There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except �" said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
What does a black kid get for Christmas?
YOUR bike!
:V.
One day in Rome, The pope had came down with a disease and was terribly sick, the preists called in a doctor to try and find out what was wrong with the pope.
after a couple hours of checking; the doctor said to the priests and the pope "It is at the worst case; if you don't have sex in a weeks time, you will die." The pope was angered by this because he wanted to stay pure... but after a few hours of raging on; he accepted it.
He gathered his priests and said "Before I have sex, I need you to find me a woman with these 4 features:
1. she must be deaf; so she cannot hear me... "Yes yes, we can do that" said the pirests.
2. She must be blind; so she cannot see me... "Of course" said the priests
3. She must be mute; so she cannot speak about what happened "Yes yes, We will do that" uttered the priests.
"What is the 4th imperative then?" said one of the priests.
The pope said "She must have big tits".
_____________________________________________________________________________________
3 groups of friends were out in the middle east when they came across a tent; when they opened up the tent, they discovered that it was filled to the brink of hot naked women... so a few hours in, everyone was partying and having a good time... untill the shiekh walked in... he screamed out "What is the meaning of this!? what are you men doing with my girls!?"
After a few moments of shouting; the sheikh lines them up... he walks to the first one and says:
"YOU! what is you occupation" the man then said "I am a fire-man"
The sheikh said "Then we will burn your penis off"
He walks up to the second man and says "How about you!?" The man gulped and said "I am a police officer" The shiekh then spat out "Then we will shoot your penis off."
The sheikh then walks uup to the 3rd man and says "What about you!?"
The man smiles smugly and says "I am a lolly pop salesman".
Okay, I need to think of some more.
[QUOTE=Alteir;12522458]2 parts hydrogen 2 parts oxygen?
What is that?
hydroxygen
[/QUOTE]
dihydrogen dioxide
It doesnt exist though, since the only possible bond between hydrogen and oxygen is either hydrogen dioxide (H2O) or hydrogen monoxide (HO).
[QUOTE=A-Bomb;14041439]dihydrogen dioxide
It doesnt exist though, since the only possible bond between hydrogen and oxygen is either hydrogen dioxide (H2O) or hydrogen monoxide (HO).[/QUOTE]
It's called Hydrogen Peroxide, and it does exist.
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrogen_peroxide[/url]
[QUOTE=tasty-man;12754317]A man walks into a bar
oww[/QUOTE]
A masochist walks into a bar.
Yay!
[QUOTE=Magic_Poptarts;14041931]It's called Hydrogen Peroxide, and it does exist.
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrogen_peroxide[/url][/QUOTE]
Zing.
one day a boy walks in on his mum fucking her new boyfriend, he walks on.
the next day the couple hear noises from his room, they walk in finding the boy fucking and old woman. he says "how do you like it when its your mum!!"
A man walks into a bar.
A seal walks into a club.
Think about those. After 5-10 seconds you'll lol I'm sure.
[QUOTE=mikeyt493;14061755]A man walks into a bar.
A seal walks into a club.
Think about those. After 5-10 seconds you'll lol I'm sure.[/QUOTE]
you beat men and seals? you are an evil, evil person O.O
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
[QUOTE=Soledron;14062725]When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."[/QUOTE]
Dude, that's Beethoven. Mozart wrote 43 symphonies.
[QUOTE=!LORD M!;14063181]Dude, that's Beethoven. Mozart wrote 43 symphonies.[/QUOTE]
Still funny :v
INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
_________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
____________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
___________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?
-- Actually read this it is hilarious....
Potassium went into the kitchen to get a drink he got water and drank it then he exploded
Science people science AND THE PERIODIC TABLE [img]http://d2k5.com/sa_emots/emot-wal.gif[/img]
Two guys walk into a bar...
ba-dum-TISH!
"god"
hahahahahahaha
I found this joke on the internet...written by a 5 year old.
What did the tomato say to the spoon?
Give me back my face!
Can I have a "B"
Later John gets stung.
Not that funny, pretty lame that...
A boy comes home from school one day and says to his mum: "Mummy, mummy! I know god's name!"
His mother says "God has no name sweetheart." But the boy persists and eventually the mother says "Okay then, whats his name?"
"It's Harold!"
"Why Harold?"
Because we studied religion today- we did the lords prayer:
Oh lord who art in heaven,
Harold be thy name...
ba-bumb
Why do Jews have big noses?
