Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v11 - She's totally into you edition - General

I get the motivation to try out tinder now, but my advise is that you put it off. I downloaded it after my break up, and while it worked out in the end, I’m pretty sure it only had the effect of shitting on my self-esteem. Being straight out of a relationship is usually not when you’re at your most charming, and I don’t think tinder should be used too much when you’re probably not in your best mood anyway.

Entered a second conversation now. Tinder seems pretty wacky. And I have this scratch in my asshole that if I wanted - for some insane reason, or if I didn't have work at 8AM tomorrow, or if I had the energy for it - I could have just hooked up with this girl who basically asked what my plans were tonight. It's Sunday and she's got no alarm for tomorrow morning. Wtf.

One-night stands with strangers off Tinder baffle me - how are you guys not afraid of catching an STD?

Being a horny bastard can make you do strange things. Joke aside, some people just don't consider it a possibility. Y'know, a typical case of "nah, it's not going to happen to me."

Condoms?

That goes without saying, but a cut or sore mouth could hold risk of transfer, no? I guess it's safe enough with a few restrictions?

You mean non-genital blood exchange? I think there's a fairly low risk of that happening.

I mean most people don’t run around with syphilis, HIV and hepatitis. I have friends who have a lot of one night stands, and none of them have caught anything beyond chlamydia. Sure, that’s annoying, but it’s also treatable and poses no real risk to your health whatsoever. Just be a little selective with whom you hook up with maybe.

At this point, I'm just trying to be a savage. Don't give a shit anymore: going to focus on my friendships, work, school and hobbies. Not going to let anyone toy with my feelings, especially when I'm this young. I've spent so much time caring about what everyone thought about me. I just want to live life, get pussy, and challenge myself everyday. I don't want to settle down at all or get tangled with emotions at all.

