I was walking down road once and someone yelled "Look out below!". I look up and see a guy on the balcony with a beaker. Liquid lands on my shoulder. Jizz. Some fuckwit decided to pour a beaker of jizz off a balcony on to me.
Walking with a friend at 6am after a hectic night through the tower blocks in the centre of town, all the sudden a flying frozen doughnut from the 12th floor hits him straight in the bollocks
Hey, it's me again. More stories from Catholic summer camp!
This one happens 2 years after my previous one: [URL="http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1323683&p=42856582&viewfull=1#post42856582"]http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1323683&p=42856582&viewfull=1#post42856582[/URL]
Now, this story takes place during my 8th grade summer, the last summer I'd spend at the camp.
As I said before, we got back to the cabins [U]late[/U]. We then stayed up, finally having free time outside of the schedule, and messed around, just having a good time. Never once did my friends and I go right to sleep, there was always some hi-jinks before we all crashed.
Now the other room in the cabin, apparently they didn't , and supposedly they would have all gone to sleep, BUT THEY COULDN'T.
There was this really immature (I mean [B]really[/B] immature. I think he also pissed his bed at the camp. Again, [U]8th grade[/U].) kid who had joined our parish that year. He was a total jerk too. Not fun to be around [U]at all[/U].
Turns out, he had an LED lantern on him, which he kept turned-on. ALL. NIGHT. None of the other kids in his room could sleep that night. His excuse? He wanted to make Shadow Puppets.
I asked him why on earth he would do this, and furthermore, why he didn't turn off the light when his exhausted roommates asked him to.
His reply?
"They could have blocked out the light by putting their pillows over their heads." I am not exaggerating. That is exactly what he told me.
So, I've had enough of this kid's shit. For the sake of his roommates, I was gonna make sure he wouldn't be able to pull this again.
When it was lunch and we all went to the mess hall, I slipped a raw hot dog into my hoodie, and snuck back to the cabin when there were no counselors.
I snatched the lantern from his bed, took out the batteries, ripped the hot dog in half and shoved both halves into the battery slots.
I waited all day, and when we finally all went back that night, my friends and I listened and waited for him to discover my work.
All of a sudden, a loud wail pierced the quiet of night:
"WHAT?!?!?! WHO DID THIS!!?!? WHO?!?! WHO PUT THIS HOT-DOG IN MY LANTERN!?!?!"
We heard his roommates (who knew nothing about this until now) absolutely erupt with laughter, as his frustrated howls got more strained.
Everyone in both rooms was laughing so hard, tears streaming down our faces as he had his meltdown.
I found out years later from the younger generation of our parish, that this story was still being passed around, giving me a legacy in my own time. I thought that was pretty cool. :D
One time a baby threw a piece of bread at me in a restuarant
My mom walked in on me having sex.
The girl was on her period and my mom bursted through the door scaring me shitless and I pulled out and blood shot all over and I faced my mom with a full on boner covered in blood.
Boy was she upset
A while ago I wrote a synopsis on a story that I was going to work on but never got around to do it.
There is a couple, man and woman, they both love boating and have things in common, one day the man decides to go alone because of choppy waters and storm alerts. She waits and as the screen pans to her face she is older, (several?) years older. You see the young him on his boat, he found an island, and on the island you see older him throwing rocks at younger him and making symbols like (go back go back). He is confused and ignores older him, suddenly a wave approaches. It was all in older him's head and he is pointing hand signs and throwing rocks at nothing.
He dies eventually and his rotting corpses becomes soil and grows a flower. Suddenly she is much older and with another man (moved on) one day she goes boating with him and they (coincidentally) find the island he died on. She suddenly stops and picks up a flower, he asks her "why did you pick that one, it isn't even good looking there are many better ones to choose from" and she replies "idk it feels like I've known it for a long time" It's the same flower that grew out of him.
One time it was winter and our heater was fucked, so we slept in the basement with the carosine heater and we almost died.
I used to work at burger king when I was a teenager, and one day I'm standing at the register being sullen and hormonal when a customer comes in and studies the menu boards in silence for a moment. Then he walks up to my register and asks me "Excuse me, what do your nuggets look like?"
So I told him "That's pretty personal, next you'll be asking for a look at my whopper."
Noone laughed.