Because the air is free
jew jokes stopped being funny a long time ago
Mike gets pulled over for doing 80 in a 65. Cop walks up to his car, and asks Mike "do you know why I pulled you over?" Mike replies "yes, I was speeding". The officer asks him for his license, registration and proof of insurance. Mike replies "I have no license, officer. My name is Mike Johnson". "OK, Mike. Let's see your registration". "Well officer, I would usually just reach into the glove box and retrieve the registration but not only is this car not mine, but the gun I used to kill the driver is in the glove box, and the body is in the trunk." The cop backs up, draws his weapon and asks Mike to exit the car. Mike gets cuffed, and sat down on the side of the road. The cop calls in his Sargent and backup. Backup arrives, and the Sargent pulls the arresting officer aside for a short time and then walks over to Mike. "Well Mike, I understand that you have no license, and this is not your car, there is a weapon in the glove box that was used to kill the driver, who is in the trunk." Mike gets an amazed look on his face, and says "My valid license is in my wallet, my registration is in the glove box, and there is surely no body in the trunk." The Sargent checks his license, which checks out. Then pops the glove box, no weapon and therein sits his valid registration. No body in the trunk either. "Mike, what is going on here? No body, no gun, it's your car? My officer here says....." Mike cuts him off by saying "Yeah, and I bet that motherfucker told you I was speeding, too!"
In 2006 a mysterious package appeared outside a U.S Military Headquarters, the bomb squad was called and ended up blowing it up with a controlled explosion. They later found out it was a bunch of letters explaining how to deal with a mysterious package.
The Maccabees' battle with the Syrian Greeks was by no means the last of the Jews' woes over religious persecution. This story is told about a disputation in medieval Italy between the Pope and an old rabbi.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate, a disputation, with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave. The Jewish community met and picked a wise, aged rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian or Latin, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, both sides agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the rabbi sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked straight at him and raised one finger.
Then the Pope waved his finger around his head, and the rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
Next, the Pope then brought out a communion wafer and signaled to a bishop, who brought him a chalice of wine. The rabbi reached into his pocket and pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope turned white, stood up, and declared that he was beaten, that the rabbi was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked what had happened, why the Church had lost.
The Pope told them, "First I held up three fingers to show that I represent the Holy Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then I waved my finger around my head to tell him that God was universal, that He was all around us. The Jew responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. So, I showed him the wine and wafer to prove that God absolves us of all our sins. But the rabbi produced an apple to remind me of our original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community were celebrating and gathered around the rabbi.
"What happened?" they wanted to know.
"Well," said the rabbi, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, 'No, we're fucking staying."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "We broke for lunch."
[QUOTE=JohnnyMo1;12520375]Two atoms walk into a bar. The one says to the other, "I've lost an electron." The second one says, "Are you sure?" To which the first responds, "I'm positive."[/QUOTE]
good one wadsworth!
[editline]9th November 2010[/editline]
Canadian Civil war
[QUOTE=photon_man62;25953901]The Maccabees' battle with the Syrian Greeks was by no means the last of the Jews' woes over religious persecution. This story is told about a disputation in medieval Italy between the Pope and an old rabbi.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate, a disputation, with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave. The Jewish community met and picked a wise, aged rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian or Latin, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, both sides agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the rabbi sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked straight at him and raised one finger.
Then the Pope waved his finger around his head, and the rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
Next, the Pope then brought out a communion wafer and signaled to a bishop, who brought him a chalice of wine. The rabbi reached into his pocket and pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope turned white, stood up, and declared that he was beaten, that the rabbi was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked what had happened, why the Church had lost.
The Pope told them, "First I held up three fingers to show that I represent the Holy Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then I waved my finger around my head to tell him that God was universal, that He was all around us. The Jew responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. So, I showed him the wine and wafer to prove that God absolves us of all our sins. But the rabbi produced an apple to remind me of our original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community were celebrating and gathered around the rabbi.
"What happened?" they wanted to know.
"Well," said the rabbi, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, 'No, we're fucking staying."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "We broke for lunch."[/QUOTE]
Sneaky jewish guy
[QUOTE=Tinter;12521844]Why do they invent white choclate?
So the black doens´t bite their own fingers hahahahaha.
It´s not only fun [b]IT`S TRUE![/b]
sorry if anybody felt offended.
Saw on some danish tv show about two nazi´s.[/QUOTE]
so this guy looses his mom and then her body came back with a lot of holes filled with cum, hahahaha
sorry if anybody felt offended, just saw it on a tv show.
Bump
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