Don't know if this has been posted but:
A Mexican rides up to the US border on a bike holding a bag, naturally the border patrol searched the bag and finds nothing but 100% sand top to bottom so they let him pass. He does this a few more times and every time he has the same thing in the bag, sand.
The guard that usually searched him went crazy wondering what he was smuggling and got fired. Years later he tracked the man down and chatted him up, then asked "What was it you were smuggling all these years?" and the Mexican replies "I was smuggling bikes motherfucker."
my mum just laughed at me when i told her i was building a car out of spaghetti.
you should have seen her face when i drove pasta
I've seen this around the internet a couple of times, hopefully it hasn't been posted already.
[quote]There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped."
"Except what?"
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
"Ahh, but you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
Businessman "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say...
"Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"[/quote]
One time I carried stuff in, I accidentally dropped the bass. Skrillex came over and gave me a thumbs up.
What do you call Raisin Sex?
Sun Maid.
How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[sp]None, they'll just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw. [/sp]
i couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger... and then it hit me
Made this one on my own.
How many Mexicans can you fit in a car?
Depends how the Cartel cuts them.
Three Irishmen are in a queue at a railway ticket office, in front of them are three Scotsmen.
Oddly, the Scotsmen only buy one ticket for the three of them, so the Irishmen decide to follow them to see what they're up to.
On the train, the ticket collector is seen coming along the carriages, punching people's tickets. The Scotsmen get up, hurry to the toilet and all cram in.
The ticket collector reaches the toilet and knocks on the door.
"Tickets please"
The door opens slightly and a hand comes out holding a ticket. The collector takes it, punches it and moves on.
The Irishmen wish they'd thought of that trick and decide to do it next time.
When it's time for the return trip, Irishmen bump into the same Scotsmen in the ticket queue, this time with the Irishmen in front. They get to the window and buy one ticket, winking knowingly at the Scotsmen. Then the Scots leave the queue without buying any tickets and head for the train. This really puzzles the Irishmen.
On the train, they see the ticket collector getting close, so they get up and cram into the toilet as the Scots had done before. The Scotsmen then stand up and head for the toilet in the next carriage.
As they pass the toilet that the Irishmen are all crammed in, they stop and knock on the door
"Tickets please"
Came up with some more today.
How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Oven lights don't need changed.
What do you call an African independence movement? Prison Riot.
How many Africans does it take to change a lightbulb? .... What lightbulb?
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot butthole? ' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
I got my grades and lemme tell ya,their below sea-level
Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken
[QUOTE=Mossie;38844479]Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken[/QUOTE]
which was then hit by a truck
Whats blonde and disturbs while camping?
Anders Breivik
What pick-up line did the mouth say to the pie?
I will eat you up
Why do black mothers have to watch their kids play in the sand pit?
To stop the cats from kicking dirt onto them.
What did the alabama sheriff call the negro who had been shot 15 times?
Worst case of suicide he'd ever seen.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question, they just beat the room for being black
What's brown and screams?
Stevie wonder answering the iron.
How do you name a beach with a bunch of nigga on it?
[sp]Cat litter[/sp]
[QUOTE=VietRooster2;38859835]What's brown and screams?
Stevie wonder answering the iron.[/QUOTE]
I laughed so hard I actually cried. That's the first time that's ever happened to me from reading something online.
Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?
So that if it's stillborn they can make soup.
One day, a 4th grade teacher thought of a brilliant idea on how to teach her students to remember things easily by associating an item or term with another item or term.
She brought Lifesavers to class and, one after the other, the kids performed magnificently in identifying the flavors by their corresponding color;
Red = Cherry
Yellow = Lemon
Green = Lime
Orange = Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
None of the children could identify the new and peculiar taste in their mouth.
After several failed guesses and handing out a few more honey flavored lifesavers, the teacher finally said, 'I will give you all a clue. Your mother may call your father this sometimes.'
One little girl looked up in sudden horror, coughed up her lifesaver and yelled, 'EWWWWWW, spit it out!!! They're ass-holes!!"
These are kinda dumb, but whatever. Sorry if late.
What's an Eskimo's favorite card suit?
[sp]Clubs[/sp]
What's a Mexican's favorite card suit?
[sp]Spades[/sp]
What's a woman's favorite card suit?
[sp]Hearts[/sp]
[SUB][sp]just kidding, diamonds[/sp][/SUB]
Why should the terrorists have flown his plane into the Newtown elementary school? Quicker path to 72 virgins.
How many bullets does it take to kill a classroom full of kids? Depends if I pistol whip a few or not.
What's the difference between Sandy Hook and Columbine? If I shot up Columbine I wouldn't eat the bodies.
[QUOTE=Chernobyl426;38866929]Why should the terrorists have flown his plane into the Newtown elementary school? Quicker path to 72 virgins.
How many bullets does it take to kill a classroom full of kids? Depends if I pistol whip a few or not.
What's the difference between Sandy Hook and Columbine? If I shot up Columbine I wouldn't eat the bodies.[/QUOTE]
Too soon.
What's the fastest thing in Berlin during WWII?
[sp]A jew on a bike[/sp]
[QUOTE=Chernobyl426;38866929]Why should the terrorists have flown his plane into the Newtown elementary school? Quicker path to 72 virgins.
How many bullets does it take to kill a classroom full of kids? Depends if I pistol whip a few or not.
What's the difference between Sandy Hook and Columbine? If I shot up Columbine I wouldn't eat the bodies.[/QUOTE]
lolsoedgy
Don't know if I'm late, but
What's the most annoying thing about a bald vagina?
[sp] pulling the diaper up after [/sp]
[QUOTE=BanthaFodder;38867713]lolsoedgy[/QUOTE]
lolthatwasntthepointofthejoke
This is the Terrible Jokes thread. If you can't handle the cruel shit that is posted, don't go on here.
[QUOTE=deanpfr;38868383]Don't know if I'm late, but
What's the most annoying thing about a bald vagina?
[sp] pulling the diaper up after [/sp][/QUOTE]
jesus fuck I don't know why but this is the worst I've ever felt after laughing
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