Last summer I was at an awesome party that my friend was hosting because her parents were gone for a while. Needless to say, there was lots of alcohol and weed, but there was also salvia. I had never seen anyone smoke salvia at this point, and many people at the party were unfamiliar with it too. One girl volunteers to be the first to smoke it, and she does. She just kind of sat there with her head in her hand for a minute or two, then gets up off the floor and starts screaming "HOLY FUCKING SHIT AUGH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING I CAN'T WAKE UP HELP ME" really fucking loud and knocking beer bottles and vases and whatever the fuck else all over the house. It was really frightening. Moral of the story is saliva is bad, kids. Here's some video proof for you:
[video=youtube;MDn5oGhey3M]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDn5oGhey3M[/video]
Got a load of great stories from Fay.
A little backstory: Fayetteville Arkansas is the home of the Razorbacks, and is also a fucking amazing party school. The main road of the university merges into Dickson street, which is a street loaded with bars, clubs, karaoke, and grilled cheese restaurants.
My best friend came up to hang out one weekend, the one of the first weekends of fall semester(and the first weekends I was up there). We went to an event called Dayglo, which is a massive EDM/dubstep festival with rapidly firing paint cannons. We got ridiculously fucked off there on beer and ecstacy. It was terrribly cold out, so my friend got a little pissed at the lack of topless women. So naturally, we rent a taxi and, with no discernable direction, tell the driver that we wanna see some boobies.
My friend has never been to a strip club before, mind you. He drops us off at some shady hole-in-the-wall stripclub/dive bar, and we sit and get lapdances for an hour. He fucking loves it. He disappears for a while, and eventually comes back to get me, dragging me into some shitty looking car. I thought we were gonna get stabbed or some shit, but it turns out that he coerced two strippers into hotboxing the car with him. What I learned from this? Never smoke weed out of a stranger's pipe. My heart was racing immediately and my friend started puking in a stripclub parking lot after the girls left.
Eventually we decide it's a good time to go home and call it quits. Lesson #2 was learned here: all taxis are busy at 3am. Our fucked-up heads decided we should run home then instead of waiting. We also figured we should skip main roads in order to avoid police.
Lesson #3: The U of A is very agriculture based. We hopped several fences, my friend ahead of me, when suddenly he's blasted back on his fucking ass after touching a hot wire(electric) fence. We passed many electric fences and got shocked on every single one. Eventually we make it to my apartment and pass out immediately.
Lesson #4: Check your pockets. I woke up the next day before him, feeling like utter shit. I went on to my balcony to smoke a cigarette and saw little specks on the ground. Upon further inspection, I lost my fucking mind.
My friend's pants had ripped on a fence, causing whatever he had in his pockets to spill out. Basically, there was a fucking crumb trail of adderall and weed leading from the parking lot directly to my apartment. Luckily, I cleaned them up before anyone noticed.
I've calmed down a lot since then, but that's about the craziest story I have.
I was camping in Pennsylvania and some asshat (me) forgot to bring the chocolate for s'mores.
I'd been dating my girlfriend of 8 years for less than a month when she invited me to a friends 21st birthday party. Her friend was a massive MASH fan so the party was themed after that.
Being a fearless red-blooded male I immediately resolved to dress as Corporal Klinger, and borrowed a gold cocktail dress and feather boa combo from my girlfriends sister (tall girl), my girlfriend threw on a straw hat and a dressing gown and we waltzed into that place arm in arm like the most mismatched prostitute/john combo in history.
Unfortunately, the birthday girl was clearly the only person there who had ever seen an episode of MASH. There wasn't a single thing in that party that was related to MASH, everything was camoflauge netting and war-paint and machine guns. So I spent the night in my sparkly figure hugging dress being stared down by a group of rough-as-guts rednecks all dressed as Rambo, who just didn't get the reference.
A story about how I seriously injured my self and miraculously avoided death.
(abridged version)
Me and my bud were snowboarding off piste in a blizzard and both end up falling off a thirty metre tall cliff. Don't remember much of that part except waking up and seeing him in the snow looking all bruised and fucked up with blood on his face. luckily some people found us after about five minutes and took my friend away on a snowmobile. I got air lifted to hospital, got transferred by two sketchy looking ambulance drivers who smoked throughout the whole journey. The doctors told me I had broken my L-2 vertebra and was very lucky to not be dead. They operated on it and screwed some support rods into my spine to stop me getting paralysed. Was kept in hospital for a month on a shit load of morphine all the time because otherwise the agony was unbearable. Finally got discharged and then that whole ash cloud thing happened and grounded all the planes so i was stuck in a hotel room for an extra five days before i could fly home with a morphine dependency and no available morphine.
