Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v11 - She's totally into you edition
626 replies, posted
The snepdad type of thing is exactly how it sounds :V I'm just not very open about admitting to that due to blackmailing douchebags. We haven't *entirely* agreed yet to 4th July, I shot him another text to let him know I'm going to look for places to go or explore there and see if he's actually up for it. It isn't too horribly far either, about 5 and half hour drive on a good day. He does work 2nd shift so it's a little hard to have a good communication block of time.
So I'm moving into a condo soon. I took the leap and will be a home owner. I'll be living pretty lean for a while since it's expensive, but I got a one bedroom condo for $100k mortgage which is a steal in my area, and I only had to put $8k in closing costs/money down. Plus I'm two minutes from my parents, I can stay at my town's counseling center, and my commute is about the same.
That is the last major barrier I put in front of myself to start dating. Other than losing weight and getting my Master's degree, which are minor barriers. I just don't feel datable for some reason.
I don't think I'm very romantic, I know how to treat people well and be kind but that's it. I am definitely not a toucher and it's hard for me to be comfortable with strangers touching my hand or patting my shoulder, and I've never felt the desire to kiss or hug. To be frank I don't even care for handshakes but its not like I can forgo that without being an asshole. I do want sex, but I don't think I can do casual hookups due to anxiety and probably developing feelings for someone who isn't looking for a relationship.
What I'd want in a relationship is someone to support me, someone who validates me when i accomplish things, values me as a person and desires me both sexually and for my personality, and someone who I can share interests with. I'd also want to do the same for them. But I think a lot of people desire romance, kissing, holding hands etc. which feels unnatural to me and I feel like I'd give the impression I don't want to do it.
Dating is just such a big risk, and I'm worried I'm just not good enough for people. Maybe I check all the boxes but I'm not exciting or romantic. Maybe I'm not attractive enough. Maybe I don't give off signals that I'm attracted to them since I'm socially awkward, so they lose interest when I actually like them. Maybe I'm too much of a talker, or maybe I'm too in touch with my feelings and come off not masculine enough. Maybe I open up too quickly and people get suspicious that I'm not honest or have baggage. Maybe someone thinks I can be manipulated into a free ride and takes advantage of me. Maybe I come off as too good to be true and they think I'm lying or trying to trick them. Maybe I make other people self conscious accidentally, or maybe I make people feel inferior. Maybe I'm not active enough or have too insular interests.
Has anyone else who's had issues with personal space or contact here ever found love? How does one be romantic physically if they have no desire or instinct to do it? How do I show that I'm interested in someone via body language if it doesn't come naturally?
I have one simple question for you:
Why? Not being condescending here or trying to be an asshole, but I've seen this attitude in a lot of people and I had a bit of it at one point in time. Dating should be pretty much risk-free. You ask someone out, they say no, then the-end. They say yes? Awesome, now go have coffee/dinner with them and talk to them. You guys seem to get along well with each other? Keep hanging out and escalate a bit. If you find the right person, they're not going to care too much about how exactly you show your affection so long as you can communicate and share your feelings with them. And you should expect them to do the same for you.
I used to over-complicate things so much when it came to women & dating. It seems like you've got some of the same issues I did: overanalyzing every little detail about me and any potential partner. So much so that it made them lose any interest because I was essentially trying to "think" my way through the date and the relationship.
Basically if you want to take away one thing from all this: it's not that complicated. Stop trying to think everything out to each minor detail; stop thinking up every possibility for every interaction. Note: this is not easy if you're used to doing it. You're going to fail. You might even look stupid. But so what? Nobody is born being able to naturally flirt with and ask out any girl they want. Just like any other skill in life, it takes practice.
That was a bit of a stream of consciousness but I hope I got the point across.
You've summed up everything that can go with a relationship pretty well there. Now I want you to realize, that those risks are always involved, no matter how involved you get with someone, any of those points can flare up later.
Now that I've put you down like that, let me explain why: Realizing that, is one of the most freeing things you can do for yourself. Try not to worry about these possibilities as much as possible. You will never be able to let go of all these worries and that's fine. But don't let them occupy your mind and block you from doing anything.
I'll single out your touch-anxiety because it's the easiest to address. A lot of people are like you in this regard and don't like being touched, I personally know a girl that flinches every time someone just gets too close and can't stand being touched most of the time. This isn't chronic, you can get over it, you just need someone you trust and you might find that any of these things become even more intimate and personal when the barrier to entry is so high.
Stop trying to measure up to what other people might find enough or too little about you and just go and look for people you like. You'll find out if they like you back.
Both of those comments are helpful. In a way I think I just need to basically do exposure therapy with dating, try it out, fail a bunch of times until it's less anxiety provoking. I just need to grit my teeth and work through the fear, and cope with the shame of being rejected.
