• Describe your favorite game, and make it sound as shitty as possible.
    130 replies, posted
You are some dumb greasy italian whos to busy putting his dick into things to notice that his family is getting hanged. Then you move to your uncles place and he is a total ripoff of super mario. A lot of time is spent listening to people speak with an accent and using made up words to explain why you have to stab someone. Combat is really shitty, you hold down on button and spam another and you get a kill if you are lucky and it doesn't even work on two of the enemies exsept if your using your swtictchblades but they have a even worse chance of working in combat then swords. Also your best friend is some jesus looking guy who makes cool stuff for you so that is a plus. Then they make a sequel becasuse they run out of cocaine money and it pix of rigth at the end of the previous game. Then they made combat so that it works usually better but there are more enemies that combat dont work on. Secondary objectives have been aded that are ther only to show you how much you suck. They also slapped on a shitty multiplayer where you just parkour around some maps and they were even so lazy that they didn't even put normal civilians so all the civs walking around are copies of other players. Too many people act like fagots and don't play properly and instead just camp around the civvies and stab you by suprise.
There's this game a bunch of old dumb people like and it really fucking shows. I mean the concept sounds so damn cool cause you be like in the medieval setting and shit. There's supposedly a bunch of countries that existed in that area and plus the expansion adds some asians too so that's fresh. I thought that you jumped from character to character who lived in that country but whatever. But when I started the game, I knew everything would go downhill from there. Like, instead of starting the game, with y'know, starting the game at the menu, there's a terrible cgi intro of a bunch of old ass men playing with chess with each other (sound fun yet) but somehow the chess game is related to a bunch of unrelated scenes with knights and caste fighting. I was like 'WTF' is going here and why the hell is this cgi intro here. It's not a movie. It's a game, jeez. Anyway, the skinny old guy loses and in the end they show a soldier who's hurt who drops a chess piece. Wow, 2deep4u. Please, even David Lynch would throw up at the amount of pretentiousness here. So finally, after that terrible rendered and pointless cgi intro, we get to the screen. I was like, cool, we got some nice european music (would've preferred some dubstep though) and I'm hyped and shit. I click on 'Standard Game' cuz I'm not Prestige level yet I guess and another problem shows. I have to pick my country and the enemy? What the fuck, I want to play the goddamn game and not be bogged in this clicking shit. Whatever, summoning all my willpower not to delete this game forever, I randomly pick a bunch of countries I've never heard (what the hell is a teuton? is this a fantasy game? somebody help me out here). Now, the game bloody starts. Then I lost my shit. Yeah turns out, you don't play the game at all. You just click on terrible looking sprites who speak in a weird elf language. Ok thanks, but I can't understand what they're saying. Literally there's nothing to do. You can't see crap on your map because 90% is black. I don't know what to do and what to build because supposedly there's like a bunch of sub-menus you gotta click through to make buildings. I mean christ, who designed this game? You got terrible graphics, terrible voice acting, a bunch of fantasy made up countries and language, terrible ui and you can't have any action at all. All you do is click, move people around and have a trial and error quest on building things that are actually useful. It's so boring. Seriously, it would've been much better for this to be a third person view medieval rpg where you actually saw action instead of this crap. Terrible game. Take off your rose tinted glasses pc nerds.
Theres this game where you arrive in a town, and suddenly zombies (obvious Walking Dead rip off) come out of nowhere and start to take a bite at you. You have like, not even 10 slots for items, you have to pick up weed to fix yourself up if someone takes a chunk off of you, and you only have a pistol, a knife and a lighter. On the way, you meet a girl with some odd short shorts, until you tell her to fuck off to the police station with a gun through a ward of zombies trying to eat her cunt from the inside out. You also meet few survivors here and there, some turn into zombies, others just want to shoot you because you are the dumb ass cop who knows nothing about anything going on. You also get to fight a bunch of fucking mutants that literaly want to give you the ol' lickeroo, some kind of mutant offspring born from a guy in a cell after getting ripped in half that also gives birth to mutant cockroach thingies, and some kind of super mutant that turns into something new each time it meets you. Oh, and, good luck finding all the rather unmarked items throughout this "mazeish" game and getting more than your pea shooter and your cuttlery set of one in a town overrun with bloody hungry bastards. Graphics also suck ass, no lens flare at all what the fuck, and controls are hard as fuck, despite having auto-aim.
