I hate my body. Not because it's a bit overweight, that's just a side effect of what I have to deal with currently.
Hyperextension, loose ligaments, dyspraxia, my joints are loose and cracky and they often ache. I have bad balance, I have bad memory, I handwrite like a 7-year-old, and I've spent most my life inside just doing shit on the computer because i've been afraid to go outside and do stuff for three reasons; the neighbourhood I live in is shit-filled with chavs, the kind that ride bikes and pick on people walking down the street alone. The pain; the joint thing means I feel more pain, get more cramps and get tired faster than regular folk. And the time the doctor told me if I were to do something too hard, my joints could fuck up, dislocate and just be screwed forever to the point where a slap could re-dislocate.
I think my body's developed enough to deal with that last thing, but I'm still tired of my body.
Also, reader of this sentence, when you were child, how many night terrors/sleep paralysis' did you have, and for how long? Well, personally, I had them once or twice every one or two months for ten fucking years- and occasionally I'd have one or two every night for longer than a fucking week- and I can tell you that sleep is an uncomfortable thing for me. I can't sleep in silence or darkness, or else I'll start hearing/seeing stuff. The biggest reason I collected nerf guns is because I felt safer with a toy gun to shoot away the thing crawling towards me, or to shoot towards the growling at the foot of my bed, which happens when I was completely awake. Yeah, I suffered enough night terrors that my paranoia's fucking plagued me with the occasional waking hallucenation.
TL;DR: Body that feels like an old man's, and a mind that won't let me sleep.
I often complain in my head about how professional porn is just totally devoid of any sort of emotion or any sign of what sex is really about and how a amateur couple boning each other is 10,000x more hotter than it but I'm a hypocrite because I haven't stopped watching the professional stuff.
I'm actually worthless because I do nothing, I don't want kids and social interaction feels like a chore.
Whenever I'm in the middle of having a really good time I start to think about suicide a lot.
I feel like time has stopped and nothing has mattered after me and my girlfriend broke up. It's lead to some serious lack of motivation and I feel more sad than I ever have in my whole life. we didn't do anything sexual or anything because we were young, and I never cared about that anyway, but she hasn't talked to me in almost a year and there is pretty much 0 chance that I'll ever be her friend again, even though she'd still say that she is my friend so she doesn't hurt my feelings.
Also I feel like my respect for her decision to want to break up and me leaving her alone actually translates to 'I don't give a shit about her and she's not worth trying to be with again' to everyone else. Which couldn't be more wrong for me.
And every time I think about this problem, I think about how so many other people have this problem until they go with someone else so it's not a significant as I make it out to be, but the thing is that my stubbornness refuses to let this go, even though I'm pretty much 100% certain that everyone else would have moved on by now.
Guess I'm confessing that I'm a person that thinks about problems rather than acting to stop them, the worst is being aware of it and not being able to stop it.
We broke up almost 3 years ago btw.
I got caught by ex-friend for putting up her fb pics of porn site.
Kinda long story but will make it short:
Went to college 4 years ago, became friends with one girl, fell in love. Insta-friendzoned level 90.
For two years I kept trying to get out of friend zone, shes kinda bitch and she knew I am mad for her, so she kept telling me how and what she does with her boyfriends, sex life all that shit, so basically torture , I went nuts (pretty sure any sane person would go insane after 2 years of this moral torture) and posted her fb pics on porn site, forgot all about it, kinda got over her, stayed just "friends" who only talk in college sometimes.
Two years later (2 months ago) her friend browses porn site and in suggestion list her gallery shows up (what are the odds), I also managed to get her fb password so I intercepted that message as soon as she found out about it, she was on a way to police station when I went on that site and wiped out all that. (I read her reaction and what's her plan of action)
She ended up being told they can't do anything with no evidence (I wiped shit clean). She told me to pay 4000 Euro in 2 days for psychological trauma caused, I said no. She said she will tell her bf and his friends to beat me up, I said I have evidence you demand money from me, I will fill a report against you for being racketeer and doing extortion activities. (She demands money, I refuse -> I get beaten up, clear as day).
Later she forces me to drop out of college (I am perfect student, 90%+ in all exams, knowing a lot, literally best in class, 4 months left till graduation and getting diploma), so leave or she tells everyone in course what I did.
Since I was her BFF (apparently) I knew her deepest secrets she shared with me, + I have her private pics form her fb, I told her if I am going down I am taking you with me (showing everyone who knows her, her private pics and telling her secrets and telling her parents the things they shouldnt know), she shut her mouth and said she forgives me and everything is ok, I can stay in college. For 2 months now we don't talk and avoid each other at all costs.
I told all my friends about this case and they backed me up, saying she was fucking retarded knowing what I feel for her and be telling me such things.
So yeah, that's my confession, I know I am a terrible person for doing this and walking out clean out of this but well, such life.
Holy fuck, that's long story even in short version.
Sorry.
P.S - Up to this day, I am still scared of porn sites.
