The Never Ending Dungeon V.5 - You slip on a banana peel and land face first on a landmine
677 replies, posted
[QUOTE=Smas;35324491]Well, I've been working on this update all night, but I seem to be coming down with something... nasty. I think I'm gonna lie down, and I'll finish it tomorrow morning if I can manage to get out of bed. Just know that I have imputed all the commands, I just have to update the stats list. For now, I bid thee farewell.[/QUOTE]
Send it to me. I will see it finished.
Well, I managed to get up this morning. Here you guys go.
[B]Commands:[/B]
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[B]Smas:[/B] Tell a pun to Joke, in order to prod his shattered resolve. “It was truly an emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers!”
Roll: 4. You attempt to tell your little pun, but Joke cuts you off, “If it’s the one about the damn cake, I’m gonna have to choke a bitch.” Needless to say, you don’t tell the joke. [B](-100 Emotional damage: Smas)[/B]
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[B]Trounark:[/B] I tell a yo mama joke to Joke.
Roll: 7. You get in front of Smas, and you let your best yo mama joke fly. “Yo Mama so fat when she went to the movies she sat next to everyone!” Oh man, that one was so sick to the nasty that it made Joke cry![B] (-700x2=-1400 HP!)[/B]
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[B]InsanitysBitch:[/B] I stare down joke and say, "Why did the dinosaur eat his breakfast? Because he was hungry!" in an attempt to kill him with such an epic glare/terrible joke.
Roll: 2. You let out that terrible joke, in the hopes to somehow confuse Joke. Instead, he turns around and lets out one of his own rhetorical statement. “What did the fist say to the face?” [B](-1000 Facial Damage!: IB)[/B]
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[B]Team Drasar:
DrasarSalmon:[/B] I'll look around the depths of the internet to find a comic including over-used memes and show it at Joke(aka BLACK SPY).
Roll: 2. You look around the internet for what is possibly the most overused set of memes in existence. “Oh, I know! How about one of those ‘Rage Comics’?!” With that mentality in mind, you find yourself what can only described as a set of images cropped together into a somewhat cohesive fashion:
[img] http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/ffffuuuu-facebook-become-a-fan-comic.jpg[/img]
Instead of showing it off though, you bust onto the floor laughing, laughing so hard that you puke. Disgusting. [B](-1000 Emotional/Physical Damage: DS)[/B]
[B]Wizard:[/B] Shoot Joke(aka BLACK SPY) with his Lucky M1911 (+1 on roll when weapon is used).
Roll: 9+1. CRITICAL THREAT! Having heard enough of these terrible jokes in your day (for wizard days are much longer than non-wizard days), you simply exclaim, “Fuck it!” and swing your gun out of your magical holster. However, being the butterfingers that all wizards seem to be, you manage to fumble the gun, causing the gun to fall to the ground and misfire. The bullet ricochets around the room in a magical, lucky manner, missing all non-combatants and joke tellers in the room, coming to a stop into the ceiling (since we obviously were inside and were never outside, since this is a dungeon after all). Joke laughs at your “mis-fortune”, laughing at the Allies futile attempts to defeat him through psychological warfare. Suddenly, a Conveniently Placed Chandelier comes crashing down, almost crushing Black Spy. With that, his decoy inflates, negating all damage. However, he is still pinned under the Chandelier. [B](Destroyed Decoy)[/B]
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[B]Team Magma:
Magmacow358:[/B] I say to Joke: "Guess what? Chicken butt."
Roll: 3. Seeing as Joke has now been pinned under the Conveniently Placed Chandelier, you see that now is the perfect opportunity for your best material. You walk on over, complete with a little spring in your step, and get right up into Joke’s ear. “… Guess what?...” “Oh for the love of Christ, don’t say Chicken butt!” His exclamation puts you to an abrupt halt, somehow confusing you long enough for him to bitch slap you.[B] (-700 Emotional Damage: Magmacow)
[/B]
[B]Punisher mech:[/B] Crush Joke's puny spine.
Roll: 3. You begin to move in to crush the puny organic’s spine, but you are too busy trying to comprehend the human emotion of “humor”, causing you to overload your onboard VI chip and overheat your processor. [B](-700 Electrical Fire Damage: Punisher Mech)[/B]
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[B]Team Sunny:
Sunny Dei:[/B] I call on the gods of Chaos to heal my wounds.
Roll: 5. You call out to the gods of Chaos to heal your wounds, but they seem to have put you on hold. Fuck.
[B]Dufflebag (Who's a space marine by the way):[/B] Tells Joke (Black Spy) a joke that is only two words, women's rights.
Roll: 8. Seeing as these uninitiated chumps can’t seem to do anything, and your commander is on hold with the gods of Chaos, it seems that everything has once again come down to you. You let out a fearsome battle cry, leaping through the air and landing on Joke’s little fingers. “YOU THERE, MAGGOT! TELL ME A JOKE IN TWO WORDS!” Joke lets out a wimper, as his fingers are being slowly crushed under the steel boots. “WHAT DID YOU SAY!?” Joke trembles, then speaks just over the background noise, “Women’s rights…” [B](-1000x2 = -2000 HP: Joke)[/B]
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[B]Team Billy Maize:
Billy Maize:[/B] Take the broken glass ball back and throw it at Joke.
Roll: 5. You decide that now is the time to ditch that safety hazard, seeing as there is now glass everywhere. Man, the last time you got glass caught in ya wasn’t particularly fun…
[B]Polar Bear:[/B] Bite Joke in the throat with your razor-sharp Coca-Cola™ brand aluminum teeth.
