• Show me your offensive/dark jokes
    116 replies, posted
A little girl runs to her father, weeping and crying her eyes out. The panicked father asks her what's wrong, and she replies "I was at the park today and a strange man came up to me and took me aside into the bushes!" [I]"Oh god"[/i] the father replies, [i]"Tell me EXACTLY what happened"[/I] "Well I was playing on the swings, and the man came up to me and told me that you were waiting for me, and that he was to take me to you. So I took his hand and followed him" [I]"Okay, go on"[/I] says the father, remaining as calm as he can "Then in a quiet place in the park, he led me into some bushes, and he..." [I]"Yes?"[/I] Struggling to go on, the girl begins, "He run his hand up my skirt and begun to undress me... and then he..." The girl sobs uncontrollably [I]"Then what??"[/I] "...I don't know, I don't remember" [sp]Masturbating furiously, the father exclaims "Well make something up for fucks sake"[/sp]
So Hitler is talking to one of his head scientists who just invented a machine that can completely vaporize Jews in a matter of seconds. So Hitler asks the scientist for a demonstration. A Jew is brought in and placed inside the machine, a switch is thrown, and after a few moments of loud whirring they open the compartment door and find that all that's left of the Jew is a small pile of dust. "That's incredible!" Exclaims Hitler, "Give me another demonstration!" So same thing. They throw the Jew in, push the button, pile of dust. Then suddenly the scientist says "Excuse me, I have to do something," and walks off. Hitler is left standing there for a moment by himself, until the scientist comes back with an Italian tagging along. He throws the Italian in the machine and same thing as the Jews happens. Hitler asks the scientist, "Why did you throw that Italian in there?" To which the scientist replies: "Well you have to grease the components every now and then." *ba-dum tish*
How can you spot a Jewish transsexual in London? [sp]They're contemplating whether it's worth the money to get into the bathroom.[/sp]
So a man wakes up and sees that it's a beautiful morning outside, and his wife is still asleep. Seizing the moment, he rushes into the shower, gets dressed, and has a quick breakfast. He returns to the bedroom to find that his wife is still in bed, and he's annoyed. "Hey" he says. "In an hour, I want to go fishing! I'll go out to the car, pack up the poles and bring the dog." "I don't want to" his wife murmurs, and she rolls back over. This pisses him off. "Well alright you bitch. In the next hour, when I come back, you can either suck my dick, take it in the ass, or go fishing! Fuck you!" he says, storming out of the room. An hour passes and he comes back to find his wife still in bed. "Well, alright cunt, what do you want to do then?" he says angrily. She sighs and gets out of bed and on her knees. As she pulls out his dick, she recoils and gags "Jesus christ!" she screams, "It smells like shit!" [sp]"Yeah well the dog didn't want to go either" the man says.[/sp] (not mine)
I saw a black guy walking down the street carrying a television and I thought it might be mine, but then I remembered mine was still at home shining my shoes!
I hear hemp necklaces are making a comeback in the black community.
you know i can tolerate black people [sp]as long as they dont start rattling their chains and sing i fucking hate when they do that[/sp]
The other day at work I was called out for racism when I said black paint... Apparently the "politically correct" term is [sp]Tyrone please paint that fence.[/sp]
I like my women how I like my wine [sp]10 years old and locked in the cellar[/sp]
How do you get the neighborhood kids off our lawn? You molest them.
Dark humor is kinda like cancer kids, it never gets old.
