Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v11 - She's totally into you edition - General

Just a short one. How do I stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and getting attached so easily? I can go on one date with someone and be infatuated just like that which ends up setting me up for heartbreak later down the line if they're not interested.

So I've got a question too, I matched with this girl on Tinder right before the end of the semester at school. We tried to work out a time to meet up but we were both super swamped with finals so it didn't work out. We've been snapchatting for the past 20 days (according to our streak) and we've agreed to get a nice dinner together when we get back, but I'm worried that she'll lose interest between now and then. I guess at a certain level there's not much I can really do, but I've been trying to stay in touch every day without being overbearing. She's really cool so it's hard to stay unattached and I think that's the reason I'm getting this anxiety again.

I would say if she is still actively snapping you back there is still an interest there on her part.

This might hardly work for you, but this is how I stopped placing expectations on people. If you get attached easily - there's a good side to this, you probably find qualities in people quickly, which is huge for forming healthy relationships. Don't think of it as an entirely bad thing! The logical conclusion from this is that you can emotionally invest in somebody else fairly quickly if your current attachment doesn't work out. There will be heartbreak (I know I have it even with this mentality), but it will be very minor in comparison to your previous heartbreaks. While meeting somebody new, keep this in mind, you should eventually feel comfortable with this mentality and start to appreciate just interacting with new people.

Thank you this is genuinely helpful <3

Some social advice which has been repetitive and most common: be yourself and do what you feel is right! I've stumbled across a girl which is everything I ever wanted. She's not 100% perfect, but that is something she can not help now (she and me will have to live with the imperfection). Being yourself from the start will have your peer get to know you. My girl loves me and instead of me focussing on what it is she likes about me, I'm just myself. It feels good and right. The way I feel around this girl makes me super-happy. Weirdly enough I used to think I was not very sexual at all, but this girl awoke something in me that feels out-of-this-world. I do not make very conscious decisions, but get dragged into it by subconscious connection. I can't help it and I can't describe what is causing it, but all that I'm doing is being myself. 100% of the time I wasn't myself: I didn't find anyone I loved or cared for genuinely.

You should embrace imperfection instead of considering it a flaw. Downplaying your partner like that won't do any good to either of you.

I hope somebody can provide words of comfort, I haven't been this close to rock bottom before. I truly am afraid of finding myself in a relationship in which the needs of both are not satisfied. So far, the best way I can describe my form of attachment to a partner is clinginess and intense emotion. The kind where you have trouble letting your partner go at the end of every interaction. So to start off, I am an annoying shithead that will cause a lot of discomfort and stress to my partner due to my lack of chill. I am psychologically incompatible with anything other than a strictly monogamous relationship. Overall, problematic. Another incredibly difficult issue I am met with is my physical clumsiness and shyness. Even though I have an insanely powerful sex drive and feel incredibly motivated to do whatever it takes to fully please my partner, I am godawfully bad at doing smooth and physically enjoyable things to my partner. They would have to take up the role of a teacher exclusively every time we had sex. In the long term, this translates into something completely undesirable in sexual scenarios. I won't be good at initiating sex in any sense, so I'm not sure how somebody would still feel physically interested in me after a few incredibly disappointing attempts. This whole ordeal isn't very comforting - since my teen years, the biggest prospect in my life has been the idea of a long-term future with somebody that is willing to devote the rest of their life and so much of their energy into a relationship as I. I'm can't convince myself that things are going to be okay anymore.

it's because you have no/low self-esteem and confidence, this is literally what they mean when they say love yourself before you can love someone else

I do love myself. I am proud of the things I've achieved so far in life. I feel good about myself in general. What I mentioned were realizations about myself, confidence isn't going to change those facts about what kind of person I am and what I need from a relationship.

One thing that helps me is having several good friends such that if a "relationship"were to end, I know that those people will still be there to support me. Another thing I may suggest, also as someone more intent on looking for a long term relationship, would be to think more short term and not spend time thinking about how every small thing you do now will butterfly-effect into 50 years from now. I am personally a bit insecure and that translates into unwillingness to take action and a little clinginess. Recently, I was with someone, cuddling with them after watching a movie snuggled up next to each other, and I still had thoughts of "do they actually like me?" A few moments later I realized that if someone were to ask me that question given the context, I would call them an idiot for asking something so obvious. It was then that I understood that this insecurity, of not knowing, of not wanting to let go, can never be sated. It will never be enough, always something else will make you nervous and uneasy. It's not something that can be solved, just something I have to be aware of and control. I am not sure what you have to do specifically to solve your problem, though you cleared the biggest obstacle of simply being aware of it in the first place. I think you just need some practice reminding yourself that clinging too tightly doesn't help anything, and that you should just spend time enjoying the present.

