What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
One is an edible substance and the other a person that believes in Judaism.
Why did the Pokémon go to the doctor?
Because his bulb-was-sore!
A man walks into a bar and sees a horse in the corner.
The man goes up to the bartender and says, "I bet you $50 I can make that horse laugh." The bartender says, "Go for it."
The man walks over to the horse, and afew moments later the horse is laughing like crazy. The man goes back to the bartender, who reluctantly hands over the money.
The man looks at the horse, who is still laughing, then looks back at the bartender and says, "Now I bet you $50 I can make that horse cry." The bartender says, "Ok do it."
The man walks back over to the horse, and afew moments later the horse is crying and wailing.
The bartender gives the man the money and asks, "How did you make the horse laugh?" The man says, "I told him that my penis was bigger than his." The bartender then asks, "How did you make him cry?"
The man says, "I showed him."
:v:
[QUOTE=salty peanut]A man walks into a bar and sees a horse in the corner.
The man goes up to the bartender and says, "I bet you $50 I can make that horse laugh." The bartender says, "Go for it."
The man walks over to the horse, and afew moments later the horse is laughing like crazy. The man goes back to the bartender, who reluctantly hands over the money.
The man looks at the horse, who is still laughing, then looks back at the bartender and says, "Now I bet you $50 I can make that horse cry." The bartender says, "Ok do it."
The man walks back over to the horse, and afew moments later the horse is crying and wailing.
The bartender gives the man the money and asks, "How did you make the horse laugh?" The man says, "I told him that my penis was bigger than his." The bartender then asks, "How did you make him cry?"
The man says, "I showed him."
:v:[/QUOTE]
I haven't heard that one since Page 3.
I didn't know that one was the same joke because it was worded differently
[QUOTE=JamesIsGay]What's worse than a worm in your apple?
[sp]The Holocaust[/sp][/QUOTE]
I'm Jewish and I laughed.
So two jews walk into an oven...
184 screwdrivers walk into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here"
So, the 184 screwdrivers walked out of the bar, they never came back.
For the rest of his life the bartender wondered "How the hell did 184 screwdrivers walk into my bar?"
How do you kill half the mexican population?
[sp]Throw a penny off a cliff.[/sp]
How do you kill the other half?
[sp]Tell them it's still there.[/sp]
[QUOTE=salty peanut]A man walks into a bar and sees a horse in the corner.
The man goes up to the bartender and says, "I bet you $50 I can make that horse laugh." The bartender says, "Go for it."
The man walks over to the horse, and afew moments later the horse is laughing like crazy. The man goes back to the bartender, who reluctantly hands over the money.
The man looks at the horse, who is still laughing, then looks back at the bartender and says, "Now I bet you $50 I can make that horse cry." The bartender says, "Ok do it."
The man walks back over to the horse, and afew moments later the horse is crying and wailing.
The bartender gives the man the money and asks, "How did you make the horse laugh?" The man says, "I told him that my penis was bigger than his." The bartender then asks, "How did you make him cry?"
The man says, "I showed him."
:v:[/QUOTE]
Bitch be stealin' ma joke but wording it in a way that it can almost be considered a entirely seperate joke!
[b]Three Men on an Island with Cannibals[/b]
Three men are on a plane that crashes on an island. They are the only ones who survive. They are greeted by cannibals who tell them that they must complete a set of tasks for them and then they'll be let go. The men agree. The cannibal tribe leader tells them they first must gather 10 of a single type of fruit (10 bananas, etc.) and then meet back up with the cannibals.
The first man comes back with 10 oranges. Then they tell them he must stick the fruits up his ass for 30 seconds and then they'll let him go, but if he makes any noise or does anything, he will be killed. He doesn't last a second, so they kill him.
The second man comes back with 10 grapes. The cannibals tell him what to do. He lasts for about 25 seconds, but then he starts laughing, so they kill him.
The first and second guy meet up in heaven. The first man says: "What happened? You were so close!" The second guy: "I saw the other guy coming back with pineapples."
[b]The Priest and the Golfer[/b]
So a priest and a golfer go golfing. They go to up to the first hole to golf. The priest hits it onto the green. The golfer hits it in the rough.
The golfer: "Damn. I missed."
The Preist: "You shouldn't swear. God doesn't like profanity."
So they go to the second hole. The priest hits it on the green again. The golfer hits it into a sand trap.
The golfer: "Damn. I missed again."
The priest: "What did I tell you? God will get mad at you."
So they go to the third hole. The priest hits it on the green and the golfer hits it into the water.
The golfer: "Damn, I missed AGAIN!"
The priest: "God will smite you down the next time you say it."
So they go to the 4th hole. The golfer misses again while the priest still manages to hit it on the green.
The golfer: "Damn! I missed!"
All of a sudden the sky gets dark and thunder roars. Then a single bolt of lightning struck down and hit and killed the priest.
The golfer: "What happened? Why did you kill the priest and not me?"
God: "Damn. I missed."
[b]3 Doors of Hell[/b]
A man gets killed in a car accident and goes to hell. Satan greets him there and tells him that he must choose one of 3 doors to stay in for eternity. The man cooperates and asks to take a look at the first door. Satan opens it and it's a group of people standing on their heads on carpet. "Ouch, that would hurt. Let's take a look at the next one."
So Satan opens the 2nd door and it's a group of people standing on their heads on cement. "Ouch, that would [i]really[/i] hurt. Let's take a look at the last one.
So Satan opens the third door and it's a group of people standing knee-deep in cow shit drinking coffee. "Well. I like coffee, and I could get used to the smell... I guess I'll take this one."