I'm probably looking to vent my frustration, but would love some comments and advice on this entire thing. TL;DR: My GF loves me dearly and wants to be with me but fears that she is losing herself because in her view everything is always about me, wants to be herself, all in all not really being sure what she exactly wants. I am afraid my girlfriend is not thinking clearly due to MDMA abuse causing her psychological side effects, and while some concerns are valid, some concerns are so wild to me at the moment that I am starting to lose her, both understanding-wise and relationship-wise. I am sorry if the whole picture is confusing, but I am still in the middle of processing this entire ordeal. Nonetheless, I am willing to share my thoughts and ask for input/direction from you guys. If you need clarifications, feel free to ask. Lets begin with my relationship (as of this now its 2.5 years) being pretty much great. Me and my gf do have their ups and downs, but nonetheless we are quite happy with each other and love each other deeply. Being experienced with my previous failed relationship, I have put emphasis on communicating our thoughts and feelings since the very start, and have no secrets from one another, which in time my GF, firstly being confused and even questioning such openness and loss of privacy, but embraced it as it later helped with time and time again that knowing everything about each other is more beneficial, as long as we communicate our thoughts and talk things through. This year I have been conscripted into military service for 8 months. My GF was very smitten with the fact that I couldn't be around anymore for a couple of weeks, but she got used to it once I started getting vacations every week. Everything between us was as good as it was usually. However, last couple of weeks I have started getting hints that she is for some odd reason distancing herself from me. I knew the common cues since this has happened with me in similar circumstances in my previous relationship. On our text and phone convos she did mention that she had a lot of things she wanted to talk to me about, but we managed to do this in person only yesterday. I hope I am writing this correctly. All in all, while she is very happy being with me, so far as saying that she stresses the fact that she believes we are a perfect match between each other. BIG BUT: she feels like something is wrong. While she wouldn't lie to me and say that she loves me and wants to be with me, considering our personalities, she feels like she is always my shadow rather than a person beside me. While she doesn't blame me because, as she said, that's the way she was very comfortable choosing me for and it's just the way I am, she is very saddened and concerned that she has lost will to do anything else for herself, as in, according to her, everything we do together is because I lead and I am the one who plans everything. From her perspective, we never do anything that she wants to do because all she wants to do when we're together is whatever I feel doing like. Typical questioning her "What do you wanna do?" "I dont care, I'm happy with whatever you want!", sort of thing. And yesterday we had a very long talk about the fact that, while she feels deep connection for me, her growth as a person halted and it haunts her. She wants to start doing something for herself, but she can't because she always feels the need to be with me. This is why she is trying, while both wanting and not wanting, to distance herself from me a bit. I did say to her that no matter what she thinks I am always glad to support her plans and ideas and be there for her, but she feels that is not enough. Later she also said that she had discussed some stuff with her friend and started thinking about whether being so early in very serious committed relationship is a good thing at all, and considers possibility of, as I understood, "checking all available possibilities". She has said numerous times that she considers me a match made in heaven for her, since nobody might empower her and make her feel confident and secure that I do, she adores my personality because it's very different, at times polar opposites to her, yet she considers the fact that she might, later down in the line, regret not "going around" in maybe her 30's, 40s. At that, I said that why would you fix something thats not broken and I want to be with her and only her, because our relationship has been a wild ride in terms of events and I feel incredibly confident that she is the person I want to be with for a long time, she said that I am very arrogant and only look out for my ego. At this point, she said that if we're "destined to be together, that our love is pure", then sooner or later we might hook back up and be together. Uh what? All in all, I'm not really sure what is exactly going on in her head. She wants to be with me, but not be with me? In the end, she says she wants some sort of a pause in our relationship (which she has claimed a lot of times in the past that it pretty much the beginning of an end of any relationship) to get her thoughts together. I'm not really sure what changed because today morning she acted like nothing really happened, improved even, although she did claim that taking that off her chest made her feel a lot better and that she wanted to say something like this a long time ago yet couldn't put her finger around it. I have no fucking idea what is going on anymore. I do remember most of her concerns and will try to improve myself in our relationship to address them and make her feel better, but some things she said, like that she might consider a possibility to pause our relationship so that she might "experience her youth", i find it very hard right now to even, at times, think that we had any relationship at all. This just hurts all over and, while she stressed that it's not my fault and it's her fault, saying that I only look after my emotions when I said that I want nothing changed in my life and that I am very egoistical about it when I said I wanted to be with her only...... I don't fucking know. What I am really concerned is the fact that she is incredibly confused with her brain due to MDMA abuse. We were introduced to MDMA this summer and do it in fair doses (up to 200-250mg a sess) in total on a biweekly basis (except for like a month or two). Googling up the MDMA withdrawal/psychological/neurotoxicity effects, she shows a lot of symptoms that depict the fact she crossed the line a bit. Such symptoms include incredible mood swings, very minor insomnia, excessive loss of appetite, psychosis and confusion, depressive thoughts (I guess the clusterfuck above is a good indicator?). I showed it to her, she agreed that she might suffer from minor withdrawal symptoms and now MDMA is out of the equation for indefinite amount of time. However, I am very concerned that she is not thinking clearly at all and hastens with her conclusions very much in advance due to the psychological side effects of MDMA abuse. I am not really sure what I am looking for writing this out here. Perhaps an advice? Perhaps I just wanted to write this somewhere that I could take this off my chest? I'm not really sure what to salvage from this, as everything is quite fresh. Looking for a fresh perspective. If you got until the end, thank you for listening...

This is obviously just my hot take on this, but I don't really get how a person tells you that you are their 'match made in heaven' and then proceeds to suggest a break-up so they could go around screwing other people. I sense a tinge of dishonesty in her words and a truckload of commitment issues. A pause is most likely going to be a long-term break-up: typically, you are expected to solve problems together instead of whatever the fuck she just described. "Going around"? Fucking seriously? How is getting back together in a few years going to fix the problems your relationship has right now? Why not seriously work on the issue and see what can be done?

