A man walks into a bar in Ireland and asks the bartender, "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?"
The bartender looks up and asks him, "Well, are ye walkin' or drivin'?"
"I'm driving."
The bartender says, [sp]"Well, that's the quickest way."[/sp]
I don't think this has been posted yet.
Max Payne walks out of a bar.
-------
Why can't Micheal J. Fox draw a perfect circle?
[sp]nobody can draw a perfect circle[/sp]
-------
How do you pick up a hot Jewish girl?
[sp]with a dustpan and a brush[/sp]
-------
(I don't know if anyone will get this or not.)
What do you call winter in the concentration camps?
Springtime for Hitler.
When a doctor did a operation,the patient woke up and his skeleton was missing then the doctor was never heard from again
[QUOTE=Bradthelad96;38880564]When a doctor did a operation,the patient woke up and his skeleton was missing then the doctor was never heard from again[/QUOTE] I don't get it...
How many spins in the microwave does it take for a baby to die?
Don't know. I was busy masturbating
What greenhouse gas did Pink Floyd create?
[sp]Carbon Dioxide of the Moon[/sp]
A black boy says to his mother
"Ma, do i got da biggest dick in tha thurd grade cus i'm black?"
His mother replies
"No, it's 'cus you're nineteen!"
When I dump a japanese girl, she doesnt take me seriosly. It's like I have to [I]drop the bomb twice[/I].
How many asians does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're all busy making toys.
How many rednecks does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're all fucking deer.
How many asians can you fit in a room? Depends how fast they're reproducing in that room.
Why is Santa's sack so big?
he only comes once a year
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Police, open up!"
"You'll never take me alive pigs!"
"Put that gun down, right now!"
"FUCK YOU!!! I don't care about takin' out some cops with... AGGGHHHHH!"
"Suspect down! Where are those paramedics?" "2 minutes chief!"
"Aggghh! They'll get you for this..."
"Save it scumbag! Where are the other guys?"
"I'm not... talkin'!"
"You gonna take the fall for those creeps?"
"Why don't... you just go... to... ugghh"
"Shit!"
My kids keep on taking the piss out my Alzheimer's.
Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.
What do black guys like?
[sp]Watermelons[/sp]
What's similar about blacks and diamonds?
Blonde chicks love them both.
What do you call a virgin indian?
[sp]A 6 year old who can run faster than her uncle[/sp]
Whats a blonde girl that paints the hair brown?
Artificial inteligence
Apologies if any of these are late.
Why is making a blonde snowman so much harder than a regular snowman?
You have to hollow out the head first.
A blonde is looking for work so she walks around the neighborhood asking for jobs.
She walks up to one house and an elderly man walks out. She asks him for a job.
"Hmmm... Well, I'll tell you what," he said after some consideration, "I have some yellow paint in the back. I want you to paint my porch with that paint."
"Okay," the blonde said, and she got the paint and a paintbrush and got to work.
After about a half hour, the elderly man gets up from a nap to check on her work. He goes out onto the porch, which is entirely unpainted.
"What the...?" he says, confused, which attracts the attention of the blonde, who has yellow paint stains on her clothes. "What is the meaning of this? There's not so much as one dab of paint on this porch!"
"I don't know what you're talking about," said the blonde. "I've been working on it for a good half hour." The blonde holds her hand up to her chin, thinks, and says, "Oh, I know! It's because that isn't a Porsche, it's actually a Ferrari."
What do you say to a black abstinent woman?
Nothing, she's deaf.
What's the benefit of having friends that are twins?
If one dies, there's a spare.
A woman is out walking in a park when she notices a moderately tall tree standing alone in the center of the park, its branches sturdy and beckoning.
She decides to, as a sort of nostalgic activity, climb the tree. She was very good at it when she was younger. She was wearing sneakers, so she was fit to climb efficiently.
When she made it about halfway up, she saw a squirrel running towards her. She got frightened and slid down the tree involuntarily, getting multiple splinters stuck in her vagina. Embarrassed, she tried plucking the splinters out, which met no success. The pain was magnifying with every second, so she walked agonizingly to her car and drove to the hospital.
When she met with a doctor, he examined the situation, and told her to wait. He left the room.
After a long, painful time, the doctor returned and said, "Okay, I can remove the splinters now."
The woman was angry and yelled, "What took you so damn long? I've been sitting here for hours!"
The doctor said, "Look, I'm sorry about this wait, but put yourself in my shoes. Do you know how hard it is to get a permit to remove timber from a recreational area?"
What's yellow, black, in the air, and makes people happy?
A bus full of black people falling off a cliff.
A class of kindergartners came in from recess. One girl came in and the teacher asked, "What did you do at recess today, Molly?"
Molly said, "I played in the sandbox with Joey."
"Good," said the teacher, "spell "sand" on the chalkboard and I'll give you a cookie!"
Molly spells "sand" on the board and receives a cookie.
Then Joey comes in, and the teacher asks the same question.
"I played in the sandbox with Molly," he said.
"Good," said the teacher, "spell "box" on the chalkboard and I'll give you a cookie!"
Joey spells the word on the board and gets his cookie.
Then a black kid named Gregory comes in.
"What did you do at recess today, Gregory?" asks the teacher.
"Molly and Joey were throwing sand at me and calling me poop boy!" Gregory said, sniveling.
"What?" the teacher said, outraged. "That's racial discrimination! Spell racial discrimination on the chalkboard and I'll give you a cookie!"
Two men are having a good game of golf when a funeral procession passes by on the road. One of the golfers stands up and salutes the funeral procession, then resumes his game of golf.
The other man, impressed, says, "Wow, Larry, I didn't know you could be so polite."
"Well, it's only the proper thing to do," he said, "after all, she [I]was[/I] my wife for thirteen years."
A man walks into a bar and sees a poster advertising a challenge. Anyone who could beat the challenge received free beer for six months.
Highly interested, being a bar regular, he walks inside and asks the bartender about the challenge.
"Well," he said, washing a chipped glass, "Firs' you gah'a chug this big bah'le o' tahquila, can't shed one tear or make a face while you're ah' it, then yah gah'a mee' an alligatah' ou' back, he's gah'a sore tooth thah' be needin' removin', thah' one, an' finah'y, yah gah'a go upstairs and make love tah' mah woman, an' she beh'er repor' good things about ye too."
The man said, "I'll try it."
He picks up the bottle of tequila and chugs it down without making a face. Now quite drunk, he stumbles out to the back. Everyone hears frantic yells and yelps, both from human and non-human sources.
The man comes back with his clothes ripped and his hair messed up, and says, "Now where's that... where's that woman with the sore tooth now?"
Found this from Reddit:
[QUOTE]There were these two black guys sitting at a bar in a club, and a gay guy comes up and puts his arm around both of them and says "who wants a blow job?" both of the black guys got up and beat the living shit out of him. when they sat back down at the bar the bartender asks why did they beat him up." one of the black guys said " I don't know, he said something about jobs"[/QUOTE]
Edit:
[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/G9jtE.png[/IMG]
-snip-
[QUOTE=thelurker1234;38988940]a picture i saw.
[IMG]http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/184573_409610009109165_26789253_n.jpg[/IMG][/QUOTE]
This doesn't belong in Terrible Jokes, or in LMAO Pics. These moral justice (or whatever the fuck you want to call them) pictures have no place on Facepunch.
Sorry, you need to Log In to post a reply to this thread.