This disgusting game puts you in control of a very young and very naked boy who walks around a bunch of feces-filled rooms, while crying on everything in sight. There is literally no point to this game other than crying on absolutely everything. Your life is made even worse while playing this game by the addition of 'items'. You can pick up certain things that look flashy but in the end serve no other purpose than to make your tears turn different colours. The graphics are made in Flash and are therefore abhorrent, and the music is written by a madman who has no idea what the word 'instrument' means. In conclusion this game is stupid and all you do is make a naked toddler get ugly while crying everywhere.
You control some idiot who's crash landed on a planet and you have to use his racially coloured pets called "pikmin" to get pieces of his ship back. Like what the fuck, his ship doesn't even need half the parts you put back into it. A massage machine's needed to fly? I don't even know. It's full of racism like the three races of creatures have advantages over each other I figured it out pretty quickly. The indian pikmin apparently don't burn and are really aggressive due to drinking so much, the blue pikmin are obvious references to black people in new Orleans because they don't drown and I thought the yellow pikmin were jews because they died to everything but then I don't know anymore because at the end you discover that it's your own character who's the jew since you have to order a literal massacre to find his wallet.
[QUOTE=The Vman;39792132]It's a propaganda game promoting international terrorism, racism and mass murdering where you play as a dirty mexican who works for a bunch of autistic, rapist, drug dealing zealots, and gets paid to slaughter asian people. Your guns suck and you die instantly and the only way to get more health or better weaps is to pick up ten thousand worthless crates that are all about 50 miles away from eachother. Of course the devs were too lazy to make any real gameplay, so the only thing you can do in the game is shoot red stuff until it explodes. The only way you can fight enemies is with a gun that shoots dental floss, and vehicles are so flimsy that they'll flip and explode if they hit a bump in the road. Most of the missions are bullshit escort quests, and your AI partners are such cheap fucks that they won't even let you sit in their car, so you have to cling to the roof instead. Voice acting's alright though.[/QUOTE] I'm probably way off, but.. Just Cause 2?
So you're the leader of this bunch of 1337 MLG PRO TACTICOOL sperglords pretending to be police officers, and you have to go around doing boring shit like defusing bombs and saving hostages and shit. Your guns are horrible, firing five bullets causes the gun to fly into orbit, while the enemy has aimbot hacks and can blast your head off from a distance. You can literally wallhack by sticking a dildo under a door to see every enemy in a room, and then you can get your dipshit teammates to throw a flashbang at you. You can't even take damage in this game, just one bullet is enough to kill you, WTF? And when you do beat the mission, you get penalized for shooting the terrorists! What the hell is "unauthorized use of deadly force" anyway? Sounds like some cheap gimmick to me. The only way to score points in this game is to shoot at the bad guys with beanbags for five years until they get tired and take a nap. And don't even get me started on the multiplayer. You still die from a single bullet, and there's no killstreaks! The Co-op's even worse, as now instead of Artificial Stupidity powering your teammates, you now have five cunts running around plinking each other with beanbags, while doing nothing about the SEVERE TERRORIST SITUATION HAPPENING ON AMERICAN SOIL. And the expansion, oh GOD the expansion. You now are tasked with killing a bunch of evil russians (real original, right?) running a drug ring. It's more of the same shit, but with some more shit guns with terrible accuracy, and a few more maps to die on. There's also mods I think, but they're bad and certainly don't fix many of the glaring issues of the main game. God Bless America. [sp]SWAT 4 and The Stetchkov Syndicate Expansion[/sp]
So you're this super ugly guy who doesn't even know anything, and you wake up in a morgue with a dead guy who doesn't have a body. You wander around while people try to tell you who you are, but it turns out you're a total pussy because you can beat the final boss with logic. There's a sexy rat girl and a sexy bat girl, and there's a sexy robot, and there's a douchebag made of fire. Plus, way too much reading. This isn't Crime and Punishment for christ' sake, it's a video game.