Goes without saying but for starters, drop the drugs. Secondly, it doesn't sound like she knows what she's actually talking about or she's just incredibly confused and doesn't know how to solve or fix whatever it is she's really feeling. Out of curiosity, does she often have mood swings? Does it get worse/more intense during her period?

I mean I can't say "live life" "get pussy" or "challenge myself everyday" aren't noble goals, but it seems like you're framing this in a pretty negative way. Whose thoughts have you cared too much about? How has it limited you? And what are your plans beyond moving out?

She does seem to exhibit a lot of pre-break-up clichés. Just past two years in the relationship, issues triggered by long distance, "I want to enjoy my youth", "I need a break from the relationship", "It's not you it's me", then proceeding to accuse you of being egotistical because you're not enthusiastic at the idea of opening the relationship. She probably just wants to shop around and keep you as a safety, if you ask me. Please excuse the cynicism, but from experience if you're not really willing to go non-exclusive I'd advise bailing sooner rather than later. If she doesn't get her way now she will eventually.

Her mood swings pretty much started the week before. Before she didnt have that. I fully agree that its pretty much a given that the relationship is compeomised, but I just wanted to confirm my suspicions. I will try to talk to her later when her side effects subsided but if I keep hearing that then its done, I guess.

I wrote a pretty long reply to you, but I had unplugged my phone from my computer so there was no connection, then I came back to my computer without realizing there was no connection, finished my post and pressed Reply. Then it was all gone when I went back. Fuck. Anyways, the point was that, if you want to entertain the chances to be with her for life, then there are some ways you can play it. Anyone feel free to correct me or disagree with me as I barely know what the fuck I'm doing in my life and with girls. I think your best move is to move on like as if you guys are done for good. You can tell her that (clearly) you want to be with her, but because of all the instability/uncertainty you can't do it, and taking a break is "probably" the best idea. Don't blame it all on her though, don't blame her at all necessarily, like she wouldn't blame you, even though it's kind of bullshit. You have to make her kind of blame herself, and realize what's important in life, if she can realize that. I've felt similarly to your girl. Sometimes I felt like I wanted more than my girlfriend (broke up very recently too), and now I want nothing more than her. But I'm not sure if I should trust that feeling, I don't even know. Spending your life with someone is a big fucking deal, and it doesn't come off as easy for everyone. There are hardships and sometimes you have to build your feelings and the relationship. Sometimes people develop feelings faster, sometimes slower. And then there are matches mandated by the Heavens.

I had really toxic friends who berated me often and were much more concerned with their perception in the group rather than our personal relationships. My best friends were people I changed myself to be around. For the first time since getting out of high school and being in community college I've had the opportunity to control who I talk to and how people perceive me (if that make senses); I felt like I wasn't in control of that before. And I was able to be myself for once. I'm a bit optimistically nihilist now... which is an upgrade from being resentful. A primary goal of mine now is to push myself beyond my boundaries. I think I was in a pursuit of comfort rather than actually trying to push myself. I've always had some sort of image of the "ideal me," but meanwhile I thought it was impossible to achieve. I guess that perception changed and I'm much more motivated to see how hard I can push myself rather than status I can achieve. At least right now (and it will probably change), I see dating as a bit of a waste of time and money. It doesn't really interest me and I feel like it will be a bit hard to find a girl that can allow us align together. I've known my weaknesses in terms of changing my personality and priorities to fit someone else's needs, and I'd really like to avoid that at all costs. I'm planning on joining the military after I get my bachelors in computer science: probably OCS.