Roll: 10. CRITICAL THREAT! Seeing that now is the opportune time to get your blood thirst going, you race up to Joke and begin to tear at his neck. How’s that for a joke!? [B](-5000 HP: Joke)[/B]
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[B]Foobagooba:[/B]
Engines roar and the ground shakes as a C-130 passes overhead at low altitude. Ryan "Get Some" MacArthur, semi-professional action hero, leaps from the back and parachutes into the battle. He is lightly armed, carrying only a light first-aid kit and Ol' Faithful, his trusty rusty double barrelled sawed-off. –Stuff outlined-
Roll: 5. Ah man, you sure to love to day dream. You’ve always wanted to be an action hero, even if it was only for short periods of time. That’s why you enlisted in the Allied Forces after all, to become a hero. However, you haven’t done anything heroic so far; you managed to lose your Government Issued M-4, while also “wasting” your light first-aid kit on some bunnies that got hit in the cross-fire. All well, I guess you’ll just have to make due with ALL THE FUCKING WEAPONS AND SHIT LEFT LYING AROUND EVERYWHERE, HOLY DICK THAT’S A LOT OF WEAPONS. On second thought, you might come out better equipped than when you first entered. [sp]Welcome to the game, I hope you enjoy your stay. DO eat the mints that we leave on the pillows, they’re free.[/sp]
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[B]Zarjk:[/B] As I stumble around, waiting to get my steel armor so I won't die right after I join the fray, I think of the fact that with steel armor I could have a T51 power armor suit for Fallout. So I run back and tell my dad I want these designs on my armor.
Roll: 6. Through your mumbling and putting together of multiple grammatical and syntax errors, your father manages to make out part of your request. “A Power Armor? What kind of things do they teach kids these days?” He looks over his schematics, and adds a small shield battery to the back of it, adding a recharge function on the Steel Armor. [B](Steel Armor upgraded to Power Armor)[/B]
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[B]Mr. Destroyer:[/B] I grow a new neck bone and climb out of the well.
Roll: 8. You indeed manage to grow a new neck bone, having waited weeks for it to regrow. You crawl out of the well, and reclaim your Ghost Stompers while you’re at it too. [B](Escaped Well!)(Retrieve your boots!)[/B][sp]Sorry about that.[/sp]
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[B]Eva-1337: [/B]Dimensional rift tears open in the ground and a miniscule creature emerages from said portal.
"I AM EVA-1337, AND I HAVE TORE EARTH A NEW BUTTHOLE, but now I am all tuckered out and need to rest this turn" Due to Eva-1337's extended trek to arrive here, he used much of his supplies and only had a few provisions left.
-Stuff-
Roll: 1. CRITICAL MISS! In what can only be seen as a cruel twist of fate, you set down your ban hammer against the wall, while you rest the turn out. Without warning, the hammer begins to slide down, smashing into your leg. With that, your leg simply disappears, along with your hammer and medical paste. That’s gotta suck.[B] (-500 MAX HP)(Missing Leg)[/B][sp]Otherwise, welcome to the game. Sorry about the leg, but that is how the dice played out.[/sp]
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[B]Team Firearms:
Dawson:[/B] "Batter up, four eyes - I've got a one-liner to share with you!" After realizing that telling bad jokes can inflict pain on the Black Spy, Dawson boldy approaches the goon and says the following two-liner: "The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, for it enables motivation along with other functions. It also controls the 'Four F's': (1) fighting, (2) fleeing, (3) feeding, and (4) mating."
"Great stuff, eh?", Dawson asks Joke. "I actually thought about going into medicine before becoming a specialist mercenary! ...And deciding not to go will haunt me for the rest of my days!"
Roll: 1. CRITICAL MISS! With that last line, Joke hatches a plan. “If you think this line of work is not suited for you, maybe you SHOULD have gone to be a doctor! It’s never too late to chase you’re life’s dream!” Dawson contemplates this proposal, and turns to Dagger. “I think I’m going to leave now. Having gone to space and fighting baddies is all fun and games, but I wish to go home and be a family man.” With those parting words, Dawson drops his equipment to the floor and leaves through the front door. [B](Dawson: Leaving the Battlefield!)[/B]
[B]Cortez:[/B] "Listening to crummy humor is Joke's weakness, eh? Well in that case..." Cortez blurts out the dumbest phrase that he could come up with at the time. "Time's fun when you're having flies."
Roll: 10. CRITICAL THREAT! Angered at Joke’s persuasive power, you let your best twisted phrase fly, in the hopes that it would stun him. You yell into his ear, letting whatever silly phrases come to mind fly through your mouth and into his head. The phrases you let loose are so jumbled and broken, they begin to twist Joke’s very mind into what can only be described as a pretzel. You lessen your grip on Joke, and he falls to the ground drooling. [B](Joke: -10,000 HP/Braindead(Can’t Attack)!)[/B]
[B]Dagger:[/B] "I gonna send you back to the Black Embassy in utter tears! This is for blowing my arms off, and for destroying my lovely book!" Dagger exacts vengeance on his rival by sharing with him the following joke: "When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl!"
Roll: 10. CRITICAL THREAT! Well, you’re not entirely sure if blasting jokes in his ears would work anymore, but you give it one last shot. You dig into your bag for a megaphone, and put it up to his ear. With all you’re might, you bellow into the megaphone “WHEN CRYPHTOGRAPHY IS OUTLAWED, BAYL BHGNYJF JVYY UNIR CEVINP!!” Little do you know, that last half of your statement was really a ritual chant, ripping open a portal to hell. You stand back in fear as two claws reach out, and suck the poor Spy into what is likely to be his eternal resting place, after which the portal seals itself shut. Wow, didn’t see that one coming![B] (Joke: Dead!)[/B]
[B]Homer:[/B] "*Hic!* Oww... Why does my face feel all beaten and bloody all of a sudden? Welp, like they always say: Laughter is the best medicine!" In an attempt to make himself feel better, Homer says out loud: "Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs."
