What's the deepest, darkest secret of yours that you would be willing to post on a public forum? - General

To be honest, I haven't had anything major go wrong in my life. Relatively minor inconveniences, sure, but not anything like deaths or hard rejections or parental issues. It's been pretty smooth sailing. And this is where the fears come in. I realize it's not so much a secret as it is a fear, but I figure it counts. 1. I am terrified that the people I count as friends don't reciprocate my feelings for them in an equal manner. That I'm just an annoyance that people put up with. That as soon as I go too far or have fulfilled my purpose for them, they will discard me. Shit's scary, man. The worst is when it pops up in regards to my family or girlfriend. Not a good feeling. 2. I am scared that one day life is going to decide that I've had it too good for too long and punch me right in the stomach. Whether it's a series of deaths, rejections, or just awful luck, I almost expect things to fall apart in one regard or another. It doesn't really make rational sense, but it almost seems inevitable to me. It doesn't terrify me and I think I've almost accepted that I can't go on living this way.

In elementary school, I sucked my best friends dick on a dare, and also partly because I was an easily influenced sucker (I guess literally.) At least it helped me decide my sexual orientation (straaaight) Also, in a time period close to that, I kind of fucked up my entire family by getting pressured/suckered into showing pornography to my young cousins, thus sowing discord, making my uncle hate me and my immediate family in general. It's better now, but it's still slightly awkward and I feel extremely guilty sometimes, and it was a significant cause of some deepish depression I was in between 10-13 years of age.

I like to talk [i]a lot[/i] of shit. I'm honesly surprised that I've made it through high school talking all this shit and I haven't been in a fight yet

[QUOTE=Hardpoint Nomad;40140313]I like to talk [i]a lot[/i] of shit. I'm honesly surprised that I've made it through high school talking all this shit and I haven't been in a fight yet[/QUOTE] I know how you feel, I'm that type of kid too. Surprisingly everyone likes talking to me though.

[QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;40131355]I sleep with a teddybear.[/QUOTE] Ironically this is related to my next rant. I do not want to be an attention whore. I know I am sometimes but a great number of posts of mine have been canceled because I have a fear of looking like an attention whore. I was going to say "I have nobody to sleep with", but that's just begging for attention.

[QUOTE=Stopper;40137746]Fuck that. In short I want to find my soulmate but I think it's impossible to find a physically attractive woman that shares a sizable part of my interests. I hate that. I often feel that what I consider my best friends don't feel back the same. What makes it worse is that are only a few of them. Honestly, if I lose my last couple of friends, I would contemplate suicide. I usually feel like I'm smarter than everyone else around me and I honestly don't know if it's a massive ego complex or if it's really like that. I want to be everyone's mentor (not role model) This is partly why I love Facepunch - everyone is equal under the mask of anonymity. I don't know what I'd do without you. I often think about the Universe and how beautiful, amazing and massive it is. I love talking about it too. I love smooth jazz and I regularly listen to classical music. A lot of people think I do it for attention which is confusing for me. I firmly believe that reputation is everything and I fight to keep mine. Although I have never actually gotten into a real, bloody fight. Just a few scruffs. Also, I don't really have any female friends. Like... None. Along with barely having any friends... *following is my previous post because fuck key shortcuts seriously. [editline]3rd April 2013[/editline] I also really, really, really want to be very rich not because of the luxury, but because of the freedom to do anything. Like for instance buy my best friend a brand new bike just to see him happy. Or donate someone a wad of cash or even something as fucking simple as a goddamn sandwich. I feel like I'm losing my grip while thinking about all these things so I'll just go to bed. It still feels nice to know that someone out there read this. Maybe there's even someone out there who feels the same way as I do...[/QUOTE] You sound like a man I would be friends with. [editline]3rd April 2013[/editline] I divide people into "my kind" and "people I will not be close with no matter what". Usually "my kind" are majestic people I can talk about phylosophic stuff and "not my kind" consists of most people on earth.

Sometimes at night I randomly grab my pillow if I can't sleep and then I start hugging it like it's a person. This usually puts to sleep somehow.

