You are GOD. You CREATED the KNOWN UNIVERSE, amongst OTHER THINGS. [you know the drill]

Loading Average Joe: Disc One…

You are GOD. You are best known for CREATING the KNOWN UNIVERSE, amongst OTHER THINGS. You reside in a farther plane of the UNKNOWN UNIVERSE. You’re told that this plane is known by inhabitants of the KNOWN UNIVERSE as HEAVEN. You can’t imagine why, it’s DREADFULLY BORING.

Despite your OMNIPOTENCE, you occasionally get BORED and engage in WACKY HIJINKS. Why, the last time you got BORED, you made FROGS fall from the sky and presented a PAIR OF ROCKS inscribed with A TEN POINT CONSTITUTION FOR MORAL BEHAVIOR to a BEARDED FELLOW, and a bit after that you FUCKED a MARRIED WOMAN. But enough about that.

The fact is that on this lovely purple day in the UNKNOWN UNIVERSE, you are, for the second time in 2000 years, BORED. You produce your CELESTIAL DATAPAD and decide to travel to your prized creation, EARTH.

You warp to the MILKY WAY, resting place of EARTH. It is truly magnificent. You haven’t visited or even looked at it in a while, but from what you can remember, it is a lovely place full of LUSH FORESTS and EXOTIC CREATURES. There’s none of that in the UNKNOWN UNIVERSE. You’ll only find that stuff on EARTH.

As the saying goes, or so you’re told, ROME wasn’t built in a DAY. EARTH took quite a few tries to get right. You’ve got a veritable ASTROLOGICAL GRAVEYARD floating around the UNIVERSE. You only worked for just a few hours on most of the other worlds, but you stayed up for SIX DAYS straight when you made EARTH. You’re very proud of it, indeed. It’s the ENVY of all the other UNKNOWN UNIVERSE INHABITANTS, especially that sonufabitch VISHNU.

You zoom in on EARTH to see how time has treated it.

You’ve arrived in a CITY of some sort. You’re not quite sure how it got there. It’s made of IRON and PROCESSED STONE. You don’t remember PROCESSING any STONE the last time you visited. You decide to fly in to one of these BUILDINGS to inspect the LIFESTYLE of an AVERAGE HUMAN. AVERAGE HUMANS, or so you’re told, are vile creatures, hell bent on destroying EARTH just to accrue RESOURCES such as PROCESSED STONE in order to make their lives easier. That VERITABLY SICKENS you.

What have we here? A team of HEAVILY ARMED COMMANDOS breaching a HEAVILY UNARMED SCIENTIFIC FACILITY? You’re not sure how they got there. You don’t remember HEAVILY ARMING any COMMANDOS last time you were here, much less allowing them to form TEAMS. In any case, these HUMANS are far from AVERAGE. You decide to keep looking.

You find a INEPT LABORATORY ASSITANT ready to GIVE UP on whatever it is he is WORKING ON. You decide to become him for the time being.

You are now CARL FAYESWORTH. You’re an AVERAGE HUMAN in the employ of BELLSUMMER SCIENTIFIC, a TECHNOLOGY ADVANCEMENT RESEARCH CENTER. You had been trying to PERFECT a SCIENTIFIC DEVICE but because of your UTTER MEDIOCRITY, you’ve been failing entirely. In fact, you can’t even remember what this DEVICE is supposed to do. You decide to PRAY; even though you consider yourself ** ATHEIST**, you’re on the END of your ROPE. You ask GOD,

God, what the Hell is this thing even supposed to do?

Well, what the Hell is that thing supposed to do?

Antimatter bomb.

But there’s an accident and it accidentally summons DOG, otherwise known as ANTIGOD.

The device can teleport you anywhere within 5 metres.

They’re safety goggles, obviously. They protect your eyeballs from dangerous chemicals.

It’s a big ball that kills HEAVILY ARMED COMMANDOS

You receive no ANSWER from GOD. Not even the slightest hint of DIVINE INSPIRATION! You feel like a complete SELLOUT. Not only did you toss away everything you ever un-believed in, but you didn’t even get anything for it! No Stairway? Denied!