This awful game makes you a leader of a civilization that won't even strive to exist once its 1550 BC. You try making deals with other leaders but they never take it and they love to declare war on you! You think you can take down one of their cites with your team of musketmen? Too bad, you won't win against the bombs they drop from their planes. Need I remind you that your people are constantly whining for food and other resources that aren't even close to your captial? Don't even get me started on the advisers, their advices are like trying to teach your dog how to drive your own car and act human...useless. Consider yourself extinct.
Allright, you play some bald fuck who gets paid to kill people. Except you don't get paid in this installment of the series due to the utterly stupide plot, and there are entire chapters spend without killing people, where you only go from place A to place B without someone going 'HEY I DON'T KNOW YOU' and then shoot you even when wearing the correct disguise, because they somehow fucked up a perfectly working system that worked brilliantly in its superior predecessor. How did they even fucked so many things up from its superior predecessor, did they hire everyone who made the ugly shitfest of a game that was Kane and Lynch 2 or something? Speaking of which, let's go take a good hard look at the incredible bullshit that is the plot. You start out with the simple mission of killing someone. And that someone is your old partner, and the only character that helped you in every other game of the franchism, just because some augmented dwarf tells you to. You sneak into her manision by 'accedently' off her guards, and then plug her, yes, a naked, unarmed woman, while she is taking a shower, in a cutscene. Yes, in a fucking cutscene. The game literally takes your fun for itself. Fuckers. [U] If I was a game reviewer, I would have stopped right there and made an article where I piss over the entire game. [/U] Then, while she is dieing, she begs you to take a girl she was protecting, into hiding, because your new boss wants to experiment on her because he is a sick fuck. She could have told that before you, or rather the game, plugged her, but no, let's be an inpatient fuck, shall we? Anyway, you shoot her personal guards in the face, and take the girl to ditch her at a orphanage. Then, a chinese stoner, who apperently fucks doves by the way, then orders you to kill some other stoner who thinks he is Elvis Presley, which is possible to do within two minutes even without disguises. Great level design there. After that, the dovefucker wants to warn you about a group wanting to steal the girl, but for that, he wants all of your tools, which the game does, [B] because fuck logic [/B]. You are directed to some shady hotel, which is a level without having a target to kill, and not even in a cutscene. Speaking about the cutscene, the game takes your character to the biggest brain fade in the entire series by trying to strangle a fuckoff huge Mexican. He is at the mercy of a fucking hick cowboy, and the cowboy does the entire sensible thing of stabbing an innocent maid to death [B] because fuck logic [/B]. Seeing a trend here? You better do. Anyway, then the cops arrive after the hick and his entourage left the building, and set it on fire [B] because fuck logic. [/B] The cops then think you did it, so you flee the building over the rooftops, land in a libary, KO a cop and take his clothes, only to find out [U] that every cop in the fucking shithole that is Chicago knows eachother and can see instantly that you are not a true cop.[/U] [B]Because Fuck logic. AGAIN.[/B] Luckily, after that fucking farce, things temporarily take a turn for the better, as we finally get a chapter where we get to actually get to kill someone without getting scolded by the game in the form of minius fivethousand points to the house of bald men. Yes, the game has a scoring system who actively scolds you for actually killing people, even if you made it look like an accident. Way to remove yet another brilliant working feature of the predecessor, devs. Really appriciate it. Anyway, we have finally a fun time if you can call it, where we get to strangle a dirty midget and shove him in the closet with someone else to make it look like gayporn, really mature right there, devs. Later on in the chapter you get to kill three wankers who work for some rapist the hick has rented to get the girl. Does this game even have any idea what subtility is? And then comes the fucking edgy part where you pick the girl up from the orphanage run by nuns, only to the just mentioned rapist sacking an army of human filth on the orphange to get the girl. And to kill everyone else in the orphanage [B]BECAUSE FUCK LOGIC.