Roll: 2. You stand up in an attempt to tell a joke, but you are so dizzy that you fall over! You land to the ground, and begin to experience one of the worst things in the world; Vertigo! [B](Vertigo: Can’t move!(0/2))[/B]
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[B]Blitzx:[/B] I tell Joke: "All of those jokes, it must be quite punishing."
Roll: 0. A little slow on the draw there kid! Joke has already gone to hell, and he took his weakness to terrible puns with him. If it makes you feel any better, that joke was pretty punny.
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[B]Zake:[/B] I try to imposter the king of swag and activate DOUBLESWAG.
Roll: 5. In a terrible twist of fate, you use your Minimum of Five roll on rolling a five. That wasn’t very swag-y.
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[B]Team Samppa:
Samppa:[/B] Notice that Cookie53 is dead, and try to... Utilize the heavy duty vibrator in a revive attempt. Ahem.
Roll: 4. You pull out the heavy duty vibrator to perform what would probably be the most sexually charged revival in the history of the Dungeon. Smas cries out, “Hey! This is one thing that I wish to NOT write about when this is over!” You realize that Smas is right, at least for the moment, so you put down the phallic device in shame.[B] (-100 Emotional Damage: Samppa)
[/B]
[B]Axebeard Thundernipples:[/B] In a lack of better things to do, braid your massive beard.
Roll: 9. Because you truly knew the outcome of this turn, you figured that you might as well braid your manly beard while the others deal with Joke. Because of the relaxing nature of this activity, you are able to build up inner strength, boosting your resolve! [B](+500 Max HP)[/B]
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[B]Combiner[/B]: Unfortunately, I am way too SWAG too even consider making such horrid jokes. So instead I provide Joke with the best joke of all. A bullet to the face.
Roll: 0. Well, you would shoot Joke in order to get through with the horrid jokes, but it seems like he’s already dead. All well.
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[B]Falcon[/B]: After brofisting drasar for helping me out, I once more take up my magic mirror, FOR GREAT VICTORY!
Roll: 6. After a friendly bro-fist (not to be mistaken for a bro-fisting), you take up the search for GREAT VICTORY. Or really, your health swapping mirror. [B](Finding Magic Mirror(0/1))[/B]
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[B]Team Folc:
Grotesque:[/B] grab a large rock and beat black spy to a viscous pulp with it.
Roll: 0. You search for a rock, but by the time your find one, it’s too late, for Joke has already been dragged to hell.
[B]Scald:[/B] now where the heck did that mini gun get too...?
Roll: 1. CRITICAL MISS! “Ah, there it is.” You reach down to pick it up, when it suddenly discharges a single bullet. The bullet ricochets off the walls, and bounces right back into your head. Whoops! [B](Scald: Dead!)[/B]
[B]Haze:[/B] Club black spy with your valve gauntlets.
Roll: 0. You would club the black spy, but he seems pretty pre-occupied at the moment, being dead and all.
[B]Folc:[/B] to quote Sheogorath: Cheese for everyone!!!; hit a button on you control console that sends a rabid cheese golem onto the field, which attacks every turn if able, potentially even enemies, but constantly drops health improving cheese chunks, which, if enough are collected, can be formed into another cheese golem, which may not necessarily attempt to eat everything. Another, potentially sane golem may also be formed on any cheese related critical hit.
Roll: 1. CRITICAL MISS! You attempt to quote Sheogorath, but the man himself cuts to the chase. “CHEESE! CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!” With that, Sheogorath manhandles you out of the chair, slams the “Do-Everything” button, and jettisons up into space, dispersing solidified dairy products in the atmosphere. You would have considered this fine, except for the fact that one of the cheese wheels is about to smash your face in, going at terminal velocity. [B](Folc: CRUSHED BY CHEESE!)[/B]
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[B]-Neutral Commands-
Tony Stark:[/B] Build a better IronMan Suit.
Roll: 9. Seeing as no one has decided to finish you off, you decide to take this opportunity to up your armament. You disassemble your current suit, and you begin your repairs…
A few hours later, you step back in your suit, what you now consider the Mark III, seeing as it’s not made out of real iron and jury-rigged with a flame thrower like the first one, and has improvements over the second one. [B](Mark III Iron Man(2,000/2,000))[/B]
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-NOT-SO-RANDOM EVENTS-
Agents 5 and 9 arrive to the battlefield, unbeknownst as to the dangers that they now face. One look around already tells the tale; the Allied Forces are pushing forward. With several members already dead, including Agent 1, they call in backup, which arrives in the form of Mercenaries.
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[B]-Allies-[/B]
Team Anderson:
Mr.anderson: 1,500/2,000
Enderdragon: 1,500/4,000 (Immune to Fire) (no wings)
Grey Knight: 2,000/2,000
Team Billy:
Billy Maize: 2,000/2,000
Polar Bear: 1,900/2,000
Team Bl1tz:
Bl1tzX: 2,000/2,000 (Electric GuiBard acquired!(Positive Rolls grant team +1 to rolls during turn. Negative rolls result in -1))
Team Ian:
Combiner8761: 1,000/2,000 (dark powers) (Body swapped with combiner! 5/6) (SANDWICH OF GODS!)
Team Cookie:
Cookie53: DEAD!
Team Drasar:
Drasarsalman: 1,000/2,000 (4 leaf clover)
Wizard: 2,000/2,000 (Lucky M1911: +1 on roll when weapon is used)
Team Egbert:
John Egbert: 2,000/2,000
Jade Harley: 2,000/2,000
Rose Lalonde: 2,000/2,000
Team Eva-1337:
Eva-1337: 1,500/1,500 (Missing Leg)
Team Falcon
xxFalconxx: 2,000/2,000 (Finding Magic Mirror(0/1))
Team Foob:
Foobagooba: 2,000/2,000
Team Firearms:
Firearms136 (aka dagger): 2,200/2,200 (Disarmed Bag: +1 to rolls)(Master Espionage Perk)
Dawson:[URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxWeMDEVf_8"] Became a Family Man![/URL]
Homer: 1,500/2,000 (Gluttony: All healing items in the form of edible foods and beverages replenish 50% more health.) (Limbs of blackula)(Can’t Attack(0/2))
Cortez: 2,000/2,000 (Spectral Gun(3x Against Ghosts)(Useless against Living things))
Team Folcrum
Folcrum_flyer: Crushed by Cheese!