Suddenly, you notice a CLIPBOARD that previously escaped your admittedly lackluster PERCEPTION. It is titled: HANDHELD POSITRON-ELECTRON UNIFICATION MARTYRDOM ACCEPTANCE DEVICE MARK XIII. Of course, idiot! It’s an anti-matter bomb! For a moment, it troubles you that THEY handed this potentially city-leveling DEVICE to someone as INDEFATIGABLY BASELINE as yourself, and with nothing but some USELESS GOGGLES, GOGGLES which you, in your MADDENING INDISTINGUISHABLENESS, forgot the purpose of! However, the THOUGHT passes, and you set back to work. MINUTES seem like MINUTES as you swap the POSITRON EMITTER into the DEVICE, replacing the POP TART CRUMB you had sworn would do the trick.

Eureka! There’s about a 27% chance that you’ve done IT! You may have successfully FABRICATED an ANTIMATTER BOMB! Unfortunately, your FABRICATION skill is far to low for you to even know if you’ve FABRICATED the DEVICE correctly or not, so you decide to bask in the glow of your slightly improbable success.

Even lower then your ABYSMAL FABRICATION skill is your TOTALLY SUBTERRANEAN BALANCE skill! You FUMBLE the probably somewhat possibly functioning DEVICE flat on the tile floor! Sparks begin to fly and your PANIC levels reach EPIC PROPORTIONS, as does your CHRONICALLY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!

Beams of FREE ENERGY crackle forth from the DEVICE, sending you hurtling into a wall! Oh, your LUMBAGO! One of your ADRENAL SCHEMA activates! RETROACTIVE EPIPHANY! You realize that not only did you fail to FABRICATE an ANTIMATTER BOMB, but that you in fact FABRICATED a LEVEL 99 NETHERWORLD MATRIX! You have no idea what that is, but this new knowledge does not help your worsening MENTAL CONDITION! Something seems to be leaping forth from the MATRIX! You are totally SPOOKED.

The SCIENTIFIC MAELSTROM settles. Before you is a CREATURE which you have never even seen before, but that’s not much a surprise considering your EXCLUSIVELY DOMESTIC EXISTENCE. You rephrase this thought accordingly: Before you is a CREATURE which you have never even seen before on ANIMAL PLANET. What hath SCIENCE wrought?!

The CREATURE you see is DOG. It looks up at you INNOCENTLY.

What do you do?

Give it an odd stare for a few seconds to make sure it’s not hostile…

Quickly! Punch down a tree and make a sword to defend yourself from this vile beast!

You get the odd impression that GOD would find this creature absolutely terrifying.

You pet the DOG. You transform instantly into a BLOCK MAN.

(This might give you an opportunity to make a character skin for a minecraft humanoid to match the INEPT LABORATORY ASSISTANT)

Off topic: woooaaahhh what map is that in the first two pictures?

On topic: find that dog some porkchops

Succumb to worsening psychological stability.

Put your goggles back on. and fucking deal with it.

rip off your arm and give dog your bone

Your PANIC has reached its INUNDATION POINT. You’ve just had a MENTAL BREAKDOWN. You descend into the DREAMSCAPE.

You are now DREAM CARL. You have just returned to your HOME TOWN from a lengthy BUSINESS TRIP and you are awfully TIRED. You long to get back HOME and see your WIFE and SON. Your DOG, which you can’t seem to recall the name of, is rather HUNGRY and in desperate need of PORKCHOPS. You know this TOWN very well, and normally getting HOME would not be a problem, but on this night you can’t seem to remember the WAY. You resolve to find your DOG some PORKCHOPS and get back to your HOUSE.

You decide that you may need some HELP accomplishing these TASKS, so you look around you. To your LEFT is a OPPRESSIVE POLICE OFFICER in a SECURITY CHECKPOINT, as well as three SHADY CHARACTERS who are giving you a LOOK you don’t particularly care for. These CHARACTERS are probably not from AROUND HERE; you can tell by their… Well, you can’t really tell at all. You just aren’t getting a good VIBE from them.

