Hey Phil, what I want you to do is to please scream the song "the boys are back in town" to your mother and if she doesn't catch on move her into an old person home.
You see Phil, your mom used to be a massive shitposter on this site and became notorious for how she referenced you in every single post she ever made. Her name was PhilChuckSteven's mommy, and she made several threads about parenting troubles (apparently you had a glue sniffing addiction as well as a bed shitting problem). She's been on here for almost 2 decades. If she doesn't recognize the great notorious Facepunch anthem sung by her own flesh and blood then her mind is obviously gone. Watch her face for a subtle smile because a Facepunch shitposter is nothing to turn your back to, and like a sneaky rat a shitposter can hide among the poor blue users and reemerge at any time. They are the modern digital cockroach. She is a sleeper agent of the shittiest variety. An internet forum kind. Check her browser history and if it's empty, keep looking. There are more clues around her room. Just keep looking. Every dead end holds another clue. Don't stop looking until you manage to expose her as the disgusting shit rat she is. When you find verifiable proof that she isn't who she says she is, I want you to secretly film her reaction. The shock of being exposed by her only son will bring her true personality out of hiding. If done correctly her true self will be visible for a short time. At this point, we want to let her know that she was a good poster and everything will be okay. Try and ease her back into her old facade of a personality shell. Now it's time to bake cookies. We need your mom's free will to be broken to bake enough cookies to feed the whole forum. To do this you'll have to bring up your father.
Yes I know your father was something you promised to never bring up in front of her again, ever since her psychotic episode in 09. But you have to do this for the good of the forums. For America (and numerous other countries spanning the world, you all know america is cooler). Then what you need to do is go into Polidicks. Yes I know you were told to never enter there, but it needs to be done for the sake of the forums. Then I want you to change your name to Tudd. To do this you must save up enough coins to change your name(I can easily provide you those coins due to my excessive wealthiness and connections), and click on the coin icon next to your current username. Then I want you to change your profile picture to a generic 4chan pepe. After that, I want you to press back on the page three times so that you are now back in Polidicks. Little Tudd is now in a place he should have never entered ages ago, long before there was unanimous peace with no opposition. Polidicks was Tudd's abusive, unappreciative home, and he has finally come back to reap revenge on the all those "libtard fuckers" (his words) that put him in the ground. Now Phil on your computer I want you to input this combination in a rhythmic succession: up down left right left right A B A B. If you did it correctly doing it no more than three times, then your tiny pepe avatar should now be matrix animated and annoyingly takes up the majority of the screen. What we have done is we've resurrected the actual real life in person spirit of Tudd Fudders, back from hell who is now possessing your account. He's going to help you save Christma- Facepunch. Next what you need to do is go to FoxNews.com then click on Tucker Carlson's face on the homepage. This will transport you to the content with what you will be using to save Facep Newpunch. Next what you'll want to do is copy the url at the top of the page and with the power of evil Demi God and regular Satan Worshiper, very evil Tudd Fudders, you are going to attempt to revive Facepunch from it's bleak and dark depression caused by the forum wide deathwatch. You're gonna want to click on New Thread and post that link. Now I know what you're thinking. "Nutsack what is the title going to be, will I be able to come up with a interesting enough title to attract every single user on the site?"
And that's where I say nay. The technical aspects of the plan is exactly what I am here for. You will type in the title bar "45th United States President Donald J. Trump has been assassinated by Muslim Extremists." You don't really need to come up with a fake article, Fox has you covered on that one. It's what they're good at.