Okay, I managed to get her to talk after work and try her to explain the issues with our relationship. I will confess, it turns out I was thoroughly confused about all this, but her main issue at the moment is that she feels like without me she is absolutely pathetic and nothing. She has no hobbies, pretty much no friends (she only has 4, out of which 1 is a guy she met recently, 1 is a girl that lives far away and they p much text only, the other two are in the local area but they meet VERY rarely) except for me and my social circle, and she feels that it's having its toll on her. I have read about this and found out that this is called "smothering" in a relationship. While I was away in the military and couldn't come back home, she constantly thought of me and cried in bed feeling miserable. It is fairly understandable, before military, in our 2,5 years of relationship, there have been literally 3 days when we haven't met at all. She says that she definitely loves me very much and wants to be with me, but she is afraid that her love is too blinding and therefore she wants to understand how to become less insecure about herself and become more of a whole person and find her own identity by doing things she might love. She wants to stop being with me because she feels like she's obliged, not because she wants to be with me. Case in point: there was a moment in our relationship when she got quite ill and should've stayed home, but she neglected that and said "oh no worries honey it's not far and we're gonna sit whole day home anyway :P". She wants that kind of destructive behaviour in my name to stop. I totally understand where she is coming from and agree that its unhealthy. I managed to understand that I also forgot how to have time for myself without her. It doesn't also help with the fact that I also feel MDMA side-effects: yesterday started understanding that I have extreme mood swings, I couldn't for the life of me remember what I did on Sunday and my gums started feeling itchy. It's like very very light MDMA experience. At this point I agreed to give her some space to let her try to understand how she feels, so she will be the one initiating meetups or chats (at this moment she told me not to push her hard and let her contact me by herself, whenever she feels like it), and while we are in a relationship, we should focus on having a good time together rather than being with each other only for the sake of being with each other. Thoughts?

Please take what I say with a huge grain of salt, considering that you have had more than 2 years of experience with this person, but... Not only does she want space, but she has also openly admitted to wanting to 'go around' with other people. She might cave in and break the honesty of your relationship. Next time you talk about this face-to-face, you have to put your emotions aside and try to evaluate this entire situation as coldly and objectively as possible. Read her body language, mannerisms and face when you talk about how committed she is.

People can be so confusing sometimes but then I think about how I flip on people all the time and that I'm a people too and I understand a bit more. This is some entry level shit but just remembering that everyone is on the level of complexity of character as myself is great. Big problem for people with egos like me lol Also getting to hang out with my mates consistently has been a godsend holy shit just put yourself into social situations with a single lifeline and sink or swim it's like a high when you get that social interaction right and maybe even flirt or something fuck. this is all confused positivity but last time I was here I was an abject asshole so I just wanted to toss some positive energy out here

I misunderstood her back then. What she meant by that is to realize that our lives do not end on each other, seeing as we must be first and foremost concentrate on our own happiness instead of going out of our ways and regards just to make the other person happy, and, should we come to conclusion that our relationship might end, move on instead of dwell on our relationship and think that we will never find anyone better than eachother. I am still at the stage of trying to understand if that is a good or a bad thing, but I never thought about it before. She was horrified of trying to talk to me about all this since she was 90% sure I would just dump her on the spot instead of trying to commit to improve on our relationship and try to make each other happy, by admitting to ourselves that we truly love each other and want to be with each other because we love one another for what we are, not because we are afraid of losing each other. Again, I have very mixed signals about this so I was hoping I would get some comments about this whole thing. I know that I love her because she is the way she is, but I start feeling that I am also a victim of this....

on a more negative note... I would be very careful here my man, "she will be the one initiating meetups or chats (at this moment she told me not to push her hard and let her contact me by herself, whenever she feels like it)" is like... a massive red flag. I got similar right before my last gf left me and one of my closest friends did this to her last partner so I got a very specific knowledge of both sides of this. Usually it's a case of self doubt and confusion and even if there's moral issues they'll probably either go on a break and return having not done anything with anyone else, or be gone for good. Essentially they're in a confused state and they're trying to "figure it out" and see you more of an obligation than anything else that's a barrier to this idea. Sorry for the extreme negativity but I wish someone talked to both me and my friend's ex like this to prepare them for the worst case. This could also all blow over and be totally fine too! but it's better to be prepared honestly

