Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v11 - She's totally into you edition - General

i might delete this soon because i don't like posting about it. i've been doing some snooping because i just realized a lot of things, my childhood best friend started talking to this person online maybe a decade ago, while we were both elementary/middle school. i guess they started talking more while my friend was in middle school, but i looked and she is a bit older than i remembered. like she would have been maybe 16 while my friend was 12. their ages at the moment are 21 and 25. this is where i might start sounding like an asshole so please tell me if it's just inappropriate/wrong but there's been a lot of mirroring between them. she became furry so my friend became furry and i didn't think too much about it, but then she talked about being trans and growing her hair out, and my friend started growing their hair out and talking about being trans. i know it's not really a choice, i know my friend is valid in feeling these things, i support all of it, but i'm having a lot of trouble digesting the ages involved and whether or not she had a lot of influence over my friend while they were so young and what that could have meant. they'd been talking somewhat extensively over the years, i think my friend started talking to her more than me after a certain point in high school and we'd been talking throughout most of the day up til then

She had popped up to me again now which seems to be a good sign. She looks to be alright about everything which I'm happy about, all I can hope for now is that things get better from here

The whole ProJared drama is really getting my pessimism about relationships to flare up. "Everyone's a piece of shit, but they're still doing better than me so what am I? Why even bother" etc. I know that's wrong and a bad mentality but if understanding that was enough I wouldn't be sittin' here discussin' it with ye, now would I?

It's not really drama. They're getting a divorce. They tried therapy and now they've made the adult decision to end it, sometimes things just don't work.

You don't think his wife slandering him on twitter, and people posting his lewd photos isn't drama?

Don't do shitty things then. While I don't think people need to throw their shit out in public, but I don't think she has any obligation to lie for him. If someone asks her and she tells the truth, then it is what it is.

Didn't know about that stuff, only knew about the statement he posted

It's only slander if it's untrue

Poor choice of word, fixed

People always say that you should listen more than you talk on a first date. Just pray both people aren't following that advice.

Had a (first) relationship for 2.5 years, went on for way too long, broke up in September. After that I thought about what the ideal personality would be for me. I started seeing this girl last Sunday, and it just turns out that she seems to tick off more and more of the desirable traits I was looking for (extrovert, undramatic, fun, smart etc.). It's moving fast and I do not mind at all, never synced with another person so smoothly before. Only problem is that we don't speak the exact same language, so sometimes I don't understand what she's saying but I think I'll pick it up fast. Have a great weekend y'all, peace and love.

I've literally never heard anyone say that, seems stupid for exactly the reason mentionned.

How do you address grievances when the other person has a tendency to drop out at the first sign of conflict? I went to a concert with my Ex. She had 4 tickets, invited me, another guy, and offered one to the other guy to bring a date. He didn't, so it was just him, me and her. I've never felt like more of a third wheel in my life. The guy was a jackass, literally only addressed me directly three times: once to say hello when we met, once to ask me my major, and once to ask me which street I lived on as he was driving my ex and I back to my car. The entire night was just them flirting while I sat there and watched. In my Ex's defense, she did make a few comments directed at me, but only when she wasn't talking to other guy. When we got back to my house I said that I had felt like a third wheel, and she promptly left, saying she had to go to work (approx. 2 hours before she typically goes to work). We texted a little bit after she left, which tells me she 100% wasn't at work, because she never texts while she's there. Basically she just told me that it was all in my head, threw the "well I'm sorry you felt that way" shit at me, and keeps telling me me that "she doesn't want negative emotions associated with that night". Basically the discussion died at the end of the first night. I feel like I need to respect myself enough to get a straight explanation, but I 100% know that if I push the issue at all, she'll just go to ground and stop reading my messages, maybe for good. When we were dating she'd go incommunicado for like two weeks at a time, and it drove me crazy. She's got plenty of friends, and I feel like she wouldn't have a problem dropping me and hanging out with other people instead. Basically the question is: do I try and get an answer, or just suck it up and put it behind me? And if I do try and get an explanation, how the hell do I do it without her just dropping me out of her life?

Why exactly do you really need her in your life? She seems toxic, so why bother? Tell her that you care about this whole ordeal and also deserve an honest answer out of respect. If she ghosts you for good after you've clearly shown that this is important to you, good riddance.

Staying friends with an ex rarely works out and from what you describe she is no exception to the rule.

If it didn't work out as bf/gf then don't expect it to workout as friends. I highly suggest put it behind you, and move on. Find a new friend.

I mean, I feel like I feel like my use of the term 'ex' might have been misleading. We dated for two months, over a year ago and never even kissed. I found out last week that she had fucked another one of her guy friends when she went on a vacation to visit him, and that threw me off like crazy. Basically questioning what kind of person I was that nothing happened with us while we were dating, but she would just have a one night stand with this other guy. We've been really good friends since we broke up (barring a couple months of no-contact I took post-breakup to make sure feelings were dead), and I've never had issues with jealousy until now. I keep flipping between being mad at her for making me a third wheel, and being mad at myself for being jealous about the potential relationships of someone who really ought to be more of a friend than an ex. I have stopped talking to her for now though.

