Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v11 - She's totally into you edition - General

The mentality nobody owes me anything is key tbh. I'm glad you actually brought that up. A lot of dudes get jaded because they think just because they say hi to someone that means the other person has to talk.

Been hanging out with a girl from my roommate's friend group. I've known her for two years so we get along well. Since we have known each other for a while I felt we were dating just as friends. But after Saturday we got way more touchy, briefly kissed and next time she agreed to stay over at my place. We were drinking that night, so it could be the alcohol speaking. I hope not.

I think unless you got a text the morning after telling you she made a mistake, I think you're good. Unless you were outright blackout drunk.

Nervous about my 2nd date coming up soon with my coworker. I'm worried things are not really going to go anywhere and ill be a boring mess..

Disabled how? Your phone got bombed with messages by who - not just the girl? I think you may have been rough with your words to her, assuming your post reflects real-life events accurately.

So, I think in the first time of my life I had an actually conclusive break-up that does not involve massive drama or flaming trainwrecks. After a week when she confessed that she was not emotionally invested into me anymore, we had a real talk during the evening with the aim to further discuss how it all came to be. The dialogue was very insightful and reasonable. We both had some issues that we kind of were afraid to deal with, so we distanced ourselves in a way. A lot of my suspicions became clearer and we both were very transparent about it. I initially did not even feel anger towards her nor felt I utterly betrayed in a sense because she was rather upfront about it. Although few hours before our talk I was cleaning the house where I found a sort of paper on the ground, I dismissed it as garbage but realized it had something written down. It was a sort of love letter clearly addressed to someone in a very amorous way. It hurt so much to read it, it filled me with pain and anger. Still during the discussion I was pretty composed but mentioned the letter and she was utterly ashamed of it because she actually wrote it to him... The way she used the words really hurt me. Anyway we continued on and agreed that it was overall a great experience and we will not part with grudges. We acknowledged that it is impossible to have a "friend" relationship of any sorts but we concluded everything with our dignity in tact and in the most respectful way. The entire time I was struggling with my tears, the entire week before I just felt numb. But this conversation really made me realize how much I loved her, the entire mental barrier was lifted and my mind was flooded with sorrow, anger and disappointment. We hugged each other and she left some warming words for me that I was a good guy and that I should not be so paranoid about myself. The started with the whole "you're to much of a good guy, I cannot be with you knowing what I did". I did not feel like it was patronizing towards me. Anyway, afterwards we kind of starred into the abyss reminiscing about some of our cool adventures while smoking a couple of joints. It was so tough at that moment that I could not focus, I said that I was leaving to get some fresh air. Usually, I have severe anger issues and I took my wooden stick with me in order to trash some garbage bins in some desolated place. Upon arriving though, my entire anger and frustration vaporized. There was just a genuine feeling of sorrow and hurt that I have never experienced before in that way. Usually, I'm very much doubting my judgement and myself in such situations, where sadness is often imbued with frustration towards myself. In this case though, it was just sadness. I kind of cried by myself for half an hour on the floor. Then went back home. Now she is moving out very soon and despite having empathy in some sort for her, I cannot stand looking at her and I feel very vulnerable when she is around. Also, I know she writes to the guy (who is also married, fucking great) and smiles the way she used for me. Combined with that letter that she actually wrote for him, it really destroys me. I guess it's normal to feel anger but I just want her gone asap. It hurts just so much right now.

I am extremely surprised you managed to keep your sanity in check at that point. I would have lost my shit completely tbh. Finding out about being emotionally cheated on should never be mediated through garbage left on the floor. I hope it's getting better for you.