I think the "failure" aspect is what concerns me, that feeling of inadequacy and shame from failing is a powerful demotivator. I do need to reframe how I view dating because the context of succeeding or failing is not helpful.
Right now I see dating and things not working out as me personally failing: I was not good enough, I need to change something about myself to meet someone's standards, or maybe there could have been a connection and relationship if I had done a better job of being attractive, interesting, funny or seductive. Thus, I'm apprehensive until I think I am prepared for every contingency, but social interaction is too dynamic to prepare for everything.
I guess it's that fear of "things would have worked out if I did things differently", that fear of losing out on potential happiness because of inexperience, ineptitude or apprehension, that causes me to avoid dating. I think that fear of failure is pervasive in my life, and causes me to be apprehensive about taking risks in general. I can't fail if I don't try, but I should reframe that as I can't succeed if I don't try.
I think I need to realise that things not working out can be a good thing, and in the grand scheme of things "failures" when taking these kinds of risks are minor setbacks at most, and do not permanently affect me. It's not like if I fuck up on a date I literally die, and any pain will fade.
Now I just need to keep telling myself that until I believe it.
Definitely stop seeing it as a win/lose situation, where your success is down to your performance. While your actions influence your relationship a lot, the underlying attraction is usually not concerned with missed opportunities and whatnot. Doing the whole "if only I had"-spiel will not get you anywhere and is ridiculous most of the time. Focus on being yourself and not playing a character and doing things you wouldn't do naturally. If you are not the door-holding type, don't try to force it for your date.
Sorry this took me a few days. I've written this or similar a few times before so sorry to the regulars who probably know the spiel by now. This post progresses with me chronologically (oh dear)
This is me aged 18 (10 years ago, ha!):
I too was going bald, and lived in that happy world, where I thought nobody would notice. It's there though, you can see it. Look how long my hair was, and that god awful beard too. I was not good at compensating for it haha
The balding got worse as time went by.
And the beard wasnt always necessarily any good to match, but getting hench did make me feel better about it for a while. It didn't last.
It doesn't necessarily mean you have to shave it all off though, you just need to find what works for you. The only thing you need to do is get out of that rut of assuming other people can't see it. They can. You can't hide it. But you CAN rock that look.
Own it. Be comfortable with it. Don't grow it out (unless you are devin townsend). Don't comb it over. Just know that you can be a fucking badass regardless of how much hair you have.
I was going bald at a pretty early age, even as early as high school. It tanked my self esteem pretty hard. I tried combovers and Rogaine to try and hold on to what I could. About 4-5 years ago, I decided to shave it completely and just own it.
It's the best decision I've ever made.
My confidence since then has gone through the roof. I don't have to worry anymore about people judging me for how I look, and consider my self at least reasonably attractive now. My social skills finally caught up and I could date without being self conscious all the time, eventually landing me in my current relationship that's probably headed towards marriage.
Be bold. Be beautiful. Be bald.™
Being trans and balding is probably the worst thing about my existence right now. I tried wigs for a while and shaving my head bald, but it was just so embarrassing when I would get back to someones place and have to take off my wig or have it risk falling of mid-fuck or something.
Other than that though, I'm pretty confident of everything. Just my hair.
So I have this co-worker i've been interested in for awhile.
We talk a lot and enjoy each others company but there are some potential issues. Being co-workers can be one I understand but that one is the least of my concern atm compared to the others.
So in short, she is the opposite of me in a lot of aspects and interests. She is a vegan, says she will never own a car or drive, never wants to have kids but instead wants to adopt, not looking for anything serious atm. We hung out once and had a great time, we plan to hang out this sat. or sun. again but our first hangout was a lot of fun for both of us and I really enjoyed being with her.
As for the "not looking for anything serious" part. She is looking to move out of her moms place and in with a friend and get a better job and i'm guessing by then she'd be more open to something serious once she is more stable. I don't know when that could be. What i'm getting at here is.. should I even consider dating her? (When she's ready of course) Or does this sound like a recipe for disaster?
I figured after all the stuff she told me that it wasn't going to work and said forget it. But I felt like that wasn't fair and perhaps we could change. I know I can't read her mind but it seems like she's interested in me as I am with her considering she's willing to hang out.
If I should slowly pursue how should I go about it? Should I give it more time til she's steady then reveal my feelings?
In general, people don't need to have matching hobbies or matching interests to be compatible, its a nice bonus, but ive seen successful couples that have completely different hobbies. Whats far more important is that they respect each other's interests.
However, for certain big things (religion, having kids, politics in some cases, maturity), its not something you should compromise on. Do not get into a relationship expecting the other person to change for you. they are individuals.
You can feel free to get into a casual relationship if you want with this person, she seems pretty nice. However do not go in with the expectation that she will change.