As usual, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. I already had my doubts and almost came to conclusion that this is over, going as far as drowning my sorrows and telling her that its over. I was thinking she would just tell me to go fuck myself but she on the contrary reassured me that this is not even close to being concluded and that this is probably a temporary issue that we should face, discuss and conclude on together. Its that she wants some time with her self on the matter, and also let her and mine mdma side effects to subside because, to be honest, its pretty evident that we both abused it too much and now due to mood swings and paranoia we both jump to conclusions rather fast. I agree that, as it was evident by my very erratic behaviour and well being yesterday, I have also fallen victim for this. I already get severe flashbacks from my previous relationship, but this time I see that the other party is at least willing to accept that instead of dropping here and now, we should try our bests to fight for it.

I wish my girlfriend actually cared about me as much as I care about and want to be with her

A one-way relationship like that is such a horrible goddamn thing. You should bring this up and have a serious talk about why you're the only one feeling unconditional love. There's no point continuing an unbalanced relationship like this.

Are you sure she doesn't care about you? Are you sure you are not just feeling insecure or sth? I mean, don't do that to yourself. Have you talked to her? How long have you been together? How has the relationship and time with her been? Nobody deserves what you're saying. Sad to hear that. How can she even be your girlfriend if she only cares or gives a shit about you when it's "convenient" - convenient how even?

I don't understand what this girl sees in me. I'm a worthless piece of shit, no job, no belongings, narcotics/alchoholism, depression and suicidalism, aspergers and ocd, and a shitty person. She's been into me since college and now she wishes to celebrate Christmas with me and stay over. Don't even know if I love her, never had feelings before, but I do feel something different in her than others, she's interresting while others feel like a void. I'm in a serious deep shitty state in my life right now, and still I crave that we meet, but I don't want her to see how much of a wreck I am. Do I take the step of courage or do I push her away and maybe send her the wrong message? My life is already isolated and this makes me want to dig myself deeper into it.

This happened to me too a few times, writing about some bullshit then snipping it. But you know, whatever it was, you still came forward and said it, even though I have no idea wtf it was, but hope it helped ya.

Yo guys! I really need some advice. So, there's this girl I like. We've known each other for a long time since we both went to elementary school and high school together. She was in a relationship for about 2 years with a guy that dumped her for another girl. Anyway, we have hung out a bit during the summer break and this was actually the first time I invited a girl to my place so I was nervous, but it went well each time so I guess this was a good start. Fast forward to the beginning of the school year, we're both starting college, but at different schools so we wouldn't see each other often. However, we did see each other two times: one time was to go see a comedy show and the other time was for my birthday (first I invited a girl for my birthday :3). After that, we haven't seen each other at all. Now, during the 2 months period we haven't seen each other, I tried texting as much as possible, but there were some times I didn't text her for a week or two. I have some difficulty with talking to people, especially over text, due to a problem I have (I'm not too comfortable talking about it here) and with all the work I had to do for college, I would forget about her. Now, I just finished my session and since it is the winter break, I texted her to ask if she was ding anything during the winter break. I haven't got an answer yet, but that's fine. Now, I need your opinion on this question I've been asking myself for a while moment now. Due to the fact that we're going to different colleges and that communication between us as been scarce (and I've been the one who initiated the conversation nearly every time), do you think that I might have lost my chance?

I generally dislike short answers, but: Yes. Buuuuuut if you "forgot" about her due to college work, were you really even that interested in her? Just because a girl is nice to you and shows up at your birthday doesn't mean you have to get in a relationship with her. You don't always "lose" chances, sometimes it wasn't there to begin with. Anyway, sounds to me like you should look closer to home - you're at college, there should be enough people around. Hanging (romantically) onto someone that doesn't seem super interested and is also at a different college sounds like a waste of time to me.