Well, she started a new job at a prestigious restaurant and there are tons of dudes there who are actually pretty cool and funny. I met most of them and I knew somehow that this would probably lead to some issues in the future. She works a lot and if you spend most of your time with a few guys at work in a dynamic work environment, it is rather easy to feel attracted just out of proximity. I'm not entirely sure what the deal between them is now nor do I care at this point. He is a married man though and we actually went out a few times, he seemed like a cool dude. Worst is that my gf is a hyper social person and everybody instantly likes her, it's an easy girl to fall in love to. I'm just reflecting now if I should have been harsher, in the past my good will was exploited to some degree and in the end I got ripped off. This all felt pretty genuine though. That letter still lingers on my mind and causes pain. Initially I thought he had written it for her but then after mentioning it to her, she apologized sincerely and felt utterly ashamed. So she actually wrote it and that made me so fucking mad. I know it might sound cheesy and considering that I shoddely translated it from italian but it said the following thing: "You are making my days so bright, I miss you every moment where you are not close to me. I am not sure how I am supposed to do without you tomorrow. I love you, you're my fantasy" Now this might sound really cringy but oh man, reading this just makes me want to combust. Furthermore, it kind of implies that there have been some intimacy perhaps and that she was lying to me. I know there is not much use to talk about this at this point because things are done now. Still, I just can't avoid the feeling that I am the massive idiot in this scenario. Furthermore, she told me that she harbored those feelings for quite some time but during that time she was also very affectionate towards me at times and we had some pretty bonding sexual experiences. I'm just really irritated but that sums up her character, she was chaotic and changed her mind often. Also, it's also quite apparent perhaps that things were not that great in the end if I cannot even recognize her handwriting haha. She moved out today and now I really feel weirded out.

That's harsh. Best of luck to you, my good man. Also, it isn't cringy at all - or I don't take you as cringy for sure. Love can be cringy, and painful, and it's the way it is. Good job on you for taking the breakup very calmly (at least on the outside!), however I would suggest NOT thinking about what could have been, i.e. your thoughts about her unstable/uncertain behavior when you were still together, that made you question her sincerity and so on - thinking about that shit isn't going to help you or make your thoughts any clearer and happier exactly, right? I must say that she approaching and chasing a married man is.. well.. her problem. Certainly do not trouble your own thoughts with her problems, and I'm suspecting she will drive herself into some trouble with that, but of course we still wish the best of luck to her too, because it's common courtesy and good principle. You seem to have everything more or less under control, like your feelings, but as always, focus on yourself, have fun, hang out with friends and forget about her (where you can, anyway)

Thanks, I genuinely appreciate the sentiments. I have to admit that I feel much more stable than during previous experiences but yeah. Our relationship lasted only 2 years but they were filled with intense emotions and connections, something I have never experienced before. It just saddens me that it ended up in such a way. Yeah, the is absolutely heading into a trainwreck, she already came home yesterday crying and being totally angry. She is a mess but in the past I would make them my own issues out of some skewed sense of loyality, now I just leaves me cold.

I just want to say, you're not at fault here. Sounds like even she doesn't exactly know the deal with her own mind, apparently Distance yourself and let yourself heal. You're already handling it pretty good

That is also what she pretty much told me, she said that she was overwhelmed and that her life is in shambles. She does not know what is happening and that such a thing never happened before to her. Needless to say, taking distance is the best thing.

TBH I'm starting to get the feeling that all breakups follow more or less the same pattern and go down rather similarly.

Could you elaborate on that?

Well from what I've seen at least when it's the girl that breaks things off it's rarely mainly because of falling out of love with her boyfriend and more because she starts getting feelings/sexual attraction for (an)other guy(s). As far as FP's typical age bracket is concerned, I rarely see people say that they started losing intimacy with their girlfriend prior to the breakup itself. It seems more like it's borne out of a fear of missing out than from being dissatisfied by the current relationship. Anecdotal, but for instance one of my exes tried getting back with me after having a few one night stands and FWBs. It seems to me like our cultural commitment to monogamous, exclusive relationships leads to undue tensions within the couple because of how restrictive they are. I'd be willing to bet more couples would remain together and have a healthy relationship if breaking up wasn't strictly necessary to do stuff outside of it without breaking the other's trust.

That's quite an assumption, in hindsight though I noticed that our relationship was getting a bit stale and less intimate. It also contributed to her feelings of not wanting to be in the relationship. I dismissed it as a phase or temporary stress due to the large amount of work she has. Furthermore she owns a bar that needs to be sold in italy from her parents who died 4 years ago. I mean this is all pretty stressful for a person. Interpreting in with the lense of monogamy seems a bit excessive. Perhaps you're right. We had an absolutely amazing time together but it was also challenging. She came as an immigrant here and the entire ordeal really forged us together. Just at the end, she got really weird but like I mentioned, it could easily be attributed to tons of stress and other stuff. The real issue is that we both did not address it and let it float until the end where somebody had to take the initiative, I guess dating another guy makes it easier as well. I'm not really good in opening up to a person and often I was intimidated by her character. I honestly would say that "fear of missing out" is not the right context but it certainly exists. We also shared different opinions on having kids, that might also factor into her equation as well. I like monogamy and for most part of our relationship, we shared tons of secrets and desires. There was no real need for a tension in that sense, we were considering having threesomes and the like. That certainly proves that we had quite an affinity for each other and respected each other. It's still a good point you make though.

