Unit down at... *Static*

Okay, so, this is from a recent roleplaying session, the lore is abit different, so to fill in on the basics:
The roleplaying takes place in a post apocalyptic city, there are S.A.F.E soldiers everywhere, these soldiers are ordered to kill any civlians for unknown reasons. A small community has been set up in the town, holding off the local S.A.F.E activity. Now, on to the story:

I saw another one drop dead, he let out a yelp before hitting the ground, the smell of gunpowder and burned flesh surrounded the air, I heard a few of my own breaths, and the sound of a few cartiges rolling down the paved street. I had a basic MP7 A1 in my hands, small, but effective with some incinerary rounds. I looked around, didn’t see much, I guess I got the last of them, when suddenly:

“Help! Heee-…”

One of my buddies was hit over the head by a baton as some of the retreating units dragged him along.

“Not on my watch…”

I said before firing off a few rounds at them, they ignored it, knowing I’d never fire towards an allied soldier like that. I knew I had to do something, they took him to the old police station on the corner, the place was infested with the bastards. I changed the clip and whent back, thinking of a way to get him out. I knew they kept him in a cell, I also knew that a small radio call could have that place crawling with more of those mudsuckers. I walked across the street and whent into the backalley, I knew I’d get a nice vantagepoint from the other side of it. I move across, keeping my head low, then I lean out, checking the place out. I saw them dragging him through the main enterance, they where greeted by three fellas behind the bulletproof glass door. On the outside there was another seven of them, some where pretty badly hurt. We had developed armor pricing incinerary rounds that takes them down pretty fast. They wear a strange antiradiation suit made out of kevlar and led, it’s incredebly hard to shoot them down with regular rounds. I keep scouting as I suddenly turn my head, I was a split second away from getting hit in the head by the electric baton. I peice of the brick wall broke behind me as the baton smashed into it, I turn my body and give the guy a kick in the stomach. He falls down on his back, tipping over a bunch of barrels and dumpsters. He tries to get up, I take his baton, set it on the highest setting, and fling it right between his eyes. The soldier streches his arms and legs, twiching his limbs as he lies down, some smoke emitting from him as he lies in the trash. I get up and brush my clothes off. Picking up my weapon. I walk up to him, he’s still twiching alot, even though I knocked him out. I opened up the trashbin and threw him in there, putting on the lid. I then get an idea… There was the comms room on the other side of one of the walls, where the radio is located, I need to disable that before I go inside, or I’m toast. I then wait untill night. The solders guarding the place are looking rather tired. That’s when I walk down, I simply walk down slowly, with my sub machinegun in my hand. One of them draws his weapon, I fire a swift bullet, it hits his head, breaking off a bunch of the wires in his anti radiation mask, sparks flies around his head as he ruins around paniced, I can hear his modulated voice as he tells “My eyes! My eyes! I’m blind!”. Now I caught their attention, time to take out the radio. I casually aim the MP7 at the APC parked next to the station, I fire a few rounds at the controls, it sets off like a rocket, one of the guards rushes for the radio in the radio room. As he calls for backup, he’s interupted by the armored car crushing both him, the radio, and the wall. All the headquarters hear is “Unit down at… Static. The soldiers inside are disoriented by the dust, pistols drawn, they look around the main room, where the enterance is, they hear the heavy doors open, they look around, all they can see is the flashing light in the dust as the soldiers fall one by one… One of them where injured, I only blasted his legs. A trace of blood leads to him as he drags himself to the door that leads to the armory and the locker rooms, opening it with his keycard as he struggles to draw it through the scanner, the last thing he sees is when he looks into my barrel when he stares over his shoulder. Two bullets in his back, I move on inside. Another guard there, sitting over some monitor, he spots me, reaches for the gun next to him on the table, I blew his screen out, the sparks and the explosion throws him on the floor, shattered glass all over his face. He gets on all four, placing his hands on the desk as he searches for his gun, he finds it, I draw my MP7, shooting a round at his hand, he gets a look of despair on his face as he looks at his hand, or to be more exact, the stump where his index finger used to be, it was blown clean off, even the part of his glove. He then looks at me, I kick a wastebasket, it hits him right between his eyes, I knocked him out cold. I open the door behind him, moving on to the long hallway where the cells are. I see some blood on the walls, the stains leading to cell number four. I get over there, I see him, he’s alright, but his legs are broken, and he has a bullethole in his shoulder. But he was stable. I help him up and place his arm across his shoulder. I place my arm across his waist as I drag him along. Another guy shows up around the corner. I never saw it comming, Bang! I take one of his rounds in my thigh, I scream out in pain as I blow him away with my MP7, he falls down pretty fast. But I hate those guns that they use. The USP, it’s like they adapted the bullets to stick inside your leg! As I dragged him along the ruined place, we got outside. I look at him, making sure his alright, when Bang!, I never really saw what happened, but one moment he was greatfully smiling, the next I had blood in my eyes and his head was blown clean off. I let go of his body and turn around, there he stands, the S.A.F.E overseer, Chuck-Chuck, I hear the sound of the buckshot casing bounce on the ground, the thick smell of gunpowder is in the air again, I take my MP7, as I shoot him, he fires off his SPAS aswell, my gun breaks into peices springs and gunparts scatters around, my hand was bleeding aswell, I fired off the MP7 a second before, I think I broke his arm. He dropped his shotgun anyways. He kicked me down and runs off, down the street, to the old hospital. I walk down to the backalley, take the baton I left behind there, I set it on the high setting again, hurling it at the running overseer, he gets hit in the back, he falls down, he can’t move while still being awake. I walk off as I hear a scream from behind me. Nobody never goes to the hospital anymore… It’s infested by mutants…

That’s just a small story inspired by what happened earlier on today. I added some parts to it, but the rough story was pretty much what occured. Anyways, feel free to throw me some critisism, pretty sure that some of you experienced writers have a thing or two to say about it.

ALSO: Some words might be slightly missspelled, English isn’t my first langauge.

sorry to be this guy but http://000buck.d2g.com/firearms/thereisadifference2.jpg

Oh, sorry, just be glad I have the ability to comprehence English in the first place…

…Seriously, us Sweedes suck at English…

Yea I see a couple of errors but pretty good for the most part. I like the story, but it isn’t “whent” it is “went” Hope that helps. Good story

Havent had a good read in a while, have a heart.