You're so ugly you have to sneak up on the mirror.
One evening a drunk walks into a bar, sits down and happens to notice a 12-inch tall man standing a few feet away from him. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him: "What the hell is that?"
The guy replies: "He's a pianist!"
"No way," the drunk says, "You're pulling my leg"
So, the guy next to him picks up the 12-inch man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man starts hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.
"That guy is great," the drunk says. "Where did you get him"?
The man told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it until a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
Inspired by the story, the drunk runs out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it. When the genie finally pops out the drunk says: "I wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead crapping all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing.
"You bastard," he says. "I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden a million ducks appeared and started crapping all over my new suit."
The man started laughing and wildly exclaimed: "You don't really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist, do you?"
[QUOTE=DuncanFrost;16649652]A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
"First I come out, wearing a tuxedo, playing Brahms. Just as the music reaches a crescendo, my wife in an evening gown runs on stage and undresses me before dancing provocatively on top of the piano.
Just as I finish playing the song with my cock, my wife strips and does a backflip off the piano in a split on stage. Once her naked ass hits the floor, my 7 year old daughter and 13 year old son rush on stage juggling flaming lawn darts. My wife does a handstand and catches the lawn darts in her cunt, she then manages to queef them out, making her the third part of this juggling act.
The queefs force her to squeeze out a few turds, which I eagerly start smearing on my naked body, which arouses me quickly. Once I'm fully aroused my daughter and son take turns blowing me while my wife straps on a monstrous dildo and begins reaming each child while i ejaculate in the eyes of my offspring.
Once I cum, I run into the audience, shit-covered body still sticky with cum and grab my parents and in-laws to involve them into the act. I strip them all nude and instruct them to start a circle jerk while screaming racial slurs. So my mother and father-in-law start screaming, "Fuck the niggers" while mutually masturbating, and my father and mother-in-law begin diddling one another and chanting, "I hate spics and jews!" Once they reach a geriatric climax, my wife uses their ejaculate to lube up her fist which she uses to start fisting me.
As my asshole is violated, I start playing double dutch with my kids, and once they get tangled in the ropes, start a torrid 69. All the sucking and slurping cause my in-laws and parents to get aroused again and they start sodomizing and fisting one another.
My wife at this point has completely started dry-heaving, so she vomits all over my ass and my back. I line up each of my family members who take turns licking the chunks of spew off my back and out of my ass.
By now my children have to defecate so I tell them to shit in each other's favorite orifices. My son, ever the trooper takes a thick, dense shit in his sister's vagina while my daughter shits in my son's nose.
My young daughter also conveniently starts her menstrual cycle shortly thereafter, and the menses and boy-shit in her cunt make for great lube, as each of my in-laws begin fucking my daughter. My son, blinded in shit, heads back to the piano and does his best Stevie Wonder impression while my wife runs back into the audience to grab a toddler from the crowd.
She begins stuffing this child into her vagina, while my parents begin screaming how she's possessed by Satan and start performing a nude exorcism on her. The power of christ compels them to kill the toddler, which also makes it easier to cram into my wife's lovehole.
By now, I'm so horny and aroused that I start fucking the dead baby inside my wife while my young son starts licking my asshole and fingering his paternal grandparents. My in-laws finish abusing my daughter and start wrestling each other, which culminates in a huge powerbomb through the piano bench. The impact shatters my mother-in-law's hips, leaving her crippled.
The strain of the throw caused my father's bad heart to seize, and he collapses in a heap on the stage. As he gurgles and foams at the mouth, my daughter runs over and begins rubbing her shit covered pussy lips all over my crippled mother-in-law.
My wife grabs the wooden shards of the piano bench and begins playing her father's dying body like a xylophone. My son pulls his tongue out of my asshole and begins sucking his dying grandfather's cock.
I diall 911 and call for the paramedics who revive my father-in-law and then take turns fucking my daughter and eating the menses and shit out of her tight cunt.