Now what you're going to want to do is now at the bottom of the post, you're gonna want to put this text: "please donate your coins and diamonds to this post to help charity save up for a new president." This is our bullshit fund, and we must obtain enough coins and transfer them offshore to my account before the mods catch on and figure out they've been duped. With a title like that, we have approximately 3 minutes before we are banned for a troll thread. The diamonds must roll before then. We will practice your efficiency and I will do this by timing you with my stopwok. This is where a ton of planning is going to be done. First we will have to start with a diversion. I will grab my trusty OIFY spammers I know from way back in the good ol days and have them launch a series of reckless attacks against the official Facepunch discord spamming the racial slur commonly referred to by normal folk as "the dirty dirty n-word". This word is never ever uttered by anyone of the brighter gradient variety and sure as hell never will be. But those OIFY spammers are outlaws: wild, reckless, edgy, and most importantly, trustworthy anarchists. They live to confuse people and just want to die for a stupid but noble cause. They will start a verbal fire that the mods will have to all switch tabs over to the official Facepunch discord to try and douse the brown flames. This is our window. We go into the PM Switchboard thread and selectively @ every single user on the forum excluding moderators and former moderators/snitches and any possible friends of the mods. Extensive research will be put into the list to make sure everyone checks out. This will be the greatest mass pinging this forum has ever seen. (excluding feeble oaf who had more malevolent intentions) 5,000 users, all notified and told to go to a single thread.
It will look like this:
don't click on these links by the way
@random user 1/5000
Donald Trump Assassinated
@random user 2/5000
Donald Trump Assassinated
@random user 3/5000
Donald Trump Assassinated
But instead of goatse it would link to the thread which had just been created and then the games begin.The list would have been prepared and copied and pasted in chunks by multiple users into the PM thread, possibly even a multi person team large enough to post the entire 5000 in just 5 seconds.
Assuming at least 2000 are online and active at Facepunch's peak hours of the year during some sort of sporting event or perhaps The Fappening 3, and 50% of users probably have a sense of humor, we could make as much as 1000 diamonds, maybe more. That is ~10000 coins. We will have to do this in the most popular hours of the site, which is 12AM EST which is 5 PM in the United Kingdom. Of course not all of these coins are going to make it before the mods kill us. So we need to limit ourselves. I have no idea how many coins this amazing heist will comprise of, but I can speculate that it will be more than enough for what we are attempting. So we need to Ryan Gosling in Drive the fuck out of this robbery. Timed and Precise.
The first two minutes will be spent grabbing coins and stuffing our pockets with as many diamonds as we can, then we get the hell out at two minutes. In and out two minutes tops. The perfect cyber robbery, a complex bait and steal. But however many coins we accumulate at 2 minutes is the final amount. No more, no less. We have to adhere to this strict timing. We cannot spare the possibility of a permaban when we are so close. We may have more time to pull this off due to the shock that Tudd Fudders is fucking back from permaban hell. This hilarity of this unexpected return might cause the thread to stay open for much longer than anticipated.
Then we have approximately one minute (hopefully more but we are playing it safe) to transfer all of the coins to another account before the mods ban Tudd.
This will need to be accomplished because fucking Tudd Fudder's account is too damn hot. We will follow the plan to transfer the coins into a safe alternate "offshore" account. The plan is to cover up the transfer by making 8 separate threads, 7 of which will have a 1 coin reward. Every thread is identically titled "have a coin, first come first serve". Since it is impossible to know how much coinage a thread was answered for, we can hide coins though this. Even the mods won't know. The 8th reward thread will have our true "offshore" account posting first in it. We will need to round up some legitimate users to go into some of the fake reward threads and claim some of the 1 coin rewards. This is to confuse the mods who will be looking for the literal thousands of coins and suspicious alts. After this we should be home free money wise. Transfer a couple more times and juggle the cash around to various alternate accounts who juggle it around among themselves. This repetitive and confusing randomizing action will make it virtually impossible to figure out who has the stolen diamonds in their account unless you know exactly which account the diamonds are in.
After the transfer the only accessible point to enter the account and view how many coins a user has will be ironically the legitimate way, which is through the login area. And the only one's who can access them are the owners of the accounts, which is us. Since credible users will be involved in some of the transfers, moderators will be unsure who to trust. Are these people innocent bystanders who dropped into the wrong thread? Are these users deserving of bans or not? They will not be able to hand out bans to the trusted users who we will most likely transfer the money to because it's safer. When they ultimately lose track of the money they will most likely give up the investigation and since there aren't coin gauges or transfer logs, especially for reward threads which is our utilized method, It should be a nearly suspect free crime. There is almost no way for them to find the stolen diamonds. Sure Tudd Fudders will be banned for the second time in Facepunch history, but this time will have been infinitely more legendary.