I just got my very first job ever, at a tech startup, 6 months ago. There's about 20 employees there and 3 of the girls working there have shown interest in me (at least I think) and I don't really know what to do. For context I'm 24, I've been told that I'm a pretty good looking dude but I never really thought much about it. I was raised by a single father so I'm not particularly interested in like 99% of girls. Mostly cuz I'm just on a completely different wavelength than them. So I never put myself out there. I'd honestly be okay if I never had a girlfriend or wife. I guess due to my upbringing I've never had that urge like most people do. Anyway..... #1 is 10 years older than me, one night our company went out drinking and it was me and her walking back to public transit and outta nowhere she just grabbed my hand and wanted to dance with me and sit next to her and shit like that. She's not my type at all, and I'm a bit of a pushover so I kind of left her hanging, she keeps trying to give me hints but I don't want it. #2 is around my age, out of nowhere she has started to text me asking to hang out and stuff, like going to grab coffee and that sort of thing. I'm not sure if she wants to be friends or is actually interested in me but I feel like it's kinda weird to all of a sudden want to hang out with someone you don't know that well. A dude has never been so interested in hanging out with me like that, so I figure she might be into me. But she's not really my type either. So I kinda just respond to her texts and never initiate trying to hang out with her. #3 is also around my age. She's definitely more like my type. Like I'd definitely have sex with her but idk about a relationship. For the past.6 months we never really interacted until last friday, we were drinking with coworkers again and she just tells me out of nowhere "I'm really drunk", and stuff like that. Then there was this point where all of us were sitting in a circle and she kinda just presses her legs against mine even though she had a ton of room. I'm kinda into her so I didn't move my legs and I pressed mine against hers too, we kept our legs pressed together for like a good 15 min. Didn't do anything past that cuz our coworkers were right there all around us. Then we both started walking home at the same time and she was asking me where I lived and I was being coy about it (I live in my car to save money and don't want coworkers to know) but I think she read between the lines (or something) and offered to let me crash on her couch. Not sure if she was being nice or was inviting me over. So basically I have 3 questions: How do I fend off #1? What do I do about #2? and most importantly: Is #3 into me / how do I find out for sure / how do I go for it without risking my job? Thanks

Don't shit where you eat, especially because of this.

What does this mean?

Since gay chat is a shit post I'll write here. Yesterday evening I was going over major heartache for the past few days and decided to get some ice cream from I place I used to regularly visit. The guy behind the counter complemented on my hair and I said thanks and appreciated it as I needed to feel good about myself. He asked if I was single with a guy or girl and my reply was that I was straight, but I don't share the same masculine qualities as typical guys like example I'll go shopping. Anyway, I asked how many points until I free scoop and he checked which didn't take long as he said he knew my number which was paired with my card. I asked for his name, said thank you and have a nice day. An hour later I get a text from a 646 area code with some naked guy's ass presenting himself butt hole for the camera. My initial reaction was to laugh and throw my phone against a wall, (I was meeting someone minutes away who had enough dick pics sent to her in college she had enough for a mural.). My shock whore off and I'm left with disgust and anger, because this isn't the first time a guy violated my privacy. The last guy was a former boss who was a fucking creep on me. I was fine in the past getting paper passed to me with their numbers, what the fuck happened? I feel like I'm just a stepping stone or some object who has, "treat me like trash" on my forehead. I don't have lgbt friends like I used to so I don't have the kind of community to get help. So I ask, why, what happened to sensibility? It took me effort to get out of bed from grief and now I feel like space daddy meme, "I want to die".

i want a shock whore

I hope this is the right place to ask/vent, since it's more of a general social thing than something dating / love related. For some reason I can't explain, people I really get along with just randomly and out of the blue stop talking to me. Like, they completely cut me off without any explanation. One day we're joking and having fun like usual, the next day they stop responding to my messagesand shit and they turn into one of those contact list corpses. There's no fighting or anything, no apparent reason at all. I usually send them a message to ask if anything's wrong and if I don't get any response, I'll just wait to see if they contact me again. Which never happens. I learned to just brush it off, going "Yeah well, guess that's that." and moving on, but it just happened again and it's hitting me harder than usual, cause this time it's the guy I considered one of my best and closest friend. We went through high school together, chatted on Skype and Discord every single day since then, shared the same interests and everything. Two months ago he just stopped responding to my attempts to contact him. Wrote him a text on his birthday a few weeks ago and wished him Merry Christmas, left on read, no response. I don't fucking get what's going on. Why can't people just straight up tell me that they don't want to talk to me anymore? My own explanation would be that I'm somehow being a huge fucking dick to everyone around me, subconsciously and without noticing it myself. Maybe I'm just too dumb to understand social cues or something. But how the hell would I be able to tell? The only people I have left to talk to at this point are my girlfriend, her family and my family. And they all say I'm a pretty chill and fun guy. I'm so confused right now.

Idk I look at all my other friends and they wanna go out with girls and feel bad about not getting laid and stuff, and I just don't care. I guess it doesn't really matter

You're right in most cases, though in mine it feels a bit weird: "I embrace the herpes". In a slightly less blunt way I have found someone so matching to me that even the risk of infection cannot stop me from being with this girl and showing her my love in every way.

A mistake is not imperfection.

I am looking completely at the situation from my perspective. Yes it makes her imperfect, yes I accept the fact she made a mistake, yes I will risk "making the same mistake" she did, but it's not a mistake because we are good for eachother in many ways. Again it's from the perspective of a man looking for a proper partner

Herpes isn't that big of a deal IIRC.