I'm scared of posting threads and I'm continuously in a bad mood because of my mindset of never being able to get into a relationship.
I enjoy [URL="http://amzn.to/1zdwtqg"]Power Girl comics[/URL] (not just for the obvious reason, they're fun and funny) but am too awkward to buy any of them because I don't want people to think ill of me. Even in the library I did the stupid "hold another book in front of the one you're reading" thing.
I keep my hunting knife in nightstand near bed. It gives me sence of comfort at night, and i also enjoy to scrub my face with it time to time.
I have been lied to way too much as a child which leaves me to believe no matter what a person says, I will have some sort of doubt in the back of my mind that they're lying and often leaves me with trust issues.
I also tend to, when at happy occasions, connect thoughts that lead me from being happy to being depressed in no time.
When i succeed in doing something i sometimes laugh like a cartoon villain.
[QUOTE=usaokay;46903775]Sometimes when I'm alone in an elevator, I dance to relieve any stress.[/QUOTE]
I know what I'm doing now.
Also, i'd like to confess I am looking forward to "Hatred" the game
I hate being naked, even when I'm alone.
[QUOTE=X-tra;46938222]I hate being naked, even when I'm alone.[/QUOTE]
Same here, I get all paranoid and shit and start thinking people are looking through the windows
I haven't had a haircut in over 10 years and it's nearly 4ft long, I've been told by women on more than a few occasions that I give them 'hair envy'.
I'd like to move out as soon as I can :((
Preferably I plan on living with friend(s).
[QUOTE=Damian0358;46932429]I like listening to music and doing one of the following things: Dancing to it, lip-syncing to it, fighting to it, conduct to it, etc.
I'm not really social. I also have low self-esteem. I spend most my time online, something which has been a constant in my life since my early days of my life.
When I don't have anything to do, I walk around in circles. People have called me out regarding this.
I'm pale. People like to call me a vampire because of it.
I have zoophobia. I have no idea how it developed, but every time I'm near an animal, whether it is large or small, I have this irrational fear it is going to do something to me. I've managed to handle it, as I can walk past most animals nowadays. But if said animal is overactive, like a playful puppy or dogs chasing eachother, I have to change my course in order to avoid getting close to them.
I'm self conscious, but I'm apathetic to it. I might notice an issue or a problem within my life and not do anything about it.
I contemplate a lot. Whether it be about my own life, about my near future or about current happenings within the world. I even contemplate about potential future scenarios that might happen, but never do because I don't follow said scenarios to the T. Sometimes I think of so many scenarios that I have to snap myself out of my head and back into reality.
[/QUOTE]
Are you literally me? All these things apply to me as well holy shit
When I lived in Germany several years back, I used to live next door to a friendly old man. The catch?
During WW2, he was a member of the Waffen SS.
:v:
Having a crush. Get to chat/talk. Blush.
End up with nothing... (Edit: I just don't dare to say anything. Afraid of messing up, or that anyone finds out)
Man, I hope Wednessday I will be a winner (Going to ask her out to the cinema :downs::dance::downs: )
I was (am?) a legend on Evony.com, which is a shit browser rts with pay-to-win mechanics. Anyway some context.
In the server I was on, there was a mega alliance of two "guilds" that ruled the server, DOMINATION and Empire (Can't remember their names but that is close enough). These alliances were filled with the meanest, vile, and stuck-up players that the game has ever spawned. They were unstoppable, taking over player city after city, massacring their soldiers and subjecting their cities to the harshest "suzerain" status possible (aka striping as much resources and gold as they can). Then they target the alliance I was a part of, the Wolfpack. We were just a few causal players who simply wanted to play the game and had a bit of a commonwealth going on, and were totally unprepared for the declaration of war and resulting invasion. We scattered to the wind, using a teleportation item that sent you and your city to a random spot on the map, only, I had already used mine to get to my present location. So I did the only option available to me, I accepted colony status (aka got conquered but was allowed to keep my army and they [I]only[/I] stripped about 75% of my resources.) In exchange I was forced to abandon my alliance and join theirs, this being Empire.
Anyway, I was burning for revenge, but I couldn't do anything in my current state. I kept contact with my old friends, who then put me in contact with a loose large alliance of actually good players who banded together to fight the "Axis of evil" aka DOMINATION and Empire. Suddenly I became a spy, feeding them any information that I could get my hands on, but it wasn't enough, more and more members of this rebel alliance fell everyday. It seemed hopeless.
Than, I learned the secret to their success, a website with a ever-updating map of the entire server and positions of each player. This was a huge advantage, as it let them plan out strategies and attacks in detail. Once I learned of it, I signed up posing as a senior member, and it worked! Not only that, they gave me admin status! I began to funnel information to the rebels, and the tide began to change. Suddenly Empire found their targets teleporting to safety just before their invasion, ambushes were launched against their armies, and every plan fell apart before it even gained steam. There was mass confusion, both on their forums and in-game. I was single-handedly rendering their war engine useless.
