~ZOMG’s and Sphinxa’s Super Fucking Awesome Machinima
Made by the awesome Sphinxa and The Abso-fucking-lutely Incredible ~ZOMG
The best story the world has ever seen. I am doubtful whether the common man will be able to comprehend such excellence, but he’ll have to fucking try because to miss out on this would be like missing out on a cannibalistic child raping feast.
[A man enters. He is wearing a pizza box over his face]
**Citizen: ** My purse! It was raped/stolen!
Pizza man: Never Fear, Citizen! Pizza man is here :smug:
[Pizza man makes an incredibly smug face, demanding the attention of every fucker within a 1 mile radius, including the thief/rapist. The thief/rapist looks, and is startled by his awesomely smug face of awesome smug smugness. He trips over a baby, killing it in the process and smashing his face on another infant, also killing it, and himself - the crowd that has gathered cheers]
Pizza Man: No need to thank me citizen, all in a days work, now enjoy my pepperoni feast!
[Cuts to a newsroom]
**Reporter: **Still at large, a criminal calling himself Pizza Man has caused the death of two infants and an innocent bystander returning the purse that Pizza Man had raped/stolen, over to doug our news correspondant at the scene of the crime, Doug.
**Doug: **Claire I’m still here at the local council estate, Pizza Man hasn’t been seen since his gruesome rampage, it also turns out that Pizza Man was directly involved with the terroist attack on 9/11, back to you Claire.
[Doug pulls an incredibly gay smile/smirk]
**Claire: **Thank you for that, Doug. I’m getting told that Pizza Man has been sighted recently… Yes… In the last few minutes, loitering outside “Toys’R’Us”, a massive chain of child’s toy stores. I will now pass it over to Anal, our eye on the street. Over to you, Anal…
**Anal: **Thank you Claire, unfortunately like you said I am just an eye on the street and cannot speak, thanks, bye.
[Anal, an eyeball, throws his speaker hundreds of feet into the air. It hits Pizza Man square in the box, causing pizza sauce to splatter everywhere. He picks it up and begins explaining his origins]
Pizza Man: Well it all started in a small oven in Mama Tagliatelle’s. I awoke to find myself literally cooking alive. I began to panic, thrashing and hitting. I tried desperately to escape, but to no avail. I looked over to my left and saw a much larger Pizza than myself, I spoke to this Pizza, his name was Mr. Meat Feast, and asked him if he could pry open the door for me, but sadly he said “Nay, for I am but a mere Meat Feast.” All of a mother fucking sudden the fucking door flew the fuck open and in the fuck comes a big black fucking shovel carried by a fucking big fat fucking Italian fucking wearing fucking chef’s whites, I knew this fucking cunt meant fucking serious fucking business so I proceeded to start viciously fucking Mr. Meat Feast, that Italian’s fucking reaction was excellent; he tore me away from fucking Mr. Meat Feast and chucked me on the fucking work surface where the sweaty cunt gave me some legs, arms and a head completely made out of beer cans, he then turfed me out the back door on my arse and told me to get a life and stop being a waste of cunting space. I stared in awe as the disgustingly fucking sweaty cunt of a shit slammed the fucking door in my cunting fuck face. I quickly blew it off, realising what a fucking fantastic escape I had made. I took out my aviators that were located in my tit pocket and put them on, smiling happily. That’s how I came into creation. However, I didn’t gain my name until a number of months later when I was passing a burning building of hoes and pussy when—
[an explosion erupts from inside the Toys’R’Us. Pizza Man springs into action, removing his pepperoni penis from his shorts and pulling out a butterfly knife from his dirty, pastry anal Sphinxa. lol. He began running for the door. Upon looking inside, he wished he had never crawled out of his one arsehole this morning. The sight before him was so fucking awesomely fucking atrociously terribly sexily awesome I cannot even begin to explain it. All I can say is Dr. Eggman (from sonic) was there and there were dead children EVERYWHERE. Because my vocabulary doesn’t contain the words to explain such a sight, luckily for my vocabulary Sphinxa has just started writing for me, the explosion was incredibly beautiful and terrifying at the same time, feelings of fright, pleasure (at the dead children) and disgust wallowed over me like a pig doing back-flips in it’s own shit, from this point on, I was so aroused I whipped out my pepperoni dick once more, started jerky-ing it while munching on the skin of every single little fucking child I could find, I saw this one little kid, Ben his name was, I ate that little fuckers (WHAT THE FUCK!?) stomach like it was a rind of bacon, it tasted so good, it’s true what people say, it does taste like chicken, anyway I’m De-railing this too much I should really give you some conversational pieces to listen to.]
Pizza man: Stop right there, criminal fucking scum! Wipe that child feaces from your chin and conceal your penis.
