• Shit You'd Like To Confess On An Online Forum V2: We're all sinners!
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I should be studying, but I'm not.
[QUOTE=Jrose14;49168724]I should be studying, but I'm not.[/QUOTE] what? nah now I'm just making excuses. I already did [I]most[/I] of the problems in the chapters I'm being tested on I should just make music now because hey thats at least a productive distraction but you know whats an even more productive distraction in that field of productive distractiveness? Sorting your samples. Wait! Download more samples! Better preview them to make sure they're go- wait whats this new vst oh wait i already have that better play with my new effect plugin then and learn how to use it might as well read the manua- oh fuck its been an hour ADHD? PFAHHAHAHA not me nooo
[QUOTE=paindoc;49168748]what? nah now I'm just making excuses. I already did [I]most[/I] of the problems in the chapters I'm being tested on I should just make music now because hey thats at least a productive distraction but you know whats an even more productive distraction in that field of productive distractiveness? Sorting your samples. Wait! Download more samples! Better preview them to make sure they're go- wait whats this new vst oh wait i already have that better play with my new effect plugin then and learn how to use it might as well read the manua- oh fuck its been an hour ADHD? PFAHHAHAHA not me nooo[/QUOTE] "I'm going to start my homework at 12:00" "Oh no it's 12:01 might as well start at 1:00" etc...
[QUOTE=Jrose14;49168724]I should be studying, but I'm not.[/QUOTE] I barely studied in my first year of college and still survived. :v:
[QUOTE=Jrose14;49168724]I should be studying, but I'm not.[/QUOTE] I was supposed to study this weekend for my biology exam tomorrow but I ended up playing Fallout: New Vegas and Battlefront all weekend
[QUOTE=FunnyStarRunner;49168770]I barely studied in my first year of college and still survived. :v:[/QUOTE] I'm quoting this to shrink it down and set it aside so it can be skipped if needed. [QUOTE]See, I did not. But I also had shit going on. Problem was I was struggling with ADHD, depression, anxiety, and all that shit all at once. So here's my little confession, I guess: When I went to my parents asking for help with ADHD the first time over christmas break, my parents refused. Also, when I told them my grades my dad called me an ungrateful little shit, threw some stuff around, then didn't talk to me for three days. I was terrified. My dad has a history of violence and while he's never actually hit any of us (I'd fucking lose it if he did at this point), I do know that once when I was in 8th grade and I had been punished for grades I said something like "I just wanna leave" and my dad picked me up from my bedroom floor by the scruff of my shirt and my belt, started shouting endless expletives and curses and perjoratives, and took me to the edge of the stairs and threatened to fucking throw me down it and kick me out like I deserved. Over winter quarter (2nd quarter of three), I did poorly again. I raised my GPA 0.5 points, but it wasn't enough for my parents and I was really struggling at this point. I had put my all into that term, trying as hard as was possible for me and I was crushed that it didn't work. I've never been that low and I really needed help. When I asked my parents for help, my father called me "lazy, and unmotivated. You're just looking for the easy way out, like you always fucking do! You never want to work hard, you just want to get the easy pass and do well!". I did want to work hard. More than anything I've wanted to work hard my entire life and be driven and be motivated but I just [I]fucking couldn't[/I]. I was a dissappointment, and a complete failure. Not to mention I was realizing I was at least a little gay (struggling to convince myself I was a little hetero because muh masculinity), and I knew my parents would be disappointed about that. My Dad has said in the past that he finds gay PDA like hugging/hand-holding/affection repulsive. I'm someone who thinks that sounds really great and a terribly hopeless romantic, so that just kicked me while i was down. At that point there was more ranting but I was sorta numb and tuned out. I was suicidal most of that week of break. Just stayed inside, cried myself to sleep, and planned how I would end it all. Wanted desperately to end it all. I'm not even sure what my logic was. I know I wrote a note. I don't remember a lot of that week or the months that followed, to be honest. I do know that I went back to school and kept begging to see a therapist, and at first my parents insisted holistic only (my dads a fucking doctor wtf) because adhd meds bad with toxins inside!1!!1! They had also been witholding my insurance card, but I finally got it and then started looking for my own docs. After two weeks, and 20 emails/phone calls I had gotten nothing back. Almost gave up again. I drank a lot. Whiskey and late night walks, hoping