It sucked.
Me and my friend were walking to the store and a bird shit on both of our heads.
[QUOTE=SilverDragon619;42873528]Me and my friend were walking to the store and a bird shit on both of our heads.[/QUOTE]
I'll do you one better: When I was walking back home from school one day, I got beaned on the head by an egg that fell out of a nest in a tree near our house. Not only was that an experience I wouldn't care to repeat, I never want to end up with eggs on my head ever again.
I've never been one of those kids to be considered "autistic" in any way (though when I was younger, I was a tad anti-social), but this story has to be the time I've ever acted so autistic and anti-social.
Let me give a little background first. In middle school, there was a game that went around the school that all the kids played called "Oreo." Who the fuck knows why it was called that, but this is how it went… Two kids play rock, paper, scissors, the one who loses has to ask someone to be their girlfriend/boyfriend of the winner's choosing.
It's me. 7th grade. I'm a chubby tubby. Sitting on the kickball field being anti-social with my two other anti-social friends. Two girls walk up. One of them I know very well because she lives in my neighborhood and rides the same bus as me and she's fucking cute as hell. Very silly too. Her name is Regan. One that always picked on me or poked fun at me. I don't know the second girl accompanying her though.
Regan walks up with second girl. Tells my other two friends if she can talk to me alone. They leave. It's me and the two girls. I stand up and ask what's going on.
"Christian. Will you go out with me?" - Regan
"Oh COME ON. Is this another Oreo thing?" - by yours truly.
(In a sincere tone, second girl says)
"What no this isn'-"
Regan cuts off second girl quickly
"Oh yeah yeah! Yeah it's just Oreo! Haha"
Second girl looks confused. They both walk away.
Pissed because it was Oreo dare by second girl.
Years later, I put all the signs together. She poked fun at me because she liked me. Second girl didn't realize what was going on. Regan was never dared from Oreo. I rejected the first girl to ever ask me out.
That's some good shit.
[QUOTE=Chubbles;42874294]Oreo[/QUOTE]
Damn man, thats just unlucky
[QUOTE=phagocitic;42868722]Last summer I was at an awesome party that my friend was hosting because her parents were gone for a while. Needless to say, there was lots of alcohol and weed, but there was also salvia. I had never seen anyone smoke salvia at this point, and many people at the party were unfamiliar with it too. One girl volunteers to be the first to smoke it, and she does. She just kind of sat there with her head in her hand for a minute or two, then gets up off the floor and starts screaming "HOLY FUCKING SHIT AUGH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING I CAN'T WAKE UP HELP ME" really fucking loud and knocking beer bottles and vases and whatever the fuck else all over the house. It was really frightening. Moral of the story is saliva is bad, kids. Here's some video proof for you:
[video=youtube;MDn5oGhey3M]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDn5oGhey3M[/video][/QUOTE]
I first read this straight through thinking that your people got high off of "Saliva" as in spit.
My mom is in a community theatre group, and she works as a costumer for it. After a show we did, we went out for a cast party. I was with her, and we went to a bar. My mom didn't like me ordering soft drinks at resturaunts because of their high price, so I promissed I would make it worth the dollar. Anyway, I ended up drinking 5 16 ounce cups of Pepsi. When I got back home, I realized that making it worth the dollar wasn't worth it, at all. I got to the bathroom as fast as I could after that, and I ended up shitting out most of the liquid. It was as if my bladder was full and everything went through my ass instead.
Last night my dad stumbles into my room because ambien puts you off balance. None the less he stumbles in and pops a squat on my bed. He asks me to go to the nearest store and buy him 50 feet of rope.
Im a little puzzled and ask him what its for. He refuses to answer me and just keeps asking me to buy him that 50 feet of rope and if i can't find it than 2 25 feet pieces of rope will do. So me puzzled i go into my parents room to ask my mom why my dad would want 50 feet of rope.
