialist JSJW over the last few years. I'm glad the state is at least paying for my education, because it is literally my ticket to moving to a more progressive area.

I mean, most people at the gym just want to work-out and get out. People are busy. I have a strict half-hour to work out and get quite annoyed if someone wants to talk for an hour.

My first stop after I move there is actually going to be the local Unitarian Universalist church. A nice young gay couple from there came and spoke at our local UU church a couple months ago. Apparently 400 people attend there, and a lot of them are around my age. Sounds great. (Seriously, if you're ever in the mood for the community a church brings minus any religious bullshit or close-mindedness, Unitarian Universalist churches are fantastic. I'd recommend them to anyone.)