Scald: Bullet through head!
Team Hidole:
Hidole555: 2,100/2,200
Team Insanity:
InsanitysBitch: 2,400/2,500 (Box of Almonds)
Team Combiner8761:
Ian: 1,200/2,000 (Swagtastic Perk) (Quasar Crown) (Swagnum) (body swapped with ian! 5/6)
Team Jarrod:
Jarrod: 1,900/2,000 (Broken Bike, Shipping Manifest, Stats Sheet)
Team Magma:
Magmacow358: 800/2,000 (Swagnum)(Armor(1,500/1,500))(Arm Blaster)
Punisher Mech: 3,300/4,000 (Justice)
Team Mr.Destroy
Mr.Destroyer: 1,000/2,000 (SPESS MARINE Suit: 1,900/2,000)(Ghost Stompers)
Team Nomad:
PrivateNomad: 2,000/2,000 (Portal Gun)
Team Samiam:
Samiam22: 1,900/2,000
Team Smas:
Smas: 1,700/2,000 (Sword of Anti-Dead(2x Damage vs Undead)(x.5 Damage to other Undead upon Undead Kill))
Team Sunny:
Sunny Dei: 500/2,000 (Flaming Battle Axe(Does Fire Damage Yo))(Ghost Stompers(Can strike undead))
DuffleBag: 2,000/2,000 (Bolter)
That Team:
That Ninja: 1,500/2,000
Team Trounark:
Trounark: 2,000/2,000 (Dual Pistols)
Team Samppa:
Samppa: 1,400/2,000 (Missing Detonator) (universal remote) (Heavy Duty Vibrator)
Axebeard Thundernipples: 3,500/3,500 (Super Viking Powers) (Hero’s Axe(Rolls of 10 Instant Kill)(Ignore Defense Buffs))
Team Zake:
Zakedodead: 1,900/2,200 (Generic Holy Sword(Does Holy Damage Yo/1.5x Damage to Undead))(2x Plot Coupons)
Team Zarjk:
Zarjk: 2,000/2,000 (copy of halo 3) (Angry Grandpa Minigun)(Power Armor arriving in 1/3 turns)
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[B]-Enemies-[/B]
Agent 5: Phasing into reality: 10,000/10,000(Rock trap(-500 HP/turn))
Agent 9: Phasing into reality: 10,000/10,000(Rock trap(-500 HP/turn))
Mercenary Leader: 5,000/5,000 (+1 to Rolls for all other Mercenaries)(Heavy Pistol)
Mercenary Marksman: 3,000/3,000 (Semi-Auto Assault Rifle)
Mercenary Point-Man: 3,000/3,000 (Shotgun)
Mercenary Infiltrator: 3,000/3,000 (Sub-Machine Gun)
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[B]-Neutral-[/B]
Tony Stark: 600/2,000 (Mark III Iron Man: 2,000/2,000)
The Grotesque: 3,800/4,000
Haze: 1,600/2,000(Flying) (noxious gas vents) (reduces enemy defence to 80% on successful gas-based attack until enemy rolls 5 or above)
Sheogorath: ???/??? (Immortal/Can't Be moved from Neutral Team)(Flying Chair)
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I must say Folc, that was some pretty terrible luck you had going there.
[B]Smas: Attempt to revive Folc.[/B]
I attempt to become incredibly rich and hire the mercenaries as double agents.
Through the shell of Ian's body, the remains of my dark self stares in awe at Dagger. I force the SWAG king to rumble in his possessions for a pen and paper, so I can detail the awesome ritual to the means of replicating it!
[editline]28th March 2012[/editline]
I mean, does that guy even know what he's done? Alternate dimensions, limbo, purgatory? Easy stuff, but HELL?
I haven't been down there in forever! They make the best coffee.
[editline]28th March 2012[/editline]
And I mean the [B][I][U]BEST[/U][/I][/B] coffee.
I have a threesome with Agent's 5 and 9 wives and then do a triple back-flip into my Lamborghini.
Samppa: Load the heavy duty vibrator into a mortar and turn it on before firing it into the group of mercenaries.
Axebeard Thundernipples: Slip the Hero's Axe through the braids in your beard, ensuring that it is firmly fastened before charging into the group of mercenaries with a ferocious whirlwind spin, attempting to slice as many foes as possible.
[IMG]http://i734.photobucket.com/albums/ww343/Firearms_136/The%20Never-Ending%20Dungeon%20Icons/CortezTNED1.jpg[/IMG]
[B]Cortez:[/B]
[SUB]"Wait, where's Dawson going? Come back!"[/SUB]
With the infamous Black Spy now banished to work in hell's diner (presumably in the kitchen), Cortez takes a deep sigh of relief and collapses onto the floor. Taking the time to look around, however, Cortez notices that Dawson is nowhere to be seen. He immediately gets back on his feet and chases down his missing ally.
After 5 hours of searching, Cortez finally comes face-to-face with Dawson...