[QUOTE='TheDark[PL];40141638']Sometimes at night I randomly grab my pillow if I can't sleep and then I start hugging it like it's a person. This usually puts to sleep somehow.[/QUOTE] this, so much

[QUOTE=MuffinZerg;40140858]You sound like a man I would be friends with. [editline]3rd April 2013[/editline] I divide people into "my kind" and "people I will not be close with no matter what". Usually "my kind" are majestic people I can talk about phylosophic stuff and "not my kind" consists of most people on earth.[/QUOTE] thats bullshit tho youre just making a crass judgement on people; i can guarantee you that at least like 10% of all groups of people consist of cool people while the other 90% are probably losers/boring/bad deepest darkest secret. at night time i get extremely schizophrenic and when im alone and its dark i get auditory and visual hallucinations. but im too scared of being diagnosed with a mental disorder so i dont go to a psychiatrist

I burnt the bodies. All of them. Sometimes I like to think about blowing up busses etc. Or killing tons of people. (fbi please don't arrest me).

[QUOTE=thisispain;40141821]thats bullshit tho youre just making a crass judgement on people; i can guarantee you that at least like 10% of all groups of people consist of cool people while the other 90% are probably losers/boring/bad deepest darkest secret. at night time i get extremely schizophrenic and when im alone and its dark i get auditory and visual hallucinations. but im too scared of being diagnosed with a mental disorder so i dont go to a psychiatrist[/QUOTE] I know judging people is bad, I try to fight it.\ But whenever I encounter a man I just feel if he's good for me or not.

I somehow always think of tiny things that i find annoying or something i am not looking forward to and it basically ruins my entire day or week even. Like i need to go to the dentist again next week and even though i just know i don't have any holes in my teeth i am still thinking about it with a massive wrecking thought. Its with a lot of things, like right now i am at work and i am all down because in a few hours i have to go through traffic again for 1 hour long. A thing so small and it still brings me down when thinking about it...

[QUOTE=thisispain;40141821]thats bullshit tho youre just making a crass judgement on people; i can guarantee you that at least like 10% of all groups of people consist of cool people while the other 90% are probably losers/boring/bad deepest darkest secret. at night time i get extremely schizophrenic and when im alone and its dark i get auditory and visual hallucinations. but im too scared of being diagnosed with a mental disorder so i dont go to a psychiatrist[/QUOTE] Every person's problem is bullshit. That's why it's a problem.

I am a massive asshole. Sometimes I take great pride of it too.

[QUOTE=UberMunchkin;40142676]I'm scared of balloons. I can deal with pictures of balloons fine, but if I'm in a room with one or even close to one I just get extremely nervous and on edge.[/QUOTE] i used to be like that when i was younger. you're scared of them popping, right? not just the balloon itself

I feel guilt for not having experienced emotional trauma to almost any extent in comparison with pretty much anyone I know. Although I empathize with their hardships, I have a hard time relating to or properly understanding the things they describe. Basically, my life has always even easy to live, I've been gifted a privileged and stable life along with more opportunities than anyone could ask for. I've experienced depression at a few points, but it's always been for fairly silly reasons (some which I can't even remember) and it has always passed quickly.

[QUOTE='TheDark[PL];40141638']Sometimes at night I randomly grab my pillow if I can't sleep and then I start hugging it like it's a person. This usually puts to sleep somehow.[/QUOTE] There's a scientific reason for this some where. It's the same reason children sleep better with teddies. Most people do it as far as I am aware.

I have a irrational fear of having to wear glasses which is why I have never checked my sight.

The only way I can deal with minor social interactions is with memorised stock phrases and sentences.

I have close to no self-confidence whatsoever.

Also, I hate talking just for the sake of making conversation. I feel like when I'm with my friends we pretty much never do this though; there's always a point to the conversation, and even when there's not it's always fun and interesting. Although it doesn't happen very often (we're pretty good at talking to each other), I think we'd be perfectly fine hanging out/walking in silence. The main issue is with my parents, or when sitting in a car with people I don't know very well. There seems to be this idea that nobody saying anything is the worst thing that could possibly happen. Should there ever be a silence, someone immediately has to bring up something, anything, no matter how pointless it is, just to break the silence. I don't get it. I don't feel like keeping a conversation going should be a chore, it should happen naturally; if someone has something to say, let them say it, otherwise, let there be silence. Now, I realize these things I've contributed aren't exactly deep, dark secrets, but they're still things I'd be uncomfortable sharing with most people that I didn't know very well.