For now, just pursue friendship? I figured that was the answer.
well it's been roughly 3 months since we broke up and i've been all over the place up and down emotion-wise. been trying to avoid her as much as possible but she comes over to see my housemates on the weekend. this week was finals so she's gone for the whole summer after saturday morning which i can not wait for since everyone living in the house is staying.
last week one of my friends told me (and god knows why it's probably the dumbest fucking thing he's ever done) that she's been hooking up with one of our other friends on the weekend. hearing that really rocked me considering i still have such strong feelings for her unfortunately. tonight her and two of my housemates got piss drunk and the guy she's been with came over right before they all left without her letting anyone else know she invited him. I've been working on a final project for a class though so I only heard him come in.
i know i shouldn't care and it's none of my business but shit really hurts to actually know and see her with someone else even if it's just casual. part of me wants to be angry about it considering one of the biggest things she told me when she was breaking things off was that she'd been constantly in relationships for the past 4 or 5 years and felt like she needed a break from dating and being involved with people in that sense. she feels so hypocritical to me but i know a lot of that is just my feelings still getting the best of me and being jealous.
i really just wish my friend didn't fucking tell me i dont know why he thought i should know that. she told him everything they did and he came right to me with that like im supposed to know. it's not my business and it's only served to fuck me up more. Honestly overall i really just wish i didnt have to see her anymore at all or this past semester but it's not fair for me to tell her to not come see everyone when we have a mutual friend group so i've basically just not been around for months. havent had a proper conversation with her in at least a month. it just blows she's so seemingly completely moved on and i've been stuck in this awful rut on top of having someone tell me details of her current sex life unwarranted.
Sounds fucking rough, mate.
I have pretty much the same exact story, including "no relationships", she dated a housemate, you have it.
Now I just have some more stuff stacked on top of it.
So she dated my housemate, I had planned to move to another city, on NYE she tries to kiss me and says "don't leave". Nothing afterwards.
End of January her mother dies after 3 years of slow cancer related death.
She breaks up with my housemate despite speaking about kids with him not two weeks before. 2 weeks later word got around she has a new guy that nobody knows.
I move town early march. She wants to "come visit you" .
She comes here, we have the most awesome day, in the evening she tells me out of the blue that she fell in love with a guy at uni, open relationships are BS.
She leaves after 3 days without saying good bye because she felt like she should be home(she was planning a trip around Europe and basically stopped 2 weeks of travel plans), I totally lost it again for her in that time, all the while not manning up and telling her.
I kinda freak out since she didn't say good bye and was afraid she would do something stupid in relation to coping with her moms death.
No message for two weeks. Suddenly out of the blue she starts again a week ago.
We write for a bit, I tell her that I can not be the guy she tells her love life to since it hurts too much.
Next message(yesterday) she tells me she is pregnant., did the test two days before yesterday.
I feel like a piece of shit asshole for not being able to care for her more or noticing some signs or at least some shit.
I just feel like shit.
It's not your fault and it wasn't your responisiblity to take care of her. She distanced herself from you and it's good that you respected that. Sure, it sucks altogether, but you will have to live with that. But don't blame yourself in any way for what happened.
Why did she come visit? I don't even know if she was already pregnant when she came by. Probably not.
Additionally to that after she left without saying good bye she DID leave a small message on messenger saying she needs quietness and just wants to be hiking and alone.
2 days later I get a message on facebook that she's gonna attend what's basically a swinger/kinky/fetish-raveparty .
The kid might as well be from that.
What signs did I miss? What if I would've been just a bit more direct? And if the kid is from the new guy, holy fucking shit what do I do if he's like my father and just leaves without a trace?
And is this all really because I feel for her or is it a problem of hurt feelings and self-importance? nice-guy syndrome?
I honestly can't tell.
This is really not your problem nor should you get involved with this at all. Best to just forget about her and cut contact.
That's so hard. I have like 2 years of on/off history with her. this woman knows things about me and I do about her, I haven't felt this... understood and whole as when I was with her in ... a long time.
Shit I am realizing that the main problem is that I feel alone and without purpose, the worry for her is only second.
Now I feel even more like an asshole.
Expecting others to change their stances on things like kids is just a recipe for disaster. If it did end up working out long term, one of you would resent the other later on. Especially if you are going to be going in with the attitude that 'she could change' and not that you yourself could change to accept adoption as well.
As someone who was in more or less the same situation a year and a half ago, I think you'll recover.
Focus on bettering yourself, being outgoing, hang out with friends and it'll ease things a lot.
Soooo, I posted almost a month about my ex getting engaged to some guy she had known for a couple of weeks. She called me a few days ago, out of the blue, and spilled her fucking guts.