[QUOTE][IMG]http://i734.photobucket.com/albums/ww343/Firearms_136/The%20Never-Ending%20Dungeon%20Icons/Cortez-StatusAffliction.jpg[/IMG]
[B]Cortez:[/B]
[SUB]"My God, what have you done?!"[/SUB]
[IMG]http://i734.photobucket.com/albums/ww343/Firearms_136/The%20Never-Ending%20Dungeon%20Icons/DawsontheRiotOfficer2.jpg[/IMG]
[B]Dawson:[/B]
[SUB]"I'm doing what I should have done a long time ago, and that is to study medicine and become a cardiologist![/SUB]
[IMG]http://i734.photobucket.com/albums/ww343/Firearms_136/The%20Never-Ending%20Dungeon%20Icons/Cortez-StatusAffliction.jpg[/IMG]
[B]Cortez:[/B]
[SUB]"That pointy-nosed fedora-wearing hack has royally brainwashed you. What you've been doing before was your true niche! Your accomplices need you!"[/SUB]
[IMG]http://i734.photobucket.com/albums/ww343/Firearms_136/The%20Never-Ending%20Dungeon%20Icons/DawsontheRiotOfficer2.jpg[/IMG]
[B]Dawson:[/B]
[SUB]"Look, I'm through with all the nonsense fighting and bickering; it's time for me to hit the books! Now if you exuse me, I need to study up for the MCAT."[/sub]
[IMG]http://i734.photobucket.com/albums/ww343/Firearms_136/The%20Never-Ending%20Dungeon%20Icons/Cortez-StatusAffliction.jpg[/IMG]
[B]Cortez:[/B]
[SUB]"Aw c'moooon!"[/SUB][/QUOTE]
In a nutshell, Cortez tries to win back Dawson the Riot Officer.
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[IMG]http://i734.photobucket.com/albums/ww343/Firearms_136/The%20Never-Ending%20Dungeon%20Icons/DaggerTNED1.jpg[/IMG]
[B]Dagger (aka White Spy):[/B]
[SUB]"Damn, I really did finish the Black Spy off... For some reason, though, I wish I could believe this would the last we will see of him. But I digress - something's gotta be done about those mercenaries!"[/sub]
Glancing at the enemys' weapons makes Dagger convinced that he too should upgrade his arsenal. With that in mind he contacts his embassy to deliver an Ice Gun via a care package.
[QUOTE][h2]Ice Gun[/h2]
[sp]-----------------------------------------------------[/sp]
[B]Description:[/B]
A special weapon capable of launching projectile gusts of sub-zero-degree temperature. A odd crystal seems to provide the energy needed to operate the device.
[sp]-----------------------------------------------------[/sp]
[B]Effects:[/B]
[highlight][B](1)[/B][/highlight] Base ATK is only [highlight]80%[/highlight].
[highlight][B](2)[/B][/highlight] Successful attack commands made with this weapon may freeze the target (determined by an after-command effect roll).
___ [B](a)[/B] Effect rolls of [B]7[/B], [B]8[/B], [B]9[/B], or [B]10[/B] result in freezing - the higher the roll, the longer the immobilization lasts.
[QUOTE][B](+)[/B] Effect roll of 7 - [I]Target frozen for [URL=]1 turn[/URL][/I].
[B](+)[/B] Effect roll of 8 - [I]Target frozen for [URL=]2 turns[/URL][/I].
[B](+)[/B] Effect roll of 9 - [I]Target frozen for [URL=]3 turns[/URL][/I] .
[B](+)[/B] Effect roll of 10 - [I]Target frozen for [URL=]4 turns[/URL][/I].[/QUOTE]
___ [B](b)[/B] Targets that are already frozen cannot be re-frozen by the Ice Gun until thawed.
[highlight][B](3)[/B][/highlight] Striking a frozen target with an attack whose primary roll outcome is [I]one point higher - but no greater -[/I] than the Ice Gun's roll responsible for inducing immobilization will inflict [b][URL=]50%[/URL][/b] more damage.
___ [B](a)[/B] The target will be dethawed after damage calculation.
[highlight][B](4)[/B][/highlight] This weapon can put out fires or cool things down.
[highlight][B](5)[/B][/highlight] The weapon's energy crystal must be replaced after being used [B]5 times.[/B]
___ [B](a)[/B] Reloading takes [B]2 turns[/B] to complete.[/QUOTE]
While in the well, I learned how to reproduce by budding. I grow two mini-me's.
After seeing the new agents on the battlefield I attempt to throw almonds at the noob agents causing a giant flock of dick punching birds to rain down from the sky to dick punch th enemy
Shit.
Commands:
Magmacow358: I load my shit into a cannon and fire it at the Mercenary Leader
Punisher Mech: Request a crate of med-kits and repair parts from the Warship.
A goatse portal appears and [b]Phallusia[/b] pries herself out of the reeking butthole.
[img]http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b217/amplexusae/WoW%20RSPs/phallusia.jpg[/img]
She proceeds to pry turdy lumps from her [b]Greasy Shit Slot[/b] and prime herself for battle.
Magic mirror now in hand (this turn is 1/1), I quickly run over to homer, asking to borrow the limbs of blacula. With those in hand, I use my magic mirror to suck life out of Mercenary Point man into said limbs, reviving blacula as a fellow ally!
I attempt to jam myself into Phallusia's anus so to stop her from reloading.
Me: Kick Mercenary Leader's heavy pistol out of his hand with great force and take it.
Polar Bear: Be extremely cute in an attempt to distract the enemy team.
Devour the magical stem cell enhanced cheese wheel, and get back to trying to release that cheese golem.
"Ah shit, there goes my leg again. It's a good thing they are only wooden pegs."
Command: I decide to rifle around in the rift I came through for some supplies, whether medical or combat in nature or both.
I attempt once more to get healing from the Chaos Gods
Dufflebag: Fire an explosive round at the mercenary group
Dammit, I can't get a link to theactual image, so:
TNED, wtf u no update?
Let's get some words put on this thread.
[QUOTE=zakedodead;35454518]Let's get some words, put on this thread.[/QUOTE]
Sure:
[t]http://i640.photobucket.com/albums/uu121/DSH_01/12-04-06.png[/t]
[sp]Extremely bad joke[/sp]
Sorry, I've been busy with MORE EXAMS, for it is that time of year where the college professors get together and collaborate the best way to screw over their students. I'm currently working on my second to final art project, and I have to write a short essay on Vietnam and the U.S. during the 1960s and 70s.