To your RIGHT is a ARMORED GENTLEMAN using the PAY PHONE and a GANG MEMBER of some sort examining the TRAIN SCHEDULE. The GENTLEMAN is rather noisy and has gotten ALL HOT AND BOTHERED by whatever his CONVERSATION entails. You are suspicious of the GANG MEMBER, and so is your DOG, the name of whom escapes you entirely. Also to your RIGHT are some MAGIC PILLARS, one of which appears OUT OF ORDER. You don’t recall those being there when you boarded the TRAIN to leave your HOME TOWN when embarking on your BUSINESS TRIP, but that was an awful long time ago.

Directly ahead of you is a DOOR. You don’t get any sort of VIBE, FEELING, or EXTRASENSORY PREMONITION when looking at it.

Your DOG is really bothering you for some PORKCHOPS. Goddammit, what is his NAME? And where will you find him some PORKCHOPS? And how are you going to get HOME?

What do you do?

You decide to name your DOG PIXEL. You proceed to INTERRUPT IN A LESS THAN POLITE MANNER the ARMORED GENTLEMAN’s call by accidentally tripping over PIXEL and falling on him.

You converse with the shady characters. They’re wearing suits just like yours; they must be chill.

go throught the door and look for some machines, punch them to turn them into machine components and use your amazing building skills to teleport yourself and PIXEL to a forest where there are probaly pigs, then kill them for porkchops.

You name your dog THE DOOR and decide to name the door THE DOG.
You open THE DOG and walk through, there is a brown substance on the floor. This substance is sauce, but that’s a boring name! You name the sauce ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM. Oh no! The ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM is leaking from THE DOOR. So, you go hire some homeless man named SAUCE to clean it up. SAUCE said that there are some dogs like THE DOOR down the road, so you go blow up France. The end.

You and your DOG, who you recall is called PIXEL, charge headlong toward the ARMORED GENTLEMAN. He has been so RUDE, HOOTING and HOLLERING on the TELEPHONE while everyone else is just trying to enjoy their day! It’s time he repaid his DEBT TO SOCIETY. The OPPRESSIVE POLICE OFFICER attempts to accost you with a CLIPBOARD of some sort to no avail, and the SHADY CHARACTERS look on cautiously.

PIXEL slides into place, and you run into him as though he wasn’t even there, losing your BALANCE entirely and TRIPPING. You’ve engaged a COMBAT TECHNIA: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID NEXT FALL: YOU SAW ME BECAUSE YOU HAD A NICE TRIP. You should probably rename that one, doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. Your abrupt serving of SUBURBAN JUSTICE has totally caught the GANG MEMBER by surprise. He raises his hand in a feeble attempt to stop you. GANG MEMBER rolls on d4 for DIPLOMACY check. Natural 1! Check failed!

Seeing this BRUTAL DISPLAY has agitated the OPPRESSIVE POLICE OFFICER. He leaves his SECURITY CHECKPOINT and begins to approach you, equipping his ASSAULT RIFLE and CLIPBOARD BUCKLER.

This is caught the attention of the SHADY CHARACTERS who reach into their respective INVENTORIES to ready their respective ITEMS.

Erstwhile, you have successfully collided with the ARMORED GENTLEMAN. You’ve LAID HIM OUT entirely. ARMORED GENTLEMAN is now unconscious! You sustain RECOIL DAMAGE due to the RECKLESS NATURE of your attack.

Battle royale ensues! The GANG MEMBER equips COLTON MODEL 1/4 ASSAULT CARBINE and engages PIXEL in combat. The OPPRESSIVE POLICE OFFICER is attempting to DEFUSE THE SITUATION. SHADY CHARACTERS 1, 2 and 3 equip a SIGFRIED SAWYER PISTOL, a MOUSLER PISTOL, and a LITTLE MACKIE MINI MACHINE PISTOL, respectively. They are moving towards the SCENE you’ve caused with no uncertainty.

Well, that didn’t pan out.

What do you do?

Yell “is this a mexico showdown or something”