[/B] Only upside is that every kid was gone for the day except the girl, but how motherfucking edgy. And the scoring system still scolds us for killing every thug in the level. But fuck the score and the leaderboards, it is just for utterly liveless jobbos who don't have anything better to do in their existance. Anyway, the rapist also brought the hicks son, who is literally a retard and shoots the head nun straight in the face for the evulz, in front of the girl, which they took. How edgy. Eventually, you face off against the rapist, who tries to go Max Payne on you before you shoot him serval times in the face and a few times in the balls because we have to uphold some sort of decency this game so lacks. Or alternatively, we can literally toast him alive, just to be still alive in the following cutscene, where he proclaims you made him go hard. [B]DID I ALREADY SAY THAT THIS GAME IS A TOTAL STRANGER TO THE IDEA OF COMMON DECENCY.[/B] Oh, and the retard chaps the girl with a grenade and you let her go instead of blasting the retard through his dumb head. And that bullshit was just one-third of the game. Shit goes even more off the deep end in the rest of the game, but not included to killing a bunch of grease monkeys because we can, kill the retard after we let him dig his own grave in the desert before he tries to shoot you from a distance while you have a Sniper Rifle in your hands, you kill three sadistic doctors, kill the Mexican giant in a wrestling match by doing it yourself and removing your mask because the devs, well [B]fuck logic.[/B] Your old new boss then sacks nuns in battle lingerie on you, and they kill an entire hotel full of innocents while you kill them in return, get busted by a corrupt hick of a sherrif who bangs his assistant every day to make porn movies, and your ex new boss then burns down a entire city with a private army [B]BECAUSE FUCK LOGIC.[/B] I'll stop there with the plot, because I could've summed it up with one sentence our hero keeps saying in the entire game; ''WHERE IS VICTORIA?'' Oh, and you can make custom contracts, read tag other people in a level to kill because the devs where too damn lazy to do it themselves, and the leaderboards, where you can see who is the biggest life-waster in your country or in the entire world. Some call it replay value, I call it something else but none the positive, because it all is about circumverting a diabolical scoring system. Fuck it, writing this made my blood pressure go to dangerous levels. (Also, my 1000th post. Hurray for wasting my own time that much.)
You play as some brainwashed mass murderer in a green super suit. You also kill some religious aliens and some typical space virus body snatcher things.
you play as this wimpy little skinny fuck with one eye who can't even fight his enemies, and he steals people's well-earned money and priceless artifacts just to make a quick buck. To top it all off, he kills members of the Guard to do it. Inconsiderate bastard. The entire game is just hiding and stealing.
[QUOTE=IPK;39805476]What game is it[/QUOTE] Sounds like Just Cause 2.
You press buttons, some button press events here and [B]EVERYWHERE[/B] and everyone is getting mad and it's a fucking clutter. Also swearing... [sp]Walking Dead[/sp]
half life too once upon a time you play as gorram freshman who wakes up by the blue suit faggot and on a traain and den he finds teh world conquered by combines who were aliens from space then gorram teams up wit adriana lima den gorram gets [B][I][U]CROWBAR[/U][/I][/B] and he fights all the combines and headcrabs and monsters then he goes to teh ravenholm and teh black mesa east and the beach were there were alien ants and shit then there were gunships that werent really gunships but synths insted. so gorram goes to prison so freeman can rescue morgan freeman from combines and then he goes to city 17 and theres a lot of faggot citizens there that try to help him but its really fucking ANNOYING so gorram goes to city-dell which was the combine's church tower or something and guess who was there? breen from hl2 [B][I][U]REMEMBER?[/U][/I][/B] then later a bunch of other shit happens [B][I][U]UNTIL[/U][/I][/B] giant space maggots that were combine came and had hentai tentacle rape on morgan freeman's neck and THE END
So you start off this japanese failed attempt at a western rpg in a stupid dungeon (ha so original, too bad TES was shit too, at least find something good to copy off of) with 5 zombies in it, a boss that you can just skip, and a giant motherfucking crow that takes you to some stupid shrine with a stupid guy near it that tells you some stupid shit you couldn't give less of a fuck about. after 5 hours of figuring out where you're supposed to go you find some fatass that basically pays you to fuck off because he's christian or something i dunno, i usually just kill him anyway. So then there's some kind of elevator shaft you can find and then you figure out where you're supposed to fucking go finally (as if quest markers were hard to code, seriously japan) but then all the skeleton guys there are jacked up on bisphosphonates or some shit because they're hard as fuck. After dying you go back to collect your souls (TOTALLY NOT FROM GOD OF WAR BY THE WAY) but then you die again in 2 seconds from rolling off a cliff because the controls are terrible and you lose your souls and ALL THAT HUMANITY ARGHGFHGFHRGH fuck this i'm done don't buy it.