Altogether? It means I have no time to sit down and work on an update, if I wish to keep my sanity.
I was hoping that one of the other GMs and/or Respected Users would step up to the plate and bat up an update of sorts, but I see that wishful thinking does not go far. I might be able to crank one out tomorrow, if one doesn't get posted before hand.
In either case, I do wish you guys a Happy Easter, and I'll see you all later.
-Woops-
[QUOTE=DrasarSalman;35455666]
[sp]Extremely bad joke[/sp][/QUOTE]
Yes. Yes it was.
[editline]7th April 2012[/editline]
[QUOTE=SCopE5000;35336362] Some jacked up shit from one of the 18+ WoW roleplay servers... [/QUOTE]
...Dude, wtf?
[QUOTE=folcrum_flyer;35467975]...Dude, wtf?[/QUOTE]
Yeah, the last thing we need is some 4chan garbage (or whatever the hell you want to call it) spilling into this thread...
>Mr. Face joins the battle with a bang by accidentally crash-landing his Black Hawk helicopter into the ground.
[B][U]I COMMAND THIS THREAD TO LIVE![/U][/B]
[B]-Ally Commands-[/B]
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Zakedodead: I attempt to become incredibly rich and hire the mercenaries as double agents.
[B]Roll: 7. Success. You become mildly rich by stealing and then selling everything from some random persons house. You pull out your thick wad of cash and show it to the Mercenary Point-man, which causes him to lower his weapon."How would you like to work for me, and make double the money?" You say with the best impression of a rich person you can manage. The Merc accepts, and is now answering to you. (Added Mercenary Point-man to your team, "Double Agent" perk added to him: Will not be attacked by enemies until he attacks an enemy.)[/B]
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Combiner8761: Through the shell of Ian's body, the remains of my dark self stares in awe at Dagger. I force the SWAG king to rumble in his possessions for a pen and paper, so I can detail the awesome ritual to the means of replicating it!
[B]Roll: 3. Failure. After writing down what Dagger said, you prepare to say it yourself. You shout the chant, and the portal to hell opens again. You are about to celebrate when you are dragged into it as well, forgetting that standing near a portal to hell is a bad idea. You aren't too sad about it, as Hell has amazing coffe, but then Joke comes up from behind with a stick and beats the shit out of you. "Tell Dagger I'll be seeing him soon enough!" (500 damage to you, stuck in hell.)[/B]
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Trounark: I have a threesome with Agent's 5 and 9 wives and then do a triple back-flip into my Lamborghini.
[B]Roll: 5. Neutral. They aren't interested.[/B]
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Samppa's team:
Samppa: Load the heavy duty vibrator into a mortar and turn it on before firing it into the group of mercenaries.
[B]Roll: 3. Failure. You pull out the SUPERSHAKE(tm) Vibrator into a cannon (You couldn't find a mortar) and light the fuse. Just as it fires, you notice a shiny penny behind you. You turn around and bend over to pick it up, not realising that the Vibrator bounced off a wall and is heading straight for you. [I]SHHHHHHHCCCLIIICK.[/I] The active vibrator smashes into your asshole while at a speed of 300 mph! Needless to say you are in immense pain and the fact that your intestines are experiencing an earthquake isn't helping.(500 damage to you, Vibrator in ass: -1 on rolls)[/B]
Axebeard Thundernipples: Slip the Hero's Axe through the braids in your beard, ensuring that it is firmly fastened before charging into the group of mercenaries with a ferocious whirlwind spin, attempting to slice as many foes as possible.
[B]Roll: 8. Success. Axebeard ties his indestructible beard around the Hero's Axe before going into a fierce spin. The Mercs are too busy laughing at Samppa to notice the spinning-axe apocalypse behind them, so Axebeard is able to use the axe in his beard to slice them to ribbons, chopping off limbs with ease! (800 damage all Mercenaries)[/B]
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Firearm's team:
Cortez: In a nutshell, Cortez tries to win back Dawson the Riot Officer.
[B]Roll: 4. Minor failure. While trying to come up with a way to win Dawson back, Cortez impulsively grabs him and leans him back, after which he whispers to him: "Kiss me, you fool." Dawson kicks him in the balls. (100 damage Cortez)[/B]
Dagger: Glancing at the enemys' weapons makes Dagger convinced that he too should upgrade his arsenal. With that in mind he contacts his embassy to deliver an Ice Gun via a care package.
[B]Roll: 10. CRITICAL! While Cortez is off trying to explore his sexuality, you decide its time to TAKE ACTION. And not the "Call for help" kind of action, HELL NO. You put on your manly as fuck suit and sunglasses before punching through a concrete wall, grabbing a large chunk of debris and using it as a snowboard of sorts to ride down the side of an erupting volcano, doing back-flips over flaming boulders and pools of lava while fighting off SPACE NINJAS from SPACE. One of those stupid bastards shoots a rocket at your concrete board, so you jump just at the right time to perform a ROCKET JUMP. You snap his neck with your feet mid-air then his his corpse to finish surfing down the volcano. You jump over a cliff filled with LASER SPIKES and dismount the dead guy before landing on the roof of a TANK. rip the hatch off and shred everyone inside with YOUR BARE FUCKING HANDS before hijacking the tank and making it go 300% FASTER by KICKING IT. You finally get to the ice temple where the gun is held. The door is locked, but YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT SO YOU DRIVE THROUGH THE WALL. The Ice-gun's pedestal is obviously booby-trapped, so you grab it and tell the oncoming boulder to go fuck itself by THROWING A LARGER BOULDER AT IT. You casually walk out of the temple with the ice gun in hand, and say: "All in a days work." (Added Ice gun, added Manly as fuck perk: Any enemy who attacks you will get -1 on their roll.)[/B]
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Mr.destroyer: While in the well, I learned how to reproduce by budding. I grow two mini-me's.
