A young woman who was born without legs was crying on the beach.
I asked her why she was crying and she said
"I'm crying because I never been kissed before."
So I knelt down and kissed her on the lips and walked off.
She started crying again and I came back and asked her why was she crying now?
She said "I'm crying because I've never been fucked before."
So I picked her up and threw her into the ocean and yelled "YOUR FUCKED NOW!"
*Knock knock*
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Boo who I scared you :v:
What do you call a plane crash with 500 black people on board?
[sp]A national tragedy.[/sp]
What do you call a pickup filled with black people?
[sp]Good days hunting.[/sp]
what did the canadian man wear on his foot
[sp]a boot[/sp]
2 fat americans are huddled under a tiny umbrella, yet neither of them get wet. How can that be?
[sp]It wasn't raining.[/sp]
This isn't really a terrible joke but I came up with it on my own and I don't have anywhere else to put it.
A man was kidnapped for a scientific experiment. He was drugged so he could not remember what happened and was more likely to simply follow the commands of the scientists. He woke up blindfolded. A two way radio buzzed to life, strapped to his shirt. "We are going to put you in a series of locations using a teleportation machine. Please tell us where you think you are each time we teleport you. We will now begin."
After a few seconds the man began to hear the noises of waves crashing against the beach, and children yelling to each other.
"Where are you?" asked the man on the radio.
"The beach," replied the blindfolded man.
"Correct," replied the man on the radio.
Within a few more seconds the man began to hear different noises. Honking horns and the sounds of cars passing by.
"Where are you now?" asked the man on the radio.
"The city," replied the blindfolded man.
"Correct. We will now teleport you to the last location," said the man on the radio.
Within a few more seconds, the man began to hear the sound of crickets.
"Where are you at now?" asked the man on the radio.
The blindfolded man thought for a moment or two, then finally answered.
"A Nickelback concert?"
Heard this from a friend.
"My name is Anita! You can call me Annie or just call me!"
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
How many people with Altzheimers does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
[editline]30th November 2012[/editline]
Roses are Red,
Violets are blue,
I have Altzheimers,
Cheese on toast.
I like to express this with picture so.
[img]https://dl.dropbox.com/u/68500821/lol/lightbulb%20cop%20beat%20black.jpg[/img]
How do you know if a black man has been on your computer?
[sp]It isn't there.[/sp]
What's white in the middle and black all over?
[sp]rape[/sp]
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drum-sticks.
I'd tell you a boxing joke but nobody would get the punch line.
How do you spot a black man in darkness?
[sp]You can't. He's too black.[/sp]
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?
[Sp]I cry when I cut up an onion[/sp]
[QUOTE=Gmod Tomato;38666532]What's white in the middle and black all over?
[sp]rape[/sp][/QUOTE]
What's white in the middle, and black on each side?
[sp]an oreo[/sp]
[QUOTE=Chilblain;38673533]What's white in the middle, and black on each side?[/QUOTE]
Burnt chicken?
So a Jew walks into a bar.
[sp]just kidding, it was a gas chamber[/sp]
What does a feminist use as a contraceptive?
[Sp]her personality[/sp]
-snip-
[QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;38528568]What do acne and priests have in common?
[sp]They both come all over your face[/sp][/QUOTE]
Hmm, Jesus Juice.
How do you drive a Jew to insanity?
[sp]Send him into a perfectly circular room and tell him there's a penny in the corner.[/sp]
How many men does it take to make a sandwich?
[sp]None, it should already be made when she brings it to you.[/sp]
Why are women's feet smaller on average than men's?
[sp]So they can get closer to the sink to do the dishes.[/sp]
Did you hear about that one rich, successful black guy?
[sp]Nah, neither did I.[/sp]
What do you get if you mix an octopus with a mexican?
[sp]I don't know, but it could sure pick lettuce good.[/sp]
Why do mexicans refry their beans?
[sp]When has a mexican done anything right?[/sp]
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest, "How many times?"
Woman, "Three times."
Priest, "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest, "What did you do?"
Man, "I committed adultery."
Priest, "How many times?"
Man, "Three times."
Priest, "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi, "What did you do?"
Woman, "I committed adultery."
Rabbi, "How many times?"
Woman, "Once."
Rabbi, "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
A Rabbi and a Priest in a Car Accident.
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
Four people are in a plane: Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, Mike Tyson, and a hippie. The plane is about to crash and is headed straight for mainland, and there are only three parachutes left. They are left to debate who gets the parachutes.
First, Mike Tyson grabs a parachute. He declares "I am one of the strongest boxers in the world! I deserve to live!", and jumps out.
Bill Gates then declares "I am one of the smartest men in the world, I deserve to live!", and also jumps out.
The Dalai Lama turns to the hippie and says "Young man, you have a full and long life ahead of you. You may take the last parachute."
The hippie shrugs casually, and says "Don't worry about it man, that computer guy forgot his parachute."
Why did hitler go back home?
[sp]Because he left the oven on[/sp]
Why is Santa's sack so big?
[sp]He only cums once a year.[/sp]
What is Michael Bay's favourite toy?
[sp]A blow-up doll[/sp]
A woman without arms or legs is laying on the beach. A man walks up to her and she says, "I've never been hugged." The man hugs her. Another man walks up, and she says, "I've never been kissed." The man kisses her. Another man walks up, and she says, "I've never been fucked." The man picks her up and throws her in the water. "now you're fucked", said the man.
What do you call a bunch of Aboriginals rolling down a hill?
[sp]Abolanch[/sp]
What do you call a bunch of Aboriginals rolling up a hill?
[sp]Black Magic[/sp]
What did the boy with no arms and legs get for Christmas?
[sp]Cancer.[/sp]
[sp]I'm so going to hell.[/sp]
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