I'd get mugged or killed while I was out there. Something to punish me. Kept going, found a doc, got adhd diagnosis with whole pile of secondary shit (anxiety, ocd tendencies, depression wahey) but walked out with a prescription. I still remember my first day on medication. First clear day in months, and first time I remember sitting in class, thinking "I want to focus and take notes" and I [I]actually fucking took notes[/I]. However, I knew it was too late to save my grades from that quarter so I started looking for jobs (riding the literal high of first few days on adderall, sent out like 30+ apps lol) and some-fucking-how got hired at my cities MLB field which was [I]awesome[/I]. From there I arranged to stay with my Aunt over the summer, since I trust her and she's 100% supportive of my decisions in mental health and doesn't give a fuck where my sexuality lies on the spectrum in the slightest. It was so much fucking work to get here. I still struggle everyday though, a lot of emotional shit. Right now I'll admit that I'd rather spend this Wednesday, my birthday, and Thanksgiving here in my dorm room alone with my tea and oreos than go home. I hate that place, and that house always puts me back in a dark place. I don't hate my father- some shit in his past has made him who he is - but if I can avoid him without being malign or causing problems I do. I don't ever plan to return to that town, tbh. And right now the only reason I maintain cordial contact with them is because they pay for my school (which feeds into me feeling fucking super guilty 24/7). whew. Crazy blogpost, I apologize, but I needed to vent that. It used to be really hard to talk about without losing it or getting in a bit of a depressive slump for the rest of the day, but each time I rant about it it gets easier.[/QUOTE] less shit confession in considerably less words: I've been irritable and salty as fuck lately. My roommate woke me by eating yogurt loudly today (no, I don't know how he does it but he eats from a literal tub of yogurt with a spoon) and then while in the library a bunch of tourists were making tons of fucking noise taking obnoxious photos with flash on. It was incredibly infuriating and I'm not sure why. [sp]The Asian tourists are always the worst about this. At least the cameras. White tourists always have little 4 year old kids running around making fuckloads of noise and they just don't say a damn thing to them[/sp] [editline]23rd November 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=KillerJaguar;49168816]I was supposed to study this weekend for my biology exam tomorrow but I ended up playing Fallout: New Vegas and Battlefront all weekend[/QUOTE] my secret is uninstalling all games and just getting out to the library, or out of my room. at this point its become a habit, so I feel "off" not working in the library and at home in my room I only really make music at this desk, so I switch into that mindset instantly. It takes time and its tough, but the biggest single step is just getting out of the room into a space conducive for studying. That and limiting access to distractions.
I always brushed off my weird anxiety as being just anxiety. Today I read a medical journal thing about PTSD and I honestly think that might be it.
[QUOTE=Cabbage;49163844]I sometimes unironically listen to vapourwave[/QUOTE] Same with me but it's with Viper.
[QUOTE=paindoc;49168866]I'm quoting this to shrink it down and set it aside so it can be skipped if needed. [quote]-words-[/quote] less shit confession in considerably less words: I've been irritable and salty as fuck lately. My roommate woke me by eating yogurt loudly today (no, I don't know how he does it but he eats from a literal tub of yogurt with a spoon) and then while in the library a bunch of tourists were making tons of fucking noise taking obnoxious photos with flash on. It was incredibly infuriating and I'm not sure why.[/QUOTE] I don't frequent the anxiety/depression or other threads here, so I don't know if it's been brought up before, but: Your parents are extremely hostile and unfair to you, you obviously know this, but somehow still feel guilty for them paying for your college. It's up to you how you want to handle the situation, but remember that despite how much it seems like they hate you, they wouldn't be able to stand losing you. Have you ever asked them why they're so tough on you? [editline]Not later[/editline] On an unrelated note: I've gone through life giving little to no effort in most anything, I still managed to graduate highschool by testing out of most of my credits last-minute. A lot of my teachers wanted me to go to college, but I don't think I could deal with the stress or effort. Nor do I know where I want to go in life, so I'd be aimlessly attending a moneysink. I guess that's my story of life in general. I put no effort into most things, but have always had friends, and teachers (and strangers) with high expectations of me, and It feels like I can never achieve those expectations.