[B]Roll: 9. Success! While trapped in the well, you somehow learn to self-reproduce. You shit out two smaller copies of yourself to accompany you. (Added Mini-D's A and B.)[/B]
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Inanitysbitch: After seeing the new agents on the battlefield I attempt to throw almonds at the noob agents causing a giant flock of dick punching birds to rain down from the sky to dick punch th enemy
[B]Roll: 5. You decide againt using Dick-punching birds for fear of your own nuts being tenderized.[/B]
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Magma's team:
Magmacow358: I load my shit into a cannon and fire it at the Mercenary Leader
[B]Roll: 4. Minor Failure. You attempt to shit into ye-olde cannon, but you get some on your shoes. (100 rage damage to you)[/B]
Punisher Mech: Request a crate of med-kits and repair parts from the Warship.
[B]Roll: 10. CRITICAL! The Punisher Mech dials up the Warship and asks nicely for a large crate of med-kits and Repair parts. Due to his kindness, the captain of the ship accepts and authorizes the supply drop. However, it seems that someone in the Cargo bay messed up and accidentally sent a crate full of weapons down in addition to the other supplies. Groovy. (Added Crate of Supplies and Crate of weapons.[/B]
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SCopE5000: A goatse portal appears and Phallusia pries herself out of the reeking butthole.
She proceeds to pry turdy lumps from her Greasy Shit Slot and prime herself for battle.
[B]Roll: 5. Neutral. The Random Number Generator decides something like this doesn't deserve to exist and rolls you a 5.[/B]
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xxFalconxx: Magic mirror now in hand (this turn is 1/1), I quickly run over to homer, asking to borrow the limbs of blacula. With those in hand, I use my magic mirror to suck life out of Mercenary Point man into said limbs, reviving blacula as a fellow ally!
[B]Roll: 7. Success. The point-man is now an ally, so you instead decide to sacrifice the Infiltrator. You hold your magic mirror up high in the air and transfer 1,000 HP from the Infiltrator to Blacula, Reviving him. (Added Blacula, -1000 hp to Infiltrator.)[/B]
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Mountainwatcher: I attempt to jam myself into Phallusia's anus so to stop her from reloading.
[B]Roll 0. Phallusia doesn't exist, so you just read a book about not shoving yourself into someone's anus.[/B]
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Billy's team:
Billy Maize: Me: Kick Mercenary Leader's heavy pistol out of his hand with great force and take it.
[B]Roll: 7. Success. You Round-house kick the Leaders heavy pistol out of his hand and clumsily grab it. (Added Heavy Pistol)[/B]
Polar Bear: Be extremely cute in an attempt to distract the enemy team.
[B]Roll: 6. Minor Success. The Polar Bear acts really cute, which manages to distract the enemies. (Enemies will not attack this turn)[/B]
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Folcrum flyer: Devour the magical stem cell enhanced cheese wheel, and get back to trying to release that cheese golem.
[B]Roll: 2. Failure! You grab the stem cell of the cheese wheel and cram it into your mouth. The next day you find you have Enchanted cheese cancer and have 3 turns to live unless you find a cure. (Added: Enchanted Cheese cancer! You have 3 turns to find a cure before you die!)[/B]
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Eva-1337: I decide to rifle around in the rift I came through for some supplies, whether medical or combat in nature or both.
[B]Roll: 6. Minor Success. You reach into the rift from where you came, and pull out a half-used first aid kit. Oh well, it shal have to do. (Restored 100 hp)[/B]
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Sunny's team:
Sunny Dei: I attempt once more to get healing from the Chaos Gods
[B]Roll: 9. Success. You pray to the Gods of Chaos, asking for a heal. They answer your plea by having a skydiver who's chute failed land right next to you, Stimpack in hand. "Well, that works." (Restored 1,000 hp!)[/B]
Dufflebag: Fire an explosive round at the mercenary group
[B]Roll: 4. Minor failure. After picking up a gun loaded with explosives rounds, the Dufflebag remembers that it is infact, a Dufflebag. It gets confused as to how it is holding a gun and gets a migrane. (How the fuck do bags get migranes?)(100 damage to Dufflebag)[/B]
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Mr. Face: I join the battle with a bang by accidentally crash-landing my Black Hawk helicopter into the ground.
[B]Roll: 3. Failure. You fly into the battlefield and get the tail of your helicopter shot off by a laser. You are forced to crash-land your chopper. You obviously don't come out of it perfectly fine, though because you where just in a friggin' helicopter crash. (500 damage to you, Added you to battle.)[/B]
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I just noticed Smas' command, causing me to realize that Folc is dead. So fuck it, Folc magically popped back to life just before he ate the cheese because Smas wanted him to.
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All the enemies are distracted by a cute polar bear.
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-Allies-
Team Anderson:
Mr.anderson: 1,500/2,000
Enderdragon: 1,500/4,000 (Immune to Fire) (no wings)
Grey Knight: 2,000/2,000
Team Billy:
Billy Maize: 2,000/2,000 (Heavy Pistol)
Polar Bear: 1,900/2,000
Team Bl1tz:
Bl1tzX: 2,000/2,000 (Electric GuiBard acquired!(Positive Rolls grant team +1 to rolls during turn. Negative rolls result in -1))
Team Combiner:
Combiner8761: 900/2,000 (dark powers) (SANDWICH OF GODS!)
Team Cookie:
Cookie53: DEAD!