I've already posted in this thread before, but it's a different subject this time. There's a wall of text here, so it's alright if you don't read it. My parents broke up when I was about... 7, perhaps? Up until that point, I'd never really known what misery was like. I'd lived a good childhood, in a lower-middle- to middle-class family, and I was at a tiny little school with only one bully. Leading up to the divorce, I'd heard them arguing throughout 2004, but whenever I came in they always said "Oh no, we're not arguing" because they knew I was young and naive enough to believe them. Then, on New Year's Day 2005, my parents told me to sit down. I can't remember what was said that day, but I know it involved them getting a divorce and I know I was incredibly sad about it. Up until that point, I'd been pretty much like most 5-8 year olds- a selfish brat for the most part, but with some sense of empathy. But for some reason, on a subconscious level, that event changed me completely. I don't know whether it was because I was scared of losing people due to the very small group of friends I had, or because I saw how painful it was for my parents and never wanted to give anybody a reason to dislike me. As a result, I became what I would later discover was called a 'doormat'. For the sake of making others happy, I'd agree with what they say unless it conflicted with only my very most basic principles. It went alright for a few years, primary school is a simple life and there's not much that can go wrong, you fall out with people and make up the next day. But when I moved up to secondary school, I suddenly felt swamped by the huge amount of people. And not only that, but the suddenly huge (the bully had moved away not long after my parents got divorced- as a result, I was sad to see him go) amount of people that disliked me for what I discerned as no good reason at all. It was probably around this point I finally realised I was what society often calls 'weird'. My desire to fit in didn't extend beyond basic social behaviours like manners, pleases and thank yous and hellos and goodbyes. Apart from that, I liked what I liked and made no effort to disguise what I disliked- which didn't really extend beyond trivial things like TV shows and bands, and sports of any kind. Suddenly, I was pelted with insults, and it took me a couple of years before I could finally let things go. During a history lesson, we were learning about the civil rights movement in the 1960s. There was a documentary-type show thing with reenactments, and all of a sudden there was a scene about a Greyhound bus (I think that's what it was) for 'coloreds' being pulled over by a group of racists, the occupants beaten up and even one, I think, murdered, and the bus set on fire. Watching this technically-fictional event, I knew it was almost certainly based on reality, and this was perhaps the first time I had ever seriously wished death upon a person. Even now, I still feel difficult resigning a person to that fate even in my own mind. I've been a pacifist for the last few years, although I'd never intentionally hit anyone for a long time before I'd made that decision, and having had a girlfriend for the last 20 months or so who is a goth, I've gotten a good glimpse into the life of a person who society often deems an acceptable target for abuse and violence. She's legitimately received death threats on previous occasions, and her self-esteem is so low that she believes the rest of the world is lying to her about being a wonderful person because she literally cannot comprehend otherwise. Fortunately, she doesn't self-harm physically, but a couple of her friends do, and I've felt myself wishing death on the people that have caused her and them to become like this. It's been one of the influences on my left-wing (apologies) views, and the hatred I feel towards those people is still fairly unique to me. I don't really know why I'm bothering to describe all this as I highly doubt it's particularly interesting, but I tend to find that with things like this I feel more secure letting other people know of the things I've only recently started telling others about. I'd like to thank you if you've read this far, and if you've just skimmed the bottom of it, thank you anyway. You are all wonderful people.

[QUOTE=Darth_Kris;40143606]I have a irrational fear of having to wear glasses which is why I have never checked my sight.[/QUOTE] What about lenses?

[QUOTE=darth-veger;40144497]What about lenses?[/QUOTE] He probably didn't [I]see[/I] the adverts.

[QUOTE=James xX;40144783]He probably didn't [I]see[/I] the adverts.[/QUOTE] I can see fine though. [QUOTE=darth-veger;40144497]What about lenses?[/QUOTE] I didn't really think about lenses but got told they're comfortable.

