[QUOTE=TheSmartass;37782244][img]https://dl.dropbox.com/u/55034583/creepysadistkid.png[/img][/QUOTE]
Dexter as a kid.
If there is a car unlocked,it has something valuable inside probably. Check them out when nobody is around.
You fly if you drug arms fly up do............What?
Never pet a burning dog
whatever you do man, don't fuck his sister.
Fap on the toilet while you draw a bath or warm up a shower
You get to clean up the evidence in your environment in one push of the silver handle (and maybe a wipe or two if it shot particularly high) and the evidence on your body in the bath/shower. And if you're uncircumcised you can clean your foreskin, too!
Its like hitting 3 birds with one stone.
Never kill birds with stones when there are better, more annoying targets nearby.
[QUOTE=geogzm;37747817]if your dick even has a smell you should probably visit a doctor[/QUOTE]
Give her the dick
[QUOTE=Desuh;37781661][IMG]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-St5OP8DEZIM/T1OI-5uYwBI/AAAAAAAAfaU/csQJ0JYvegk/s1600/advice.gif[/IMG][/QUOTE]
Dexter seems like a nice guy.
If It's Yellow, Let It Mellow. If It's Brown, Flush It Down.
An anemone or clematis plant's juice can cause a rash. When pruning them it's a good idea to wear gloves
[QUOTE=geogzm;37747817]if your dick even has a smell you should probably visit a doctor[/QUOTE]Or take a shower
Flush the toilet between taking a leak and delivering the sample to the test chamber, otherwise you'll splash pee on your butt.
[QUOTE=toastedjam;37782881]
if a girlfriend cheats on you, have sex with her mom :quagmire:[/QUOTE]
I did once.
:ohdear:
[editline]25th September 2012[/editline]
She was hot, though, so it's okay.
Fifteen'll get you twenty
Don't thrust at 88mph.
Religion and politics are similar in the fact that they all have their apathetics, they're rational medianists, and they're screaming, blabbering, extremist maniacs.
Don't leave a convertible parked with the top open, doors unlocked, keys in the ignition, and still running.
I shit you not, someone did that at my university. I was severly tempted to move the car to another parking lot, and leave them a series of note-clues as to where it was and make them go on a hunt for it. I didn't, mostly because people would probably notice it wasn't mine and I don't have a license, so if I was caught doing it I'd be in quite a lot of shit.
[QUOTE=Moustacheman;37803694]Religion and politics are similar in the fact that they all have their [B]apathetics.[/B][/QUOTE]
The key word being 'pathetic'. Speaking of religion, just pretend to be Catholic while attending a private school, grades are 'coincidentally' better.
never ever try and flush a condom down the toilet. always put it in the bin, it does'nt matter how much toilet paper you wrap in, there's still always the chance it will float back to the surface.
And then your ex girlfriends mum will find it and call you up on this in front of her whole family.
Like what happened to me the other day...
One seemingly common question when doing work interviews is "What profession would you definitely not want to work as", I always answer "Bee keeper".
If ya cant aim for the head, aim for the crotch, just as effective.
If you want to have a fun time while having sex from behind, tell her you have aids and grab onto her hair and try to stay in. Time yourself and compare with others for maximum fun.
The best place to punch someone to knock them out is in the side of the head.
If you eat a small amount of chocolate every day you actually lose weight.
Add "for science", "for Jesus", or "for Helen Keller" to the end of any sentence for maximum hilarity.
sperm can't operate in a zero gravity environment, so you don't have to worry about getting someone preggers if you're having sex in zero g
Never let a chinese man piss on your rug
When in doubt, whip it out.
[QUOTE=Atersk;37746810]
Nobody better than Bill Hicks for giving unusual advice.
Oh, and also have some Mitch Hedberg, why not?:
I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that’s the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say “The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?”[/QUOTE]
"I can't even drown my knees"
If you flatulate into your own mouth, your teeth will smell it.
When you flash the pan on the basket, be sure to tip the cable guy.
When life gives you lemons, complain to life that you wanted limes.
If you ever find yourself waist deep in phlegm, panic.
[QUOTE=thelurker1234;37783196]Don't fuck that sexy Brazilian teacher, she's married[/QUOTE]
What about the white one with the nice ass?
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