So basically you're in the 60's and visit some sort of "Atlantis" under the ocean that's supposed to be some utopia but is the exact opposite. The player character is so detailed that he gets [I]one[/I] line of dialogue and nothing more. You can shoot people who have melted faces and people in diving suits. You can also choose to spare or kill some little girls that can determine how you get 1 of 2 endings - both of which are bad.
An action adventure game where you wander around doing peoples chores and dirty work and get meagerly paid afterwards.
Hitdude: Bl00d Currency Ok, so you play as this bald guy with no hair, and you get yelled at for killing scrubs with hardcore gunz. I mean, really? Everyone knows if you cant use a gun you're a scrub.
After a bunch of important plot pieces are not incorporated into the game, humanity has gone full retard and capitalist, so now Mitt Romney and his Jewish, corrupt, ex-parliament companies "look after" the remaining population, while the former Continental Jew government/companies wage war with their private armies over the same stuff we do today. They all try to gain advancements over each other by attempting to produce the most flashiest product, and as a Canada finally produces some thing everyone loves and uses in the game, they are destroyed instantly by the overwhelmingly obese and overshadowing U.S. with their Apple.co reminiscent company. War continues to wage on, and the capitalist old white people continue to ignore the even worsening effects of global warming. Leaving the issue to the last minute (like in real life), the white men formulate a temporary and shitty plan to gather all the superior and capable women into terribly designed and vulnerable plane things to fly away from the polluted ground below. You, being a soldier of the companies that rule the world, are left behind with all the other soldiers, because they are seen as a threat to society with their liberalism and atheist ways. And you now serve as a mercenary for hire, with the help of a 40-year old cougar bag, to complete pointless skirmishes as you receive little money with the shitty jobs you get, despite the countless years of training you spent. As you progress and stay a middle-class citizen mercenary, your operator hag starts getting better jobs for you and keeps coming onto you more and more. Finally at the turning point of modern day war, you kill a mute and autistic child along side your rival who dies. From there on you are given choices. Certain choices give all equally parallel and horrid endings, as such: You choose to be a faggot-ass white knight by saving the day by eliminating a rebel-communist formation, but is not given anything. Another choice is to work alongside a new rebellious force and a mysterious cunt that turns out to be your chicken-shit rival and cuts your neck with at the last minute, with his marvelous threesome and the rival's issues with identity crisis. And alternatively, you join forces with a old sex-offender who loves bondage. From there, you and your new butt-buddy who calls you "lap-dog" begin to destroy all the plane things that house all first-world Jewish white people and all the formerly suppressed but resurrected feminists. Old Guy and you kill 100 million people, by cumming all over the plane's wings, forcing the craft to crash into the liberalist world below,and poisoning all the civilians with their evil privileges and satanist taxations. Being the dumb fuck you are, like how you chose to become a soldier in the first place, you accept a stupid request to sit your ass down and do nothing, along with your husband, Old Guy. You are immediately attacked by your bipolar rival, Gary Oak, his slutty-bitch, Jeremy Clarkson, an Asian lady, and your Cougar operator hag. Your sex-offender ally dies, saying he loves you, and you overcome the interracial orgy that ambushed you. In honor of you fallen boyfriend, you find out you are actually Hitler, and go on to kill the rest of humanity, as there is nothing stronger then your dick for Old Guy.