Why are dutch people so tall? [sp]Because the short ones drown[/sp]
[img]http://i.imgur.com/Jq0Xfd8.png[/img]
[QUOTE=Johnny Joe;50305025]I'll have you know my grandfather died at Auschwitz [sp]He fell out of a guard tower[/sp][/QUOTE] What a coincidence! My grandfather died at Auschwitz too! [sp]He was patrolling the perimeter by the watchtower when some drunken idiot fell on him.[/sp]
Have you ever tried ethiopian food? [sp]Neither have they[/sp]
How do you call a black woman that did an abortion? [Sp]Crimefighter.[/sp]
What do you do once you've raped a deaf kid [sp] snap it's fingers so it doesn't tell anyone [/sp]
[QUOTE=Maddog's Here;50364780]What do you do once you've raped a [I]deaf kid[/I] [sp] snap it's fingers so it doesn't tell anyone [/sp][/QUOTE] ftfy
what happened to the jew with the biggest cock in the world that ran into a brick wall with his dick hard? [sp]he broke his nose[/sp]
A man is in his bedroom, masturbating. His five year old son walks in. The son asks, "Dad, what are you doing?" The father responds, "It's something you will be doing soon in your life." The son replies, "Why's that dad?" The dad says, "Well, my arm is getting pretty tired." What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew? Harry Potter made it out of the chambers A little boy is watching a fire ravage and destroy a home, with his mother along side. "Momma, that's terrible!" exclaims the child, "All the people are gonna die, and the home of will be destroyed!". "Oh, Tommy," replies his mother, "it will be all fine once the firefighters get here.". "Who are the firefighters?". "You'll see, Tommy.". The firefighters came, with their hoses and ladders, wearing their suits, and put out the fire, and take people out. At the end of the battle, nobody died, and there is minimal property damage. "Momma, Momma! That's so cool! I wanna be a firefighter when I grow up!", Tommy yells out. "Oh Tommy, you're not going to grow up," says his mother, "you have leukemia.". "As a child, every Christmas Eve I stayed up all night waiting for Santa to come. Then there was always an awkward silence as he got dressed and left." A man comes downstairs and catches his daughter masturbating with a cucumber. Disgusted, he yells, "Hey, I was going to eat that later! Now it's going to taste like cucumber!"
How can you tell if your wife is dead? [sp]The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.[/sp] What's the differance between a Somolian and a pair of underpants? [sp]Underpants only has 1 fly around it.[/sp]
Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, [sp]but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.[/sp] What kind of file can turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?[sp]A pedophile[/sp]
What do you do when your television starts floating in the middle of the night? [sp]You turn on the lights and punch the nigger[/sp] [editline]5th June 2016[/editline] 2 guys see a black man carrying a tv outside. One says "Wait, isnt that yours?" The other one answers [sp]"No, mine is at home polishing shoes."[/sp]
Why did EA remove gender restrictions in The Sims 4? [sp]They're just doing their small part, because EA loves micro trans actions.[/sp]
Why did Slav beat his children in 1986? [sp]To cure radiation poisoning.[/sp] There are two things Lithuanians are good at: [sp]1.basketball[/sp] [sp]2.crashing cars[/sp] What was the average computer ram in Lithuania in 2013? [sp]256 MB[/sp]
[QUOTE=Arbys Watcher;50449854] A little boy is watching a fire ravage and destroy a home, with his mother along side. "Momma, that's terrible!" exclaims the child, "All the people are gonna die, and the home of will be destroyed!". "Oh, Tommy," replies his mother, "it will be all fine once the firefighters get here.". "Who are the firefighters?". "You'll see, Tommy.". The firefighters came, with their hoses and ladders, wearing their suits, and put out the fire, and take people out. At the end of the battle, nobody died, and there is minimal property damage. "Momma, Momma! That's so cool! I wanna be a firefighter when I grow up!", Tommy yells out. "Oh Tommy, you're not going to grow up," says his mother, "you have leukemia.". [/QUOTE] what the fuck
What weight class is Muhammad Ali? [sp]Dead Weight[/sp]
What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out
How was copper wire invented? [sp]They gave two Jews a copper coin and told them to share[/sp]
My favorite sex position is the JFK. [sp]I splatter all over here while she screams and tries to get out of the car.[/sp] A man went to the library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. [sp]The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"[/sp] What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer? [sp]I give a fuck when my computer crashes.[/sp] How do you kill 200 flies at the same time? [sp]Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.[/sp]
Sorry, you need to Log In to post a reply to this thread.