Tudd Fudders will be known as the greatest arbitrary forum coin robber in the history of the internet.
Now it is time for the bribery stage. At this point after the wildly successful robbery you will make an alternate account and title it "Garry Come Home" then every day for 5 months (or until garry checks the forums which honestly might not happen)you will PM him in various underground threads until he notices the literal hundreds of posts addressed to him, which are worded in weird ciphers each different but in similar length. This will creep Garry the fuck out. Contained in these pings are cryptic messages posted in the format of a untraceable polaroid picture of a ransom note made from scraps of magazine and tape. We will send this to him in every possible format. Email, Telegram, Hack Reports in Rust, commenting on Rust devblogs, fucking old Rust trello projects, spam telephoning his office, paying off one of his sons classmates to give his son one then him in turn giving it to Garry, finding where he lives and plugging every exit with thousands of pictures of different ciphers (not really this is all just a joke by the way I wouldn't even think of actually trying this don't take this as a threat, this is not a threat it's a joke post I promise thanks a bunch)They will always have some sort of cryptic coded message which my brother is a fanatic about and he'll happily write thousands of handmade ciphers for a noble cause. Each cipher is deciphered in it's own original way, but the last handful of sentences which will always act as a consistent cipher key which will always read as this:
"Garry, I have the entire forum's hard earned coins. Coins which are virtually useless. Until now. There are 10,000 coins in an unmarked blue user account. With these coins I have the ability to report to the police that you have been paying underage children for posting on your internet forum earning virtually worthless money which can then be traded for absolutely mediocre profile upgrades. This is equivalent to, if not more mind numbing than child labor ("gambling") and a shitty system in general when there are only 5 items in the coin shop. Coins are virtually purposeless; unless I show a law abiding british judge to what lies in the Gold Membie Funk Bunker Porn Threads. That's double the underage legal trouble. I could find at least 20 examples of underage gold members who lied bout their age to get gold and with which upon their purchase of gold with their scrounged for months coins allows minors access to uncensored and unlawful pornography. With no extra verification. Think of what a hardcore roided up veteran of a british judge who lives for justice would do if he saw this. Think of the fines Garry. Do you want to be on a list Garry? I don't want to be on a list. You have until the end of this year to take better care of Facepunch by ensuring the safety of the forums and giving us better and more consistent communication with what the hell you are fucking thinking about you absolute wanker."
Attached is a picture of a Facepunch account with the name marked out on a laptop screen in permanent marker with more than 10 thousand coins.
If Garry doesn't close the forum immediately after that intense legal blackmailing pressure out of fear of getting arrested for providing obscene material to minors, your help would have created a scenario that forces Garry to unwillingly choose not to close down the forums and forcing him to have to leechingly pay to keep the forums up so that the next generation of pissed off Rust kiddies get to complain about everything Garry does, just like the last generation, not to mention a lot of random arguing about stupid shit that doesn't impact anything whatsoever by grown adults who used to be Rust kiddies. And if he doesn't bend to the horrific and creepy blackmail, then he is willing to at least appreciate the well coordinated and time consuming effort it took to pull this entire operation off and even harder to get his attention. It doesn't even matter if he doesn't crack. Garry won't have a choice. The forum will be ours. Have a embarrassing ban history possibly involving racism, sexism, or blatant homophobia? You can erase it. (sadly there is no ban history on Newpunch god damn it Garry you killed the old forum and stuck us in a unfinished abortion of a forum. But HEY at least we can embed reddit links.) And since the site is built from scratch, we can force Garry to give us the coding tools (I don't know anything about fucking coding sorry for being an actual retard) to the entire website so that other people who aren't so lazy and distrustful can finish the site and create an actual structured coin purchase system as well as a plethora of improvements to the site.
And after we do that, with the power we gained we can finally erase your mother's infamous post history so her sleeper agent persona will bake every single user on the forum delicious cookies and then we will all live happily ever after.
Thanks to YOU PhilChuckStev-and he's banned
tldr
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