• Show me your offensive/dark jokes
    116 replies, posted
Two guys walk into a bar. [sp]the soldier was later dishonorably discharged for murdering a sarge and a corporal.[/sp] [editline]12th May 2016[/editline]
Why can't Helen Keller drive? [sp]Because she's a woman.[/sp]
How do you get a baby out of a bowl? [sp]With a blender.[/sp] How do you get it out of that? [sp]With chips.[/sp]
I guess Prince really did turn into a King by the end. [sp] of Spades, since they needed some to dig him a hole [/sp]
Why did Postal take a picture of his ass? [SP]Because you couldn't see his pecker[/SP]
Needs to be spoken really but What is the best thing about fucking 25 year olds? [sp]there's 20 of them[/sp]
What's the difference between a Pakistani elementary school and a ISIS training camp? [sp]Fuck if I know. I just fly the drone...[/sp]
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jewish person? [sp]A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.[/sp]
a nazi officer addresses a group of jews whove just arrived at a concentration camp "ive got good news and ive got bad news. the good news is you'll all be spending the rest of your lives in luxurious hotels all around the world. the bad news is: [sp]youll be soap"[/sp]
What's the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage? [sp]You can't eat the train carriage.[/sp]
Those poor kids at Sandy Hook. [sp]They wanted books, but they got magazines instead.[/sp] How many blacks does it take to start a riot? [sp]-1[/sp] Why is it so hard to break up with your Japanese girlfriend? [sp]You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets the message.[/sp] [sp]Incest : Generally relative, but not always apparent.[/sp] What breaks when you give it to a 3-year old? [sp]Her hips[/sp] I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back. [sp]Apparently that's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.[/sp]
A man is driving through Harlem when he spots an antique store. Intrigued, he goes in, and his eyes are immediately drawn to a strange golden statue of a rat. He feels the urge to purchase it, so he goes to the guy at the counter. "How much for the golden rat?" "The rat is $75, but the book is $200. Believe me, you'll want the book." "...I think I'll just have the rat, thanks." "Suit yourself," said the owner, "but you'll be back for the book!" And he sold him the golden statue of the rat and the man exits. The man drives for a while, and all of a sudden, rats begin following his car. They're pouring out of abandoned buildings and crack houses and the gutter. Within minutes, the street is filled with millions of rats, all chasing this man's car, trying to get to the rat statue. Thinking quickly, he floors it towards the East River and jumps out of the car at the last minute. The rats, blindly following the car to get to the rat statue, all jump into the river and drown! Just like that, the threat is over, and the entire neighborhood of Harlem is completely cleansed of rats. Not one rat survived the plunge. The man then goes back to the antique store. The man behind the counter looks at him. "Told you you'd be back! Do you want to buy the book now?" The man says, [sp]"Fuck your book, do you have any golden nigger statues for sale?"[/sp]
When I was at Subway, the girl in front of me ordering was like "Can I get a six inch sub?" And I'm like "Noo, but you can get my foot long dick!" Not really a joke, but definitely an offensive thought.
*knock kock* Who's there ? James. James who ? [sp]James begins to cry as his amnesiac grandmother no longer recognizes him.[/sp]
Middle Eastern children [sp]explode with happiness on holidays.[/sp] [editline]14th May 2016[/editline] BONUS ROUND: What's the hardest part about cooking vegetebales? [sp]Getting the wheelchair into the oven[/sp]
Why do French people have a good taste in music? [sp]Because those with the bad taste died in the Bataclan[/sp]
what do you call four homeless black guys under a red blanket? [sp]kit kat[/sp] what do you call a black guy in church? [sp]holy shit[/sp]
How do you get a baby out of a blender? [sp]tacos![/sp]
there's this 17 year old boy named jimmy, and his uncle's getting married his new aunt is this widow, a very ugly broad, but his uncle was bonkers for her so they have their wedding, and they go to the aunt's house for the after party everyone's eating at the table, and jimmy notices his new aunt has a daughter from one of her previous marriages, a very attractive one at that she notices him looking at her, and gives him a little smile throughout all dinner they give each other smiles and flirty glances afterwards, jimmy goes upstairs to her room to see her, and she's just lying on her bed, smiling jimmy can't help himself, he goes up to her and kisses her right on the mouth she lets him, and keep on smiling jimmy knows that it's time he takes off his clothes, takes off hers, and they have sex and it was great, for jimmy, at least. she starts crying, and jimmy's starting to feel real awful, regretting what he had done but all of a sudden, jimmy hears footsteps coming up the stairs panicked, he puts back on his clothes, puts her back into her clothes, [sp]puts her back into her crib[/sp] and goes to hide in the bathroom
Stop me if you heard this one. How long does it take a dindu to take a shit? [sp]Nine months[/sp]
What was the last thing that went through the heads of the kids at Sandy Hook? [sp]Bullets[/sp] What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? [sp]A sandy hook survivor[/sp]
How do you babysit a black child? A: Lick its lips and stick it to the window. B: Put velcro on the ceiling and let it jump on the bed. Did you hear about the new Italian tires? Daygo through mud, daygo through snow, daygo through water, and when they go flat they go "wop wop wop wop." What was Helen Keller's favorite colour? Corduroy. How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she misbehaved? A: They'd rearrange the furniture. B: They'd stick the plunger in the toilet as she went to sit down. What's the difference between boy scouts and jews? Boy scouts come back from camp. What do you call a group of white people pushing a car up a hill? White power. What do you call a group of black people pushing a car up a hill? Black power. What do you call a group of Mexicans pushing a car up a hill? Grand theft auto. How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw. What do you say when you walk in the living room and see your TV floating in the middle of the night? "DROP IT NIGGER!" What's faster than said nigger running down the street with your TV? His brother with your VCR. Why do black people have big dicks? Because god felt bad for putting their pubes on their head. What do you call a New Zealander and his sheep? A happily married couple.
[QUOTE=Volf;50336386] What do you say when you walk in the living room and see your TV floating in the middle of the night? "DROP IT NIGGER!"[/QUOTE] What do you say when you see your fridge floating? Nothing, you run because that's a fucking big one
What do Jewish paedophiles say? [sp] hey kid want to buy some candy [/sp] [editline]17th May 2016[/editline] What's the difference between a pizza and a black man [sp] a pizza can feed a family of four [/sp]
Why do redneck murders always go unsolved? [sp]There are no dental records, and all the DNA matches.[/sp]
What's the one thing that's harder to find than my TV remote? [sp] Madeline McCann [/sp]
why did the one month old african baby cry? [sp]it was having a mid-life crisis[/sp]
how do muslims blow up their phones [sp] they put it on airplane mode[/sp]
Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes. Stalin stops and surveys the crowd. "Who sneezed?" he asks. Deathly silence. "I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?" Not a peep. "Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!" A few seconds later, the entire first row of the audience is lying in bloody heaps on the ground. "Now, who sneezed?" Still not a whimper. "Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!" The second row writhes and breathes its last. "Now, comrades: who sneezed?" Absolute silence. "Third row! Stand up! Guards! Op...." "Wait! Wait!" From the sixth row a man rises, shaking so hard with fear that he can barely stay on his legs. "Please! Comrade Stalin! It was me. I sneezed." Stalin fixes his eye on the wretch. The entire audience watches, paralysed. "You sneezed?" "Yes, Comrade Stalin, yes. It was me." [sp]"Bless you, comrade!"[/sp]
[QUOTE=Tools;50330992]How do you get a baby out of a blender? [sp]tacos![/sp][/QUOTE] How do you get a baby out of a blender? [sp]Why the fuck did you put a baby in a blender?[/sp]
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