Once he's conscious we all assemble in a large circle holding hands and chanting gibberish before launching into a rousing group impression of 'A Downs Syndrome' perspective on the horrors of the holocaust, 9/11 and the bombing of Pearl Harbor.
As we're moaning and screaming, my son runs off-stage to get the family dog. The dog runs over to my crippled mother-in-law and begins peeing on her. Once the dog finishes leaving her in a puddle of piss, my daughter stops blowing the paramedics to light the dog on fire.
The dog yelps and howls before collapsing. My son runs over to fuck the burnt corpse while screaming, "White is right!"as my daughter begins goose-stepping around the stage, squeezing shit out of her cunt and offering Nazi salutes to the audience.
My father-in-law begins raping my father, claiming that he's doing it for the forgotten Vietnam vets and POWs. My mother puts my crippled mother-in-law on her shoulders as I put my wife on my shoulders and we play a game of naked chicken.
Once my son finishes fucking the dead dog. He takes the pieces of the piano bench and begins crucifying the corpse. Once the dog is hung like jesus, he begins weeping at the foot of the cross, saying, "Why my god have you forsaken me?"
My daughter mounts the top of the crucifix, using it as a wooden dildo. My parents, my in-laws and my wife join hands at the center of the stage and start singing "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music"
I grab the lawn darts and shove one up everyone's ass before heading back to the piano to finish off the show with a rendition of Freebird."
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
:rimshot:[/QUOTE]
....the fuck did I just read....
Why did the Horse cross the road?
It was the chickens day off.
how did the black man cross the road
there was grape juice on the other side
INCOMING PERVERTED JOKES:
Your mom is like a shotgun, one cock and she's ready to blow.
Your mom is like a T.V, even 6 year olds can turn her on.
whats the difference between a jew and a car wheel? both screams when you give full gas :v:
What can a man can do that a woman can't?.
Anything but beer, women and sports.
Sorry for baby joke, but I haven't seen it yet:
What's the difference between a driveway and a baby?
[SP]I pull out of my driveway[/SP]
[QUOTE=bag-face;17877144]....the fuck did I just read....[/QUOTE]
[url]http://uploads.ungrounded.net/452000/452946_aristocrats.swf[/url]
Why did Hitler commit suicide?
He got the gas bill!
:v:
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect
A baby seal walked into a club.
A man walks into a bar.
He realises that his job sucks, his friends suck, but his wife doesn't. :p
A Nazi officer is addressing a group of Jews who just arrived at a concentration camp.
"I have some good news and I have some bad news." He says. "Good news is: You all will be spending the rest of your lives in luxurious hotels all over the world. The bad news is: You'll be soap."
A mexican and 2 black guys are in a car. Who's driving?
[sp]The cop[/sp]
Why do medicine bottles have cotton balls in them?
[sp]To remind the black people that they were once cotton pickers before they became drug dealers[/sp]
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch.
They say more money needs to be put into fire stations.
A poll was taken by the government.
All the firefighters fell through the hole in the floor.
[QUOTE=Nautsabes;17939386]A Nazi officer is addressing a group of Jews who just arrived at a concentration camp.
"I have some good news and I have some bad news." He says. "Good news is: You all will be spending the rest of your lives in luxurious hotels all over the world. The bad news is: You'll be soap."[/QUOTE]
Oh my god that was the funniest thing after that huge story.
[QUOTE=Nautsabes;17939386]A Nazi officer is addressing a group of Jews who just arrived at a concentration camp.
"I have some good news and I have some bad news." He says. "Good news is: You all will be spending the rest of your lives in luxurious hotels all over the world. The bad news is: You'll be soap."[/QUOTE]
Haha, after watching the 1955 French Documentary about what the SS did with dead Jews, that joke seems much funnier. I'm clearly a bad person.
What is the best time to eat reindeer meat?
[sp]When you're hungry.[/sp]
Three women are eating ice cream. One's sucking it, one's biting it, and one's licking it. Which one is married?