She's married already, and seems uncomfortable with her new husband
Her father died the day after her marriage. (I thought this was bullshit, but I checked the news and it was 100% true)
She called me because she didn't feel like she could rely on her husband for emotional support yet because "she didn't know him well enough yet"
I took a pretty cold approach, tbh. I told her that she and I were nothing anymore, and that in about three or so years, I'd be willing to talk to her, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm being toyed with. I told her I was sorry for her loss, and then I hung up. She called me back numerous times, answered, told her that I still loved her and cared for her in some regard, but I couldn't talk to her. Then I just blocked her on literally everything.
Was I too harsh? I feel like she made her bed, she can lay in it.
Nah, that sounds reasonable. She didn't even have a right to call you at all. Time to just move on and let her, as you said, lay in the bed that she made.
I think I already knew this, but it's been so fucking hard. I was her first boyfriend, and we spent over a year together. I'd never spent more than about 4-5 months with someone, and I genuinely planned on spending my life with her. I'm in the army, and it fucking ruined my mental wellness. Over the course of a year, I went from being happy-go-lucky to absolutely miserable. We started getting in arguments all the time. I tried to make it work, but my depression was killing me.
I broke up with her because I felt like I was hurting her, and I couldn't allow myself to do that to her anymore. After we broke up, my depression was compounded because I lost the only person I felt safe enough telling my issues to. She always hung around, acting as though we could get back together, but we never did. I'm not 100% yet, but I'm at an 80%, compared to a 30% when we broke up. I eventually moved on, but every time I went from thinking about her almost every 5 minutes, to maybe once an hour, she would call or message me, and the cycle would renew.
I was almost glad that she got engaged, because I realized what a child she was, in that moment. Maybe that sounds overly mean/narcissistic, but I couldn't handle the pain of not being with her anymore. This was really my "i don't give a fuck moment" with her.
I don't know what my point is. I needed to vent. I'm still not okay. I'm still extremely depressed. At least I feel like there's an end to this.
Well, it definitely sounds like you need to look after yourself (which is totally fair game), but it really doesn't sound like she's in a good place either. I think you could've probably handed that with more grace, with how you describe it, but I'm not in your shoes, and I don't wanna judge, since it sounds like a bad situation all around.
But tbh maybe you should reflect upon the fact that you felt you lost the only person you could confide in - because you broke up with her - but maybe she did the same? She hung around, and she calls you now. It does feel a bit callous to me.
It isn't your fault. You cannot control other people's actions.
You need to focus on self-care and not worry about her, she can handle her own choices.
I wouldn't even get caught up in it, it is her life. If she makes a mess of it that is on her, no one else.
Work on yourself. Sounds harsh, but stop trying to help her in order to fill that void. Work on helping yourself and doing things that make you feel better. If you continue to associate with her it will only cause you greater pain.
Sometimes it is for the best to completely cut off contact. Only certain types of people and situations can really do the whole "lets be friends" thing afterwards. Unhealthy relationships end in unhealthy friendships. Status changes don't change that.
Trust me on this one.
No you did the right thing. It isn't harsh, it is something that she has to come to terms with. These are choices she made and it isn't fair or right for her to drag you into them. She is an adult and doesn't have to be forced into anything, so she needs to make some better personal choices.
Just take care of yourself, nothing wrong with that. You owe it to yourself.
I hope things get better for you.
So a couple of months ago, i wrote in this topic about my breakup. All you guys (and gals) here helped me, and still help alot of people by just answering, to what sometimes can be seen as rambling.
For that, everyone here have my eternal gratitude.
In the beginning, i was crushed, and din't really know how things would turn out. We had plans to keep in touch, since we both still liked each other, just not in the "romantic" kind a way (Her view, not mine, it was her that broke it off after all)
But things are looking up. I'm still... sad that things aren't different then what they are, but there are no use in what ifs and could haves.
We spent last Saturday together, generally having a good time. We laughed, we joked, we talked a little bit about us, but nothing huge or mood ruining. We watched Endgame (Both HUGE marvel fans (OMG GO SEE IT)). I'm happy to have been a part of her life as a couple, i'm happy i'm still part of her life as a friend. And i'm genuinely optimistic about the future.
I still cry for what could have been, and i'm sure i will for a long time yet. But as one of my good female friends said to me "A hearth that's been broken, is a hearth that's been loved"
I feel for everyone that have been in a bad breakup or similar positions. But with everyone here, and hopefully friends and family, just someone, to talk to, i'm sure everything is going be fine.
This post is not aimed at anyone in particular, i just had a need to write it.
Now.. go watch Avengers.
Dunno if you guys are into these types of movies.
I suggest watching Peaceful Warrior - it is a decent movie (despite the ratings). It is one of them inspirational movies, but it tries to teaches you some things about life. Inner demons, egos, etc. Kinda put some stuff into perspective for me.
Do I have your blessings to ask this cute girl out at my local boba shop?
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