Crossdressing, Transgender & Allies Discussion: New Look, Same Dysphoria - General

America is great for HRT if you have the money. I'd much rather be in Europe where the process is extremely slow but you don't really pay anything (or so I understand.)

ok this is probably my 50th time trying to muster up some courage to post in this thread. i kinda need to rant here mainly because i just simply don't have anyone in my life to talk about this stuff, i hope my post won't get too long. around age of 11-13 i started to feel different from my male classmates but for a really long time i couldn't put my finger on how exactly i was different because when i was growing up in my pretty conservative country (russia) lgbt subject was and still is a pretty big taboo, especially around children. people in general act like lgbt kids don't exist and it's all propaganda of big scary WEST. anyways as i was growing up i was starting to feel more and more confused by myself, having these thoughts about wanting to try make up and feeling jealous of girls who could wear all sorts of pretty clothes in public. i felt like i was going insane and as result i became really... i don't really know what word to use to describe this - 'closed' i guess? introverted? because i was legit afraid that if people would find out what kind of thoughts I'm having i would end up in asylum or something. skipping couple of years of self gnawing - i got internet connection. and one lucky evening I landed on one of those dumb buzzfeed like websites and i saw this list which was called something like 'Top 10 most unusual models in fashion!' and i saw photo of male model Andrej Pejic (she now came out as transwoman). don't want sound dramatic but in that moment my life literally was separated in before and after - discovering that I'm not the only one who feels the way i do, that that there is actually a whole community of people like me was pretty mind-blowing. seeing this male model (at that time) walking runways in both male and female clothing was just... i don't know how to describe it really. after that i went deeper trying to find more info and that's how i discovered all this different terms like transgender, crossdresser, non binary etc. and so here lies my biggest problem - i still have no idea which one of these i am. all these different guides on internet tell me that I need to experiment with gender expression - try out wearing feminine clothing and stuff like that, and maybe I'll find out in the process. well i did just that and while it did feel nice i still don't know if i am trans or just crossdresser. or if im someone else entirely. i kinda feel jealous of trans people who know for sure who they are. i am really indecisive - one day i feel like i am trans, next day i feel the opposite, day after that i feel like i'm somewhere in between. in a couple of months i'll move away from my parents so maybe then I'll have more freedom to try out things and see what happens. it really sucks having no one to talk to in real life, I'm super paranoid about someone finding out, so i dont even try to reach to someone.

Russia is ultra strict in terms of genders in general, attempting anything lgbt related there is the equivalent of being a rabbit amongst hungry crocodiles, it's not a particularly sexual population from my experience. Even heterosexual relationships are treated with apprehension sometimes, especially recently. It would have not mattered to me personally because I am no longer planning to do anything sexual for the rest of my life while simultaneously feeling comfortable in my own body, but for those who live differently or have dysphoria it must be a fucking nightmare.

Well, didya didya didya? How'd it go

what the fuck is a "didya"?

it's a short 'did you' but that's kinda redundant now that I've explained it and it needed questioning

haha I was only pretending to be oblivious, now my flawless master scheme is complete, worked for three months on that one.

Good luck! 💝💝💝

it's so fucking demoralizing to see how our very existence is so many peoples' idea of a great punchline to a joke. I'm sick of it.

No, clearly we're just libtard snowflakes who are looking for things to be offended by. Tranny is a perfectly harmless and funny word!

The thing that people don't understand is that yeah, getting called a slur once isn't that big of a deal, we've got thick skin. But over time, getting called that or experiencing others like you being called that is just extremely draining and demoralizing and it just makes you tired. That just isn't an experience most people have, so I understand why it happens. It's different perspectives. On one end, it's someone making a joke they feel is harmless because hey, what's one slur in a humorous context? On the other end is people who never stop being on the receiving end of it and those are two drastically different experiences that come out of the same situation. I just wish people would try to understand and have the littlest bit of empathy before going to Edgetown 6000 with their jokey-jokes.

Today has been depressing for me. Trump has banned me from joining the military, which is something I've been trying to do for years. This most recent attempt was the closest I'd been, too.

