Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?
Because he couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What do niggers do after sex?
15 years to life.
Some cunt in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha."
I replied, "20 x 0 = 0."
That shut the fucker up.
What did Osama Bin Laden cook on Iron Chef?
[sp]Big Apple Crumble.[/sp]
There aren't many things more difficult than explaining metaphors to a kleptomaniac. They're always taking everything, literally.
So a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. They begin discussing on whether or not they could convert bears to their religion. The two bet on it and the next day, they set off on their respective missions. Two days later, at the same bar, they meet up to see who won. The minister says," I found a bear and successfully converted him to Christianity, he'll be attending his first church meeting this Sunday." The rabbi, in a massive body cast, mumbles to the minister, "In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
"Just got told by my gf that penises and sausages are not interchangeable."
[sp]"I tried cooking mine anyway and ended up going to the E.R."[/sp]
Why did the little black boy cry when he had diarrhoea?
[sp]He thought he was melting.[/sp]
Why are black people afraid of chainsaws?
Because of the sound they make...
RUNNNNIGGGGAAAA RUNNNNNIIIIGGGGGAAAA RUNNN
since people like black and jew jokes, lets combine them
What do you say to a black jew?
[sp]Get to the back of the oven.[/sp]
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Tyrone and Jordan are in a car. Who's driving ?
[sp]The cops.[/sp]
Nothing says 'almost caught masturbating' like having your mom walking in on you looking at the Google homepage.
[QUOTE=Magic Scrumpy;42980342]Nothing says 'almost caught masturbating' like having your mom walking in on you looking at the Google homepage.[/QUOTE]
off topic but I've made a habit of just being on my desktop whenever they walk in, regardless of whether or not i was actually doing anything.
that way it's not weird or out of place when they actually do almost catch me.
on topic
what's the difference between a black man and a bench
[sp]only one of them can support a family[/sp]
[QUOTE=I AM THE LAW;42939342]Three girls are eating ice cream, one is licking, one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one is married?
The one with a ring on her finger.[/QUOTE]
Your profile picture perfectly describes my anger and disappointment in your joke
What do you call a 6 year old with no friends??
[sp]A Sandy Hook shooting survivor.[/sp]
What was the last thing to go through the brain of the children at Sandy Hook?
[sp]bullets[/sp]
Hmm
I had just finished having a shag with my girlfriend the other day, and we were laying about and cuddling in bed afterwards.
But then she turned to me and said.. 'you're a pedophile.'
I was shocked!
I mean, honestly.. that's a huge word for a 6 year old.
[QUOTE=litmeuplol;42979588]First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."[/QUOTE]
Reminded me of this.
[video=youtube;5ZOUd5K0sLU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZOUd5K0sLU[/video]
I just made this one up....
So a black guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The bartender yells,
"Hey, read the sign, no monkeys allowed!"
The monkey, visually upset, walks out of the bar. The bartender looks back at the black guy with a very frustrated expression,
"Are you deaf? I said no monkeys allowed!"
Whats black, white, and red all over?
[sp]A lynching.[/sp]
Here's one I made up.
Three old farmers were sitting on the balcony of their farmer friend's house, talking about their life and how the recent weather aided their current crops.
"I have a pretty big cock," one of the farmer mentions.
"I've got a bigger cock," the other farmer says.
"Seriously? I have the biggest cock in Ohio," the third farmer says, while the two farmers stare at him going "no you dont"
[t]http://josephjpote.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/SammyGameCock.jpg[/t]
[sp]I'm so sorry that was terrible i'll go sit down now[/sp]
Some girl at my school told me this joke that she said her father told her when she came out to him
Why do lesbians move out of their parents houses faster than gay guys?
[sp]Lesbians will lickity split while gays are busy packing their shit.[/sp]
So, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Texan, and a Mexican are aboard a small plane which is flying over the ocean. The plane hits some turbulence and, a moment later, the pilot comes on over the intercom: "Attention, the engines are failing. I will try to make it to the nearest shore to land, but there is too much weight, so three of you will have to jump out now!"
The Englishman opens the door, takes a deep breath, yells "God save the Queen!" and jumps out. This inspires the Frenchman, who shouts "Vive la France!" and jumps out. This [I]really[/I] inspires the Texan, and he shouts "Remember the Alamo!" and tosses the Mexican out of the plane.
How was the Grand Canyon created?
[sp]A Jew dropped a penny down a rabbit hole.[/sp]
How was copper wire invented?
[sp]Two jews saw the same penny.[/sp]
Why does Beyonce sing "To the Left, to the Left?"
[sp]Because black people have no rights.[/sp]
I like my women like I like my scotch.
12 years old and mixed up with coke.
I shot someone with a starting gun.
I've been charged with race crimes
[QUOTE=Magic Scrumpy;42972617]Some cunt in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha."
I replied, "20 x 0 = 0."
That shut the fucker up.[/QUOTE]
I've actually had something similar IRL.
It was a few years ago in a science class. Some obnoxious fuck was rambling on about how his dick is a hundred times bigger than the teacher's but just after he said that it turns out we had a substitute teacher who was a chick :v:
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