So he grabs a cup of coffee and comes back and enjoys it. 15 minutes later Satan creeks the door open and says "Alright, coffee break's over, heads down!"
[b]A blonde joke:[/b]
So three astronauts are sitting together discussing upcoming space missions.
The American: We're planning on colonizing the moon for the first time and settling there.
The Russian: Oh yea? Well we're going to land on Mars and colonize there.
The Blonde: You guys are lame. We're going to colonize the Sun.
The Russian: Haha, you idiot. You can't land on the Sun, you'll burn up!
The Blonde: Duh, that's why we're going at night.
...
What did one testicle say to the other?
[sp]"Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's a dick"[/sp]
[QUOTE=JohnFrink22]What's gayer than a gay French guy?
A straight French guy :excited: :excited: Wow, I'm extremely funny today :q:[/QUOTE]
Idiots. I'ma French. That's you bullshit of excited american. LOL.
-------------- [b]You are going to get unbanned![/b] ------------------
A cucumber, a carrot, and a penis are all discussing about how hard life is for them.
The cucumber says "You know what sucks? When I get big fat and juicy they chop me up and put me in salad."
The carrot replies, "Pfft. You think you got it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy they chop me up, put me in boiling water and then put me in stew."
The penis replies, "Heh. You guys think you got it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy they throw a tarp over my head, put me in a dark moist cave and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and pass out."
some chav told me this one the other day, I lol'd. Ahem
[b]a guy asks for a tattoo of a 100 doller bill on his cock,
the tattoo artist says "why the hell do you want that?"
and the guy replies "because I like playing with my money,
also because I like to watch my money grow"
the tattoo artist, still looking a bit confused asks "anything else?"
the guy replies "well my wife likes to go out saturday nights and blow money, so now she can stay home and do it instead"[/b]
-snip'd- post too long :q:
Whats the difference between Obama and Mufasa?
Ones an african lion and ones a lying african!
Why don't women wear watches?
There is a clock on the oven!
:ahaw:
I don't remember exactly how this one goes, but it's something like this
Monday at school, a boy came in late for class. The teacher asked him "Timmy, where have you been?" Timmy says "On top of Blueberry Hill," the teacher excuses him and he sits down at his desk.
The next day, another boy comes in late. The teacher says "Jimmy, where have you been?" Jimmy says "On top of Blueberry Hill." The teacher excuses him as well, and he goes to his desk.
The day after that, a new girl comes into class. The teacher says, "Ah, you must be our new student, what's your name?" The girl says "Blueberry Hill."
There’s this guy at a bar and he’s been drinking for a while. It’s now relatively late now and he notices a jar full of hundred dollar bills, he asks the bartender “what’s up with the jar of money?” and he replies “There’s a three step challenge to get the jar of money, the first step is to knock out that burly man over there in one punch. The second step is to go to the Rottweiler down in the basement and pull out his loose tooth. The third step is to go across the street to the old hobo lady and have sex with her… Are you up to the challenge?” the guy replies “*hic* sure I’ll do it” so he goes off and slugs the burly man and knocks him out in one punch, he then goes down into the basement to the Rottweiler and there is screaming and yelping and the sound of things getting knocked over. He then emerges from the basement in a daze and asks “alright, where’s the lady with the loose tooth!?“
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
[sp]because she was a women[/sp]
Why did hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
[QUOTE=HARDCORERAPE]some chav told me this one the other day, I lol'd. Ahem
[b]a guy asks for a tattoo of a 100 doller bill on his cock,
the tattoo artist says "why the hell do you want that?"
and the guy replies "because I like playing with my money,
also because I like to watch my money grow"
the tattoo artist, still looking a bit confused asks "anything else?"
the guy replies "well my wife likes to go out saturday nights and blow money, so now she can stay home and do it instead"[/b][/QUOTE]
Heh. Doller.
A man walks into a bar
oww
So I was walking down the street the other day, and this guy came up to me and exclaimed, "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!" So I said "Calm down man, you're too tents!"
Ah...I <3 /silly. :)
If honey bees make honey then what kind of bees make milk?
Boobees.
:v:
It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The teacher asked Susie what she did today. ''Well, I played in the sandbox,'' she said. The teacher said, ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie.'' So Susie did.
Then Billy came in and the teacher asked what he did. ''I played in the sandbox with Susie,'' he said. ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie,'' the teacher said. So Billy did.
Then the little Russian boy came in, the teacher asked him and he replied , ''Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Billy and Susie were throwing rocks at me.'' The teacher said, ''Well, that sounds like racial discrimination. If you can spell that, I'll give you a cookie.':v:
A farmer returns to his home with a pig by his side. The wife opens the door and the farmer says, "This is the cow I've been sleeping with"
The wife, confused, says, "But that's not a cow. That's a pig."
The farmer replies, "I wasn't talking to you."
What room in a house can ghosts not go into????
THE LIVING ROOM!
:(
"What do you call a centipede and a parrot?"
A WALKIE-TALKIE!
[QUOTE=tasty-man]It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The teacher asked Susie what she did today. ''Well, I played in the sandbox,'' she said. The teacher said, ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie.'' So Susie did.
Then Billy came in and the teacher asked what he did. ''I played in the sandbox with Susie,'' he said. ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie,'' the teacher said. So Billy did.
Then the little Russian boy came in, the teacher asked him and he replied , ''Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Billy and Susie were throwing rocks at me.'' The teacher said, ''Well, that sounds like racial discrimination. If you can spell that, I'll give you a cookie.':v:[/QUOTE]
It took a while but I got it
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