I plan on not telling anyone in my family if I can help it for a long time. Maybe my mom but that's it. Issue is if I tell her it'll get around, and my stepdad who she recently married will find out. He's hardcore conservative, supports Trump, all that jazz. He's made jokes at the expense of the "special snowflakes" so I'm definitely not wanting him to know.. Its hard because this feels like the right path to be taking but it's going to be littered with so many landmines.

I just recently told my mother, and now my entire family knows. She told my cousins and aunt that live in Michigan that are hardcore catholic zealots despite knowing that I didn't want them to know. She and all the other relative are fairly supportive and kind about it, though. I understand that it is her sister, rather than my aunt, but it is still very unfortunate for me because I feel like it will strain things.

Well and that's what scares me - I know my Mom will talk. I know it. It's who she is and it's why I am the way I am - her and I have always talked. I believe she'd be supportive - she always wanted a daughter and she always joked (and still does) that I was her girl. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if she saw this coming. But it's the fact that she may not be, and that I know she'll tell him, which'll change the relationship up. It scares me. I'm terrified. These are changes I never foresaw coming, even though I wished to be a girl since my teens. But I never imagined I'd be able to take steps to DO that.

How2get permanent residency

Tfw you go out for Korean BBQ with your female coworkers that you're not out to and the server refers to everyone as ladies multiple times. I'm sure it was just cause it was dark, but it was very affirming. They all had a good laugh, but little did they know I thought it was great.

i still dont know where to even start with hrt honestly. I'm seeing a therapist that can write me a letter but I really have no clue...

Yeah I understand where you're coming from, I told my mom and she told everyone in the immediate household (which isn't necessarily a problem, my sister was ecstatic about it) but I had to tell her not to tell anyone from the church, because I KNOW how people in those communities can be.

the worst part about the male body is all the gross body hair

Beard is just THE WORST

They suck too but I have a goddamn forrest is there a deforestation problem really when my legs grow that shit in a day

[https://imgur.com/a/tHCgg] I think the estrogen is working

Looking v good. Ive been struggling lately wondering if my last boyfriend would have stayed with me had I expressed my feelings on gender and feeling much more male but I think I’m driving myself crazy with “what ifs”. The dude was open minded but still pretty straight, all things considered. Ace/Aro or otherwise, I do like being flirted with. I just don’t like it when I’m being flirted at with the notion that I’m a girltype because it does change how people treat you. But at the same time I can’t physically transition right now so it’s like Well sucks to be you! Lol. Anyway. Just the usual gripes I guess.

If he's open-minded, is there a reason that you couldn't talk to him about it?

I’m not sure he’s still single lmfao. He doesn’t have a huge social media presence and he added another profile to his Netflix for someone named “Laura” (he lets me still use it because he’s a cool guy and I’m broke as fuck) so I imagine he’s moved on by now. It’s no biggie, I’m the one who chickened out because I was having complex gender feelings so I don’t blame him or anything. Like I said I think it’s just me struggling with what ifs and feeling just a tiny bit lonely.

Do ya'll have the sort of relationship still where you could talk about it, or has that ship sailed? Sounds like you just need a bit more closure. I usually find it nice to talk to exes after a sort of "cooling down period", helps me get past or maybe accept things like that.

I mean, personally, I find that talking about these things always helps. At the bare minimum, it would give you closure; and if you broke up with him for this without telling him why, it would probably give him some closure as well.

I probably could bring it up with him but I’m a bit of a wiener and social conflict - even mild- gives me a stomach ache. maybe I’ll think about talking about it with him at some point though. If only to get his perspective and like you said, a little bit of closure. We still chat from time to time, just not long drawn out conversations or anything.

I mean like.. relationships are learning experiences, right? May as well just take the chance to learn a bit more about what happened and all that. I know how that feels though- I've def had some weird falling outs with people over my gender issues and sometimes it can just make things feel so... incomplete? And it creates a lot of regret for me too cause I tend to want to put others before my own well-being. I know how those situations can hurt; sorry you're going through this.