Get a load of this weeaboo shit. So you play as a super pretty boy ninja cyborg robot and try to stop a bunch of cyborg-terrorists (how fucking cliche, amirite?). As you keep going, cutting shit with this super gimmicky mechanic and pulling nasty ass, blue, pulsating colons out of bad guys, squishing it in your hands and then take a big ole' whiff to heal, shit gets pretty 2deep4u and all this shoehorned ethical junk is jammed down your throat. All in all, it's pretty gay. [sp]Metal Gear Rising[/sp]
Your some overtly happy toy who doesn't realise his life is falling apart and is ruled by some British narrator. Anywho, you run around and do shit for people who are made out of random materials, except you go nowhere because the controls are floaty as shit.
Also I tried that one HL2 mod where you play as some random guy in an office, and there's like, no gameplay at all. The whole game is about walking around for 15 minutes while a narrator dictates what you have to do. Most of the action is pointless boring stuff, like pressing buttons or taking an elevator. I think it's supposed to be artistic or something, but I'm not even sure because the maps are really badly done too. I heard they were making a remake of it and submitted it to Steam Greenlight, and for some reason, it got accepted? Valve should really raise their standards a bit. Oh also, a friend of mine made me try that indie game that came out a while ago. Not sure what's so good about it, it's a Mario clone except you play as a guy in a classy suit who can't even run, and there's like zero challenge because you can't really die since every time you die you can just go back in time. Going through the levels is easy as piss because there's barely any enemy, other than walking heads (?), rabbits that sound like cats and piranha plants (totally not stolen from Mario). You can't even finish the game because what seems to be the final world isn't accessible because the ladder that lets you access it is bugged out and part of it is missing, great fucking level design right there. So once you've completed every level, the only challenge that remains is to get the secret puzzle pieces scattered in the levels which apparently unlock boring minigames where you get to assemble puzzles. I mean, really, is it supposed to be a game for kids or what? Plus the levels are so badly designed that some pieces are literally impossible to get, it's like the developer put them there on purpose, just as a big "fuck you" to the player. I don't really understand how anyone can like this game.
You play as a nerd who arrives to his nerdy work late on a flying train. And your friends are also nerds and dumb people who you can use for target practice and steal their ammunition. Then your nerdy science experiment goes wrong because you can't do science because you're too fail. Then some horny head humping aliens dry hump your friends' heads and turns them into zombies. And there are also more aliens, and then the military are sent in to cover up your failed science experiment and try to kill you and your friends because you're all fails. Then you go to some retarded place and kill Jabba the Hut. Then some creepy guy in a suit who's been stalking you for the entire game sends you 20 years into the future so that he can impress you with his awesome powers.
So you get a thing and make holes and you jump through them Yeah
Basically you drive around for about 20 minutes and then you get shot from a far away enemy you didnt even see. (ARMA III on a big coop server).
Its just a shitty Starcraft ripoff that's not even a video game. [sp]Warhammer 40k[/sp]
Some bad indie title trying to pull off the "retro" vibe for the 900th time. The graphics are 16-bit, which has been done already, but to try and be "different" the devs made it so the screen is constantly moving around, which is pointless, and really annoying. The gameplay is in a top-down perspective which results in the gameplay lacking any form of depth aside from run around and click the mouse. The story just seems like it's trying to pull off some "3deep5u" crap that doesn't make any sense unless you spend 10 hours trying to figure it out. The music is good, though.
You play as some grizzly-looking guy that [i]has to fucking HIDE[/i] from his enemies in a jungle. You have all sorts of sweet guns but the game encourages you to sneak through it regardless, and using all your weapons is in no way viable whatsoever. Here you are a bearded badass and you can't play the way such a character is meant to be played, I want my money back! The bosses are ripped out of some weeaboo pedo cartoon as well, they have [i]superpowers[/i] like being able to shoot lightning out of their body, take stupid amounts of punishment or being really old. There's also more cutscenes than gameplay, and the story is pretentious and trying too hard to be taken seriously.
So you're some guy who never asked to be a cyborg but he is one anyways, and he fights people and can be stealthy but there is no real reason to.
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