What's the difference between Jews and cookies?
Cookies don't make good lampshades.
[QUOTE=Swog;37949468]I don't get it...[/QUOTE]
The baby is separated into...
[I]why am i even explaining this[/I]
[QUOTE=BearsAteMyCat;37949658]The baby is separated into...
[I]why am i even explaining this[/I][/QUOTE]
Oh, separated into quarters? I get it now.
[QUOTE=Atersk;37805753]Don't make holocaust jokes dude. My grandpa died in the holocaust.
[sp]He fell off of the guard tower[/sp][/QUOTE]
My grandfather died in the holocaust.
[sp]He was killed when another Nazi fell on him[/sp]
[QUOTE=TaiwanesePrick;37950062]My grandfather died in the holocaust.
[sp]He was killed when another Nazi fell on him[/sp][/QUOTE]
That's funny, because my great grandfather broke his back carrying two nazis to the morgue.
[sp]herp derp copypasta[/sp]
Women's rights.
So, a man walks into a bar
Ouch.
What was Michael Jackson's last big hit?
The Floor
(I don't know how to put spoiler cover)
[QUOTE=RidleySmash;37954928]What was Michael Jackson's last big hit?
The Floor
(I don't know how to put spoiler cover)[/QUOTE]
Sp tags. Try it out.
What's the difference between a priest and acne?
[sp]Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13. [/sp]
Have we really gotten to the point where every joke in thread has been said five times?
There's gotta be more bad jokes out there.
[QUOTE=-xxsetshotxx-;37950095]That's funny, because my great grandfather broke his back carrying two nazis to the morgue.
[sp]herp derp copypasta[/sp][/QUOTE]
in '43 my grandfather was shot looting 3 dead nazis.
Not a joke but thought this WAS hilarious. Taken from a TF2 chat log.
[QUOTE]*DEAD* Mr. Sir Swog : KEEP THEM OFF OUR BOMB ZONE!
FexotheFCO : fuck
FexotheFCO : are imposible
Player Dinkle_me left the game (Disconnect by user.)
Player iKevinmoo has joined the game
Rusty Shackleford : so many hoovies
sepulchritude : is that what were supposed to be doing? god this whole time i thought we were supposed to let them in
Mr. Sir Swog : Yes.
Mr. Sir Swog : Don't EVER LET THEM NEAR it.
sepulchritude : wowie
sepulchritude : the things you learn
sepulchritude : my eyes have been opened
Rusty Shackleford : i thought the bomb was a present
Rusty Shackleford : shit
sepulchritude : me too
Player iKevinmoo was automatically assigned to team DEFENDERS
Mr. Sir Swog : MY SIDES
Mr. Sir Swog : THEY HURT
Mr. Sir Swog : SOMEONE
Mr. Sir Swog : CALL 911
sepulchritude has bought back into the game for '35' credits!
Mr. Sir Swog has used their ÜBERCHARGE Power Up Canteen!
sepulchritude has bought back into the game for '35' credits!
sepulchritude has bought back into the game for '25' credits!
FexotheFCO : yeah
Mr. Sir Swog : You guys killed my sides.
Mr. Sir Swog : I can't move anymore
sepulchritude : im sorry
Mr. Sir Swog : Nah it's okay.
Rusty Shackleford : i apologize
Mr. Sir Swog : I'm joking
Rusty Shackleford : hahaha
sepulchritude : ok
Mr. Sir Swog : But my sides still hurt from laughter
Rusty Shackleford : does your party hat mean you party hard hoovy?
Mr. Sir Swog : Yes.
sepulchritude : i hope so[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Swog;37948417][t]https://dl.dropbox.com/u/68500821/lol/illjustthrowaway.gif[/t][/QUOTE]
yes
[editline]anus[/editline]
atleast mine was better than yours
Why do black people only eat white chocolate?
[sp]So they don't bite their fingers[/sp]
There's a picture of the Ethiopian national soccer team on everything you buy!
[sp]Just look at the bar code![/sp]
A cop on horse stops a little girl on her small bike and asks her, "did Santa get you that?" "Yes" replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $15. The little girl looks up at the cop and says "nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies "he sure did!" "Well" says the little girl, "next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
[QUOTE=LordzBacon;37958581]A cop on horse stops a little girl on her small bike and asks her, "did Santa get you that?" "Yes" replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $15. The little girl looks up at the cop and says "nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies "he sure did!" "Well" says the little girl, "next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"[/QUOTE]
Eli's Dirty Jokes?
Eli's Dirty Jokes.
