A video about the guidelines used by the American Psychological Association for psychologists to provide therapy for men. The gist is that traditional masculinity is not itself a bad thing but the rigidity of those expectations and the pressure to confirm can be.
The last couple of guidelines are like a breath of fresh air in my book.
You have no idea how hard it is to convince people that you're depressed when you express it through anger and how much of shock it was to those in the Psychology field to find out that rage and aggression are just as likely to be tied to Depression as the listlessness and sadness.
Isn't anger a classic symptom of depression?
Yes, it's common but often unrecognized, particularly by the people who suffer from it.
Having worked with depressed clients for more than 30 years, these findings were not surprising to me. Many of the people I’ve worked with who struggle with depression also share the common struggle of turning their anger on themselves. As much as I try to help my clients express their anger rather than take it on and turn it inward, I witness first-hand how hard it often is for people to interrupt this process. It’s a challenge for them to recognize the nasty way they treat themselves; they are significantly more critical of themselves that they are of others.
People who suffer with depression often have intense “critical inner voices” that perpetuate feelings of unworthiness and shame. When they listen to this inner critic, they not only feel more depressed, but they also find it much more difficult to stand up to their depression. This includes acting against their critical inner voices, taking positive actions that could help them feel better about themselves (like engaging in activities they enjoy), and being more social.
Getting angry at these “voices” can be liberating, but that means getting in touch with our core feelings of anger rather than aiming it at ourselves. Dr. Les Greenberg, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, describes an important difference between adaptive anger and nonadaptive anger. Anger is an adaptive response when it motivates you to assertive action to end a violation. For example, when we may feel angry at the cruel way we treat ourselves today, we’re in touch with our adaptive anger, and we feel like we’re on our own side. Letting ourselves feel and express adaptive anger can help us feel less burdened, freer, and more in touch with our real self.
Maladaptive anger, on the other hand, affects us negatively. For one thing, it can contribute to feeling victimized, sulky, or stuck in a feeling of being wronged. Examples of maladaptive anger turned inward can include feeling overly critical toward ourselves, hating ourselves, or seeing ourselves as powerless, pathetic, or helpless.
Society's view of men, that they need to be tough and non-emotional, might make it even harder to some individuals to come to realize that the source of their anger comes from their core feelings of a lack of self-worth rather than directing their anger at themselves or at others. They lash out at these inner voices which tell them that they are worthless because they don't meet their perceived ideal of manliness or masculinity. This anger could be directed positively in the sense of aspiring for self-improvement, engaging in joyful activities and socializing more, but it can also lead to negative directions of self-loathing or even directing hate towards others.
So it's not that masculinity or anger is either good or bad, they can be good or bad, it's a matter of circumstance and a matter of degree- just like any other emotion or behavior.
I've used anger to get myself out of feeling sorry for myself and being a mopey fuck about things, like yeah, it's depression popping up but I'm not always going to let it fuck up my day, or at least try not to anyway, it's fucking annoying feeling depressed.
As someone who has suicidal depression; the anger felt is far different at least personally, than how most people perceive it. I get angry. My ban history can attest to that; the issue is that the anger I show on here doesn't come close to the anger and frustration that I have historically felt my entire life. The best way I can describe anger as someone with suicidal depression, its like being stuck in Jack Nicholson; replaying all his best roles but you're not getting paid and there's no way out.
Hey I mean my dad has all the stereotypes of traditional masculine male who was very successful at his field because of his aggressive personality and hyper competitiveness. But he didn’t get to watch his kids grow up because he chose status over family, and now he’s a depressed, unhealthy, asshole.
So I’m putting all my effort into life to not be that way.
I feel you.
It's like your bones are vibrating. It's like every word you say, 10 different people are trying to say it, 10 different ways, all through your mouth.
It feels like tunnel vision, a suffocating closing in of all the possibilities and all of the fears and all of the worthlessness all colliding in at once.
It's the worst feeling I've ever had, and I've watched family, friends, and other people literally die. Nothing really compares to the way your brain and mind will utterly betray you.
Or you're stuck in Hell Country USA where your medical care probably doesn't cover therapist visits.
They're not covered here either, just an FYI.
See I think about this and then I worry to fuck that I won't be able to sustain myself and thus survive, like the world is built so that if I don't turn myself into a career drone, I'm fucked
You can balance your life. I’m pretty career driven, and competitive, but I also make it a focus in my life to socialize with friends and family, and build up the people in my life instead of bringing them down.
how the fuck do you have enough time to do all of that
Slowly learning to organize myself and manage time better. Deleted my social media except for marketing purposes. Waking up earlier and getting my workout and things I need to practice before work, schedule out time for more skill building in the evening, hang out with people on the weekends or evenings. I’m not amazing at it, but I’m better than I used to be hahah
26 now, when I was 16 til I was like 22 I was a mess, doing drugs all the time. Partying and drinking constantly, but I slowly got my shit together. I became overly motivated to do work and skill build. Stopped partying all together.
This past year I’ve been able to work balance in.
Yeah, deleting social media has also made my social life better. Less wasted time pretend socializing online and more talking and hanging out with friends, dating, working out, work, hobbies etc. When you get into a rhythm of doing a lot, it feels natural and not doing much actually is harder in a way
dang i should really stop being depressed, that sounds super productive
Start with little steps. Prioritze improving things that will give you energy, like sleeping and eating a little bit better each day.
The single thing that probably helped me the most to escape the negative cycle is to plan one day ahead. It's usually too late to think about what I will eat today, so I have to plan what I will eat tomorrow and that way get the nutrition I need.
I feel you dude. My whole family has depression, I’ve struggled with depression my whole life. I don’t know if it ever goes away completely, but for me it helped just slowly doing these things. It wasn’t an overnight process.
It's actually more common in men, unsurprisingly.
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