[QUOTE=Darth_Kris;40146308]I can see fine though. I didn't really think about lenses but got told they're comfortable.[/QUOTE] I had glasses for 2 weeks, after that i took lenses. Honestly at some point you take them in and out within a few seconds and you don't feel them if you manage to get the right lenses after some trying.

[QUOTE=Jamsponge;40144090]I've already posted in this thread before, but it's a different subject this time. There's a wall of text here, so it's alright if you don't read it. My parents broke up when I was about... 7, perhaps? Up until that point, I'd never really known what misery was like. I'd lived a good childhood, in a lower-middle- to middle-class family, and I was at a tiny little school with only one bully. Leading up to the divorce, I'd heard them arguing throughout 2004, but whenever I came in they always said "Oh no, we're not arguing" because they knew I was young and naive enough to believe them. Then, on New Year's Day 2005, my parents told me to sit down. I can't remember what was said that day, but I know it involved them getting a divorce and I know I was incredibly sad about it. Up until that point, I'd been pretty much like most 5-8 year olds- a selfish brat for the most part, but with some sense of empathy. But for some reason, on a subconscious level, that event changed me completely. I don't know whether it was because I was scared of losing people due to the very small group of friends I had, or because I saw how painful it was for my parents and never wanted to give anybody a reason to dislike me. As a result, I became what I would later discover was called a 'doormat'. For the sake of making others happy, I'd agree with what they say unless it conflicted with only my very most basic principles. It went alright for a few years, primary school is a simple life and there's not much that can go wrong, you fall out with people and make up the next day. But when I moved up to secondary school, I suddenly felt swamped by the huge amount of people. And not only that, but the suddenly huge (the bully had moved away not long after my parents got divorced- as a result, I was sad to see him go) amount of people that disliked me for what I discerned as no good reason at all. It was probably around this point I finally realised I was what society often calls 'weird'. My desire to fit in didn't extend beyond basic social behaviours like manners, pleases and thank yous and hellos and goodbyes. Apart from that, I liked what I liked and made no effort to disguise what I disliked- which didn't really extend beyond trivial things like TV shows and bands, and sports of any kind. Suddenly, I was pelted with insults, and it took me a couple of years before I could finally let things go. During a history lesson, we were learning about the civil rights movement in the 1960s. There was a documentary-type show thing with reenactments, and all of a sudden there was a scene about a Greyhound bus (I think that's what it was) for 'coloreds' being pulled over by a group of racists, the occupants beaten up and even one, I think, murdered, and the bus set on fire. Watching this technically-fictional event, I knew it was almost certainly based on reality, and this was perhaps the first time I had ever seriously wished death upon a person. Even now, I still feel difficult resigning a person to that fate even in my own mind. I've been a pacifist for the last few years, although I'd never intentionally hit anyone for a long time before I'd made that decision, and having had a girlfriend for the last 20 months or so who is a goth, I've gotten a good glimpse into the life of a person who society often deems an acceptable target for abuse and violence. She's legitimately received death threats on previous occasions, and her self-esteem is so low that she believes the rest of the world is lying to her about being a wonderful person because she literally cannot comprehend otherwise. Fortunately, she doesn't self-harm physically, but a couple of her friends do, and I've felt myself wishing death on the people that have caused her and them to become like this. It's been one of the influences on my left-wing (apologies) views, and the hatred I feel towards those people is still fairly unique to me. I don't really know why I'm bothering to describe all this as I highly doubt it's particularly interesting, but I tend to find that with things like this I feel more secure letting other people know of the things I've only recently started telling others about. I'd like to thank you if you've read this far, and if you've just skimmed the bottom of it, thank you anyway. You are all wonderful people.[/QUOTE] I find this to be interesting, don't worry.

I drew smut for money for a friend a couple of times. :I

If there's no toilet paper or any tissues around after jerking off, I rub the stuff on my stomach and legs and wait for it to dry off.

I sit for hours straight pretending that I have finger nails that can grow or retract at very quick speeds, I then run these elongated finger nails through my hair and then retract them again. I then scratch myself with them.