You need to come to the realization your relationship was short and was over a year ago. You also need to come to terms that you don't owe her anything and she doesn't owe you anything. If she isn't seeing your or anyone she is free to have casual sex with whomever she wants. Not to sound blunt, but it seems like you are more upset about the fact you guys dated for two months and didn't get remotely sexual out of it. That isn't exactly healthy. Sounds like you are not exactly over her and seeing her with other people is only going to continue to make you upset. She is free to do what she wants, just like you are as well. Maybe you should start seeking out other people and not worry so much what she is doing or who she is doing. It isn't good for you.

Also, regarding the "jackass" guy that you said only addressed you three times, did you address him at all? Ask him anything? I mean, if he doesn't know you and doesn't want to know you, it's not like he has to socialize with you, even if it's not the most polite thing to do.

And hopefully for ever.

Yeah, I suppose I was pretty withdrawn. If it didn't cause the situation, it definitely aggravated it. As far as the jealousy angle, it makes a lot of sense. I think I need to take a sec and kill the feelings again. I hope I didn't kill the friendship, because I do really like having her as a friend, though I also hope that's not because I've still not really gotten over her. Basically, the question now is how to proceed. I should apologize for the jealous behavior, I think, and explain that I'm probably gonna need a couple of weeks to get rid of the affection that's been developing towards her. Unless that's going to come across as weird, and I should just avoid addressing it. We had been planning on going to a couple of concerts together this summer, but maybe I want to use those opportunities to meet other people. It I'm honest though, that last conclusion is probably coming from a place that's looking to punish her somehow for not liking me, so I should probably proceed with those as plans if she still wants to.

You need to do what you feel is right for your friendship and most importantly for yourself. If it was me, if she recognized the behavior and started avoiding me I would apologize to her. Take the time to realize it is friends and nothing more. IF things are good go to the concerns with the ideal to enjoy music and meet new people. That is just me though.

Go with but don't hang out around her. Use the time on your own to have fun and just meet back up when it is time to go, assuming it is only a one night event and not a weekend long thing. You didn't mention it in this post, but it is vitally important to realize that no one owes you any explanation for their behavior. Sure, it might be nice to hear, but if she's done with it and you keep pestering her it is a quick way to go from being annoyed to being treated like a stalker and maybe event developing some very bad tendencies. Just use your own reflections of what went wrong and improve on your own, you don't need to hear someone else tell you what you can use your own intuition to discover.

You need to do what feels especially important and right for yourself, and forget about her. At least now! I have to ask you, do you guys hang out? Or how often do you hang out and communicate? Has she liked you as a friend, and has she clearly shown appreciation for your friendship? Does she ever contact you on her own initiative, and if yes - what's the message? The reason I'm asking (and I don't want you to answer specifically, but to think about the answers) is because I don't want you to just ditch out a friend because I said you should, but it does seem like it's not a healthy friendship (at least not for YOU) and you've spent a long time just sort of sticking around her, and not sticking around for yourself! You two dated for two months. She's not your ex, and you never fucked her. Sorry but this has to be said. It was a year ago. Cut contact completely, I say.

Mate, you cheated with her. That's a shit thing, regardless of what the boyfriend has done.

Ah I was really confused for a bit trying to link the previous posts together, thanks for clarifying.

After the advice from you guys I really concentrated on myself, mentally and completely freed me of expectations. I told myself that I will not get into anything soon. During the weekend I met the most amazing woman, we both know it's temporary and we are setting for the last 3 days holy fuck life is good.

Last weekend I bailed out of a social situation. I went to a club with a really good friend and we met up with a bunch of her school friends. I arrived effectively sober (super nachos WILL negate three drinks) and they're all dancing. I got a drink to hold and pretended to be into it for like an hour but I secretly loathe dancing, I can't do anything more than nod my head and tap my foot without outright faking it. I was getting pretty uncomfortable. After going to the bathroom unnecessarily to escape... then stepping outside for a break to escape... my brain just kind of went into survival mode and I told my friend I was having a bad time and that I'm going to leave. She seemed to feel kind of bad and caught off guard, but understood. I felt lame but wasn't worried about leaving her there, since she was having a blast and was surrounded by friends. We discussed it a little through text afterwards, and hung out like nonstop the next two days with no hard feelings so no damage done I believe. Anyway I've been been to clubs before and typically grow some level of uncomfortable/weary—not always, as I've had a couple great experiences as well. But this is the first time I've been this honest with myself and just ejected myself from a situation. I guess I don't really need any advice but just wanted to reflect. Also, it sounds like a no-brainer but I just wanted to say this: take care of yourself—you're the only person working for you.

Wowie bizowie a friend of mine might come to my apartment and watch a movie at my place, on my bed. it is likely nothing will actually happen at all because she's two weeks broken up with a boyfriend of 5 years that she was actually engaged to, holy shit. That's way too soon for any sort of relationship but hey I have a pretty girl coming to my apartment, I guess this is a post for posterity.

According to every girl I ever talked to, "watching a movie" is always code for wanting to fuck, even if you explicitly talk about just watching a movie and not fucking beforehand.