My mom starts laughing and says she took my dads cookies away from him because he was getting crumbs everywhere and needed to go to bed. So after she did that he said he was going to go get 50 feet of rope tie my mom to a tree unless she gave him the cookies back....
Not much of a story, but this happened a while ago with my family.
We're all sitting down and playing Cranium Cadoo, which I can't quite remember how to play, but I thought it was fun as hell as a kid. Anyhow, one of the games had the player read a card with a hidden instruction and act it out. My dad pulls on of these cards, looks confused, gets up from his chair, and begins dancing suggestively in front of my mother.
My mom has no idea what the hell he's doing, and my brother and I are laughing our asses off because he looks so idiotic doing this. Mom, who's supposed to guess what he's doing, eventually gives up and asks him what he's doing. He doesn't want to say it in front of us kids because we were impressionable, so he shows it to her. She starts laughing and yells "It's tap dance, not lap dance, you idiot!"
My dad tried to defend himself saying that the print is too damn hard to read, but she doesn't care. She thinks it's funnier than hell. I didn't know what a lap dance was at the time, and [I]I[/I] even thought it was hysterical. Dad was embarrassed. He then told my brother and I never to repeat what happened to anyone.
[QUOTE=The_J_Hat;42888747]He then told my brother and I never to repeat what happened to anyone.[/QUOTE]
Good Job
[QUOTE=phagocitic;42868722]Last summer I was at an awesome party that my friend was hosting because her parents were gone for a while. Needless to say, there was lots of alcohol and weed, but there was also salvia. I had never seen anyone smoke salvia at this point, and many people at the party were unfamiliar with it too. One girl volunteers to be the first to smoke it, and she does. She just kind of sat there with her head in her hand for a minute or two, then gets up off the floor and starts screaming "HOLY FUCKING SHIT AUGH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING I CAN'T WAKE UP HELP ME" really fucking loud and knocking beer bottles and vases and whatever the fuck else all over the house. It was really frightening. Moral of the story is saliva is bad, kids. Here's some video proof for you:
[video=youtube;MDn5oGhey3M]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDn5oGhey3M[/video][/QUOTE]
I smoked salvia once. I know nobody would believe this shit, but it showed me my death. It let me experience what It's like to be everything and nothing. I'll never forget it. I'd rather not go into detail because facepunch doesn't like that deep kinda shit.
Anyway, one time i got pissed on by david copperfield's duck.
[QUOTE=SilverBullet;42889132]I smoked salvia once. I know nobody would believe this shit, but it showed me my death. It let me experience what It's like to be everything and nothing. I'll never forget it. I'd rather not go into detail because facepunch doesn't like that deep kinda shit.
Anyway, one time i got pissed on by david copperfield's duck.[/QUOTE]
What do you mean Facepunch doesn't like deep stuff? I wanna hear that, it sounds really cool!
i was sitting under a walking bridge with my then best friend, she says to me she needs to go to the toilet and im like I'll come with her, I go to get up without me knowing that right under me is a plank of wood, I hit my head on it at full speed and collapse on the ground in pain, she is too busy laughing her ass off and nearly pissing herself until she sees blood pouring out of my head, laughter turns into panic
Since I was in scouts I know what to do when shit like this happens, she doesn't, she starts saying
"Holy fuck we need to get you to a hospital you're bleeding too much"
I try to calm her down and say it's nothing serious, I tell her to come to the bathroom with me
So basically I take off my singlet and tell her to apply pressure to my head which she does and then get toilet paper to wipe off the blood, then wash out my singlet to remove the blood (wasn't too much), I wash my head under water as well and I put back on my shirt and shit
When we step out this Asian fisherman is staring at us because we were talking during the process and his face is like
"What the fuck were you two doing"
We walk away swiftly
That was a fun time
I bought BF4 yesterday so i could install it while i was asleep, it was going to take about 5 hours to complete so made the anti virus scan the whole pc at 5:00. I was sleeping until my pc started making loud noises and i checked, and the search had started, i forgot that it makes these damn harddrive noises so i turned it off (middle of the fucking night). And then im going back to bed when my elbow hit my glass from yesterday and knocks it down, and it smashes to the floor, making very much noise! It first hit my foot and then started rolling away in pieces, i was only in my boxers and then my dad comes in the door, looking like has seen a ghost or something xD, then 5 seconds of akward silence, and i go back to bed. The end. FML
About eight years ago I was at a gathering at a friends place, there were only six people there, two couples and my girlfriends Cousin with his mate who we'll call John. We were just hanging out getting high and drunk and all those good things when poor young 21 year old John starts looking a little green around the gills from mixing weed and booze the wrong way around. The poor guy could barely speak. John heads upstairs to the bathroom, and isn't heard from again for some time.