[QUOTE=glitchvid;49169160]I don't frequent the anxiety/depression or other threads here, so I don't know if it's been brought up before, but: Your parents are extremely hostile and unfair to you, you obviously know this, but somehow still feel guilty for them paying for your college. It's up to you how you want to handle the situation, but remember that despite how much it seems like they hate you, they wouldn't be able to stand losing you. Have you ever asked them why they're so tough on you? [editline]Not later[/editline] On an unrelated note: I've gone through life giving little to no effort in most anything, I still managed to graduate highschool by testing out of most of my credits last-minute. A lot of my teachers wanted me to go to college, but I don't think I could deal with the stress or effort. Nor do I know where I want to go in life, so I'd be aimlessly attending a moneysink. I guess that's my story of life in general. I put no effort into most things, but have always had friends, and teachers (and strangers) with high expectations of me, and It feels like I can never achieve those expectations.[/QUOTE] The summary of why they're so tough on me is because "We know you're smart and expect you to do better in college". The entire reason they said I didn't have ADHD was because I did well in HS, which is laughable since thats incredibly common for ADHD students. Usually just because HS is easier on late work, and is just memorization. I can feel the anxiety and stress worries about college though- it can be a bitch. Now, I don't find school nearly as bad. The best way to fight test anxiety is to overprepare, and once you start taking classes you like it doesn't even feel that much like work anymore. The biggest problem is the slog through early prereqs that are essentially just a repeat of high school stuff with harder tests- its best to take those at a CC, in hindsight. Everyone my entire life has given me the same speech- "hey, you're so smart why don't you do better" and "you have so much potential, why can't you just apply yourself and be motivated". They sting, indeed. Have you ever talked to a professional about your anxiety and stuff? I used to frequent anxiety/depression more often but I'm moving well enough by myself now I don't feel I need it a lot anymore. Spent most of my work money on 6 months of therapy and worked hard to improve myself. Still like to help people though, feel I have more perspective now.
[QUOTE=paindoc;49169205]I can feel the anxiety and stress worries about college though- it can be a bitch. Now, I don't find school nearly as bad. The best way to fight test anxiety is to overprepare, and once you start taking classes you like it doesn't even feel that much like work anymore. The biggest problem is the slog through early prereqs that are essentially just a repeat of high school stuff with harder tests- its best to take those at a CC, in hindsight. [/QUOTE] My original plan was to get A+ and Net+ during highschool through a class I was taking, then go to community college (I could actually double up and take some of these in HS) for a BS in Telecom. Eventually I got tired of stuff, my teacher in that class got overloaded with stuff, so I eventually ditched that and just started skipping school (We're talking I only went to 2, 90 minute classes a day, if that). I haven't really known what I've wanted to do since then, I'd love to work at Valve, or start a game studio; but I don't think I'm competent enough at [I]anything[/I] to do that, or even get in a starting position. [QUOTE=paindoc;49169205] Everyone my entire life has given me the same speech- "hey, you're so smart why don't you do better" and "you have so much potential, why can't you just apply yourself and be motivated". They sting, indeed. Have you ever talked to a professional about your anxiety and stuff? [/QUOTE] It's sort of a long story. My father and I used to get along horribly, so at a young age I was sent to a psychologist to try and make me better behaved. Suffice to say it was mostly my father at fault (Though, like father like son), eventually I was seeing a psychiatrist on the side as well. They began diagnosing me with ADD, ADHD, so on and so forth. I've been on every drug that a kid can be prescribed as a result (Save for Lithium). All of these had very different effects on me than expected, a few of them made me schizophrenic while I was on them (I have no memory of this, but I've heard plenty of stories), or other side effects; A severe one gave me crippling anxiety, this lasted even after I was taken off of the medication. The only way I was helped was by giving me an antidepressant (I was never diagnosed nor am I depressed, it was just used to treat anxiety) Paxil for a few years, until they discovered that was bad for kiddies, so I was moved to Zoloft; Eventually in the 5th grade (Years after they stopped experimenting with me) I finally stopped taking Zoloft. During that time I was still seeing the Psychologist, that many years (without actually having any real problems) having appointments probably contributes to how I [I]am[/I] more than I personally admit. To this day I still can have [I]extreme[/I] episodes of anxiety, but overall I actually think I'm too relaxed (I suspect this might have to do with my consistent-dosage of Paxil as a kid) and lack motivation. More recently (in the last year~) I saw family counselor, after a few 2 hour sessions of being drilled (About my sexual promiscuity, weird shit) I cut it off, since it wasn't helping me, so after that I've graduated highschool and have been unemployed since I don't know what I want to do with life. So in short, I've seen a therapist from kindergarten to 5th grade, was heavily medicated from 1st to 3rd grade, and recently saw a counselor again but didn't get anything out of it. I personally don't think I need counseling again though, I just need to get a job and resume life.