Deeply emotional wall of text incoming, I apologize in advance. It's been 2 months since we broke up (I'm M23 and she's F24). We broke up for mature reasons... I felt pressured constantly and so did she. We were incompatible in a lot of ways. She told me about her issues with a relationship a week prior. During that week, I thought and ingested all those reasons, until one day she called me over, and I knew what she'd say before she even opened her mouth. She initiated it, but we ended it calmly and mutually. We've spoken (in text only) a few times since then (I initiated contact both times). She doesn't have any interest in returning to the relationship, because we both agreed during the break-up that it wouldn't change things. She doesn't mind speaking to me, and told me that she still cares about me as a person, but I feel deeply that it isn't healthy for me to be in any contact with her. I've muted her in social (but not unfriended) and removed all other points of contact from my phone bar her actual phone number, just in case of an emergency, as we live a few minutes apart. The second time we talked post-breakup (around 2 weeks ago), I vented a lot of the frustrations that I'm outlining in this post (and then some). She really handled it delicately and tried to console me, and said she wouldn't wish to lose me as a person in her life. She even asked me as a personal favor to start seeing a psychologist to work through my issues, since I wanted to reduce contact with her, and my friends didn't really seem up to the task. My depression often whispers to me that it's all excuses, and that if she really cared, she'd put aside all those issues "for the sake of love", but that ain't a mature thought, nor is it a way to live a healthy relationship. We both made our fair share of compromises for each other but it still didn't work. I guess I'm feeling a lot of guilt for agreeing to the break-up, even though I knew that the reasons were legit from my side too. It feels like we'll never be together again, with my "signature" on the mutual break-up. I know in a few years time this will all be past history, but right now it hurts like a motherfucker. On one hand, all those memories and trips, it all feels like time, money, and energy wasted. On the other hand, I've feel like I've matured, and gained experience from all the ups and downs during the relationship. Today would have been our 3 year anniversary. It's funny, it feels like yesterday when I posted right here on FP, on this thread even, when I first started going out with her. Along with my SO, I also lost my best friend. Few of my friends cared about my mental state during the breakup for more than 5 minutes of conversation, which is why I've stopped trying to open myself up to them and instead put on a facade of strength and non-caring. Guess it's not fun being a crying shoulder for someone who is moping about their ex all the time, which is why I'm pouring my heart out to you guys. I recognize I'm very sad right now, and I will probably continue to be for a good few months until the healing process starts doing its job. However, running into her is inevitable. We've mixed our friend circles a lot, we are from the same hometown, and even study uni in the same city. I just know that when I see her being with another guy, all my progress in letting go will come crashing down and I'll feel betrayed, even if I have no right to be. I've been going out with friends a lot, and even met a lot of girls, who objectively seemed very cool, but I am currently not at all interested in being in a relationship or even hooking up with someone. As Bob Ross once famously said: Gotta have opposites, light and dark and dark and light, in painting. It’s like in life. Gotta have a little sadness once in awhile so you know when the good times come. I'm waiting on the good times now. And the guy said that on his own show, a short time after his wife passed on. Sometimes I feel like I'm way too young, immature, and even privileged to have a right to whine about my break-up. There are people hurting more than me right now, or people with bigger problems. Thanks to anyone who made it all the way here, a cookie and a diamond to you.

Fuck it. Asked some girl if her and her friend wanted to have a threesome. Never had one and life's too short. Sometimes you have to plop your balls on the table

Soo how'd it go?

Lol why the fuck are you sounding so melodramatic.

You should never trivialize your feelings like this. Sure you're in your 20s but there are people who meet the person they spend their life with in highschool. i dont think you should be putting yourself down in that way unless it ultimately helps you move on in some way. i had a very similar sort of situation this past summer and returning to university where are friend was exactly the same, she was over my house practically every single day, and would either be very friendly to me or super cold because she thought she was being too friendly and wanted me to get over our relationship. these past few months have been brutal for me (and i wont go any further because things diverged quite a bit from where you're at) but all i can really say is i know the feelings and it is truly awful. keep putting yourself out in different social situations though, just for fun and to get out and experience new things and people. it doesnt have to be related to finding a new girl at all, i just think finding a slightly expanded social group will really help. sometimes cutting contact or keeping it as minimal as possible is the most helpful things. hope things get better for you going into 2019

You cannot say this then not tell us the results

Thank you so much for your response, it means the world to me. It sure helps to be social, and I'm always trying to be out and about often. One thing I always had as an issue during my relationship is that about 70 percent of each day was taken by her, so I often had to cancel plans with my friends. As for minimal contact, I agree that it's probably for the best for my mental health. Cheers, and I hope your 2019 finds you in a better place as well.

Well she didnt reject me by any means, she's told me that's she's into me, and I said I wanted a truck and a threesome before I left for the military and she said that I'd probably get both pretty soon. "How close are you with your friends?" "Pretty close why?" "Threesome close?" "Hahaha with which friend?" .... Expectations are low, but it's a threesome so special occasions like that aren't too often y'know. Awesome way to lose my virginity.