The couple whose place we're at is made up of an uncompromising Australian girl and an Irish gentleman we'll call Paul, who since moving into this place had been getting around taking a flight of stairs to get to the toilet by doing his business in the garden area at the back of their courtyard (No. 1's only, very civilised). Their arguments on the subject were a running joke of the evening in fact.
About half an hour after John's apparent disappearance, Paul enters from the courtyard area looking disturbed. He sits next to me and tells me that; "It's really, really bad." and after some prompting he tells me that he had needed to piss, and that since John was in the upstairs bathroom and his girlfriend wasn't keeping a close eye on him he'd decided to take it outside so to speak. But while he was standing in the shadows of the garden, clenching certain muscles and relaxing others, he noticed some movement at the end of his stream. Then more movement. Then spluttering and moaning.
John was lying in the garden, completely hidden in darkness. And he just happened to choose the area of the garden that Paul was accustomed to using as a toilet. More than that, noone had seen John come back down stairs the whole night, leading us the sole conclusion that he'd managed to stealthily climb down the balcony and across the dinner table without anyone noticing and more importantly given his condition, without dropping from the balcony like a ragdoll. He was heaving up beer and urine for hours.
A bird pooped in my friend's food.
This must have been almost a decade ago
I was in my room when my Dad yelled for me to come down. He was in the garage, he told me to call 911. He had a big gash on his arm and was bleeding a lot. He'd been working with a saw and accidentally reached over and cut himself. All things considered, though he's fine, he's got a makeshift bandage on.
Now, I'm not very good with emergency situations, my mind literally starts to shut down and makes me want to go to sleep when shit like this happens, that's just how it works for me, so I'm not exactly in my right mind.
I get on the phone and call 911, and the guy on the other end is asking me questions to assess the situation.
guy goes "Is your father breathing?"
to which I turn to my Dad and say, "DAD, ARE YOU BREATHING?!"
"Yes, Ryan, I'm breathing."
"Yes, he's breathing!"
I don't know why I asked that question.
[QUOTE=Nightscout;42889229]What do you mean Facepunch doesn't like deep stuff? I wanna hear that, it sounds really cool![/QUOTE]
Alrightfuckitwhynot.
So where do I start.
Basically salvia showed me what happens when I die, it taught me that the universe is made of pure awareness and that living things are a cluster of awareness with a mysterious cohesion that makes them one unified living being. When I experienced death. I experienced the loss of that cohesion. It's quite terrifying.
This is what death feels like(for me);
First, you feel as if you are falling asleep, you feel cozy and comfortable, drifting away slowly. You might even think to yourself, "Am I dying? Is this what death feels like? It's not so bad...".
So as you drift away like you would into dreamland, it suddenly stops. You wake up, you remember yourself, who you are. Thats when death hits you, with quiet power and fury. Death is the most powerful force you could possibly experience. It forcefully blows apart every fiber of your consciousness and blasts you across infinity. I fancy it to be like a cosmic hammer coming down on you so hard you blast apart into an infinite amount of pieces and spread across that vast immensity. You become like a fog, constantly expanding yet dwindling at the same time, faster than the speed of light. Death even lets you experience a moment of sheer terror and awe after it hits you. After that? There is no more ego. No more fear. You expand for eternity. I don't know whether to call it heaven or hell.
Don't get me wrong, you are dead, but the awareness that once made you doesn't simply vanish. You get to experience every part of it. You become infinity. And then somewhere in that perfect chaos. You realize.... you're finally home.
I don't know if I want to laugh or cry.
The thought of my death makes loneliness hit me like a truck.
Like I said, facepunch doesn't like this stuff. I don't think anyone does actually. People will just think I'm stupid or crazy. People just chalk it to drugs and hallucination, throwing all that knowledge out the window. Phsyco-actives help you experience the same reality in different ways. Any way of viewing reality is not more "right" or better than the other.
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