If youre ever caught looking at porn, blame facepunch.
[QUOTE=carcarcargo;37995847]If youre ever caught looking at porn, blame facepunch.[/QUOTE]
blame your penis.
As long as you don't go in the kitchen, the holy spirit Finnish baker won't spray whipped cream on your laughing tits
Eating a bowl of nails with out milk makes you badass.
Bathe Daily.
Trust me, you'll thank me.
If you've always suspected your penis wasn't normal, then it isn't.
Next time the chocolate syrup is almost empty, add some paint thinner to remove the remainder of the syrup.
I'm gonna kick this thread into overdrive.
[h2]HOW TO CRASH-LAND A PLANE ON WATER[/h2]
[sub][sub]These instructions apply to small passenger propeller planes, not large commercial jets.
These instructions also assume you're not already falling like a rock.[/sub][/sub]
[B]1.) Sit at the controls, dipshit.[/B] [img]http://sae.tweek.us/static/images/emoticons/emot-downs.gif[/img]
If there are two sets of controls, the left seat takes priority over the right one.
If the pilot is unconscious or dead or w/e it's alright to use the right seat though.
[I]Now put on the damn seat belt.[/I]
[B]2.) Put on the headset* and call for help.[/B]
There should be a button on the steering wheel*, hold it down to talk.
While the button is pressed, you can't hear anything though so don't go all RE6 with this thing.
Change the channel to 121.5 (the emergency channel) and say "mayday" over and over in a clear tone so people don't hear your breath and shit.
Anyone that answers on this channel is guaranteed to help you through landing.
[sub][sub]*If there isn't a headset, you should find something similar to a police radio in there. Controls would function the same.[/sub][/sub]
[B][U]If that didn't work then oh shit we got more steps.[/U][/B]
[B]3.) Treasure hunt![/B]
[B]Yoke:[/B]
The steering wheel is called a "yoke", not that it matters in this situation though.
Pulling it back goes up, pushing it forward makes you go down.
Turning left and right is basically the same as a car.
THE YOKE IS VERY SENSITIVE, DONT HAM-HAND THIS OR YOU'LL DIE.
The nose of the plane should be [I]slightly[/I] below the horizon and laterally level.
[B]Altimeter:[/B]
Super important as you'd assume, unless you're just about to land you'll want to keep an eye on this.
It's often a black dial with white hands and numbers in the center of the dashboard. Zero is at the top always.
Small hand = Thousands
Large hand = Hundreds
The increments are usually labeled near the center of the dial with either "feet" or "ft" or "meters" or "m".
[B]Heading:[/B]
This word is Pilot language for "compass".
It has a little cute picture of a plane in the middle.
[B]Airspeed:[/B]
You can find this little guy in the very top left of the dashboard.
The increments are usually in knots ([img]http://sae.tweek.us/static/images/emoticons/emot-furcry.gif[/img]), but are sometimes in mph or kph.
Now you get to pretend to be Keanu Reeves, because [B][I]it's dangerous for the plane to go under a certain speed.[/I][/B]
Keep it at 120 knots and you'll be fine. Don't go below 70 or ur cruisin 4 a bruisin.
1 knot = 1.25mph = 2kph
[B]Tachometer:[/B] [img]http://sae.tweek.us/static/images/emoticons/emot-techno.gif[/img] warning
You can find this dial near the throttle.
It tells you how hard the engine is working in terms of RPMs (revolutions per minute).
If you're in a fancier plane, you might find something else called a "manifold pressure gauge".
This gauge looks like one of those old mercury thermometers people don't use anymore.
1 inch of mercury = 100 rpm
[B]Throttle:[/B]
This lever makes you go fast like sanic.
It's black and sits on the right (unless there's two seats, in which case it's in the middle).
Forward = faster = go up
backward = slower = go down
In most cases, pulling the throttle all the way back is tantamount to turning the engine off so that's a big nono.
[B]Fuel:[/B]
lol do i even have to tell you this?
just keep an eye on it and make sure you're not losing it all quickly.
these last more than 4 hours so you're probably not gonna run out.
just do what the guy on the radio says as fast as possible and you won't have to worry about this at all.
[B]Mixture Control:[/B]
Looks like a red knob or lever and it's on your right or between the seats.
Push it forward to increase fuel flow, pull it back to decrease.
[B]Autopilot:[/B]
Oh boy the easy button!
It should be a switch right next to the yoke on either side.
There's also 3 other switches/buttons that say "alt", "heading", and "nav".
Don't worry about those, they'll just help you find it for now.
[B]Flaps:[/B]
The controls for these things turn the plane in a variety of directions, and can even slow it down.
[img]http://sae.tweek.us/static/images/emoticons/emot-siren.gif[/img][i]Don't touch these controls for the love of christ.[/i][img]http://sae.tweek.us/static/images/emoticons/emot-siren.gif[/img]
[B]4.) God hates homosexual planes.[/B] [img]http://sae.tweek.us/static/images/emoticons/emot-catholic.gif[/img]
Use the yoke to get the plane level and flying straight, then engage the autopilot.
Press the "alt" and "heading" buttons until lights that say "hold" turn on.
Older planes don't have these lights, so just wait until the "alt" and "heading" buttons light up.
Now you don't have to hold the yoke!
If you're not sure if the autopilot is fully engaged, slowly let the yoke go limp.
If it goes too far in any direction repeat this step until autopilot is engaged.
[B]5.) Find a parking spot.[/B] [img]http://sae.tweek.us/static/images/emoticons/emot-iiaca.gif[/img]
You don't want to be landing on any reefs, rocks, shallow water, or whathaveyou, so make sure they aren't around before you continue to the next step.