I had to see a therapist for an entire year many years ago because of developed anxiety disorders. My doctor was legitimately afraid that I'd end up having a heart attack or worse later in life if they weren't treated quickly with medicine or getting over them.
i never studied and aced all my tests because instead of texting or talking to people or being lost in thought i had all my focus on the teacher that's the good side to hyperfocus the bad side is when you're working on a photoshop thing around dinner time and you finish around 6am the next day and you notice you only took 2 bites of your dinner
I'm generally a rather unhygienic person. I sometimes flat out eat food I find on the floor ON THE STREET (if it looks ok. Once found an unopened can of coke so that was nice). Nothing bad has come out of it thus far but I still feel like I'm pushing my luck
[QUOTE=EuSKalduna;49169664]I'm generally a rather unhygienic person. I sometimes flat out eat food I find on the floor ON THE STREET (if it looks ok. Once found an unopened can of coke so that was nice). Nothing bad has come out of it thus far but I still feel like I'm pushing my luck[/QUOTE] I once found an unopened bag of jerky on the road. it was DELICIOUS
[QUOTE=Mr_Ripper;49169666]I once found an unopened bag of jerky on the road. it was DELICIOUS[/QUOTE] Problem is it's often not even that. It's like a random m&m and I noticed and still looks pristine. Just pick it up, scan it, and eat it if it looks alright
[QUOTE=EuSKalduna;49169672]Problem is it's often not even that. It's like a random m&m and I noticed and still looks pristine. Just pick it up, scan it, and eat it if it looks alright[/QUOTE] okay that's bad
Rubbing my left nipple that was split into two kind of reminds me one of my nightmares yes i have a two tiny niplets on my left
Lost my job, got sick. Finally lost my sickness, got sick again. End me already. :sick:
[QUOTE=TraxInfo;49169719]Rubbing my left nipple that was split into two kind of reminds me one of my nightmares yes i have a two tiny niplets on my left[/QUOTE] so technically you have three nipples? cool :v:
[QUOTE=Mr_Ripper;49169674]okay that's bad[/QUOTE] Nah its alright havent you heard about the five months rule?
hello, i like girl
I refuse to wear a jacket with shorts
[QUOTE=EuSKalduna;49169664]I'm generally a rather unhygienic person. I sometimes flat out eat food I find on the floor ON THE STREET (if it looks ok. Once found an unopened can of coke so that was nice). Nothing bad has come out of it thus far but I still feel like I'm pushing my luck[/QUOTE] Im similar. I ate a skittle off of a bus floor before. It looked clean and it was yellow, my favourite!
When I was very young (I think we're talking 1-2 years old), someone tried to abduct me from a playground in broad daylight. It was only thanks to my grandpa, may he rest in peace, that I wasn't.
[QUOTE=TuLiq;49170905]hello, i like girl[/QUOTE] you can only lie to yourself
I tried to intentionally addict myself to cigarettes. I gave up after three in a row because fuck having smoke in my lungs, clothes, car, and mouth. I don't know how people get addicted unintentionally
Why would you intentionally try?
Above my toilet is a small cabinet with a mirror on the door, when I pee I like to pull stupid faces at myself.
[QUOTE=ColdAsRice;49171968]I tried to intentionally addict myself to cigarettes. I gave up after three in a row because fuck having smoke in my lungs, clothes, car, and mouth. I don't know how people get addicted unintentionally[/QUOTE] Genetics. Ive tried getting addicted to sorts of stuff. I cannot. I then gave a cigar to a friend. He was hooked with in one puff. It varies from person to person. I got into an argument with my family and we ended up crying about it.
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