Eggman: Herp derp! screach or something, throws a fire stone at Pizza Man
**Pizza man: **Oh my, children’s corpses [pizza man narrowly dodges the flying fire stone, cursing as he does so] WHY!? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!? YOU MAKE ME RAAAAGE! RAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!! RAAAAAAAAAAGE! [Pizza man munches on a child’s foot] What’s happening to me!? I’m… I’m EVOLVING!!! [pizza man falls to the floor dramatically like in the matrix in that big fight scene]
[Pizza Man begins to rise into the air. A bright light consumes him and rapidly began changing shape from his original form into an entirely new form, odd thing was though he kept flicking between these two figures while remaining a bright white colour, just like the old Poke’mon on the Gameboy Colour, the fire stone must have triggered his evolution, oh, he’s done evolving, he evolved into HUMAN PIZZA MAN! Oh shit, he’s got Low HP, Pizza man quickly returns to the slowly rotting shit ridden, maggot infested corpses of the children that were slain but 5 minutes ago and quickly devours them all and regains himself to Max HP, Pizza Man then sets off on his journey to find the cunt that made these Children so god damn delicious.]
[Pizza man awakes to find himself at a small motel, surrounded by dead hookers that appear to have died from bleeding from massive rips around the groin area]
Pizza Man: Eugh, I’ve been treading along the M15 for days now, I’m down to my last child’s brain, so, this is the way I go is it, piled up on the side of a motorway with a child’s brain and a knapsack full of soiled socks, fuck you fat sweaty Italian cunt, fuck you Eggman, fuck you wor- oh hey, a burger bar. [Pizza Man approaches the Burger Bar and asks for a Quarter Pounder, with Bacon and Cheese and his remaining child’s brain, the Burger Bar owner literally shits himself, does a backflip and jumps infront of an oncoming toyota prius (However you spell it)]
Pizza Man: So much for environmentally friendly it just killed the poor cunt, ah well, he left his car here, I’ll take that and make my way to the shitty city of Norwich. [Pizza man hops in the car and continues on his journey to find Eggman, after many hours of tiresome driving and pepperoni tugging, Pizza Man finally makes it to the city of Norwich, from here Pizza man can track down eggmans lair, as everybody knows eggman fucking loves Mustard]
[As Pizza man climbs from the wreckage of his car, climbing over the now destroyed play school and infant’s corpses, he sees a familiar object in the distance, upon a building. The object is a massive mustard jar. Pizza Man begins running, full speed towards the factory. As he runs, he discovers one of his powers is obesity and incredibly unfitness. He collapses at the doors of the factory, mopping the sweat from his forehead, arms, legs, toes and gooch.]
Pizza Man: This is it. This is where it started and this is where it will end.
[Pizza man walks up to the doors and knocks in a violent, agressive fashion, but still polite. Sort of like when you’re angry and you want to shout at someone you think is responsible for your anger but you’re not sure if the person you think is responsible actually is responsible, so you act sort of agitated and rushed, and you try to find out whether it’s them and when you do, you flip out. That kinda thing. Mmkay?]
[Pizza Man is greeted with a large robot, kind of like the robo-brain things out of Fallout 3 because I’m not very imaginative.]
Robot: Greetings, faggot [the robot chirps in a weird, “Microsoft Sam” sort of way] I am Sam, I am a Robot developed by Bill gates to ensure that this factory comes under no threat from anybody, including yourself [Robot’s tone is deeper now]
ANYWAY [The robot screeches loudly] How about that tour, would you like to look around our fine Mustard Factory?
**Pizza Man: **I honestly couldn’t think of anything else better to do [Speaking sarcastically of course] is your chairmen around? [Being a bit more nosey now, cunt]
**Robot: **Why yes, our glorious chairmen and leader is upstairs on floor 9001, you’re going to have a long struggle to get up there you realise, Pizza Maaan…
**Pizza Man: **What the flying cunty pissflaps, how do you know my name?! [Pizza Man notices a signal beacon behind the robot with a sticker on it saying “Dis es eggmans privet transmitta hands awf” So Pizza Man figured out Eggman was broadcasting from the top floor all the way down here and into this little cunty robot.]
[All of a fucking sudden the robot done a backflip and presented Pizza Man with a Pizza, this was no ordinary fucking Pizza however, it was Mr. Fucking Meat Feast! back from some sweaty Italian’s oven. Pizza Man could not believe his pepperonis!] –I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING - that’s what she said
**Meat Feast: **Oh my fucking gawd, well if it isn’t Pizza Man, [he whispers to the robot] I’ve fucked him [Facing Pizza Man Again] It’s been a long time my friend. How have you been?
**Pizza Man: **I’ve been good thanks, but you’re just a Pizza how the flying turd burgers can you talk?
**Meat Feast: **-Silence-
**Pizza Man: **Aha, I knew it, you were just a fucking pizza who I fucking fucked that one fucking time in that fucked up fucking Italian resturant!
**Robot: **Well Pizza Man, it’s time for you to face the first floor of fun, here’s your USP, 3 medi-kits and 2 stun grenades, I’ll also give you 4 clips for your gun, enjoy making your way up OVER 9000!!! floors Pizza man…
*[The Robot suddenly does an awesome teleport sequence which we can do with particles]*