[B]6.) The scary part.[/B] [img]http://sae.tweek.us/static/images/emoticons/emot-spooky.gif[/img]
Don't panic, but you have to turn off autopilot to continue.
Pull back on the throttle to start descending so you can see the water more clearly.
Once you're at 2,000 feet pull the yoke back to re-level yourself.
[B]7.) Do the wave.[/B]
If the water is pretty much flat, ignore this step.
If you see waves or swells, try and land on the backside of them.
DO NOT land in front of a wave.
DO NOT land parallel to a wave.
[B]8.) Can't go fast.[/b]
Pull back on the throttle to slow down and descend until you're at about 200 feet.
Keep yourself level with the yoke.
[b]9.) Eyes on the skies.[/b]
Keep pulling back on the throttle until the tachometer says 1,500 rpms or 15 inches of mercury.
Pull back on the yoke so the nose almost completely covers the horizon.
Make sure the propeller doesn't hit the water (unless you're a fan of whiplash).
[b]10.) The Eagle Has Landed.[/b] [img]http://sae.tweek.us/static/images/emoticons/jeb.001.gif[/img]
You're almost there, just a few more steps!
The altimeter is now useless, judge with your eyes from here on out.
If you think you're about 10 feet above the water pull the throttle all the way back.
When you're at about 5 feet, pull the fuel mixture back too.
Hold onto the yoke tightly to make sure the plane doesn't dip back down again.
Make sure the back of the plane touches the water first.
If the plane has landing gear that doesn't retract, brace yourself by making sure you don't bite your friggin tongue.
[b]11.) ABANDON SHIP![/b] [img]http://sae.tweek.us/static/images/emoticons/emot-frogout.gif[/img]
You don't have to wait for the plane to stop fully, just get the hell outta there.
If for some reason the door is stuck, kick out the windshield.
[b]12.) Now we play the waiting game.[/b]
If there's life vests or a raft inside the plane, take those and use them obviously.
The plane will sink, but most have an emergency location transmitter inside.
Don't try and go anywhere, you'll just tire yourself out and make it harder to find you.
I hope this advice is unusual enough, I might make more of these if enough people ask.
One bird can't fly for two.
[QUOTE=sparky28000;38007890]One bird can't fly for two.[/QUOTE]
Damn. That is amazing advice. It totally hits my heart.
Opossums do not carry rabies, their body temp is too low. If a oppossum enters you house/tent/campsite/etc. most adult opossums can be scared into a fake death (Playing opossum) and then lifted by the tail. Hold it at arms length and relocate it.
If you need to trap a opossum for example if one has moved into your shed or is getting into your trash, a can of cat food or a few slices of deli meat will usually work as bait. Unlike raccoons the opossum will probably fall asleep in your trap so you may not hear it when approaching.
[IMG]http://i47.tinypic.com/i1wjs5.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i45.tinypic.com/2vk0vw3.jpg[/IMG]
Once trapped feel free to taunt the animal before relocating it.
Windows key + [Number 1-9] in windows 7/8 will open the program on the taskbar that counts as that number. So Win + 1 will open the first program on the row, Win + 2 will open the second, etc.
[editline]12th October 2012[/editline]
If you're gonna buy something off a local online store, check eBay first to see if there's a cheaper deal on your item there.
[editline]12th October 2012[/editline]
If you have problems trying to sleep, try listening to something like this: [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INrR7Jv57d8[/url]
It's no good meeting the right person too soon or too late
If you're too far away from your car to use the remote, hold the remote to the bottom of your chin. Your skull will help reflect the signal towards the car.
Your dick gets bigger when you pull on it.
[QUOTE=Desuh;37781661][IMG]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-St5OP8DEZIM/T1OI-5uYwBI/AAAAAAAAfaU/csQJ0JYvegk/s1600/advice.gif[/IMG][/QUOTE]
Dexter is telling us to cut ourselves, atleast hers sounds like it has a meaning...
If your eye hurts after drinking coffee, try taking out the spoon.
Do not eat bombs. They will kill you and make you dead.
The solution to all your problems is to position yourself near a window, rip off your pants, force yourself to shit on the floor, and jump out the window whilst everybody is in shock.
If your dog starts talking to you, throw a grape at it.
Trust me, if it happens, fucking do it.
If you do not shake the bottle none'll come but then a lot'll
If your shield is down, run right at the motherfucker that took it out and give him a face full of buckshot.
[QUOTE=buttered_toast;37801663]Flush the toilet between taking a leak and delivering the sample to the test chamber, otherwise you'll splash pee on your butt.[/QUOTE]
Another tip:
set some toilet paper in a flat sheet across the toilet water before pooping. This minimizes splashing of the water into the anal cavity, causing discomfort.
[QUOTE=MazerRackham;38005321]If you've always suspected your penis wasn't normal, then it isn't.[/QUOTE]
I've got Vitiligo, so it's spotted and it's twisted slightly to the right.
My bit, don't cross the road if you can't get out of the kitchen.
Never, and I mean, NEVER, fuck with a McCloud. We will always get you in the end.
My family's legacy of revenge dates all the way back to around 1703, when my ancestor Donald McCloud decided to take up sheep-herding. Well, soon after, a nearby Shepard, not wanting any competition, decided to start stealing Donald's sheep.
When Donald caught him in the act, he swore revenge. For two long, begrudging weeks, Donald ate nothing but haggis (my family's revenge food) as he plotted his revenge.
Soon enough, Donald broke into the Shepard's pens, took back the stolen sheep, and led the rest off of a cliff.
If you are tired, try removing the tire.
[QUOTE=Moustacheman;38054682]Never, and I mean, NEVER, fuck with a McCloud. [/QUOTE]
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.
Half life 2 isn't as good as Iphone. Iphone has more gigabytes.
Don't waste your time reading this.
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