[sp]The one with the wedding ring[/sp]
i man walk into a nice place...
[sp]and get out from another place[/sp]
What do you call a black man on the moon?
A problem
What do you call all black men on the moon?
Solution to a problem.
I hate racist jokes, but that one made me grin
What's brown and sticky?
[QUOTE=cortzxxx;17944428]What's brown and sticky?[/QUOTE]
Yo momma
What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream in the oven.
What do nigger kids get for Christmas?
Your bike.
Why do niggers drive low-riders?
So they can cruise and pick cotton at the same time.
A nigger and a spic jump off the Empire State Building, who hits the ground first?
Who cares.
How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth?
All of them.
Why don't nigger women wear panties to picnics?
To keep the flies off the chicken.
Why did the nigger carry a piece of shit in his wallet?
I.D.
Why are niggers light coloured on the inside of the hands and under their feet?
They were standing on all four when they were painted
:biggrin:
How do you kill a circus?
Cut the juggler
What do you call Gary Glitter when shot out of a Submarine?
[sp]A Torpedo-phile[/sp]
I actually invented mine, like I'm sure you can tell.
ok, so three guys go to hell, there is a rapist, an alcaholic and a stoner.
The devil goes to the rapist and asks, "whats the worst thing you have ever done?"
he says"i raped a whole bunch of virgins a long time ago"
the devil sais"ok", and opens up a door and inside there is hundreds and hundreds of the hottest vergins ever, and he sais"ok see you in a hundred years, and closes the rapist in the room.
then he asks the alcaholic "what was the worst thing you ever did" he says" i drank all the time and my family made me stop, but i kept on drinking after" the devil said "ok" and opens another door and inside is an infinite supply of alcahol and he says "see you in a hundred years" and closes the door.
then he asks the stoner his worst thing, and he tells the devil "i smoked weed every single day for a really long time. The devil opens up another door and inside is an infinite supply of the best weed ever, says "ok, see you in a hundred years" and closes the door
(100 years later)
he goes to the door with the rapist in it and opens it. and He runs out saying, "No More, No More! I'm Gay, I'm Gay! and runs away.
then the devil goes to the door wit the alcaholic in it and opens the door. there is broken bottles and piss and shit and puke everywhere, and the alcaholic is face down onthe floor passed out. He closes the door and goes to the next one. He opens the door and the stoner is sitting on the floor crying. the devil is like what the fuck? and the stoner looks up and him, still crying, asks, "got a light?"
Ha Ha Ha Ha funny joke.... Right?...
[editline]11:15PM[/editline]
ok, so three guys go to hell, there is a rapist, an alcaholic and a stoner.
The devil goes to the rapist and asks, "whats the worst thing you have ever done?"
he says"i raped a whole bunch of virgins a long time ago"
the devil sais"ok", and opens up a door and inside there is hundreds and hundreds of the hottest vergins ever, and he sais"ok see you in a hundred years, and closes the rapist in the room.
then he asks the alcaholic "what was the worst thing you ever did" he says" i drank all the time and my family made me stop, but i kept on drinking after" the devil said "ok" and opens another door and inside is an infinite supply of alcahol and he says "see you in a hundred years" and closes the door.
then he asks the stoner his worst thing, and he tells the devil "i smoked weed every single day for a really long time. The devil opens up another door and inside is an infinite supply of the best weed ever, says "ok, see you in a hundred years" and closes the door
(100 years later)
he goes to the door with the rapist in it and opens it. and He runs out saying, "No More, No More! I'm Gay, I'm Gay! and runs away.
then the devil goes to the door wit the alcaholic in it and opens the door. there is broken bottles and piss and shit and puke everywhere, and the alcaholic is face down onthe floor passed out. He closes the door and goes to the next one. He opens the door and the stoner is sitting on the floor crying. the devil is like what the fuck? and the stoner looks up and him, still crying, asks, "got a light?"
Ha Ha Ha Ha funny joke.... Right?...
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