A relationship is a commitment to another person. If you can't fully commit to them, don't jump in a relationship. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't have an exclusive romance with somebody and then try to get down with someone else

Not sure how that's in contradiction with my point but yeah.

You made the assumption that most women are dishonest and wouldn't tell their partner right away if they felt the way you described (as if they were missing out). Most people in serious and healthy monogamous relationships would tell their SO right away if they felt like pursuing attraction to other people.

Uh, no. No idea how you could read my post that way.

We all read it wrong then.

What I said was simply that most of the time the cause of a breakup seem to stem more from feelings developing for another than from love for the partner falling out on its own. I didn't say that the person in question would hide it from their partner in either case. Even if you're being completely honest with your partner, it doesn't stop you from developing feelings for another person. Telling your partner about it doesn't change that.

How do you develop feelings for other people without being well on your way out of a relationship, or at least telling your partner that it is essentially over? There's a world of difference between realizing other people are attractive and wanting to act upon those feelings (at that point is emotional cheating), so it's important that you clarify what you meant. Guys do the prior as much as girls do, for sure.

OK, I see what you mean now. Maybe the correct wording would be "believing you develop feelings", as in the person in question may confuse infatuation with feelings. Hence why it might be followed by disillusion following the breakup. I don't think there's necessarily a difference between men and women in that regard, it's just that in this thread most people who recount breakups had girlfriends, so I don't have a global vision on how it occurs on the other side.

Allowing these feelings to develop in the first place is an obvious sign that the relationship has failed. If your partner is not interesting to you anymore, you break up before the possibility of this could occur. You simply cannot get to that point if you are completely honest with your partner and yourself regarding the commitment of your relationship.

Phone won't delete this quote ignore this I don't really agree with this. It is possible to develop feelings for someone while still being interested and committed to another/current partner. It doesn't mean you don't find your partner interesting anymore necessarily, just that you're feeling things for someone else too. It takes some serious digging as to how to proceed (stop interacting with this new person? Tell your partner? Leave your partner? Say nothing and hope it goes away?). Many take the path of abandoning their current relationship for the new one because of the allure of something novel. It can be a hard thing to talk about, and we all have it beaten into our brains that communication is key. Trying to control your partner and limit their exposure to potential "threats" doesn't work and will just destroy the relationship or make everyone miserable, paranoid. All anyone can do is be themselves and hope that if the situation occurs, it can be worked out and continue on. If not, just gotta move on, no matter how hard it is.

One could postulate that it is "easier" to break up with a person if you already have a new target. Prevents you from suffering from isolation or having to confront your own issues in a sense. That would make sense.

Of course it's possible, but at that point you should consider poly-amorous relationships. You need to develop self-defense mechanisms that would help prevent new intimate attachments from forming. If you can't do this, a long-term commitment is essentially doomed to fail. This is obviously just my opinion, but I have no business being irresponsible with my emotions if I want to spend the rest of my life with another person.

There's a difference between developing feelings for someone and acting on it versus taking action to nip it in the bud and prioritizing your current relationship. That doesn't mean that you're polyamorous, it just means you're a human. I'll admit that I'm probably more open and communicate heavily with my partners about these things than the average person, so I'm probably not the norm. I do however think it's normal for crushes to develop, it's just a matter of focus, focusing on your current relationship and understanding that things aren't always greener on the other side. IMO love and commitment is largely about control, although most won't admit it. I try to love my partners as unconditionally as I can and if my girlfriend fell out of love for me, it'd suck big time and I'd be sad, but I'd encourage them to be happy, which has happened to me before after a several years relationship. As long as they haven't reckless or hurtful, it is what it is. I only want to be with someone that wants to be with me, as soon as they don't, I don't either and there's usually nothing anyone can do once it's gone.