[editline]8th October 2012[/editline]
So a man boards a plane and is seated next to this beautiful young woman. She's reading this book labeled "SEX AROUND THE WORLD".
The guy works up the nerve to say something to her:
"Say, that looks like an interesting book you've got there."
"Oh, it is!" She replies, "Did you know that, out of all types of people, Native Americans tend to have the longest penises?"
"Huh, no, I didn't know that." The guy says.
"Yeah, and according to this book, out of all types of people, Polish men tend to have the widest penises?"
"That's pretty interesting!" The guy says, "though, I don't believe I got your name?"
"It's Cathy" says the woman, "and you?"
The guy thinks for a split second and replies,
[sp]"Tonto Kowalski, pleased to meet you!"[/sp]
How did the Brit's figure out that Princess Diana had Dandruff?
[sp]They found her Head and Shoulders in the glovebox.[/sp]
Feel free to translate this to whichever minority or group is the butt of jokes in your local area. I've also heard this one as a blonde joke.
Two Irish builders are on a roof, tacking down the roofing felt.
Seamus stopped for a moment and looked up to see Paddy picking a tack out of his bag, looking at it and then throwing it over his shoulder. He then takes another one, looks at it and hammers it in. He continues seemingly randomly, throwing away occasional tacks, for a couple of minutes.
"Paddy, what the fuck are you doing?"
"What do you mean?"
"Throwing those tacks away."
"Oh. Loads of them are broken. Look..." he rummaged in the tack bag and pulled one out. He held it out to show Seamus, pointy end up.
"It's broken! The pointy end should be at the bottom."
Seamus shook his head and laughed.
"You fucking idiot. Those are for the other side of the roof!"
What do you call 10 black men hand in hand in a U-Turn?
[sp]A safety rail[/sp]
What do you call 1 mexican in a trash can?
[sp]Selfish, you can fit atleast 3 in there[/sp]
What's hard to beat?
[sp]a broken drum[/sp]
[editline]9th October 2012[/editline]
[I]"Hey, this match won't light."
"Well, what's wrong with it?"
"[sp]I don't know, it lit before.[/sp]"[/I]
[QUOTE=Mr Shadyface;37795179]How can you tell if your sister is on her period?
Your dads dick tastes funny.[/QUOTE]
I love Jimmy Carr
Not sure if this is late but
Why were there only around a thousand mexicans fighting in the alamo?
[sp]they only had 4 trucks[/sp]
I found Jesus!
[sp]He was in my car's trunk when I got back from Tijuana[/sp]
An Australian man is seeking to join the Australian Police Force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an Attitude Suitability Test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol, and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant.
"When can you start?"
These holocaust jokes are so bad auschwitz my computer off.
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned
over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
==
I was going to tell you all a butter joke, but I was worried you would spread it
==
[t]http://i962.photobucket.com/albums/ae109/mypcmates/viagra.jpg[/t]
Get ready to smile
Viagra's Head Office in Toronto ( Canada )
Can't accuse Canadians of not having a sense of humor
==
Step 1. Sue everybody over rounded corners
Step 2. Make sure nobody can find a corner.
==
Sometimes women are so ungrateful. I made her breakfast in bed, but instead of saying "thank you" she's all like "how did you get in my house?"
==
In our local library gents there is a sign up that reads "The cold water tap sticks, pull up, please dont let the water run".
And someone has scribbled "Get a plumber"
==
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
==
An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband
with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,
'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind
about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old B-hole what his name is.'
==
Some old lady dropped her bag outside Tesco this morning when my wife looked at me and said, "Well don't just stand there!"
So I started doing star jumps.
==
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.'
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked, 'Is there a 710 on this car?'
She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' The mechanic closed up his shop and went home.
[t]http://www.pchelpforum.com/xf/attachments/blonde-710-jpg.37494/[/t]
[editline]12th October 2012[/editline]
What did the girl get for Christmas?
[sp]My dick[/sp]
took me a second to get that blonde joke
[QUOTE=-xxsetshotxx-;38014280]took me a second to get that blonde joke[/QUOTE]
I still don't...710, seven hundred ten, seventen?
Maybe I'm looking too hard, as in "What did the girl get for Christmas?" I tried to think of clever answers then just saw "My dick"
[editline]12th October 2012[/editline]
Oh, nevermind, google is my friend
[IMG]http://www.funnyandjokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/oil-cap.jpg[/IMG]
I still don't get the "710 knob" thing
how is it funny? So the mechanic didn't know what she was talking about, so?
[editline]13th October 2012[/editline]
Also, FYI I looked it up and all i got were reposts of the same joke
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