Eternal Rest

Part 2 is up
listen to this with the sound turned down about 75%

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/44650710/smaller%20rest.jpg

OLDER ONES:

the positioning of your commas is a bit off sometimes and I don’t really know how you can long for something that’s already come for you, but everything else is top notch

I. Love. This. :>

A little confused with layout, everything else looks fine. Want to see more of that.

My knees are quivering.

I enjoyed this.

The layout threw me off. It went from a normal left-to-right to that crazy Japanese right-to-left nonsense.

Pretty cool besides that.

That was probably the most generic monologue I’ve read in months. Screens look pretty good besides that awful mask model.

For this character no other monologue would fit, and unless I find a high quality gasmask model that looks like that one well then I’ll have to keep it.
[sp]at least it’s not final fantasy female in outfit 3281591859#[/sp]

Hahaha, I’d say we’re on an equal playing field here, no need to be shy. Anyways, there was an MW2 model pack that I believe had gas masks in it, I have to go to work but I’ll try to find it for you when I get back.

As for the monologue, I’m just saying it’s not that unique or captivating, it needs more substance and story before it means anything. Why does he have a beef with these random people with weapons? Why is he wearing a gas mask when it’s clearly not necessary? What’s he dying for? For now it’s just all very shallow.

I like your comma placement, which I noticed was for reading rather than writing purposes (if that makse sense). It’s more poetic in the sense that a comma is more significant as a beat indicator and pace-setter, rather than an actual function of the sentence.
I hope that made more sense, I’m exhausted right now, sorry.

Yeah it’ll make much more sense, as the story will develop

Pretty much this. Writing needs work, everything else seems okay.

nub if you need help with writing at all PM me, I can usually sort out any issues with the writing and grammar and such

Love this

Part 2 is up
listen to this with the sound turned down about 75%

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/44650710/smaller%20rest.jpg

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/50169265/ETERNALRESTPROMO.jpg

Going slowly, but still looks good.