Team Drasar:
Drasarsalman: 1,000/2,000 (4 leaf clover)
Wizard: 2,000/2,000 (Lucky M1911: +1 on roll when weapon is used)
Team Egbert:
John Egbert: 2,000/2,000
Jade Harley: 2,000/2,000
Rose Lalonde: 2,000/2,000
Team Eva-1337:
Eva-1337: 1,500/1,500
Team Falcon
xxFalconxx: 2,000/2,000
Blacula: 1,000/2,000
Team Foob:
Foobagooba: 2,000/2,000
Team Firearms:
Firearms136 (aka dagger): 2,200/2,200 (Disarmed Bag: +1 to rolls)(Master Espionage Perk)(Ice Gun)(Manly as fuck perk: Enemies get -1 on roll when attacking Dagger)
Dawson: Became a Family Man!
Homer: 1,500/2,000 (Gluttony: All healing items in the form of edible foods and beverages replenish 50% more health.) (Limbs of blackula)(Can’t Attack(1/2))
Cortez: 1,900/2,000 (Spectral Gun(3x Against Ghosts)(Useless against Living things))
Team Folcrum
Folcrum_flyer: 2,000/2,000 (Enchanted cheese cancer: Will die in 3 turns if cure isn't found!)
Scald: Bullet through head!
Team Hidole:
Hidole555: 2,100/2,200
Team Insanity:
InsanitysBitch: 2,400/2,500 (Box of Almonds)
Team Ian:
Ian: 1,200/2,000 (Swagtastic Perk) (Quasar Crown) (Swagnum) (Stuck in hell!)
Team Jarrod:
Jarrod: 1,900/2,000 (Broken Bike, Shipping Manifest, Stats Sheet)
Team Magma:
Magmacow358: 600/2,000 (Swagnum)(Armor(1,500/1,500))(Arm Blaster)
Punisher Mech: 3,300/4,000 (Justice)
Crate of Supplies: 5/5 Medkits (Instantly restore 500 hp), 5/5 Repair parts (Same as medkits, but only works for robots.).
Crate of Weapons: Weapons: 3/3. When using a weapon-get command, your roll goes up by 1 and the lowest roll you can get is 3. Bad rolls do not use up weapons.
Team Mr.Destroy
Mr.Destroyer: 1,000/2,000 (SPESS MARINE Suit: 1,900/2,000)(Ghost Stompers)
Mini-D A: 1,500/1,500
Mini-D B: 1,500/1,500
Team Face
Mr.face: 1,500/2,000
Team Nomad:
PrivateNomad: 2,000/2,000 (Portal Gun)
Team Samiam:
Samiam22: 1,900/2,000
Team Smas:
Smas: 1,700/2,000 (Sword of Anti-Dead(2x Damage vs Undead)(x.5 Damage to other Undead upon Undead Kill))
Team Sunny:
Sunny Dei: 1,500/2,000 (Flaming Battle Axe(Does Fire Damage Yo))(Ghost Stompers(Can strike undead))
DuffleBag: 1,900/2,000 (Bolter)
That Team:
That Ninja: 1,500/2,000
Team Trounark:
Trounark: 2,000/2,000 (Dual Pistols)
Team Samppa:
Samppa: 900/2,000 (Missing Detonator) (universal remote) (Vibrator in ass: -1 on rolls))
Axebeard Thundernipples: 3,500/3,500 (Super Viking Powers) (Hero’s Axe(Rolls of 10 Instant Kill)(Ignore Defense Buffs))
Team Zake:
Zakedodead: 1,900/2,200 (Generic Holy Sword(Does Holy Damage Yo/1.5x Damage to Undead))(2x Plot Coupons)
Merc Point-man: 2,000/2,000 (Double-agent: Will not be attacked by enemies, but perk is lost once an enemy is attacked.)
Team Zarjk:
Zarjk: 2,000/2,000 (copy of halo 3) (Angry Grandpa Minigun)(Power Armor arriving in 2/3 turns)
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-Enemies-
Agent 5: Phasing into reality: 10,000/10,000(Rock trap(-500 HP/turn))
Agent 9: Phasing into reality: 10,000/10,000(Rock trap(-500 HP/turn))
Mercenary Leader: 4,200/5,000 (+1 to Rolls for all other Mercenaries)
Mercenary Marksman: 2,200/3,000 (Semi-Auto Assault Rifle)
Mercenary Infiltrator: 1,200/3,000 (Sub-Machine Gun)
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-Neutral-
Tony Stark: 600/2,000 (Mark III Iron Man: 2,000/2,000)
The Grotesque: 3,800/4,000
Haze: 1,600/2,000(Flying) (noxious gas vents) (reduces enemy defence to 80% on successful gas-based attack until enemy rolls 5 or above)
Sheogorath: ???/??? (Immortal/Can't Be moved from Neutral Team)(Flying Chair)
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I laughed when I found out that Ian and Combiner switched bodies this turn, meaning that Ian is stuck in hell and Combiner is fine :v:
Well, Id say that turned out pretty good.
Thank you for posting an update. It is quite hard to sit down and type, especially when I have more pressing matters to attend to, such as putting cardboard race tracks together with duct-tape, writing terrible Java programs, figuring out the Kennedy conspiracy, and "discovering" the ethical side of life and why I should listen to the arguments of old (wo)men, all while trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life. [sp]I have decided that I want to be a K-12 teacher, possibly specializing in either Writing or History, and if those fail, I can always put my math skills to use.[/sp]
*cough*
Well, I guess I'm done with the mini-rant/congratulations. Commands are as follows:
>Smas: Attempt to coerce Tony Stark to rejoin your team.
I name Mini D A Terry Fitzgerald and I name B Turd Fergison.
I'm going to say this one more time for the record, Dufflebag is a Chaos Marine, not an actual Dufflebag. That being said:
I charge at the Mercenary Leader, hoping to take his head as part of my trophy collection
Dufflebag: After suppressing the voices in his head telling him he's a bag, he decided to throw a bomb at the Merc. Leader as well
Me: Shoot the merc leader right in the dick.
Polar Bear: Sneeze Coca-Cola bottle shards at Merc Leader and his mercs.
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