Of course all good things come to an end, and I was found out after attempting my greatest sabotage yet. While shifting through their plans, I discovered a mass invasion plan on DOMINATION, their allies and co-assholes. This was too perfect to be true! If I leaked this plan to the leader of Domination, than both would suddenly be locked in a deadly fight to the death, giving the rebel alliance the advantage! Off I sent a message detailing the plans to the leader of domination, thinking that this would be the deathblow to the evil alliance. I was wrong.
They didn't believe it, worse, they outed me out to Empire. Suddenly, I was kicked out of the alliance, declarations of war were issued, and a massive (and frankly, overkill) army sent to wipe me off the map. But I still had an ace up my sleeve, two in fact. One was a lucky teleportation item I won in a lucky lottery, and the other was the website itself. I was still an admin there, so I banned and removed all other members, reset the password, and hauled ass of with it to the Rebel alliance. I was welcomed as a hero, now the enemies deadliest weapon was ours! Empire was undoubtedly pissed off to hell about this, as my inbox soon filled to the brim with death threats and "We will chase you to the end of the earth!" shit. It is at this time that I decide to retire, becoming inactive due to school starting up and shit like that.
A month later I logged back in, and found the axis of evil in tatters, the rebel alliance supreme! How did this happen I asked? Well, soon after I disappeared from the radar, Empire turned their rage not against the rebel alliance, but DOMINATION, proving that they were backstapping asshats the entire time. But without their secret weapon, their invasion stalled, and eventually became a stalemate comparable to WWI. Then, using the secret weapon, the Rebel alliance attacked both at their weakest, sending them both into disorganized panic. Their leaders fell early on, and the whole rotten beast blew apart. Suddenly the juggernauts who had ruled over the server with an iron fist saw themselves as barely a ripple in the pool, and numerous players found that they once again had what had been taken from them, their freedom. Peace descended on the server for the first time since it first went online, and continued until the great schism of 2011 which broke apart the rebel alliance into numerous nation states constantly warring with each other. Nowadays, I have no idea.
I last logged in in late 2011, nearly a year since the fall of the giants. I was immediately greeted by grateful players, and I have to say it was one of the proudest moments of my life. The server echoed with the legend of the Lone Wolf, the one player who brought down not one but two Empires, and brought peace to the land.
^ Holy shit I didn't think anyone actually fell for those stupid "Play now, my Lord" sites.
[QUOTE=Captain Kep;46939502]I was (am?) a legend on Evony.com, which is a shit browser rts with pay-to-win mechanics. Anyway some context...[/QUOTE]
dude my mom plays that game
I played it a long time ago, I haven't touched it in years
And this was before the "Play now, my lord" shit, when it was actually halfway decent and not totally Pay-to-Win.
I usually try to juggle things like scissors or knives for no real reason, only to fail at it.
I also sometimes pretend to be Ainsley Harriott while cooking.
I talk about random crap with my alter ego when I'm alone.
Thanks to being the dumbest 14/15/16 yr old ever I'm now stuck with this dumb ass username, not just on here but places like flickr too
I fear that I'm too boring / have a lack of personality.
I have chronic depression related to my fear of fucking up my future.
I don't know if I'm entirely myself if I compare my public school years compared to college, related to the first point. Like, I would re-enact pokemon battles in person with friends and make up our own roleplaying fantasy /sci-fi shit on a daily basis (Insert ~6 years of stuff here) and now I'm more stuck in relying on external stimulation to even start getting a shred of an idea for something to do.
The ~6 years of stuff is half my fuck-up, half run-in with the devil in disguise that extended what might have been just 2-4 years. People knowing what happened is not legally beneficial to me so I'll leave it at that.
my shirt isn't really a subdued blue, its a black and blue plaid design that i just never wanted to color properly
also im not short and fat, im tall and only slightly chubby
i lied to all of you
I'm really small for my age (under 6 feet, less than 135 pounds)
I'm also really shy and awkward in person
When I was four, I almost drowned. I spent the next eight years unable to swim and being terrified of going more then two feet in water.
At the age of three, my dad got me a halloween themed teddy bear that I called "pumpkin bear" because of it's jack-o-latern theme, and I always kept it next to my pillow up until I was sixteen... One night my sister brought over her dog, and it went into my room and tore my teddy bear apart. I originally tried to get my mom to stitch it back up, but because of how bad it was, she was unable to do much outside of patching it up. I kept it like that for another month before my sister came over again, and her dog tore it up again. This time the damage was so bad that it wasn't fixable, and I ended up going into my room and blacked out from being upset.
For the next year, I never figured out what happened to it, and I was later told that I ended up walking out of my room again and begging my mom to fix it, and when she said she couldn't I dropped it on the ground crying, and went back to my room. They threw it away, and never told me thinking I remembered. I spent roughly six hours shuffling through my childhood boxes in my room as I was leaving Arizona in a frantic fear that I lost it, and when I found out what happened, I walked out into the desert and spent about an hour crying.
Sorry, you need to Log In to post a reply to this thread.
